Dreading speaking to parents

[ScandiNoirNuit]

This is going to sound really selfish, but I dread speaking to my parents. They are so negative and everything is always doom and gloom. It is understandable to some extent in that my dad has dementia (not too bad currently but obv declining) but is also pretty immobile but it seems like there is no joy in anything. Every time I call my mum is in tears and just seems really depressed, but won’t go to the doctor to consider antidepressants. My dad is on them, with a whole cocktail of other things.

I think what I find most frustrating is that they won’t do anything to make themselves feel better. They are well off but v frugal, unnecessarily so. They recently started getting attendance allowance but refuse to spend it, just putting it in bank. Isa’s maxed already. I have tried suggesting they use for taxis, photo, cleaner or whatever to help but they refuse despite having ample means. Mum pretty much refuses to drive despite being able and having car, so that really limits things. They could get taxis places but wouldn’t countenance it despite her saying she would love to get out. I don’t know what to suggest, everything has been rejected, it seems like all she wants to do is moan about how terrible life is, which I understand but there are definitely things that could be done to make it easier or more enjoyable.

does anyone else have this?

Actually not as expensive as I thought, they were pricey when they first came out I think.

My parents were like this. In the end I paid the delivery as part of a birthday present. I think I paid a years delivery but then they refused to continue it as it was so expensive and the paper boy no longer delivered at 7am!

I wonder if it's a keeping control of their lives thing?

We are in a better position with 90 yo MIL. She was really struggling and despite having the money didn’t want a cleaner or a gardener because she’d never had one and they cost money. £20/hour seems a lot to her and she’d prefer her children to help. All children are wonderfully supportive but all work full time and live a couple of hours away. She doesn’t understand that the cost of a visit is about £50 in petrol and when they are there they want to spend time with her. Anyway a concerted campaign by all 3 of them mean she’s now got both. She’s also got a chairlift - after neighbours said enough was enough. Her view was that Mary next door could help her up. Mary is 85!!

I used to feel the same as you OP but as I've got older I can understand why my grandparents behaved a bit like this. They too had plenty of money but they were wartime generation and very frugal and very independent.

They want to carry on as they always have (getting the bus to go to the shops, mowing the lawn) to prove they can still do these things. But it is of course now physically and psychologically harder so they moan. They don't want to hand over the responsibility to someonelse, because that is 'giving in'. As my grandfather put it, "every year you can do less and less" (he lived to 98).

Imagine how that feels when you have always been independent and able to do things for yourself, and now basic things are either a struggle, or you can't do it. And on top of that, your husband has dementia.

They are looking down the barrel of increasing mobility and memory problems. I know it's hard and frustrating listening to it, but it's harder for them living it, and in a way the things 'to make it easier' are beside the point. As Mrsjayy says, let it wash over you unless they will accept specific help.

I also think when they get older than their friends (who start to pass away) that there's an increased fear and an element of how long they think their money will have to last to keep them going so they'd better not spend it! DAunt is 95 and can hear the rustle of a £5 note at 50 paces but god forbid she'd spend it if she could bend over to pick it up!

Many elderly parents cling onto independence but on some level believe their children to be extensions of themselves. So if they pay for a service like gardening or cleaning, they're admitting that they're no longer capable. But if their poor daughters children do it, then somehow it doesn't count, they're still managing just fine.

You hear it over and over again - 'she doesn't want anyone but me to help her', 'they tell their friends they're living completely independently' etc. It's a weird sort of narcissism, that hard work done by their children is invisible.

They'd be horrified if they absorbed quite how much stress and work they were creating - can you frame it in such a way as to make them think they're doing you a favour?

She's waiting for you to do it! Mine does a lot of this moaning and some
of it is that she can't ask us to do it (upbringing - see the "favours" thread!) but the moaning is a passive aggressive way of trying to guilt trip you into doing it. Maybe deliberate maybe that's how she was brought up. And lack of understanding of working life.

From her POV it's far more preferable to have you do it because you can have a nice trip out together in the car, go to the coffee morning or whatever, then have a nice lunch out, pop somewhere else on the way, chatting all the way. That's what her generation did with their elderly relatives. If she gets a lift or takes a taxi it's not like that.

Same with the garden, she wants it done a certain way but won't feel able to ask a neighbour of gardener that. If you do it, she's got you there for ages.

Value of money too - mine simply can't get her head around how much minimum wage now is and that cleaners, gardeners etc rightly all charge more than that. It's very common to see older people on our local neighbourhood forum looking for a cleaner or gardener who won't 'over charge' or 'cost the earth' only to discover they expected to pay them £15 for a morning's work!

To be honest moaning is a habit and it is not the preserve of any age demographic although obviously if you have a lot of negative health issues going on it can give more fuel. We have a family member in her 40s doing the same and equally unwilling to take responsibility in her life.

You play a part in the moaning by listening to it. Stop playing your part. Decide on your boundary i.e how much you are willing to listen to, psyche yourself up for how much of it you can manage, take time to recover after interactions then repeat. I have become very intolerant of listening to constant moaning but I’m still more than willing to provide an empathetic hearing for people’s problems. They are different things.

We’re on the edge of being “elderly parents” - DH born during WWII, me during post war rationing. I cling on to my money for two reasons 1) because I want my GC to be able to access education and medicine in the face of increasing university fees, declining NHS 2) because I’m conscious it’s all I’ve got, and I might need it later. If I need a knee replacement and the waiting list is 18months, I can’t look for a better paid job, do a few hours overtime, work in a pub in the evenings. Don’t underestimate how scary it is.

I’m conscious of my declining strength but motivation is hard - needing to go out for a newspaper gives the motivation to get out for a walk, and with the added benefit of a small degree of social contact.

The newspaper delivery thing. Partly it's going out to get it everyday is something to do and social interaction.

I managed to convince mine to get a delivery by taking the "favour" approach and would be helping a local teenager in their first job/providing employment! Of course, then it turned out the person delivering wasn't a teenager!

I am going round there tomorrow, after work. Know I am going to get given a bunch of things to sort out on iPad, which is manageable, and then probably a load of tears which I never know how to deal with.

Set a strict time limit for your visit and it won’t feel so bad.

I also used to play “miserable bingo” in my head, and inwardly mark off each time I heard the depressing/irritating comments: takes the sting out as you fill your internal bingo card!

When the tears start, that's when you say that you hate to see them (or is it just one who cries?) feeling so sad, BUT you can suggest some practical things that will help, and that you are happy to assist. If they can't bear to change anything, or buy in any help, that is really their responsibility.
My mum has leant very heavily on me for many years, it was very helpful when my DH reminded me that I could help to keep her safe and cared for, but I was not responsible for making her happy. There is a limit to what an adult child can do if a parent won't accept making small changes to make life easier.

My mil is exactly like this. Cries daily on the phone and they basically live a frugal, bland existence despite sitting on a fortune. I realise now that we can’t help. They are locked in a mindset and refuse to budge. I often think some people are in their comfy zone being miserable, as my mil sabotages any happiness within minutes - example of this - she booked a GP appt on the same day as our child’s christening, then said she couldn’t move it - despite it being two weeks away and for a routine issue. She then cried for the whole week after saying she missed out on a special event.

I can't work out the christening scenario you either had a midweek christening or your husbands mum had a Saturday Dr's appointment?

I can guarantee most of these moaning , mean as shit people read the express, mail or Telegraph too! These papers are full of hate on people not like themselves and I guarantee are enough to bring anyone down!! I feel very sorry for anyone with chronic illness/dementia and who genuinely has limited options- but there are so many who are actually self limiting- purely by being mean - they probably think they are doing their family a favour by leaving more cash- but they really aren't- most of us would rather they had somewhat less cash/assets - but an easier and more fulfilling later years that we could share in with them

After she sold her car at just over 80, my DM could have taken stacks of taxis with the money she was saving on petrol, road tax, servicing, MOTs and insuarance - not to mention the sale price of the car.

But would she? Never! Not even once. She wasn’t at all hard up, but certainly had been in the past, and in her head taxis were still A Great Extravagance.
It was so frustrating!

Been there 🙄

couple of tips for your persuasion toolbox:

how much does a car cost to run per year? If you add it up plus depreciation and then divide that by average taxi cost (£15-25?) you’ll get the number of taxi rides they could take if they got rid of the car.

also: be brutally honest: they’ve been saving for a rainy day - time to look out the window and see that that day is today! Might be useful if (you are able) to say, look DPs, I’m fine, don’t worry about what you have left when you go- enjoy yourself now…

finding a regular group to go to nudges them into doing stuff.

but ultimately they may see it as more faff than it’s worth - which is actually fair enough sometimes, though your mum probably needs to get out for respite; so someone to keep your DF company might be a first step.

Thank you for the ongoing comments on here, it is really helpful to know I’m not alone in this.

I went round today, carefully timed to do some stuff and then make an exit. More doom and gloom, think they are driving each other mad but not great to be caught in the middle of them complaining about each other the moment the other one is out of the room - or not, and having full row over who is worse.

They seem to have got some other allowance and also been approved for reduced council tax so are delighted about that, despite not planning to actually spend it on anything to enhance quality of life.

Mum actually had a call from doctors whilst I was there, they have offered her talking therapy for depression after she broke down there whilst having a check up for something else. I’m not hopeful as she had it before but she cancelled as they moved it somewhere she refused to drive to, but maybe this will help.

My dd used to call my parents the Twits because of the constant sniping 😂

DM has bow been referred for memory clinic by the doctor. God help us where this is going.

I think I am going to suggest she looks at getting a carer in once a week at first just to try and seed the idea for future needs. I’m not sure exactly what they could do, maybe get my dad in the shower and wash hair or something although I’m not sure my dad would go for that, might need to work up to that.

what have you used carers for when they haven’t been completely incapable? I know my mum will say you doesn’t need it and can manage but then will just complain about having to do ‘everything’.

Yes OP - I get you. Things have moved on abit here but I know how you feel. My grandmother (me and my sister are next of kin) only talks about medication and her aches and pains. She is sitting on thousands in the bank by has always been VERY reluctant to spend anything to make her life easier. She saved all her life to leave us the money which is wonderful of her BUT I'd rather she had spent some of it on carers, a cleaner, home aids.
She has no choice now - she is having to spend some of it on care and support but all those years that have gone before could have been easier and more pleasant for her 😔

Can someone have a really nice son/daughter who is setting up their own gardening business and looking for work - maybe DM could give them something regular to get them started?

Hopefully she can get a diagnosis @ScandiNoirNuit which might press the issue enough for them to accept some help

DM stopped driving earlier this year - she knew the doc would not have signed to extend her license

She was referred to memory loss clinic. She had to go for a CT scan and an ECG first, then had 2 appointments 6 weeks apart. I think that's the standard process.

She was diagnosed with Alzheimer's last week

Am just reading through lots of these threads to prepare for what to expect

She has a DP who is younger and very capable physically but finding her mentally very difficult now
She's very negative & pessimistic and that is exhausting

The taxi thing - oh my days yes. She has a friend she likes to visit once a month but will absolutely refuse to take a taxi (even though the savings from not have car insurance, tax, MOT, service etc. would cover it many times over) as she has a free bus pass

Same with shopping. She used to go at 6am on a Saturday and is furious that her DP will not get up at 5.30 to take her. How dare he suggest a Thursday at 11...?

Am grateful for these threads to share the burdens