Am I being overly sensitive about this comment?

[Theyearwas1973]

I think maybe that I am but tbh I’m so exhausted from everything in my life that I’m questioning myself.

Quick background.

My parents are elderly (early 80’s). My sister and I both live very close to our parents (we are all in the same village). Dsis lives with her partner and I live with my dh and dc.

Mum has been unwell during the last 6 years. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. She has heart disease, is bent over with osteoporosis and this year was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mum lives with dad. Mum’s dementia is obviously getting worse but she can drink and feed herself, is mobile, toilets herself and still recognises us etc but is obviously getting worse and will never get better. They have a carer for an hour every morning to help mum shower and dress.

My sister and I help out as much as we can. I help more as I work part time and my dsis works more hours.
I pop in on my parents around 5 days a week and will help them with as much as I can with their day to day living. Tbh, I have done too much over the years but handed some of it over to my sister a few months ago as it was getting too much and I had a small breakdown over the workload and my own health issues which I’m struggling with atm.

My father is not always an easy man, he puts a lot of stumbling blocks in the way and can make our lives quite tricky and says no to a lot of suggestions for things which could make his and our lives easier but I do what I can because of my mum, she was a great mother.
But it is bloody hard work juggling my own life and theirs. Not made any easier by the fact dad has hundreds of thousands in the bank but refuses to pay out for many things, he seems to be from an era where he believes family should help out. As I say, I do all I can for them. My sister goes round about twice a week. One of these days she cleans (sometimes it’s once a week, sometimes once a fortnight). I refuse to clean a) because I despise cleaning and b)I’m not cleaning my parents house when they have £400k sitting in the bank, dad can easily afford a weekly cleaner but refuses.

To give dad a break and stimulation for my mum she goes to a day centre twice a week for afternoon sessions (12-3pm). I make her a packed lunch for these two days (which I pay for myself as dad has never offered to reimburse me). Currently, one of these days my dad takes and collects mum as I’m having counselling atm but when that’s finished in a few weeks I have offered to take her. The other day I usually take or collect her or do both so to give dad a few hours to himself.

So on to the issue which has upset me. This week we had mum’s usual 3 month review with the day centre. I always attend with dad as he likes the support. My sister is never offered to come and that’s her prerogative.

So we were chatting away and the day center carer said to dad that it must be nice for him to have a few hours to himself every week to do his own thing. He replied ‘Well, yes and no. By the time I’ve dropped her off it’s basically time to come back’. He never mentioned that at least one of these days per week I do the dropping off/picking up but I didn’t say anything.
She then said how difficult it must be for him to do everything himself. I gently added, ‘Well, we (dsis and I) do help as much as we can for you, don’t we dad?’. He replied ‘Yes, I have two daughters, one cleans for me and the other (looked at me smirking)….doesn’t!’. (My sister has always been his favourite child and can never do wrong).
I kind of laughed and replied ‘No but I do lots of other things to help you though don’t I?’ He then looked at me and said ‘Pfff, you? Help? What do you do? A few sandwich’s??’.

The lady looked uncomfortable at that remark and I felt so upset. It looked as though I do sod all for them when the truth is that I do everything I can to help my parents as I know my dad struggles to accept my mum’s diagnosis and their future and I hate seeing them both struggle.

I couldn’t help myself, when we came out I turned him and said that comment really hurt me and made me look as though I do nothing to help you and that couldn’t be further from the truth. He replied that I was being too sensitive and it was ‘just a joke’. I said but it’s not a joke, it was personal and hurt. He wouldn’t accept that and said I was being silly. He has form for being sharp tongued and taking the piss out of people, he spent his whole career in a male dominated industry where everyone took the piss out off each other and that mentality has never left him, he still does this to people and he has zero idea how much he hurts people or pisses them off.

Maybe I am being super sensitive but dealing with elderly parents and dementia is bloody hard work and tbh I don’t see it as a joke not at all. And he never seems to appreciate what we do for him, especially anything I do.

So tough for you OP. A little appreciation and acknowledgement would make a huge difference to how you feel I bet.

Does he seem to express appreciation for your sister/ the favourite? If so this is just a continuation of the golden child/scapegoat roles. The parent is so adamant that the children child is better and more worthy of praise that their input is bigged up and they close their eyes to the scapegoat child's input.

I noted your comment about him just not seeming able to show appreciation though it's not a matter of pride. For my parents I think they just consider me inferior and not worthy of thanks or praise.

Good for you for pulling back though don't be surprised if it gives him another "stick to beat you with".

To put it in perspective op - what did he do for his own parents? Was he an ever dutiful Son?

@honeylulu spot on about the parent thinking the (adult) child is inferior. As one of 3 I have always been the one they see as inferior. I am quiet and perhaps didn’t fill every social interaction with frankly ‘hot air and BS’ in the case of our DB. Yet our parents always lauded him as ‘so important’ in his job; actually he sounded and still does like a somewhat incompetent bully. As my Dc grew up I had never made any comments about what they might do and succeeded in getting into careers they really wanted all I heard from our parents about our DB kids was that it was the fault of the school/government etc that his kids couldn’t achieve their dreams. In truth their dreams were ridiculous and fuelled by DB. Actually all the kids had the same schooling, same colleges and lived in the same areas so that is rubbish. I often feel I can’t celebrate my DC hard graft and success as my DM just keeps saying ‘it’s so hard for young people’ as in my DB kids. I am definitely not worthy of any praise for anything I do or have done. Just endless criticism. Exhausting

You are not being over sensitive and I would withdraw all support, focus on yourself and your own family and leave him to it.

Visit your mother by all means but do not lift a finger whilst you're there. Tell him why and let him work the rest out for himself. Silly old man.

I feel your pain @Theyearwas1973 There's a lack of appreciation and understanding.

I'm live in for my elderly parent. I do everything and organise the things I don't do personally. Literally every single thing is done by me. I have been told that I don't do anything. I could be living independently, with an income and pension contributions and a social life and a pet. I know I chose this as I promised the parent that died that remaining parent would be looked after, but it still stings.

So next time the three month review comes up you tell him he goes on his own, that he upset you so much at the last ones with his unfair comments that you refuse to accompany him. To be honest you should have walked out when he said you did nothing, so he actually knew what nothing looks like.

Thank you, everyone. I’m obviously not going crazy, I’m genuinely doubting myself all the time these days.

Elderly parents also don’t like that your help makes them feel old/weak/stupid and so they seem to attack you for helping because it makes their own failings and bad decisions real and in their face.

They also seem to value care (and bloody house repairs) so little that they don’t want to pay out for outside help.

We’re also taken for granted because it starts with ‘it’s no trouble…’ because buying a few extra groceries wasn’t much trouble… and I’d have visited anyway… it’s just a lift here and there… making a couple of phone calls. But slowly, slowly, then lightning fast you’re running a second household and phoning all the services between trying to do what you can to get all the additional needs met. Yet somehow you’re the bad guy and in front of you they tell the services that they can manage fine and they don’t get any help.

Someone wise on MN recently said that it doesn’t just impact on you, but also on those around you. Your child who isn’t getting your time and attention, your partner, your colleagues. It is exhausting and you have to have boundaries - don’t feel guilty for what you can’t do - decide what you can do (if anything) and limit it to that and give priority to the people who do appreciate you.

Very little.
He saw his mum maybe once a week, even when she was struggling with bowel cancer. He is an only child so Nan had no other children to help her.

You have nothing but my utmost respect. I do hope you have some time for a life of your own though.

@unsync utter respect. Can totally see how it stings. Do you have anything to give you some joy in life just for you?

You are not being over sensitive OP. That was an awful, ungrateful comment. I hope you're ok

We’re also taken for granted because it starts with ‘it’s no trouble…’ because buying a few extra groceries wasn’t much trouble… and I’d have visited anyway… it’s just a lift here and there… making a couple of phone calls. But slowly, slowly, then lightning fast you’re running a second household and phoning all the services between trying to do what you can to get all the additional needs met. Yet somehow you’re the bad guy and in front of you they tell the services that they can manage fine and they don’t get any help

This is exactly what has happened. I started doing a few things in lockdown then as that progressed it was a little more, then a few extra things. Next thing you know I’m doing all their life admin, organising and sitting on all hospital and medical appointments, sitting with dad on his finance and bank appointments with him, forever on phone calls for them, washing their clothes, changing their bedsheets (stuff dad is still more than capable of doing but just doesn’t see it as his job to do so), washing mums hair, cutting her nails, taking her to the day centre, making her sandwich’s because dad doesn’t really want to pay the £6 for the cooked lunch they offer………..

And sadly, it is having a negative ripple into my own family’s life. I have heated discussions with dh about it because he thinks my dad is a self arsehole and I need to do less but I feel torn between the two of them and the stress has caused me so many physical issues that I no longer want to go out or socialise as I feel dreadful half the time and all my teens hear about is me moaning about their grandad (who also constantly moans about them saying they hardly go to see him anymore, is it any wonder?).

Thank you AppleCream

So many adults on here dealing with difficult elderly parents it’s crazy. I can only imagine how my parents would’ve reacted had I been so defiant, stubborn and downright uncooperative during my adolescence years . They in fact, DM especially regularly threatened to “never speak to you again” for incredibly minor misdemeanours such as “being a teenager”. So scared of that threat or manipulation I always gave in so never got the chance to develop my own identity. She is still manipulating and it is all scare tactics so we get in the car and dash over to yet another none problem. I think at times she is just defiant and wants to see us utterly broken.

You are not being over sensitive. Maybe one way to overcome the guilt would be to consider whether your father would have done do much for his own parents. I am guessing not.

I read the phrase” invisible mending” which resonated with me- all the stuff we do without making a song and dance and goes unnoticed or unacknowledged because the elderlies cannot face their own decline- and who can blame them in a way?
please please protect yourself and your family.

Lovetotravel123
Both my parents are only children and whilst my poor mum ran herself ragged looking after my grandad for the 10 years after my Nan passed away (yes, I’m repeating history!), my dad only popped in on his mum probably once a week, even when she was struggling with her bowel cancer journey.

Thing is, I’m not really doing any of this for my dad as I see what a selfish man he is but for my mum. My mum was/is lovely, she was a lovely mum and was a great daughter to her selfish father. I don’t want to give up on her in her hour of need, that’s where my emotions are so conflicted all the time. If it were the other way around and dad had the dementia mum would have been so very grateful for anything we helped her with. Even now she tells me what wonderful daughters she has and thanks me all the time. It breaks my heart.

You can only be taken for granted if you allow yourself to be. I'd suggest you tell him how hurtful his comment was, and that if your help isn't significant, you won't be round for a month and you'll see him then.

Thing is, I’m not really doing any of this for my dad as I see what a selfish man he is but for my mum. My mum was/is lovely, she was a lovely mum and was a great daughter to her selfish father. I don’t want to give up on her in her hour of need, that’s where my emotions are so conflicted all the time. If it were the other way around and dad had the dementia mum would have been so very grateful for anything we helped her with. Even now she tells me what wonderful daughters she has and thanks me all the time. It breaks my heart.

for your own piece of mind, i think you need to carry on for your mum. But you need to be very clear to your dad that you are doing zip for him. and just carry on.

I haven't read all the responses, so sorry if I'm repeating this but 100% the carers know how much you do for them. She was probably feeling uncomfortable for you having to put up with an ungrateful parent. It's obvious when a child has a lot of involvement, and I'd say more than the fair share of elderly men are grumpy.

You're doing an awesome job, you sound amazing. Make sure to stand firm for yourself but don't expect things to change.

I hope you and your sister get on well as having that support from someone who understands can be a huge help.

She did look uncomfortable tbh. I hope they know. At the end of the day I’m there for every meeting, drop mum off and greet them every week and am the first port of call if they ever ring us.

My sister is on my side a bit more since I handed over some responsibilities to her but she and dad are very alike.

One thing I learned via caring is that when parents get to certain age, you can’t change them.
If there is one who is being difficult and ungrateful, when you long for a bit of gratitude and recognition, you will be waiting forever. I was pretty lucky but I’ve seen so many friends looking after a parent who is rude to them and takes them for granted.
Any professional who comes into contact with your family will meet people like your dad every day. They will also meet carers like you who are given no thanks.
Keep being there for your mum as much as you can.
It can be a marathon and not a sprint.
I am not sure how things are working but it would be a good idea at some point for you and your sister to have POA and some ability to provide care, cleaning etc from that pot of money that your parents have.
Make sure you have regular time out.

When you stop caring about his opinion, you become better equipped to manage it.

At the moment he gets a bit of a boost at your expense. When you just smile, look at the carer/support worker/GP and say ‘Ah, Dad! You hate being dependent on us, don’t you!’

oh dad, Mrs Williams knows how often she speaks to me.

It’s ok, Dad. You don’t need to say thank you. I do it because Mum would want me to.

etc etc.

At the moment you are stuck in painful, ‘keep the peace, surely he cares’ mode. Let it go. You’ll feel better.

Thank you. As you say, I’m hardly likely to change my dad now so I need to look at ways of dealing with this without it completely ruining my life as it is.

We do have full POA but it is a constant battle with my dad.