Dreading speaking to parents

[ScandiNoirNuit]

This is going to sound really selfish, but I dread speaking to my parents. They are so negative and everything is always doom and gloom. It is understandable to some extent in that my dad has dementia (not too bad currently but obv declining) but is also pretty immobile but it seems like there is no joy in anything. Every time I call my mum is in tears and just seems really depressed, but won’t go to the doctor to consider antidepressants. My dad is on them, with a whole cocktail of other things.

I think what I find most frustrating is that they won’t do anything to make themselves feel better. They are well off but v frugal, unnecessarily so. They recently started getting attendance allowance but refuse to spend it, just putting it in bank. Isa’s maxed already. I have tried suggesting they use for taxis, photo, cleaner or whatever to help but they refuse despite having ample means. Mum pretty much refuses to drive despite being able and having car, so that really limits things. They could get taxis places but wouldn’t countenance it despite her saying she would love to get out. I don’t know what to suggest, everything has been rejected, it seems like all she wants to do is moan about how terrible life is, which I understand but there are definitely things that could be done to make it easier or more enjoyable.

does anyone else have this?

If your father has been diagnosed with dementia, you can apply for council tax to take this into account and get 25% discount ( if it was just him in the house it would be 100%)

id stop yourself from suggesting solutions to your mothers moans. Listen and stop yourself even think about solutions. Say yes and oh gosh in the correct places. By listen and not allowing yourself to think about fixing there problems, it may well calm the situation for you. Acceptance that it is what it is

Some people just enjoy the misery.

Posters might want to read the OP's update. Her father has dementia and her mother is now looking at a similar diagnosis. This explains the negativity and unwillingness to do anything.

OP, you ask how you can use carers to help them when your parents are still fairly able. Firstly I would question that they are fairly able. They say they don't want to do things, but a lot of that will actually be a case of them no longer being able to do it. You will need to do a lot of reading between the lines.

Also, don't suggest that your mother 'looks into' getting help. She will not be able to do this. You need to do it on her behalf.

When I first got a carer in for my mother, it was for routine things like making a meal and doing any household chores my mother couldn't do. The carer also took my mother to the shops, and to any appointments, medical or otherwise. You need to phrase it in terms they will accept - e.g. 'when you go shopping carer can carry the heavy bags'. She would also help my mother with things like getting into the bath, basically anything needed. This was called companion care. I used Home Instead so you could see if they are in your area.

It may be better to have a carer in every day (or every other day) for an hour or two, to get them into a routine. If it's once a week they are likely to grumble every single time as it will always seem like 'the first time'.

Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney for your parents? You need to get onto this urgently if not. Your parents would need to be deemed to have capacity to authorise it. A diagnosis of dementia does not necessarily mean they would not have that capacity, they just need to understand and agree.

Mother is 90 had plenty of money in the bank but eats cheap food and would rather sit with a blanket round her than put in the heating . I keep telling her to think of her own comfort first and not worry about the grandchildren having nest eggs left to them that they will probably blow on cars and holidays . She worked for it so should spend it .

I’m sure impending dementia has a lot to do with it but it sounds as though a history of depression plays a powerful part too. My DM is a lot like this and I see a direct line to her upbringing during the war (she’s 88) and her parents’ attitudes. There’s a huge gap between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset and there’s a lot of fear there too.

Strangely my DF who is even older (96) still enjoys small pleasures (listens to opera, keeps up with the news, delighted with election results, likes his coffee and biscuits). I think he got his outlook from my Nan who was always up for a bit of fun. Sadly my DM’s often the one to piss on his chips… 🙄

I agree My parents were brought up during WW2 and were very make do and mend , food had to be eaten and we had to ask for permission to take something from the cupboard. Clothes were passed down and mended. Things in the house were only replaced when they wore out . I just think my mother should put her own comfort ahead of grandchildren's nest eggs . They will be too young to remember her anyway .

@Twelvetimes these are really practical suggestions, thank you. I am wary of trying to get too far into looking at a carer until they agree as I think they will be VERY resistant to it, mainly on cost grounds but also for pride, which is more understandable. But this is helpful to understand what might be possible.

@MikeRafone they now have the council tax discount, plus the attendance allowance, plus some other grant for my mum but haven’t spent a penny of it as far as I know.

My aunt summed it up as money being their ‘overriding addiction’, which sounds quite harsh but is actually true when they are sitting there in the cold in winter. Last winter, my mum was taking 2 buses to see my dad in hospital - one day I went round there and the thermostat said 12 degrees! Honestly, I don’t believe this is down to dementia, they have always been stingy as hell. I don’t think it is down to wanting to leave a nest egg to their family (and neither should it be), they just seem to be motivated to amass their savings.

@ScandiNoirNuit you are right, they will be resistant. But it will increasingly become a case of providing what they need, not what they want. I am sorry to say that it is extremely likely things are going to deteriorate significantly, so you need to be prepared for that.

If you don't have LPA, please look into that urgently, it takes months to get it registered. In time to come without LPA there will effectively be no one in charge of their finances which will be disastrous - they will have masses of cash but no way of releasing it for the care they need. You would then need to apply for a Deputyship which is far far more onerous than using an LPA.

I do have LPA for them both for finance, and for my dad for health. The health one for my mum got rejected due to an annoying mistake on the title of a witness (miss vs ms), I should do it again esp in light of recent developments.

That's great. The finance one is the essential one. I don't have H&W for my mother and it has never been an issue, but would be good to have if you can.

We just had the mrs/miss mistske on my mums and I called and they rectified it free. Because its a title and people can call themselves whatever title they like even if married.

This is why AA should be means tested.

I wouldn't receive it if it was means tested but then why should I.

This is part of the care the NHS used to provide, don't think it should be means tested any more than the NHS should be mens tested

Amassing savings gives a solid visible number to measure their life work?

This is a really good thread. I am really struggling with many of the same issues.

I agree with @EmotionalBlackmail about trying the tactic of framing it as doing someone else a favour; my late uncle loved his garden, but it was getting too much for him, although he would never admit it. Funding was not an issue, but he was another from the wartime generation.
He was persuaded to enlist the efforts of a local handyman who was down on his luck, and we put it to him that he was giving him a wage so that he would not "feel like a charity case". Dignity preserved, he came to enjoy his company as well as appreciating his work in the garden.

I did a search and this thread came up. H and W is important. An inlaw of mine did not have it for a widowed parent. When it was determined that parent had dementia the state took over. His loving family member was not able to decide which care home that he would live in. He ended up a couple of hours drive away.

I think it is a sneaky Govt way of not providing more care. Cheaper to just hand out AA and not giving more support to families in need.

All I can say is that did not happen to me. My mother was self funded, so I chose the care home. The state was not involved in the process.

But maybe the case you are referring to was council funded. If the council is funding it, they source the placement and a relative having H&W LPA makes no difference because they aren't paying.

If you already have LPA for your dad, then you can already make decisions on his behalf - decisions that would benefit your mum too.

You could just keep trying to persuade them to agree to start with buying in a couple of hours of care or cleaning but better would be a proper needs assessment. There might be stuff your dad needs help with that you're not aware of.

Would they be persuaded to at least talk to a professional eg local dementia uk or age uk person or a nice care company manager or someone from carers uk? There will be someone in your area who is good at this. As they sometimes just don't want advice from their well meaning daughter. Or a memory cafe type thing

Joining please. I feel the same about my parents. We are 3 hours away. I reluctantly call once a week but they have nothing to talk about as their lives are so boring. Despite huge pension income and loads of cash they will not spend money on anything that isn’t physical - a lawnmower is fine but they won’t buy a coffee out or go for a meal where they can’t use a voucher. They will spend hours waiting for a free bus as dad won’t pay for parking. They have five cars and only drive one, they have a huge and decrepitating house in Surrey worth hundreds and thousands but won’t move or spend any money on to make it more suitable for them.

Everything they say drips of judgement about how I am living my life, what we spend money on, what my boy is doing etc. etc. And don’t get me started on the casual racism and snobbiness.

It’s slightly come to a head recently when I was acutely ill and in hospital for two weeks. That was nearly three months ago and they have made no effort to visit. Parents of friends have visited FFS. Neither have they made any enquiries about how we are coping financially without my income or offered to help out. A conversation is coming but it is not something that can be done on the phone. Not looking forward to it.

@Bohemond23 well off people are often well off for a reason- in your parents case it's because they are mean as shit , both in cash and spirit -it will bite them on the arse one day - my father in law at 85 is the opposite and consequently I always want to help him out - it's not the cash - it's the generosity of spirit

My late DM had many faults. But I will always be grateful for her pragmatic approach to transport. Her driving ability was getting worse, and one day after a near-miss with a cyclist, she sat down and calculated how much it cost to run a car each year (including depreciation), and then translated it into taxi fares. Goggled at the number, sold the car immediately, and enjoyed door to door trips into town thereafter.

Yup Telegraph for mine!

Agree. Generosity of spirit.

Maybe it’s some kind of secret power - or oneupmanship at least in my relative’s case. In the case of narcissism there’s a lot of watching and withholding from others, even occasionally for themselves. I think hoarding tendencies come into play too.

But the mean spiritedness does backfire in a way. I never do anything back out of ‘generosity’ either. I do the minimum. I don’t enjoy buying presents or anything giving like that as everything is being measured and controlled.