PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

[StillNiceCardigan]

FIL is in his 80s and has Alzheimers and MIL is struggling to manage. We live 4 hours away and visit regularly but can't be there day to day. I'm devastated that they've cancelled the carers they had agreed to after one visit. Help me feel less angry at two 80 somethings who have just made life considerably more difficult for everyone.

My experience is one of the sensitivities about daily carers is you can get a different unknown carer each day - in the case of my 76 year old mum with cancer young male carers in their 20s were allocated to assist her with washing herself in the first week and each time she thanked them but said she was in too much pain that day because even the thought of the losing that much dignity made her weep

This

To everyone, (few exceptions who clearly have never actually experienced the realities of the complexities of stubborn elderly people) thank you! Definitely appreciate the comparisons to complex family dynamics. I definitely feel like a frightened child navigating our mother. Her volatile nature of old now manifests itself as quite scary. Staring hard at me and no words as opposed to shouting and screaming until she got her own way. She has dug this hole for herself had so much good advice and suggestions over the years but always knew better. I’m 36 hours since I was with her and am starting to feel better. Definitely taking the advice to be more focused on healthy boundaries and keeping a distance.

Agree with this. OP if it’s more just help around the house that your PIL need, your DH might be better off sourcing a local person privately for this, rather than a care agency. This is what we did with my DGM - a lovely local lady came once a day to prepare meals, make tea, do some washing and whatever else needed doing. This was in addition to cleaners that came once a week and district nurses to attend to medical issues. They got on really well and the fact it was the same person every time was helpful. We went down the carer agency route a few times, including some very expensive private companies, and it was always a disaster. Sometimes they would send men which my DGM hated (we weren’t allowed to refuse) but apart from that the quality of the carers was very variable and the constant cycle of new faces rather bewildering for my poor DGM.

I think my mother is also obsessed with leaving money. She has mentioned several times about money for grandchildren which is lovely, but not her responsibility I just want her to have the best quality of life in the time she has left and spend her money on that. I fear though that she won't want to spend it on help. But I will gladly spend mine instead because I will not spend the last good decade of my life doing someone else's cleaning, shopping and personal care. I do think though that she has this expectation, although for now it is unsaid. I struggle too because I find my mother quite unpleasant. I look forward to seeing her, but often, after 10 minutes I am desperate to leave.

The thing is they are actually being very manipulative. They would prefer your husband to do everything for them and are trying to ensure this will still happen by not engaging with the carers. It’s selfish, if your husband wants to continue to be controlled by them you can’t stop him but I would be clear that I will not be going up frequently to replace carers. I know there are reasons they may be resistant to carers and I don’t mean to sound uncaring but I feel a lot of concern for people who are basically at the whim of older people who are not seeing how the caring responsibilities are a strain on their children

@theonlygirl @Bunnie007 wise words re the manipulation and obsession with leaving money. Frankly our mother has always used manipulation to get her own way. She used to threaten to ‘never speak to you again’ if you didn’t follow her rules. In the case of my really lovely SIL she didn’t speak to her for years because she had been married before she met our brother. It was the most ridiculous few years but our mother buried her head in the sand because’ what will people say’. I remember saying to our mother …you are missing out on a lovely person being part of our family. She wouldn’t listen. Money wise her obsession with her bank balance is bonkers. Frankly I don’t need it. I’m certainly not relying on it. My sister and I know our brother is also quite focussed on inheritance money and we have agreed he can have it all as we are ok. I think she uses the inheritance as a stick to beat us with to keep helping her. After the atrocities in Southport my current mindset is any money left goes to the NHS staff at Alder Hey who have had to face real challenges this week. I also pledge not to expect my children to drop everything to care for me. They know this. I am utterly exhausted dealing with a selfish stubborn awkward resistant mother. I know she does not have any respect for me.

Frankly our mother has always used manipulation to get her own way. She used to threaten to ‘never speak to you again’ if you didn’t follow her rules.

When I have a conversation with my mum about she can't keep calling me about bits and pieces that other people could do because I can't always drop everything and it's disrupting my life, she moves straight to "Okay I'll never call you again then" 🙄

@SierraSapphire yep understand that. To be honest I had the wedding she wanted because she threatened to ‘never speak to me again’ when I expressed my choices. I went with her wishes - nearly 40 years on my DH and I ponder if she would have gone through with her threat!

Be strong - tell them to reinstate and stop being selfish - we had similar with my in-laws luckily we had lpa for health in place so we could insist the carers went - tell them it gives you peace of mind to know someone is going in regularly - good luck 🙂

@StillNiceCardigan goodness I totally feel for you. We have LPAs for health and finances but our mother ignores us when we try and insist she gets help. Interestingly it was our mother who insisted that I sort the LPAs. On reflection I think she loved the attention getting them sorted brought her. Good luck!

yanbu
it's incredibly difficult all around

with relatives we had to be very diplomatic for them to accept carers.
we started by organising a cleaner once a week and a daily meals service.
that really helped the eldery caring part of the couple so that they were in a better place to discuss a care arrangement.

maybe ask your dh to explore household help.

all the best!

It’s easy for people to say don’t get involved, let them manage etc but when it’s your parents or in-laws it’s hard and when they’re stubborn it’s harder. My parents are 86 & 83, stubborn should be their middle names plus denial that they’re old. Being this way caused falls, upset and blame everyone else. My mum really struggles to stand from her chair and walk, the other day she was telling my daughter who is expecting her first child very soon, that she’s more than happy to help out with childcare etc!!

Life is so cruel. I just wish I could pop off suddenly at 90 after being in perfect health and overdoing it at a salsa class with the 40 year old toyboy and feel a little unwell and then expire after a nice snack. It's the slow decline that is so sad. I think the main problem is not being able to accept that one is not as fit as ever, I certainly would have trouble accepting that. maybe there need to be more self help and coaching for getting old gracefully.

They are adults and can make their own decisions. They cannot demand you come to see them on a whim.

Unless you think your MIL is incapable of making decisions, you need to just step back and let things happen.

Yes, a friend has carers after a stroke and describes some as "ignorant".

Anyway, who wants strangers coming into their home?

My parents, and particularly my mum, after we lost dad, were very much the same.

If you think they're liable to not eat properly, or manage tasks like washing and eating properly, I'd flag it with adult social services who should go and visit.

It seems to go with the territory of feeling more vulnerable and knowing what lies ahead for you at that age.

Anyway, who wants strangers coming into their home?

I'm about to have a cleaner come in to help me and I look forward to it. I have a problem with my knee and can't get down on the floor to clean the oven or scrub the floors or even to clean out the bottom of the kitchen units. I often welcome strangers into my home. For most people it's pretty normal to have some form of domestic help and to be sociable. If you aren't you end up like the OP's parents and I don't intend to be like them.

Cool, no strangers then. Let OP and her husband run themselves ragged then 🙄

@SunnieShine the phrase “I don’t want strangers in the house” is first and foremost a veiled version of “I want you to do it BlueLegume”. Until our father was placed into a nursing home they had a cleaner. Had done for years. Then my mother told her not to come back. Was rude to her and about her all over the village she lives in. So when I contacted the lovely lady asking if she would go back, offered her better hourly rate she declined. Can’t say I blame her. So it falls to us.

Someone a while back used the phrase "invisible mending" for the work that goes on to let the elderly person continue their lives at home.

It's all about wants and needs. If the needs are acknowledged that's fine but for many the wants are more important and the needs are left unmet, unless someone puts a complete shift in, meeting them.

Putting carers off until the last minute ends up with a weaker person, who's just about been managing but not thriving...

Well they can demand it can't they, they can demand what they want.

It's very hard to ignore a demand for attention when the person is unhappy or in danger from their own actions.

I wonder how many of us saying we would never be like this, end up like this when we are OP's parents' age. Many older peoples' lives can get narrower and with that can come selfishness and fear, I certainly saw that with my DF as his health deteriorated in his 80s. My DM's life and views have certainly narrowed too now she is in her 90s.

She can be critical of other people in the flats were she lives not wanting carers/going into a home. Not sure she would be so keen to accept that if ever they are needed for her, even though she always says she doesn't want to be a burden (which she isn't at the moment)

But putting off a carer until you really need one makes logical sense in most circumstances. You have someone under paid coming into your house usually for a short space of time. They need to get things done and can often end up taking over to get things done in a short space of time. It feels intrusive and you have to fit around their timetable of when they are available. Don't want to eat your evening meal until later today as you are not yet hungry? Tough, this is the slot they come and heat up a meal for you. Want to lie in today? Tough this is the time they come round to get you up out of bed and dressed.
I don't know why people can't see how awful the reality is. Of course many people end up having to accept carers, but I totally understand putting it off until you have to.