Really really don't want to care for parent

[ReallyBadEyeDeer]

Will probably get shot for that.

But I just really don't. For many reasons.

• history of very difficult traumatic relationship
• they have mental and physical issues that do not make them easy to care for
• I am just not a caring person at all
• I have a very busy job and other hobbies and children commitments

Everything on line says "oh yes this will be very very difficult so don't let yourself burn out" but basically assumes you will still do it. Or that you'll personally fund a carer for them if you can't. And I know many many women do manage to do it.

I have no funds to pay for a carer. Parent certainly does have funds but doesn't want to pay for anyone else to care for them but is incapable of looking after themself.

I just cannot face it.

It's OK.
My parents were emotionally abusive, I wouldn't either.
Even while child free.
Full stop.

Social services will try to guilt-trip you into it, because it means they don't have to organise it. And no, they don't guilt-trip men into it, they try and guilt-trip their wives, like they did to me when MIL was needing care.

@fromaytobe they don't guilt trip because they don't want to do the work, they guilt trip because there is no money. None. People chose to vote for lower taxes and a reduction in social care for years, this is the result.

I would have guilt tripped men if they'd ever turned up at care meetings. But it was pretty much always the women.

Cucky. In the kindest way. You have NO idea how difficult it’s going to be for you.

My friend spent 3 years caring for her elderly parents at great cost to her own mental health. She gave it everything and more until she was completely burnt out.

Now they are gone and she's trying to rebuild her life. She had no previous concerns with mental health but this has broken her.

I'd find it way easier to say no myself now, having seen how it's affected my poor friend.

Yep, we know someone who spent a fortune converting bits of her house for her mum. Lasted 2 weeks, then DM was admitted to a hospice and daughter was so thankful she could just be her daughter, not a carer.

It was too much, 24/7 is very different if you're a team, not just one person with a lot of other stuff to do as well.

This.

My mum told me years ago that I had better bloody not (her words) even think about trying to care for her or my dad. Apparently it would be a terrible waste of my education. 😂

I won’t be caring for either of my parents, neither of them did much for me when o was younger. I may do a small amount of admin for them but that is all. And if they refuse other care then so be it.

I agree.
Whey you have funds to pay for carers is irrelevant. That's for her to pay not you. A lot of people seem to think they are liable for their parents' care fees - this is not the case.

I used to be a carer and I’m not sure if I would be capable of caring for my parents. Getting up in the middle of the night to take them to the toilet, washing, dressing, getting their fluids in by spoon-feeding the thick water, feeding, brushing teeth and hair, socialising, changing nappies and/or pads….

That’s before you have anything extra like dementia or Alzheimer’s where they can turn violent and they ask you 30 times who you are or why you’re in their home. Holding hands and singing them to sleep because they’re confused and that makes them scared…

I had it for 12 hours 3 or 4 nights a week and it was a LOT. I actually quit after I realised I was paid £27 before tax for 3 hours of sitting in someone’s blood on the floor while talking and stroking their hair waiting for the ambulance to arrive. If you’re not like “it’s an absolute honour my mum has asked me to do this! I will see her off in the most dignified way money can buy” then it’s not for you OP and you shouldn’t feel bad. I had a team around me and getting the cleaning etc done was STILL hard. No means no.

You are definitely not alone in this. My mum stated many years ago that she didn’t want us (her kids) to be her carer. She still tells us that at age 80. She worked as a carer for decades. For the most part she is independent, though needs a bit of help here and there. She’s very independent. I am very grateful for this. Dh and me have a lot of difficult things to deal with. Chronic illness and a small business to run and pay the bills.
My dh mum is a few years older than mine and is pretty much the opposite.
I have a nightmare of my dh not being able to cope with all the travelling (4 hours round trip) to fix things for her that didn’t need fixed when she knows he is run ragged.

My own Mum had been driven to a nervous breakdown (which I was old enough to see, and to some extent, understand) from caring from her Mum and her aunt at the ends of their lives. And they were both lovely women, relationships were good etc.
So she always said "Don't worry about putting me in a care home if that's what's needed!" . She knew how hard it could be. And she was haunted until the end of her own life by not being able to care for another aunt. Close family but she had 2 small kids and just couldn't.

She probably would have been a holy terror made the best of a care home, but it didn't come to that in the end. Would have been better, even so, than us all cooped up in the same house getting on each other's nerves - we got along fine, but 24/7 is a big big BIG ask.

Clearly what you need to do is re-home your children, hand in your resignation and give up your hobbies so you're available 24/7 to meet any caring demands without burning out.

Or maybe just clone yourself so there are two of you?

Personally I don't think it's fair on the kids for parents to take on significant caring responsibilities while children are still living at home.

That quote is extremely true.

I did go google to read about context said it in, but it seems she didn’t originate it.

The full quote is even truer in my experience “If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.’ It is wisdom I have passed on to many others . If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide.” . “ it appears to have originated from a book called When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection by Gabor Maté, MD, that explores the health risks of our unhealthy ways of dealing with stress, emotional issues, and relationship issues.

This is indeed my experience of looking after exh for 20 years of our 30 years marriage with a severe and enduring mental health condition, this is very true. As an ExW the guilt is much less damaging than the resentment that built up

And now my dad has late stage dementia and appalling symptoms with aggression, delusions- a truly horrible situation. Sectioned and being passed from nhs ward to care home and back again. He’s essentially homeless right now that no care home can accommodate his needs in the entire local authority, and bed blocking in hospital. My elder sibling is the attorney and nearest relative under mental health act- I’m going to send them that quote. particualrly after today high has been a particularly frustrating one for them . They need to delegate more .

caring is so bloody hard for people with mental health issues or cognitive decline. We are none of us equipped for it. Few have the patience or tolerence long term, 24/7, year after year without resentment building.

It's lovely that you are willing to do that. However, when my late DM needed care I had a full time job which I couldn't afford to give up and I also had an elderly DF (parents divorced) who would need some sort of support. Neither of my parents would have expected, or wanted, me to take them in btw, and I preferred being their daughter to being their carer.

Surely you can see that not everyone's situation is the same?

Agree with others DON'T DO IT. Don't be guilt tripped and don't let Social Services steam roll you into agreeing to it, even if your mother tells them you will/or she wants you to do it.

Recent somewhat similar dilemma in this weekend's Guardian
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/apr/14/i-was-abused-as-a-child-but-now-my-mother-needs-care

This is exactly how I feel. I don't understand why so many parents expect their daughters, and it is always daughters, to do this for them.

I really feel for you and recommend reading the article that sitting linked too. I've just read it and it's really quite brilliant.

You don't have to make excuses for why you don't want to look after them, it's absolutely fine not too.

Totally agree about practising a couple of lines such as "I can't do that right now, do you want me to look up local cars agencies"?

Agree too that SS have no money and will try and get you to do it all.

You really don't have to. I was at a party at the weekend and my "D"M's BF had a go at me for not doing more for my "D"M in front of some guests. She only hears what my "D"M tells her though and I'm pretty sure she doesn't talk about the violence or neglect or exactly why she's not welcome in my home.

Now the time has come and it is chaos and I am the evil daughter for not wanting to give up my life.

Just wanted to add that my DM has been keen to cast me as the evil daughter from a very young age.

At this point I find it quite helpful. She tells everyone she can how me and my DSis won't help and don't see her. If they believe that's fine but it also means that I have a great excuse not to take on more caring because apparently I'm evil

Social services will try to guilt-trip you into it, because it means they don't have to organise it. And no, they don't guilt-trip men into it,

Not true. My brother was the unlucky sibling who lived locally to our extremely difficult mum. I had the luxury of living 1.5 hours away. We attended several meetings about my mum's care, and at each one of them SS very strongly pushed and tried to guilt my brother into providing care. In the end I was the one who lost it and told them to leave him alone.

I don't understand why so many parents expect their daughters, and it is always daughters, to do this for them.

Again, nope. It was my brother that my mum wanted to move in with.

It is usually women though, you can't deny that.
When/if you get a Care Plan read it very carefully. Despite me and my sister saying we would not be providing any formal care to our mother, they still put us in the plan. We had to insist they changed it. We did the admin, shopping, visiting but were not going to be responsible for care.

It is often women, yes @Davros But I won't stand by and let anyone make generalisations that are clearly untrue. Anything that says "all men" or "it's always women" annoys me, and I won't be shrugged off with accusations of using NAMALT. Similarly I won't let a man say "all women"

It's lazy to make those reductive generalisations, and I resent my brother's efforts over a decade and a half being denied or made invisible.

This isn't a helpful message but I'm suspecting it's not genuine. If you rearrange the letters in the user name, the tone of post changes somewhat.
Hopefully it's a sarcastic comment based on what we read from martyr-like care givers that self-flagellate on a frequent basis.

If it's not a snarky comment then DFOD.

OP - if you don't want to care for your parent then you don't have to. Don't let the system & 'well-meaning' family friends guilt or grind you down. Good luck.

Thank you this resonates. Part of my issue is that I have a very strong reaction to anything physical....I can barely stand to hold her hand let alone help with toileting etc, it really does make me have a reaction. And a large part of this is due to my childhood issues with her which I don't believe I should be forced to relive constantly. But if I bring any of this up to SS etc they just ignore it. I've even been told by nurses at the hospital "well we do it". Yes which I very much admire but you chose that job. I have my own very much full on job. I have my own children I look after. I did not choose my parent and I did not choose to be their carer.

Absolutely!

Part of my issue is that I have a very strong reaction to anything physical....I can barely stand to hold her hand let alone help with toileting etc, it really does make me have a reaction. And a large part of this is due to my childhood issues with her which I don't believe I should be forced to relive constantly

I was the same.

SS only gave up when I lost it completely in defence of my brother (see my earlier post) and in breaking down, told them about how abusive she'd been as a parent. I wish I hadn't had to do that, but sadly it was the only effective response.