I think maybe that I am but tbh I’m so exhausted from everything in my life that I’m questioning myself.
Quick background.
My parents are elderly (early 80’s). My sister and I both live very close to our parents (we are all in the same village). Dsis lives with her partner and I live with my dh and dc.
Mum has been unwell during the last 6 years. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. She has heart disease, is bent over with osteoporosis and this year was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mum lives with dad. Mum’s dementia is obviously getting worse but she can drink and feed herself, is mobile, toilets herself and still recognises us etc but is obviously getting worse and will never get better. They have a carer for an hour every morning to help mum shower and dress.
My sister and I help out as much as we can. I help more as I work part time and my dsis works more hours.
I pop in on my parents around 5 days a week and will help them with as much as I can with their day to day living. Tbh, I have done too much over the years but handed some of it over to my sister a few months ago as it was getting too much and I had a small breakdown over the workload and my own health issues which I’m struggling with atm.
My father is not always an easy man, he puts a lot of stumbling blocks in the way and can make our lives quite tricky and says no to a lot of suggestions for things which could make his and our lives easier but I do what I can because of my mum, she was a great mother.
But it is bloody hard work juggling my own life and theirs. Not made any easier by the fact dad has hundreds of thousands in the bank but refuses to pay out for many things, he seems to be from an era where he believes family should help out. As I say, I do all I can for them. My sister goes round about twice a week. One of these days she cleans (sometimes it’s once a week, sometimes once a fortnight). I refuse to clean a) because I despise cleaning and b)I’m not cleaning my parents house when they have £400k sitting in the bank, dad can easily afford a weekly cleaner but refuses.
To give dad a break and stimulation for my mum she goes to a day centre twice a week for afternoon sessions (12-3pm). I make her a packed lunch for these two days (which I pay for myself as dad has never offered to reimburse me). Currently, one of these days my dad takes and collects mum as I’m having counselling atm but when that’s finished in a few weeks I have offered to take her. The other day I usually take or collect her or do both so to give dad a few hours to himself.
So on to the issue which has upset me. This week we had mum’s usual 3 month review with the day centre. I always attend with dad as he likes the support. My sister is never offered to come and that’s her prerogative.
So we were chatting away and the day center carer said to dad that it must be nice for him to have a few hours to himself every week to do his own thing. He replied ‘Well, yes and no. By the time I’ve dropped her off it’s basically time to come back’. He never mentioned that at least one of these days per week I do the dropping off/picking up but I didn’t say anything.
She then said how difficult it must be for him to do everything himself. I gently added, ‘Well, we (dsis and I) do help as much as we can for you, don’t we dad?’. He replied ‘Yes, I have two daughters, one cleans for me and the other (looked at me smirking)….doesn’t!’. (My sister has always been his favourite child and can never do wrong).
I kind of laughed and replied ‘No but I do lots of other things to help you though don’t I?’ He then looked at me and said ‘Pfff, you? Help? What do you do? A few sandwich’s??’.
The lady looked uncomfortable at that remark and I felt so upset. It looked as though I do sod all for them when the truth is that I do everything I can to help my parents as I know my dad struggles to accept my mum’s diagnosis and their future and I hate seeing them both struggle.
I couldn’t help myself, when we came out I turned him and said that comment really hurt me and made me look as though I do nothing to help you and that couldn’t be further from the truth. He replied that I was being too sensitive and it was ‘just a joke’. I said but it’s not a joke, it was personal and hurt. He wouldn’t accept that and said I was being silly. He has form for being sharp tongued and taking the piss out of people, he spent his whole career in a male dominated industry where everyone took the piss out off each other and that mentality has never left him, he still does this to people and he has zero idea how much he hurts people or pisses them off.
Maybe I am being super sensitive but dealing with elderly parents and dementia is bloody hard work and tbh I don’t see it as a joke not at all. And he never seems to appreciate what we do for him, especially anything I do.