Am I being overly sensitive about this comment?

[Theyearwas1973]

I think maybe that I am but tbh I’m so exhausted from everything in my life that I’m questioning myself.

Quick background.

My parents are elderly (early 80’s). My sister and I both live very close to our parents (we are all in the same village). Dsis lives with her partner and I live with my dh and dc.

Mum has been unwell during the last 6 years. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2018. She has heart disease, is bent over with osteoporosis and this year was diagnosed with breast cancer. Mum lives with dad. Mum’s dementia is obviously getting worse but she can drink and feed herself, is mobile, toilets herself and still recognises us etc but is obviously getting worse and will never get better. They have a carer for an hour every morning to help mum shower and dress.

My sister and I help out as much as we can. I help more as I work part time and my dsis works more hours.
I pop in on my parents around 5 days a week and will help them with as much as I can with their day to day living. Tbh, I have done too much over the years but handed some of it over to my sister a few months ago as it was getting too much and I had a small breakdown over the workload and my own health issues which I’m struggling with atm.

My father is not always an easy man, he puts a lot of stumbling blocks in the way and can make our lives quite tricky and says no to a lot of suggestions for things which could make his and our lives easier but I do what I can because of my mum, she was a great mother.
But it is bloody hard work juggling my own life and theirs. Not made any easier by the fact dad has hundreds of thousands in the bank but refuses to pay out for many things, he seems to be from an era where he believes family should help out. As I say, I do all I can for them. My sister goes round about twice a week. One of these days she cleans (sometimes it’s once a week, sometimes once a fortnight). I refuse to clean a) because I despise cleaning and b)I’m not cleaning my parents house when they have £400k sitting in the bank, dad can easily afford a weekly cleaner but refuses.

To give dad a break and stimulation for my mum she goes to a day centre twice a week for afternoon sessions (12-3pm). I make her a packed lunch for these two days (which I pay for myself as dad has never offered to reimburse me). Currently, one of these days my dad takes and collects mum as I’m having counselling atm but when that’s finished in a few weeks I have offered to take her. The other day I usually take or collect her or do both so to give dad a few hours to himself.

So on to the issue which has upset me. This week we had mum’s usual 3 month review with the day centre. I always attend with dad as he likes the support. My sister is never offered to come and that’s her prerogative.

So we were chatting away and the day center carer said to dad that it must be nice for him to have a few hours to himself every week to do his own thing. He replied ‘Well, yes and no. By the time I’ve dropped her off it’s basically time to come back’. He never mentioned that at least one of these days per week I do the dropping off/picking up but I didn’t say anything.
She then said how difficult it must be for him to do everything himself. I gently added, ‘Well, we (dsis and I) do help as much as we can for you, don’t we dad?’. He replied ‘Yes, I have two daughters, one cleans for me and the other (looked at me smirking)….doesn’t!’. (My sister has always been his favourite child and can never do wrong).
I kind of laughed and replied ‘No but I do lots of other things to help you though don’t I?’ He then looked at me and said ‘Pfff, you? Help? What do you do? A few sandwich’s??’.

The lady looked uncomfortable at that remark and I felt so upset. It looked as though I do sod all for them when the truth is that I do everything I can to help my parents as I know my dad struggles to accept my mum’s diagnosis and their future and I hate seeing them both struggle.

I couldn’t help myself, when we came out I turned him and said that comment really hurt me and made me look as though I do nothing to help you and that couldn’t be further from the truth. He replied that I was being too sensitive and it was ‘just a joke’. I said but it’s not a joke, it was personal and hurt. He wouldn’t accept that and said I was being silly. He has form for being sharp tongued and taking the piss out of people, he spent his whole career in a male dominated industry where everyone took the piss out off each other and that mentality has never left him, he still does this to people and he has zero idea how much he hurts people or pisses them off.

Maybe I am being super sensitive but dealing with elderly parents and dementia is bloody hard work and tbh I don’t see it as a joke not at all. And he never seems to appreciate what we do for him, especially anything I do.

@PocketSand that's awful, so sorry

@Theyearwas1973 be careful with the social services assessments and very clear with how much you and dsis can do. It's great they note that you visit regularly, but this can swiftly move onto 'has 2 daughters nearby who can cover all care needs'

You are doing so much but you are right, you can't pour from an empty cup and do need to make sure you have time to be a wife, a mum, a friend and most importantly, just you.

Hope the counselling goes well today. You definitely are not over sensitive, your Dad was very mean and selfish to say what he did and to not use some of their money to help your Mum more

If he thinks you do so little start doing absolutely nothing then he'll realise.

It's hard when one sibling gets the lions share. I was expected to drop everything to.care for my mother when she was terminal with cancer when I worked full time and don't own property. I live alone so what would happen if I lost my job due to caring for mum? How would I pay my rent?

My sister didn't work and owned a flat outright feom.the divorce settlement. And did nothing for our mother; she used an excuse of having a 10-year-old who lives with her dad half of the time to say she couldn't do any care because she's a single mum. So my sister doesn't work. Her child was with its father half the time. And was 10 years old and she did nothing and she did nothing but get at me for what she wasn't doing for her mother when she had the time.

Honestly, wash your hands of it. Your mother has a husband at home full-time he can deal with her.

You are doing an amazing job with an incredibly hard illness.

I'd just help my Mum. If your Dad doesn't see you as helping. He can ask your sister if he needs something.

I hope you can get more help. 💐

This might not help you, but I actually laughed reading your dad’s words. I think a bit of good humour helps in these situations!

I’s born in the 90s, lucky my mother and father both young in their 50s, I have a grandmother and my great grandparents passed away not long ago. And we never questioned how much money they have, we always cleaned and cooked and did everything for them. It’s an obligation by birth. Money doesn’t matter, and to be fair, you’re going to inherit it anyway, so may as well work for it.

Don’t take his remarks to heart and definitely have some fun with him and some laughs! He’s your dad after all! (Imagine what he endured during your and your sister’s puberty 🫣)

You are not being overly sensitive but I think that your father really doesn’t see all that (and your sister) do and doesn’t appreciate it.

He is used to having people run around after him doing everything and making his life run smoothly. It will have been your mother for many many years and now it is you. People like this (usually men) really don’t understand that washing doesn’t do itself (I’d bet he has said things like “you don’t do the washing, the washing machine does it” to you mother) or that shopping doesn’t just appear in the cupboards.

This underlying attitude will also be skewed in favour of your sister so that he will notice and appreciate some but not all of what she does.

He won’t change, he won’t thank you for doing it, he won’t even notice you doing it.

You could stop doing things but then they just won’t get done and you mother will suffer. You need to find some middle ground where you do some but not all and most importantly DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THAT.

I would gave you as my daughter any day!

Ignore him as best you can and carry on doing what you are doing.

You can't change your dad, he is who he is. You can only change how you react to him. Stop expecting or hoping he'll be appreciative or grateful for your support - he won't. Remind yourself that you're doing it for your mum, not him. Don't help him with his finances or life admin unless it directly effects your mum. Tell him that he can well afford to pay a cleaner and weekend carers and that you will not be stepping into those roles because you have a job, a family and a house of your own to clean. Don't allow his moaning to make you feel guilty. You are doing your best to look after your mum so be proud of yourself for that.

Hi, just another perspective here. Your children deserve to have the attention you are focusing on your father. You chose to have them and you shouldn't neglect them for him.

I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my dh and his father - a nasty selfish FIL who has trained his 2 children to focus on his needs over anyone else's. Its then me who has to focus the attention that our children should have and keep reminding dh that it's childhood training that keeps him feeling like his fathers needs should triumph everyone else's.

It's actually really selfish of you to keep this dynamic going because it's essentially because you feel guilty if you don't. But what about your children that you chose to have?

Yep he’s to used to people running round after him; was your mum, now you and your sister. He sounds very lazy and entitled. I distinctly remember your previous post and how dreadful he is. I would take a major step back from doing stuff e.g. not making the sandwich for your mum when she goes to the day centre, he either makes a sandwich or pays for the lunch. He can’t have it both ways, even though he wants that! He either sorts stuff himself or pays for it

Be less available and more boundaried. He obviously don’t like this and will escalate. So what. l can see why your DH is unhappy about the situation as your Dad is taking the piss and is majorly ungrateful

It's very difficult, OP. From my own experience, I think an elderly parent who's used to feeling strong and in charge gets personal reassurance from 'putting you in your place' and dismissing you rather than being grateful for help. It's horribly stressful being the safety net without any support or acknowledgement. Personally I'd be like a broken record in bringing up your parents' savings and how they can be used to improve your mum's quality of life. I wouldn't spare your dad in talking about it with other people either. But I wouldn't do less for your mother - the guilt later on would be unbearable.

Well today it’s all been taken out of my hands as I’ve tested positive for Covid!

Couldn't have come at a worse time because mum has started wetting the bed this week and is much more confused than usual, turns out she has a uti, hopefully the antibiotics will help.

So I have had to hand it all over to my sister, she’s working and is doing what she can but has had to kind of leave dad to it!

I’m feeling bad that he’s left to his own devices but he’s not contacted me to see how I am so there you go.

"but he’s not contacted me to see how I am so there you go." - and he'll claim 'I've been left to deal with your mother ON MY OWN; I have no time to make phone calls to you to see how you are!!' Whereas shoe on other foot, you are expected to be at his beck and call no matter what's going on in your life.

I agree with other PP's who say just stick to doing stuff for your lovely Mum.

Every time he moans about his Saturdays/Sundays being ruined by having to help wash your Mum, remind him 'But Dad, you have enough money to be able to afford the carer to come in Sat/Sun too?' If he says he's not doing that, your reply, every time, has to be 'then stop moaning about it'.

And I hope you feel better soon!

@Theyearwas1973 I hope you don't feel too poorly, it can be a nasty lingering strain. Don't rush back as soon as you are testing negative, if you push yourself too much before you're ready it makes you worse in the long run.

I am sorry about your DM but the current situation seems unsustainable so there was always going to be an emergency that forced the issues out into the open.

I have heated discussions with dh about it because he thinks my dad is a self arsehole and I need to do less but I feel torn between the two of them and the stress has caused me so many physical issues that I no longer want to go out or socialise as I feel dreadful half the time

This really struck me. Your husband is entitled to his opinion on your dad (and he's right, by the way) but his job is to support you, not to cause you even more stress.

Hope you feel better soon 💐