Really really don't want to care for parent

[ReallyBadEyeDeer]

Will probably get shot for that.

But I just really don't. For many reasons.

• history of very difficult traumatic relationship
• they have mental and physical issues that do not make them easy to care for
• I am just not a caring person at all
• I have a very busy job and other hobbies and children commitments

Everything on line says "oh yes this will be very very difficult so don't let yourself burn out" but basically assumes you will still do it. Or that you'll personally fund a carer for them if you can't. And I know many many women do manage to do it.

I have no funds to pay for a carer. Parent certainly does have funds but doesn't want to pay for anyone else to care for them but is incapable of looking after themself.

I just cannot face it.

Say "no" to whoever is asking you to do it if it's not your parent. If it is your parent be crystal clear it's never happening.

My mum tried to get me to be a carer for my Dad a couple of times but I stuck to my guns and said no, for similar reasons to you've given (quite how I was going to manage this with two small children was beyond me).

I think most people don't want to and don't care for an elderly parent, especially if we're including men. Lots of parents don't need care, others will organise it for themselves, some die young. It's a small minority who are doing the hands-on stuff.

I'm not doing the hands-on stuff. I still end up doing a whole ton of stuff though - worrying, organising, accompanying, shopping etc. It can be hours and hours or even days every week and it's very unpredictable. And I really resent it and feel I didn't sign up for it. I keep thinking, what do those without children do. They manage or they die younger or the state steps in. I have many talents but, like you, I don't feel caring is one of them.

Someone on this board gave a brilliant quote from Phillipa Perry - if you have to choose between living with guilt or living with resentment, go for guilt every time. Honestly if they have funds to pay for care, you can be clear about what you're prepared to do (and nothing is fine) and perhaps offer to help them hire carers, but no more.

Tough one. Very. Was this situation a surprise ie did they see it coming and ignore it?

Don't do it. Your children are your responsibility, your parents are not. As you say in your post you don't have the time and don't want to. This is reason enough.

They either voluntarily pay for help or it will be forced onto them. My mum.was starting to not cope with garden but refused to pay for help. She would ha e been happy for me to drive three hours round trip and ozy petrol.to do it. She had the money plus some to fund it.

Your parent needs to take some ownership and if they won't/ can't they will eventually loose that choice

Brilliant point. It doesn't seem to get anywhere near the same peer pressure for men. If I was a man saying this to social services etc you can bet I wouldn't be getting guilt tripped so much.

Yes absolutely. They've been ridiculous about talking about it for years, making stupid unhelpful comments like oh I'll just shoot myself when the time comes. Now the time has come and it is chaos and I am the evil daughter for not wanting to give up my life.

My mother is coming to live here later this year. I love her, this is the best way to make her happy and whilst I accept that it will be difficult, I consider it will be a privilege to be able to look after her at the end of her life.

When my parents first needed care, I had a very very sick child - one that couldn't go to school and needed huge amounts of supervision due to a disorder that has high very high fatality rates. Saying I needed to look after her was the only way to shut people up who were guilting me. I realised that the only acceptable reason for a woman not to care for her parents is because she's too buy caring for a sick child.

My brothers find using a work crisis has the same effect.

That's great for you @cuckyplunt but not everyone feels that it's a privilege. If it were such a privilege I feel that I'd see more wealthy white educated males taking it on since they seem keen on other positions of privilege.

excuse my language, but f*ck that. I live overseas from my parents and whenever I visit, I am presented with massive guilt trips from them and their friends who tell me I need to uproot my life and move back ‘home’ to care for them. Their home is not my home, I haven’t lived there in 30 years. And they are wealthy. Very wealthy. And my brothers both live nearby. but as the Daughter I’m supposed to move back to the US to be with them? No. I had my children later in life and they are not fully grown. There is no way in hell I would ever move back to care for them. They were both emotionally and mentally abusive towards me most of my life and I feel absolutely no guilt or shame around my decision. They have the money to hire carers and if they don’t want to do that then it’s their problem. I would set a firm boundary. Tell them you will help them to find care but you are absolutely not going to care for them.

OP, I think you've noticed that I find framing it as a feminist argument really helps me! This is a freaking brilliant article:
https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/health/2017/05/good-daughter

That's nice. But this thread is from a lady who DOESN'T want to be her mother's carer. This is the elderly parents topic.

@cuckyplunt not helpful.

@ReallyBadEyeDeer what is your parents situation? are they capable of staying at home, with carers?

That's nice dear

I suppose if I had had the space, if they'd been kinder and more reasonable, I might have considered some sort of shared living arrangement. But they left it and left it, until it became utterly unbearable.

I think the key is a sane,rational conversation before things unravel.

You are not alone , far from it , my mother was not abusive and i'll do and already do stuff to help her out along with my supportive siblings but i absolutely do not want to be her carer if she ever needs one.
Good for you if that's what you want to do - (reference to a previous poster) but many of us do not want to be the carer for another adult .
Easier said than done but you shouldn't have to explain yourself or feel guilty either.

@cuckyplunt in what way was that even the tiniest bit helpful to the OP?

@ReallyBadEyeDeer you have to be confident in yourself that you are not morally obliged to care for your parent. The fact that you have had a traumatic and difficult relationship is enough reason. Not that you need a reason.

Be strong and be like a broken record "You need to contact a care agency to arrange carers to come in, shall I call them for you?"

Do not get pulled in any further.

I think all situations are unique depending on the parent/child relationship, history of ill treatment etc...

The bottom line is that there are some parents who deserve all the love and care in the world, however that is achieved.

And, frankly there are some parents that don't.

If your mum belongs to the latter, and she can afford it, then she needs to accept that she will have to fund her own care. You deserve to concentrate on your own children.

Ask your Local Authority for a Needs Assessment. Be there if possible in case DM lies about her abilities.
Then you have support that a professional says she needs xyz support. At this point DM can purchase care from LA or pay another agency, likely to be slightly cheaper.
Be prepared to say ‘ I cannot do that. You need a carer for that’ like a broken record.
Otherwise you will be broken.

Social services will try to guilt-trip you into it, because it means they don't have to organise it. And no, they don't guilt-trip men into it, they try and guilt-trip their wives, like they did to me when MIL was needing care.

You do not have to look after your parent.

You do not have to pay for your parent's care.

Pass the whole thing over to social services and tell them that they have to do it. Any care fees will come out of your parent's assets. You do not have to pay anything and whatever you do, don't let SS badger you into signing anything.

Two years ago I stepped in to help my father despite us having had a very rocky relationship - and minimal contact - since I was a teenager, due to his actions/choices. I wish I'd just turned my back. His care took over my life (I also have children and a stressful job) until I felt I was on the verge of a breakdown. He is now in a home and has, once again, behaved deplorably to me so I have gone no contact and will remain so. Op, just say no. And repeat over and over. I wish I had.

It's going to make her happy at the end of her life whilst it's invariably going to make your life more difficult in the prime of yours?! With a job, and a family of your own? Indefinitely?
And she's ok with that?! Blimey.
I hope I don't do that to my adult DC.

You've hit the nail on the head there SunnnyBunny - if we take a do-unto-others view, I really really don't want any of my children looking after me. I love them so much and would do anything for them, but I don't want that to happen the other way round.

Any elderly parent who would look at their beloved child and expect them to give up their lives to care for them, isn't the elderly parent I hope to become.

That’s wonderful, hope it goes well. But do come back and tell us how you’re getting on in a year, two years, five years, or longer…

OP - I’d get POA in place and pay for carers. You don't have to sign up to be a carer.