PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

[StillNiceCardigan]

FIL is in his 80s and has Alzheimers and MIL is struggling to manage. We live 4 hours away and visit regularly but can't be there day to day. I'm devastated that they've cancelled the carers they had agreed to after one visit. Help me feel less angry at two 80 somethings who have just made life considerably more difficult for everyone.

I think your DH needs to get an answer to why they don't want carers. Sometimes it's the actual carer who isn't a good match. Sometimes a man prefers another man to do care, especially if help us needed to bathe, shave etc. If you can find out why, it might be possible to get another carer who is a better match. Otherwise, make it plain you can't help, and stick to it. I know it's hard to see them struggle but it's why carers exist. They are trained, they can do daily visits and aren't miles away.

I think you're right...I know of a few elderly people who never would have dreamed of putting upon their children when they were younger but became more needy and, I hate to say it but selfish, as they aged. Almost becoming quite childlike. I really do dread getting old! It does seem scary!

Oh I feel your pain - I have a stubborn parent in their 80s with dementia who hates carers coming, loss of independence etc and just assumed I would move in or be on call 24/7 to help.
Your DH must stay firm or the pressure of trying to support will become unbearable. Also please involve adult social services they have been for most part helpful to us in carrying out assessments and signposting to further help xx

You and DH need to sit down and discuss what you are able and willing to do, and then stick to it regardless of the guilt or emotional manipulation.
You and DH cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. It isn't good for you, them and isn't sustainable or realistic.

What are they asking you to do when you do visit?

Pull back. Your DH can do what he wants to, don't visit yourself for 3m.

All those saying don't get involved, is that really how your marriages/LTR work?

I'm all for not doing wife work, but I wouldn't make DH shoulder the whole burden himself or him, me.
Yes, he needs to man up and tell his mum she needs help, but making him visit alone seems mean to me.

The best way to help them is actually not help them
DH should get his head out of the sand
It is hard to see this happening to your own parents, I agree

What is your normal visiting frequency? Stick to that. So when they ask you to visit, the answer is "See you at the end of August as usual". Or whatever is normal for you.

Could be worth finding out why they cancelled the carers - could be reasonable, such as an unpleasant or nasty one, or not.

Keep saying to Fill your son can't do that from 4 hours away so that is why he has organised carers - keep repeating it

also are you getting the 25% on council tax for him? as he has SMI, if not check out how to get it or ask

Are you getting attendance allowance for FIL?

He has dementia.

God, how callous. I hope I have more love and attention that this in my 80s!! What a cold world we live in.

One has dementia and the other is old and tired and likely emotional. They are not sensible. They are old and need support

This!

What exactly is callous about it?

OP and her DH live 4 hours away. They can't physically be there all the time to care themselves. They have organised carers. They can't force DPIL to accept those carers, what do you actually expect OP to do about it if they refuse?

With the best will in the world, OP and her DH cannot be full time carers when it would involve an 8 hour round trip on a daily basis. PILs need to be realistic, and so do you.

My MIL is like this.
She cancelled the carers because they didn’t do anything helpful - she wanted them to clean they were employed to change her incontinence pads and help her get up.
She tells social services her DIL makes all her food - I do no such thing, DH takes her fish and chips every Saturday and I cook her a Christmas dinner.
She tells social services her son lives with her - he doesn’t we live 15 minutes away which is close but not the same as there in the middle of the night if she falls.
I’ve told DH he needs to tell them he doesn’t do these things but she has told him she will kill herself before she goes in a home and he believes her so we keep helping and are effectively running two households.

You'd take on a caring role for PILs who live 4 hours away?

And dementia is SMI if diagnosed by doctor

I think ‘any sensible person’ is nurses, social care etc. not the parents.

A line in the sand is needed. There is very little you can do from 4 hours away. Do you work, having children, pets etc? I’m guessing yes. They need to accept carers or the consequences. I wouldn’t swoop in, l would remind then them you are next going to visit in a few weeks and to have careers

I’m guessing they want you to move close by or move in with them. Again l wouldn’t recommend this either. You are allowed to have your own life. All of this could go on for years

That's not what I said, I wouldn't ignore the situation and make DH shoulder the mental load alone.
They do need local help, but that doesn't stop it from being stressful.

The carers were from a private agency that we arranged with agreement from MIL. The notes on the visit are that all help was refused so they just had a getting to know you chat.

I had arranged for a needs assessment previously but MIL cancelled that. We had described them as helpers rather than carers and they would have done any practical things around the house and would have taken them out. Basically all the stuff we do. I'm less angry now we've been for a stomp round the block. We're keeping our arranged visit in place and will just be a broken record " you could have help with that" .

It’s not so easy as telling them the carers are coming or reinstating the carers against PILs wishes. The carers can’t barge their way in and insist on completing their duties and the PILs will not necessarily see the light if they continue to struggle.

I had a battle with my mum who had Alzheimer’s over carers. I wanted them to help her take her morning medication, get her some breakfast and then return in the evening to check on her and make her some dinner. She hated it, particularly the evening visits and would lie to them about already having eaten and turn them away. They didn’t believe her (rightly) but she would not let them in the house. Ultimately I cancelled the evening visits myself as it was futile. I had to accept that she just wasn’t going to eat in the evenings.
Thankfully she did let them help her take her meds in the morning and make her a cup of tea and weetabix.

OP, could you get them to agree to one or two small tasks that the carers can help them with. The most essential ones, just to build up trust and a relationship.

My mum had to go into care in the end because she just couldn’t live independently (and was having repeated falls). If she’d have accepted more help, it may have delayed this but I’ll never know.

When dh has to go and sort things out himself over there he will more likely arrange outside help than if you go along and do everything... Stay home op. Until your pre arranged visit..