Really really don't want to care for parent

[ReallyBadEyeDeer]

Will probably get shot for that.

But I just really don't. For many reasons.

• history of very difficult traumatic relationship
• they have mental and physical issues that do not make them easy to care for
• I am just not a caring person at all
• I have a very busy job and other hobbies and children commitments

Everything on line says "oh yes this will be very very difficult so don't let yourself burn out" but basically assumes you will still do it. Or that you'll personally fund a carer for them if you can't. And I know many many women do manage to do it.

I have no funds to pay for a carer. Parent certainly does have funds but doesn't want to pay for anyone else to care for them but is incapable of looking after themself.

I just cannot face it.

I don't blame you OP. Just don't do it. It hasn't happened yet but I'm clear that I'm not going to get involved in care for one of my parents either, for similar reasons.

I also don't expect or want my own dc to do it for me in future, although (fingers crossed) our relationship is much better - I want them to get on with and enjoy their own lives.

Social services will try to guilt-trip you into it, because it means they don't have to organise it. And no, they don't guilt-trip men into it,

They were trying with DH male cousin Lc and NC with their father - they got no where - they refused to be guilt tripped. FIL was found as contact and SS now deal with him as he picks the phone up and puts his two cents in - think FIL bit shocked he's not manged to bully/guilt DN into doing anything.

Rest of family staying back and TBF rest of family did elder care before and have young GC or other older relatives to care for - IL avoided helping with their own parents.

When they were moaning at me I said stop taking the SS calls - or just stop agreeing to do stuff entirely and then it's SS problem to deal with or someone else in family may step up - but FIL won't do that - and then moans.

So have a variety of nos - that won't work - that's not possible - that won't be happening and repeat. Or that's not been agreed and won't be happening.

@ReallyBadEyeDeer Have a look at this thread. You might find it helpful. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

To add, you don't have to care for your parent. Practice saying No! into the mirror 😆

I wouldn't either.

My DM fell out with me recently - no idea why, she's very toxic and goes into shit little moods for no reason, doesn't even have the decency to tell you....she just stops responding 🙄 The last time it happened she was in a 'mood' for 7 years. She didn't speak to my DF for 10 years whilst living in the same house...you get the picture.

I'll be honest, her latest episode just made me feel relieved. They're both getting on and have a few health issues (nothing major) - as the only DD (4 brothers!) I know the responsibility for their care would fall to me. Her doing this has relieved me of that 'duty'.

Id feel exactly the same as you op and am in some ways thankful my mum is so toxic so I don't feel any guilt whatsoever about it - tougher if you have a normal mum though I guess!

The expectation that women will work full time, raise their kids, then their grandkids and even their elderly parents needs to F right O. I'm tired!

(I do help a lot with my grandson though because he's my favourite little person in the world ☺️)

Don't let anyone push you into it if you really don't want to. I'm live in for my elderly parent and have been since lockdown. We have always had a good relationship and get on well, but there are days when I find it really challenging.

I'm fortunate in that I have no other commitments (children, work etc) so I'm not pulled in all directions. I chose to do this because I wanted to, I have aways felt that it would be me and not my sister, and I am happy to do it.

You have many valid reasons for not doing this, especially as the relationship is not a happy one. If they have sufficient resources available, then they can get care in. Does anyone have PoA?

Thanks everyone (well, almost everyone 🤣) you've made me feel a lot better.

@user156 yes I did think about POA but she's now not considered able to give it to me. I could apply anyway but spooked myself reading up and it sounds like having guardianship for someone without capacity is a lot of liability if anything happens to them so you'd pretty much end up caring for them anyway to fulfil your obligations?

I'm in the same boat and I feel for you. I'm also her only child... no other family near either. She's frail disabled and alone. But she's an incredibly difficult person. And I am a caring person, I used to actually work as a carer... but this is a different kettle of fish due to how... I'm going to just say awful here as that's the truth.. of a person she is. Caring for her is not straightforward. I'd actually be happy to care for a relative who didn't absolutely take this piss and treat me like shite.
People don't understand do they? They imagine their parents who they love and who love them... they think the difficulty is just one of time and effort... not one of being emotionally abused every day... not one of having someone work against you and their own best interests abd safety every step of the way.
It is indeed a privilege to care for a normal reasonable person who you love, towards the end of their life...
But unfortunately some of us have relatives that whilst we may still love them.. are absolute pieces of work and trying to care for them is horrific.

Putting it another way...

It ain't in your mother's interest to be cared for by a semi-hostile untrained amateur who might snap and do something unwise, so stuck to your guns for both your sakes.

Someone on this board gave a brilliant quote from Phillipa Perry - if you have to choose between living with guilt or living with resentment, go for guilt every time.

I like this. I won’t be doing any full-on caring either - errands and admin yes, but not putting my own life on hold to assume caring duties. Women need to stop being socialised/coerced/guilted into these kinds of situations, and DP and I are determined to plan ahead and organise our affairs as far as humanly possible to prevent our own DD from ever having to become our carers.

I can think of nothing worse than my children looking after me. Does your parent want you to look after them?

Ah - I think if the opportunity to put POA in place has passed, you’d need guardianship, which I think takes 6 months or so.
If you don’t want any involvement, which is a perfectly valid option, SS will take over as and when there is a crisis. But they’ll want your DM to pay if she has the means. The only issue if you don't have guardianship is that SS will have all the decision making powers, which may or may not be an issue for you.
Good luck with it all.

I would phone their local SS adult helpdesk and address the immediate issue that they are unable to look after themselves. And make it very clear that due to relationship issues, it isn't something you are capable of co-ordinating. Write a letter or send an email to their GP as well.

My DD works for the local county council in the adult social care funding department and believe me, they leave no stone unturned about personal care funding.

It's perfectly OK to have your limits - know them, and stick to them.

Take a deep breath and just say no and stay firm.

You are more than enough on your plate.

You need to make it clear to social services that you are not mentally and physically not able to take on her care. Your priority has to be yourself and your kids.

There is always this bizarre tendency to think that women have an endless reserve of energy and time to care for everyone under the sun and that their own needs always come last.

Don't let anyone guilt trip you into anything.

One thing that made me feel less guilty was to ask ‘would that parent have cared for their own parents?’. I think that often the answer is no, and if so, they shouldn’t expect it of you.

You have every right to make it abundantly clear to adult social services that you cannot and will not step in. They really can't make you, you know.

Your parent is in the fortunate position of having the money to pay for outside care and will have to spend it.

I'm not caring for my mum when the time comes . She put herself first and didn't consider us when she moved far away with another new man so we could only see her once a year at 9yrs old . I will now return the favour .
I have also worked hard for 40 yrs and have always considered retirement my time . I won't be giving up my retirement to caring on demand .
Nope it's not for me

I think it's normal to have those feelings. I've been using Carents Room for help with funding and also just for a bit of support for the mixed feelings I've had around caring for elderly relatives.

It's your life OP, live it how you want to, you don't own anyone anything.

How exactly does this help the OP?

I have told my children they must put me in a home. I will not burden their lives. I've said I want vodka and the Internet, and once my mind has gone, if there's no euthanasia, get me Sylvanian Familes to keep me happy.
Don't be guilt tripped into this OP. Your responsibility stops at helping to make arrangements. That's it.

The benefit of not having PoA is it backs up your statement that the relationship is not straightforward and you are not willing or able to be her carer.

Believe me, you aren't the first and you won't be the last. The team involved, whoever they are, will come up with a plan a darn sight sooner if they understand there's no point chasing you.

It would be a no from me i dont want my child to care for me when im past it.
I dont like responsibility anyway i avoid as much responsibility as i can.
No one will ask me for any help i flat out say NO.
No caring no baby siting no pet sitting.
I wont even watch a dog outside a shop for a mate sorry your dog not mine.

Say "no'.
Say "no" again.
Say "no" every single time.
This is absolutely not your responsibility, OP, and your parent will have to sort themselves out.

I spend so much time worrying about this. I have a good relationship with my mum. I know she is expecting me to look after her. My grandmothers moved in, my mum gave up work for a while. I know I am selfish beyond words but I just don't think I am capable. I will have spent 2 decades looking after children, I don't want to be tied down by a parent, and as she's single it feels even more pressured.

I have a great relationship with my mum but I still wouldn't care for her. It's not even about how well you get on - love doesn't overcome the practicalities of working fulltime, kids, husband, school runs, activities, family holidays all while having to provide care. It's just not practical.

Keep saying No to SS. They just want her off their books. Don't be guilt tripped.

Arranging for someone to care for your parents is caring for your parent. You don't have to do the actual care. Like, arranging for a cleaner to come would help them have a clean house: you don't have to get your hands dirty.

Provide parent with as many options as you can google this evening. Print some stuff out, order brochures from care homes, find out what Social Services can offer and how much it will cost. Tell parent those are the options, and with every attempt to guilt trip, you say 'I've researched the options, all you have to do is pick one. I'm not going to be your carer.' and have that line on repeat.

Don't say no to caring, because you will be arranging for them to have sufficient care. Say no to guilt, because you have a life of your own, and if your parent won't let you live it with impunity, they don't deserve the energy it would cost you to be their carer. If you think about it, they have priced themselves out of the game, emotion-wise: if only they'd been nicer to you, you might be thinking about the whole thing differently.