Am I being overly sensitive about this comment?

[Theyearwas1973]

I think maybe that I am but tbh I’m so exhausted from everything in my life that I’m questioning myself.

Quick background.

My parents are elderly (early 80’s). My sister and I both live very close to our parents (we are all in the same village). Dsis lives with her partner and I live with my dh and dc.

Mum has been unwell during the last 6 years. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. She has heart disease, is bent over with osteoporosis and this year was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mum lives with dad. Mum’s dementia is obviously getting worse but she can drink and feed herself, is mobile, toilets herself and still recognises us etc but is obviously getting worse and will never get better. They have a carer for an hour every morning to help mum shower and dress.

My sister and I help out as much as we can. I help more as I work part time and my dsis works more hours.
I pop in on my parents around 5 days a week and will help them with as much as I can with their day to day living. Tbh, I have done too much over the years but handed some of it over to my sister a few months ago as it was getting too much and I had a small breakdown over the workload and my own health issues which I’m struggling with atm.

My father is not always an easy man, he puts a lot of stumbling blocks in the way and can make our lives quite tricky and says no to a lot of suggestions for things which could make his and our lives easier but I do what I can because of my mum, she was a great mother.
But it is bloody hard work juggling my own life and theirs. Not made any easier by the fact dad has hundreds of thousands in the bank but refuses to pay out for many things, he seems to be from an era where he believes family should help out. As I say, I do all I can for them. My sister goes round about twice a week. One of these days she cleans (sometimes it’s once a week, sometimes once a fortnight). I refuse to clean a) because I despise cleaning and b)I’m not cleaning my parents house when they have £400k sitting in the bank, dad can easily afford a weekly cleaner but refuses.

To give dad a break and stimulation for my mum she goes to a day centre twice a week for afternoon sessions (12-3pm). I make her a packed lunch for these two days (which I pay for myself as dad has never offered to reimburse me). Currently, one of these days my dad takes and collects mum as I’m having counselling atm but when that’s finished in a few weeks I have offered to take her. The other day I usually take or collect her or do both so to give dad a few hours to himself.

So on to the issue which has upset me. This week we had mum’s usual 3 month review with the day centre. I always attend with dad as he likes the support. My sister is never offered to come and that’s her prerogative.

So we were chatting away and the day center carer said to dad that it must be nice for him to have a few hours to himself every week to do his own thing. He replied ‘Well, yes and no. By the time I’ve dropped her off it’s basically time to come back’. He never mentioned that at least one of these days per week I do the dropping off/picking up but I didn’t say anything.
She then said how difficult it must be for him to do everything himself. I gently added, ‘Well, we (dsis and I) do help as much as we can for you, don’t we dad?’. He replied ‘Yes, I have two daughters, one cleans for me and the other (looked at me smirking)….doesn’t!’. (My sister has always been his favourite child and can never do wrong).
I kind of laughed and replied ‘No but I do lots of other things to help you though don’t I?’ He then looked at me and said ‘Pfff, you? Help? What do you do? A few sandwich’s??’.

The lady looked uncomfortable at that remark and I felt so upset. It looked as though I do sod all for them when the truth is that I do everything I can to help my parents as I know my dad struggles to accept my mum’s diagnosis and their future and I hate seeing them both struggle.

I couldn’t help myself, when we came out I turned him and said that comment really hurt me and made me look as though I do nothing to help you and that couldn’t be further from the truth. He replied that I was being too sensitive and it was ‘just a joke’. I said but it’s not a joke, it was personal and hurt. He wouldn’t accept that and said I was being silly. He has form for being sharp tongued and taking the piss out of people, he spent his whole career in a male dominated industry where everyone took the piss out off each other and that mentality has never left him, he still does this to people and he has zero idea how much he hurts people or pisses them off.

Maybe I am being super sensitive but dealing with elderly parents and dementia is bloody hard work and tbh I don’t see it as a joke not at all. And he never seems to appreciate what we do for him, especially anything I do.

I’ll try working on that mindset.

Somebody wise on here said “ we do it because if who we are, not who they are”

@Theyearwas1973 ’constant battle’. It is so true. Dealing with the general situation is a struggle and exhausting but I feel like while I am doing all the things for DM she thinks it is ok to be some kind of overseer/clerk of works/Ofsted inspector letting me know whatever I do it isn’t quite good enough. I have said it before having watched my Mum pick off really good people trying to help until they literally have to walk away my sense is ( and memory of how she has always treated people) she gets a buzz seeing people fall by the wayside. She likes the thrill of seeing a broken hull of a decent person. My DS made a great point. He observed that my Mum his grandmother has always been super competitive. He suggested her behaviour means she ‘wins’ however negative the outcome when people walk away due to being out of ideas etc.Almost like she is so special no ordinary person can help.

So true

I do think my dad gets a kick out of it all sometimes but I also think he’s missing something tbh.
Like your mother, he has fallen out with so many people, he no longer has any friends and he’s fallen out big time with his next door neighbours, he previously got on so well with them but he upset the wife. I wasn’t there at the time but she’s adamant he was very rude and offhand to her and deeply upset her. Yet dad will absolutely never accept that it could be him, it’s always the fault of everyone else.
He is certainly missing that filter we all possess and just says what he thinks, please or offend and it’s often the latter!

It might be worth arranging to go and speak to them at a time when your parents aren't there, and (take a list) explaining all the things you do for them, and that your dad simply doesn't seem to take on board everything that you have to do, and all he sees is that you 'make sandwiches' and your sister does the cleaning.

They need to know the score really, and they will then be better placed to help your mum (and advocate for you should the need arise).

My late father in law lived in what we assumed to be poverty. Thread bare carpets, bed and mattress that were over 40 years old. No renovation or improvement to the house since purchased in the 1980s. It worried and upset me, as he refused to accept that DH's stepmother had dementia and he refused all help (we now understand that it was because he was expected to pay). When he died and DH was given the value of his estate, we both were both absolutely furious because although his stepmother wasn't a very nice person she really suffered in her last couple of years and that suffering was completely unnecessary. All because he would rather that money sat in the bank than help someone he was supposed to love.

I deeply regret not having involved social services, because hard as it is to say out loud, he was abusing her by witholding care that would have made her life easier. She had no dignity at the end.

@LizzieBennett73 that is heartbreaking.

That is just awful your poor stepmother.

I think you should also be livid. But you know what, if he’s big and brave enough to dish it out he can absolutely be on the receiving end.

Given that you “make a few sandwiches” he can do without all the rest of the services he has felt entitled to without a whiff of gratitude.
And I would tell him why “Since it was nothing, you won’t even notice not having it. You know, I learned that other people should clean at your knee.”
“Why on earth would I clean up after someone as ungrateful and entitled as you are? You certainly wouldn’t, but then of course, you think shit-work is only for women, don’t you?”

His attitude is enraging, he’s absolutely brazen that cleaning is beneath him. Your poor mother, being married to such a pig.
And presumably he’s an absolute baby about it as well, that he has to be emotionally molly coddled.
You know what OP, you will feel so much better if you turn on him, go for the jugular, and let him experience all the decades of rage.

If I were you OP, I'd still look after your DM (to a reasonable extent and amount that you can cope with), but I'd start calling your DF out.

"Wanna make Mums sandwiches Dad? No I thought not"
"Wanna cut mums nails and wash her hair dad? I wonder who would wash your hair if you can't manage it one day?"
Etc etc etc
He'll soon realise how much you do.

I would file this under “dad is a selfish git”. Think no more of it- he isn’t going to change now.

I think guilt is something we all live with, when it comes to parents. I have DD and have vowed she will not be my carer and I’ll never ask her to do things for me. You don’t have a child so they can look after you when you get older! Quite a few of DH’s friends have emigrated, so they cannot provide care. They see parents once or twice a year and that’s it.

Do what you can, what you feel you want to do and leave it at that.

@thinkfast - also this. Remind him. (Don’t expect him to care though!). Look after yourself.

In the early stage of MIL dementia my FIL berated her for not remembering birthdays etc. He refused any help from cleaners to carers. He would drive to the supermarket with her in nightclothes and leave her locked in the car in the car park. He would drive somewhere and take off - she would leave the car and become lost requiring police to find her. He would leave her sobbing in the car in the drive in nightclothes. He would take her comfort stuffed toys and pretend they had left to cause distress. She was not washed or clothed or toileted because it was too stressful for him. She had worked her whole life and had savings to pay for her care.

In the end she was admitted to a care home as he could not care for her. But then he transformed but really didn't. He was there all day every day and DOLS was instigated after he attacked staff and declared he wanted to remove her. He is still there every day years later, all day force feeding her and playing her nursery rhymes. If your whole life has been about controlling another it's hard to give that up. I think the staff should stand up to him but he is scary. Even after they called the police on him they still allow unrestrained access to a vulnerable person.

So sorry you are experiencing this - men should not determine what support a woman receives - especially when it means controlling her money/savings.

You are not being oversensitive at all.
I have a difficult mother and I've learnt to just say what I think upfront. Especially about money.
She has more income than me and my husband yet would take the clothes off your back if you let her.
She relies on shame and guilt stopping you from calling her out.
But now days I just openly say.. 'you have more income than me and my husband combined I'm not paying for that.' If she tries nonsense.
I have also realised I was automatically doing things for her that she didn't do herself.. like cleaning.. bring round basic supplies.. because I didn't want anyone to think I didn't care about her or would allow her to live in squalor.
Thing is tho she could easily afford a cleaner.. she cam manage to go shopping for clothes in town by herself but apparently can't buy a hoover.. or bleach or bin bags or any boring necessary things...
I've learnt now to step back. I still feel the urge to come round with cleaning supplies and do it for her but I've realised this is a choice she's making..
I have 3 kids one of whom is a 4mo baby.. and I have a full time job to go back to as well... I am not her housemaid. It would be at the expense of my family if I were.
I know uts so hard to combat the guilt.. but your father is not taking proper responsibility for things whilst you step in..
And like my mother is pretending its your duty and/or the work you are doing doesn't exist so you don't need to be acknowledged or reimbursed for it.

Just stop doing it all. And if he talks nonsense about it you stand up for yourself abd you tell him straight what it costs you in money and time and the impact it has on your life.. and you tell him straight he could afford to pay someone a fair living wage for doing these things but instead he wants his daughters to make personal sacrifices for him.. and you tell him straight he is mean spirited and wrong.

OP, I sympathise, and know exactly what you are dealing with.

I know this feels impossible, but you must try and get some emotional separation from this.

It is already impacting your own family, causing tension in your marriage, and damaging your mental health.

If possible make a list of the things that your parents actually need help with, and the things that are ‘nice to haves’.

Then identify the ones that you can do and are fully willing to do. Not squeezed in, under duress, but that you can accommodate.

If your relationship with your sister is good, you could do this with her, and tick the things that equally and can take on and us willing to undertake without stress.

Then list as a matter of fact how the other things can be done. E.g extend morning carer hours or get 2 visits a day / get a taxi / get a cleaner/ get a gardener etc.

Do not engage in your Dad’s manipulative antics. Grey rock: “ I cannot commit to that I suggest you get extra help” on repeat.

If he starts on about love, faaaaamily and duty, “I do love you, I care about you both but this is about what is practically possible in my life, I have laid out what I can do to help, and you have the resources to solve the other issues”. On repeat.

Most of all: believe it separate yourself from his accusations. Imagine you are actually covered in Teflon. You really ARE a great daughter, but you need to be a great friend to yourself, to your kids, to your DH.

Be motivated by what you can actually do, don’t be driven by guilt into what you can’t

Sending tea and strength.

If you 'do nothing' for your dad, it won't matter if you stop doing it. Time to step back and let him see how much you actually do - but don't go back to setting yourself on fire to keep him warm!

You need to stop doing anything for a month other than visiting your mum, Don't take your mum to the day centre, let your father do that. Speak to your sister and tell her why you are cutting back for a month. Stay strong.

@Theyearwas1973 your dad knows exactly how rude and hurtful he is, he doesn't care, unless he is so stupid he doesn't understand what he is saying. I work in a very male dominated industry at the top, there is indeed a bit of banter but not insults.
You are right he doesn't appreciate what you do, you do it for free and he expects it. You put no value on your time, neither does he, let him start paying for help.
Those that work in the elderly care sector are better placed to deal with difficult unpleasant people, we are not, we do our best (which is never deemed enough) but we are emotionally connected which confuses the boundaries of common decency. You are not obligated to do anything.
When my parents started behaving like this I became unavailable. It is easier to accept he will not change, my experience was it got worse with age, you can choose to put up with it or not. You can not negotiate or reason with a bullying parent. How much did he do for his aging parents? I doubt he helped them. He is a selfish fool.

Thanks everyone, I saw my parents yesterday. Dad was telling me how much he’s struggling with mum first thing on a Saturday and Sunday morning as she won’t get showered or dressed. They have a lovely carer who comes in to help mum Mon-Fri mornings but dad won’t pay for her to come at the weekends! I suggested he ask her but he says ‘not yet, maybe in the future’ but then goes on and on about how hard his weekends are. I’m certain if I offered to come round Sat and Sun mornings to help wash and dress mum he’d accept that in a heartbeat but he won’t pay for the help from an experienced carer. It is all so frustrating at times, whatever I suggest I’m told I’m interfering yet he does little to help make his life easier. I appreciate just how much his life has changed and how hard it is but I don’t know what else to suggest to him. I can’t and don’t want to give up all of my time caring for my parents. I have my own health issues (both mental and physical) and as they say you can’t pour from an empty cup. As much as I want to help I can I can only do so much, I don’t have much more to give and I do feel guilty for that (and I am working on that guilt with the counselling).

My sister texted me yesterday to say I should just forget about what dad said at the meeting and let it go over my head and then proceeded to tell me she noticed mums nails need cutting ffs!

I have my counselling session tomorrow and I’ll talk it through with my counsellor, she knows how I am feeling about all of this. I’m still feeling low about the whole thing as I have such conflicting emotions - anger, frustration, sadness, guilt and hurt. So far, ime dementia is a wicked disease and it takes down everyone it touches.

Maybe tell your dad you need to contact social services to do a proper assessment of her needs. They will then set up a plan and he will have to pay or refuse and then deal with the local authority. Financial elder abuse is a crime. Call age concern, I found them extremely helpful when dealing with my parents before I ended up going no contact.
Your father is with holding care from a vulnerable elderly lady, it's is their money not his money. I would be furious at him allowing her to suffer, go unwashed just because he is selfish and too mean to support his wife, it is his responsibility not yours.

Mum does not suffer, she’s not being abused. Mum can shower herself but she needs support. Dad makes sure she washes at the weekends but he finds it hard work because she is like a child and often refuses to go into the bathroom, he has to persuade her (very much like a petulant toddler), he finds it very draining as it takes such a long time.

We have had 3 SS carer assessments over the last two and a half years, the last one was a month ago. Because mum is well cared for, because my parents have two daughters who visit regularly, a carer in the morning and well over the £23,500 threshold they aren’t interested at all. We’ve just had the written assessment posted to us and it says they are more than happy with mum’s care.

My issue isn’t that mum isn’t cared for, she is. It is that my dad doesn’t appear to appreciate what is done for him, how much it impacts the lives of his daughters. That’s all I need, just to know he sees that we are all in this together and it’s not just his battle and that spending a little bit of his money could make all of our lives just that little bit easier.

You’re being very wise.

A suggestion- when people say things like ‘mums nails need doing’, don hear it as a complaint or a suggestion. We people pleasers assume it’s a passive aggressive instruction but it may just be a comment- and even if it isn’t, you can treat it as one.
‘Oh dear, do they?’, is all you need to say.

Dotto with your dad. ‘I expect it is tiring dad. Do look after yourself as well!’.

And don’t be afraid to mention your needs-
‘I’m exhausted at the moment, between worrying about work, the kids, and trying to help you and mum as well. We’re all getting worn out!’.

You may want to have a meeting without the aged parents, but I’m sure the Support team will have realised how much support is quietly occurring. It would be horribly obvious if the help was missing.

we had a very similar situation with my father, and it was a quiet meeting about POA and end of life wishes when the team made it clear to my brother and me that they completely grasped the situation and how often it occurred that support was overlooked by the ageds. It was hugely reassuring that they saw through the story dad was telling.

you can only do what you can, and try to keep a sense of perspective about it. It’s no comfort to say many do a lot less, but they do. But that guilt seems to be bred into us…

Oh dear that sounds really hard. I definitely wouldn't worry about the day centre staff's view of you: I imagine they are really used to people misrepresenting situations.
I hope you can find some peace with it all.

His sarcasm may be due in part to pride and an unwillingness to accept and acknowledge how much help they actually need.

TBH family carers rarely get much appreciation - unless they're unable to help for whatever reason! I hurt my back and literally couldn't walk properly so couldn't help DPs for 12 days until I recovered. It opened their eyes big time as to how much they relied on me for the basics! And how useless DSibs were when they needed to step up and fill the gap.

Sounds like you need a holiday so book 2 weeks and let them cope. It may open their eyes, and would give you a chance to decompress.