PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

[StillNiceCardigan]

FIL is in his 80s and has Alzheimers and MIL is struggling to manage. We live 4 hours away and visit regularly but can't be there day to day. I'm devastated that they've cancelled the carers they had agreed to after one visit. Help me feel less angry at two 80 somethings who have just made life considerably more difficult for everyone.

Get DH to tell them you will visit when they’ve reinstated the carers and say he can ring them to sort it out.

Just tell them that you absolutely can't visit.
You can try to reinstate the carers, but if your parents keep refusing then they'll have to manage alone.
It's non-negotiable.

You say ‘ made life ….for everyone’. Don’t let that happen. They ask when you can visit - tell them when you had planned your next visit - don’t rush to their side.

MIL may well struggle, but she was offered a solution and has chosen to cancel it. DH needs to ask her what her plan is now.

I would just be saying ‘that’s a shame, sorry no, I can’t come earler’

They can make a rod for their own backs but can’t make one for yours. Refuse to get drawn on this.

As others have said - don't feel the need to step up. There's an easier solution but they have to accept it.

DH is just too soft to say anything to his mum and will just feel guilty and worried about them. Our next planned visit is on 17 August and I think we should stick to that. DH does have a brother but he is useless.

Can your FIL go to a day centre? I know my MIL used to go to one but think it was just once a week.

No to day centres in fact no to anything because "my son does that"

DH needs a good talking to. His parents need daily support to be kept healthy and safe and he can’t do that so he needs to encourage them to accept support.

Did they say why they cancelled the carers? I know a relative had a very rough and aggressive carer coming to her? We requested that this person did not attend again.

How old is MIL? Is she of sound mind? Is she broken after looking after FIL and can’t think straight

You need to tell them (in a gentle way) you won't be coming, that you live four hours away and that if they have let their carers go thinking it will force you to step in then they have made a huge mistake because you will not become their carers and that you are concerned about their decision making given they've let carers they need go and seem to think you can come from several hours away to meet their needs so you think it's best to request adult social services intervention.

Oh god OP my nan did something similar. I was fuming as it had taken me ages to set it up.

Get the careers reinstated and be firm about it.

We thought they'd got to a point where they would accept support but clearly not. I'd be happy to just leave them for the next 6 months and see how they manage then.

Ring the carers and tell them his son doesn't do that and this needs to be reinstated.

Your DH really needs to stop avoiding the issue. It won't get easier.
His parents are probably a bit scared of what's happening and want to abdicate all of this to someone else - DH.
It's not unkind to put boundaries in place.

Back off and tread water. Whilst your DH thinks you’ll back him up he’ll do nothing. You might need to be empathetic but keep out of it. This is not your worry to carry especially as there is another brother. Give it time. See what happens.

You need to put your foot down and say no.

If you keep doing it they will continue to expect you to keep doing it.

Tell them you can’t visit and they need to reinstate the carers.

If your DH wants to insist then he will have to do it all himself.

I assume this is like people saying when I get old I will go to Switzerland or just put me in a home, don’t want DC having to look after me. But reality is much harder.

How long has FIL been suffering?

The best way to help them is to not help them.
So no, their son does not and will not "do that" because they need proper care given by appropriately trained people.

Would they be willing to have help if you don't call them carers? My grandparents proudly tell people that they manage perfectly well without carers but they have someone who cleans, someone else who brings meals round for them and a couple of other people who drive them where they want to go.

Was the support arranged through a social worker? If so your DH needs to be contacting them and updating.
I’m sure the care agency would do this anyway, but the social worker will need to be aware so different approaches can be tried.

Also, have a look into some telecare equipment. Things like door sensors and falls monitor. There is also a portal type equipment where you can have reminders set up on it and video calls if your PIL are able to do the video call and wouldn’t switch it off.

Mayne suggest to your MIL that she has a carers assessment so she could have a break, maybe go and see a friend for a couple of hours whilst a carer visits and does something with FIL that he likes. Even if it’s just sitting and watching some sport/visit to the garden centre. This will hopefully build a relationship and further support can be introduced gradually.

You can call adult social
Services and say you're concerned.

I assume they cancelled the carer because it was not a good experience. You are assuming all carers are a good thing, but some carers do make life worse for people struggling to manage.

I’d pull back, it’s your dhs problem to fix not yours. Any sensible person can see a son who lives 4hrs away will have limited capacity to visit to do care.