PILs have cancelled carers and are now asking when we can visit

[StillNiceCardigan]

FIL is in his 80s and has Alzheimers and MIL is struggling to manage. We live 4 hours away and visit regularly but can't be there day to day. I'm devastated that they've cancelled the carers they had agreed to after one visit. Help me feel less angry at two 80 somethings who have just made life considerably more difficult for everyone.

I work but DH is early retired. We have three adult children and a life. I want to help PILs but already sat down and worked out how often we could visit without being absolutely frazzled with it all. That has recently gone by the wayside and we've been up three weekends out of four. The carers were for our sakes as much as PILs.

Its not callous at all. Not everyone has close relationships with their parents and wants to dedicate all of their time to them. We have other commitments such as jobs and children. And 4 hours away, its not around the corner.

If not done so already apply for attendance allowance. This will take the financial element away if they say they can't afford it. This is what the money is for - to get additional help. Find out what would be most helpful to them as you can get companionship for MIL not just care for FIL.

Speaking from experience, sometimes it needs to all fall apart before change happens unfortunately.

It'll break you if you try caring for them especially being four hours away. Like people have suggested take a deep breath, step back and let the next few days/weeks unfold. I would show your husband our comments, nobody cares for the carers, I've seen plenty crumble unfortunately.

They can afford it easily they have more coming in each month than they spend as well. It was more to give MIL a break.

Yes, it really is how my marriage works. DH visits his mum alone every 4 weeks or so, and I take the DC to visit in the school holidays (so 3 or 4 times a year). There's no point all of us going every time, DH would agree with that. Similarly I'll do the lion's share if/when my parents need more support. We've been happily married for 20 years btw.

Our next visit is due on 17th August and we'll try to stick to that but will see how things go.

Do they have a cleaner? If DH is retired can he go up in person on his own and go through again with MIL what is needed and why she struggled with the carer? Could he be there when a carer comes in?
This is a big step for your in-laws and MIL may be finding it overwhelming

No OP, not “we’ll try to stick to that”. Next visit 17th August end of

We have similar with PiL. They live near one sister, we are 200 miles away. MiL has Alzheimers - PiL is beginning to struggle with everyday things. They have carers but FiL is verbally abusive to them, claiming that they're interfering, they're not needed etc etc..Last week, SiL had a week off so had booked lots of nice things to do for herself - treats she rarely gets. So PiL wouldn't wear his incontinence pads and soiled himself twice. She got no time off as he was phoning non stop asking when she was coming to help.

I know everybody gets old but I just find him so selfish.

Sounds cruel but actually this is what you must persuade DH to do. of course he will feel miserable and guilty but what other practical solution is there? What happens to people who don't have family?

It's all very well for people to say 'Oh, the family should look after their old folk'. Sometimes it's like this, and it's so exhausting and stressful.

OP I sympathise. Your H needs to not buckle. Being soft and feeling guilty is not going to change things.

The only way to resolve this is tough love. Telling your MIL you will see her on the 17th and no earlier.

If she makes noises about needing help with XYZ, then remind her that was what the carers were for. That she cancelled them, so presumably she doesn't need help. That you cannot help because you live too far away. And that if she does need help then she needs to use the carers. Rinse and repeat - it's the only way you will get through.

I think hard as it is you should stick to that date, they’re sadly blackmailing you here.

Your DH needs to say ‘we’re not coming until 17 Aug as you know, the carers can come regularly before that to help - that is the help available before then but you have to accept this help and not cancel them’ .

At the end of the day they've made their choice and now it's up to you to make your choice OP. I wouldn't be going before Aug 17th which is only 3 weeks away anyway. Your DH needs to grow a back bone and tell his mother that you can't do an 8 hour round trip every weekend and they need to let the carers help out as you can only come once a month (or whatever). They've told the carers that their son does everything because he currently does.

You have to be very firm with boundaries with old people especially if dementia is involved.

You cannot go more than 1 weekend a month. They need carers for daily support. If they can’t find a good care agency the other alternative is a retirement village near where they live now (monthly visits from you) or near where you live so you can drop in more regularly.

Those are the options. Rinse and repeat.

People saying let DH cope alone, don't go with him etc. do sound rather callous. My parents lived 2 hours away, and for the last few years my husband and I went every week, to get them fish and chips for lunch and help with various small tasks. When dad died, we visited mum every week till covid stopped us. Fortunately my sister lived nearby and did a lot to help. My point is, my husband and I were a team, and supported each other through it all. When dad was dying, mum was also in hospital and while I sat with dad Peter sat with mum and held her hand. We always had each other's backs, right up until Peter's death two years ago.
Dealing gwith old, frightened, confused parents is very hard, but Peter would never have left me to deal with it alone.

No solutions, but many commiserations. "My son will do that" - or more often "my daughter" is all too common an expression of denial by older people who are really needing support but still have the agency to push it forcefully away. I really sympathise having been through the same.

My only advice is to keep in mind through all the noise from others about how you'll have to help/ought to help/ought to want to help etc, is that relationships really suffer when they start revolving around care. In my experience, even if your DH wanted and was able to run up and down the country providing them with every service, it will end up completely trashing his feelings towards them and (looking ahead) his memories of them. I don't think that can ever be a good thing.

My question is, who cancelled the carers? Does your MIL have independent access to money?

if it was FIL who cancelled the care, it may be he doesn’t realise how much help MIL needs…needs not wants.

your DH must be firm - carers must be reinstated, or no visits. People are usually one stage ahead of the assumed Alzheimer’s level. Your DH must ensure there is contingency in the plan. Once your MIL breaks (and it is likely) a home is the only answer. Your DH is not being caring ducking this, but is being complicit in harming your MIL. Sounds nasty, but it’s true.

can you tell I’ve been there and wish someone had said this to me - even though I wouldn’t have welcomed it at the time.

good luck

In my (very difficult) experience its necessary for things to start going wrong before Parents like this will agree to any changes.
I went through similar with my Mum and Sdad and until something awful happens they refuse to accept it.
It took for my wheelchair bound Mum to lie on the floor for 3 hours while my Demented Sdad walked past her repeatedly and ignored her for them to admit there was a problem.
Awful I know

Thanks for the opportunity to vent everyone I do feel a bit better prepared to deal with it all now. We are going to go for a repetitive "you could have had help with that"

Tell your DP to contact adult social care and step away. They are not your responsibility

Your DH needs to be firm and tell his parents the Carers must come back. He needs to tell his Dad that it's unfair on your Mum. Make a stand and just visit August 17th as you were planning too. Discuss with DH and tell him if he offers more frequent visits he'll be going alone. A 4 hour drive is no joke.

It was me that formally cancelled the carers after MIL told them not to come back. It was her decision not FILs. She has always managed the money FIL has never had anything to do with it.

Or the sometimes as effective that sounds awful, what are you going to do about that (obviously only if one of them has mental capacity).

That was madness. Once a month would be more normal. I'd be telling DH if he wants to spend every weekend with his parents he can do so alone as you have other things to do.

I think the crisis that caused all the extra visits must have abated (a sudden decline in FILs mental state) I discussed what I saw on the last visit with the memory service and it coincided with a change in the dosage of his medication. They are going out to see him next week and the GP is going before then to check he has no obvious health conditions causing the decline. Other than that we'll leave them to it for a bit. I don't mind going up with DH and my parents (who are thankfully doing well) live in the same town