Dreading speaking to parents

[ScandiNoirNuit]

This is going to sound really selfish, but I dread speaking to my parents. They are so negative and everything is always doom and gloom. It is understandable to some extent in that my dad has dementia (not too bad currently but obv declining) but is also pretty immobile but it seems like there is no joy in anything. Every time I call my mum is in tears and just seems really depressed, but won’t go to the doctor to consider antidepressants. My dad is on them, with a whole cocktail of other things.

I think what I find most frustrating is that they won’t do anything to make themselves feel better. They are well off but v frugal, unnecessarily so. They recently started getting attendance allowance but refuse to spend it, just putting it in bank. Isa’s maxed already. I have tried suggesting they use for taxis, photo, cleaner or whatever to help but they refuse despite having ample means. Mum pretty much refuses to drive despite being able and having car, so that really limits things. They could get taxis places but wouldn’t countenance it despite her saying she would love to get out. I don’t know what to suggest, everything has been rejected, it seems like all she wants to do is moan about how terrible life is, which I understand but there are definitely things that could be done to make it easier or more enjoyable.

does anyone else have this?

It may be that your father’s dementia makes it difficult for your mother to countenance trips out, cleaners etc? Sometimes these things are more hassle - bit like when we have young children and getting ready for school is an absolute palava. This is also because some people with dementia do not like change or new people. It’s an anxiety thing. It sounds like your mum just needs a break from your dad, but knows he won’t let her out of his sight.

Respite care for your dad? Any day care centres? He likely won’t want to go, but your mum has needs too.

I suspect I'm the same generation as your parents. When I was born, there was still rationing. My parents were not well off and they both had a deep seated scarcity mindset which they passed on to me. I have a hard time shifting this even though I know intellectually that it's ridiculous. I suspect some would call me unnecessarily frugal too, but it comes from having it drummed into me that Terrible Things would happen if I didn't hang on to every penny for some unspecified future needs.

You might get somewhere with the argument that they were well set up before they started getting attendance allowance so logically they can afford to spend it without putting their long term safety at risk. Perhaps your mum could be persuaded to spend half of it on something to make life easier for the next six weeks, and then to think about whether it was worth it. That still gives her control and is a lot less scary that opening yourself up to random spending.

With my own DPs mild dementia, declining eyesight and mobility (affecting the ability to drive) and continence issues made them wary of going out at all, adding to their increasing isolation and depression.

I had POA for them both so staged an intervention of sorts as I couldn't stand the negativity any longer. We tackled the continence by buying pads (that was a row and a half as they were both in total denial!), I organised a cleaner, and they gave up the car so I organised an account with a taxi firm so they could go to a weekly lunch, shopping etc to get them out of the house. DM also had an afternoon at the local social day centre to give DF a break and he could go for a break to chat to his old pals at the bowls club. It was a bit tough love but with working ft and my own family demands I couldn't continue without us all cracking up

My parents are the somewhat the same won't spend money are not open to doing things need help with the garden won't have anyone in see won't spend money. I suspect cognitive issues but they won't go to the gp as they say they are on enough pills and on It goes, it must be exhausting for them because I know I'm exhausted with them, I've no advice or words of wisdom only empathy.

That sounds incredibly frustrating. You may just need to shut down the moaning by calmly and firmly saying, Mum, there are a lot of things you could afford to do to make your life easier and more enjoyable. When you decide that you want to do so, I am very happy to help. But I don't want to hear you complaining, so let's change the subject. Remind her that she is making her own decisions not to pay for a taxi/respite care etc.

This.

I had all this with my parents. It was just constant doom, and total refusal to do anything to alleviate the things they moaned about, or accept help. You just have to leave them to it and limit calls/contact accordingly or it will drag you down

Totally agree, I'm in exactly the same boat with my DF, it's exhausting, annoying and incredibly frustrating 😞

I'm in a similar boat OP, not with my DM but with her sister who I have power of attorney for, and as her closest living relative. She has the finances to fast track the medical care she needs, she could get a taxi to go out, she could get a blue badge... unfortunately she doesn't.

I do in all honesty get quite frustrated with her as she doesn't do any of the things that would help her.

When I ring her, I try to do something nice afterwards or put a hand cream on while I'm calling so it feels a bit better. When I go to see her sometimes I get a treat on the way home as it is so draining. I have to remind myself that she is elderly and once I've gone I know she will have had a lift by me visiting but it is incredibly draining.

Thank you for the empathetic responses, I was expecting to get shot down in all honesty.

@MontyDonsBlueScarf i think you have hit the nail on the head re their mindset.

I have done all the printing off of taxi nos and finding day centres but they don’t seem to have the inclination to want to go. There was even someone from the council or Age Concern who took them to a day centre that must only be 10 mins drive but they haven’t been back on their own. I work full time so can’t take them, but it really wouldn’t be difficult for them to either drive or get a taxi. They do still get the bus to places (free) despite having to hang around and my dad struggling with it physically. Infuriating they won’t spend some money to make that easier.

My mum was complaining that she Was getti by the bus to get my dad a paper on the weekend but won’t look into getting it delivered. Just a silly example of how they won’t spend a penny unnecessarily.

@TomWambsgansSwans i feel the same way in that I have to steal myself to call and try to line up something afterwatds to make myself feel better, it is inexplicably draining.

It's just frustrating isn't it? I just let them get on with it and try and block things out/let it wash over me, it's hard though. My mum would rather crawl .over glass to get the paper than pay for it to be delivered.

@ScandiNoirNuit one of the things that helps me be a bit more realistic is to allocate a pot of money for frivolities. You might find that it helps them to feel they're still safe and in control if they set aside a small amount for 'treats'. Once that's gone, that's it for the month. That way they still have the security and control that they need, but they get to have a bit of fun too.

PIL were the same. Handed over £800 a month of non means tested attendance allowance which they didn't need and didn't spend. Bonkers!
FIL passed and it came to light they have nearly £1 million in assets. And they didn't grow up poor either.
It could have been used to make their lives so much easier, but no, they'd rather fall downstairs and break femurs. MIL still struggling with a strip wash at the sink and moan moan moan.
I will never understand.

My parents are a bit like this, but have been persuaded to pay for a cleaner and just recently a gardener too. Although my mum always frets about tidying before the cleaner comes🤦‍♀️ With them, I think the going for the paper thing is about leaving the house and having some connection with the outside world. They do physically struggle with it though- it's a shortish walk, but neither of them find it easy. I just try to remind them of the positives - but I imagine that would be considerably more difficult if one of them had a dementia diagnosis. I feel for them, and you. Just remember to look after yourself.

My mum was like this, moaning about all sorts of things, I would offer to arrange things, or sort something out.... She rejected everything.
Eventually I got so pissed off with the moaning I asked her exactly what she wanted me to do about it. She looked a little shocked, and said "nothing". I told her I really wasn't interested in listening to her moaning about everything, if she wanted me to do something for her, I was more than happy to do it, but I didn't want to hear her moan for the sake of it. Eventually she accepted a cleaner, she organised a gardener and my sister arranged for help to come in to help her get washed and dressed.

My parents are exactly the same. Going on and on about all the negative things in life but doing absolutely nothing to change the way they are living. Hardly go out, wont visit relatives, wont get out for a daily walk or get out in the garden. Really hard to get them to accept any help. Every single recommendation to make life better ignored. It is so frustrating and draining and very sad too. So I completely get you. I've had to get into the mindset that you cannot control what others do, they are grown adults and make their own decisions and its down to them. But its still really hard to sit back and watch.

@Sunnnybunny72 i have no idea how much AA is, but seems mad that it isn’t means tested but that is a different topic… I know it is their money to do as they please but it really is frustrating when spending it could make things easier in small ways.

On top of everything else, she has just said she wants to buy a cordless lawn mower to cut the grass (does such a thing even exist?!). Over mind she is no doubt exhausted from looking after my dad, she wants to add this to the list of things to do! One of their v kindly neighbours has been doing it free but understandably not that frequent. She could just bloody pay for a gardener but would rather wear herself out aged nearly 80 doing it to save money that isn’t being used for anything else! The garden is one of their few remaining pleasures so it really does seem mean.

I do feel slightly relieved to hear there are others who share similar frustrations, IRL most parents I know seem much more level about using their resources in a measured way to help make their lives more practical /enjoyable.

@Infracat you are exactly right, frustrating, draining and sad sums it up.

I'm afraid it's very common and very hard to adjust that mindset. My Dad is now 94 and in a care home. I see him every week and it's so depressing. All he does is complain and moan and there is nothing that can be said to change him now. And to be fair his life is miserable - to be immobile and lacking in stimulation. The care home is good (I used to run a group of homes so know quality) but he is negative and paranoid and hard to divert. He's says he lacks intellectual company but if I try to talk to him about literature, history or politics he can't concentrate for more than 5 minutes without starting to complain about the staff, other residents and his life.

My parents were both wartime generation and so scrimp and save was deeply ingrained. We could never really shift it. They would prefer to get 3 buses than get a taxi despite being able to afford it. They would worry about taxis not turning up, about delays because of schools traffic and they couldn't use a mobile to call one for the return trip. It got easier to stay home. They ate very boringly and yet if I bought them more tasty food they politely declined - they ended up ordering Wiltshire farm foods meals which are so awful despite living next to a Waitrose full of lovely ready meals.

Telling them what they ought to do didn't work. Afterall who wants to be nagged? I don't respond well to it so why would my aged parents. So instead I had to show them how to enjoy life more. I'd go round and cook them a nicer meal. Or take them for a drive to old haunts. I'd show them an interesting programme on bbc iplayer or do the trip with them to a restaurant getting the mini cab with them and asking the restaurant to book one back - showing them what could be done not lecturing them what they ought to do. And for a while it worked until it all became too much for them.

And ultimately we have to be kind and gentle and respectful. Much as we want to encourage them to live a more interesting life and show them how, they have a right to be respected and have agency. Thats easy to say but often hard to do.

Sadly it doesn't get easier.

My MIL complains of being bored and lonely, but won’t go to the WI as it’s ‘full of old ladies’ - she’s over 80! She went once, a few years ago and said how lovely everyone was!

Won’t go to yoga despite constantly saying she wants to/will do next week/month when the weather is cooler/warmer/dryer/lighter/not summer….

i have given up suggesting things as she won’t go. I’ve taken her to coffee mornings etc and she enjoyed chatting, but won’t do anything unless she’s taken. She enjoys it, then will complain about a certain element which means she ‘can’t’ go back.

I just leave her to it now, since I used to take her places, but she made other plans without telling me a few times, when a family member took her out, so that’s me done now.

Oh the garden drives us up the wall won't get anybody to do it and we are all busy so it would be as and when but that isn't good enough they like it done a certain.way etc etc.
.anyway op.if your mum is looking for a cordless mower G tech do them although your mum might have an attack of the vapours when she sees the price of them!

I got one of these cordless lawnmowers for my mum: Small Cordless Lawn Mower SLM 50 | Cordless Lawnmower | Gtech Lightweight as well

If she doesn't need lightweight, another brand that does cordless is Greenworks

I have a sneaking suspicion that they are waiting for you to step in and take over. Take them out, help with the garden and everything else, and they probably just don't 'get' that things are different nowadays and you can't because you have a job. Most women of their generation were housewives. That generation is also renowned for refusing to pay for anything if they can manage without.

I also struggle with my mum moaning constantly.

Like a few on this thread I just shut it down now. I ask her to tell me something good that's happened, tell her I'm calling for a chat not to listen to moaning, let her have a five minute moan and then tell her I need some more positive discussion.

Might sound a bit mean, but I think it's tough love.

I might try this too.
My mum has recovered from cancer but currently is ill with a virus. I call her and pop round very regularly but my god l have to psyche myself up for it.
Not only do l have to listen to her moan about her ailments but also her friends' and neighbours' too. Does my head in.