Where do I start? Long, sorry

[CappyHappyClappy]

My parents are in their late 70s/early 80s. They have health and mobility issues , can no longer drive.

I only get 2 weeks holiday a year (US). It takes 2 days just to travel here, so my current 10 day trip is really only a week.
I’ve just come home for the first time in more than a year, and it’s very clear they are not coping. The house is a state. It’s small, damn all storage. They have too much stuff and cats who make a mess everywhere. It stinks, the house is unsafe and unhygienic.

i have no idea what to do or how to get help. They live in rural Scotland, no public transport. It’s a nice community but limited access to facilities. They get groceries by going with a neighbour once a week to the nearest supermarket which is half an hour away. No supermarket deliveries here. They won’t entertain moving, but to be honest the house is so bad they wouldn’t be able to get much for it to afford anything else anyway.

I don’t know where to turn to get help. They are resistant to change but this can’t go on. It’s hard to get rid of stuff here too - nearest dump is nearly an hour away, only one tiny local-ish charity shop. I could cry because it’s overwhelming. I’ve only just got here and we’ve had an argument about how bad it is. I would be happy to pay for a cleaner but it’s way beyond that right now.

What on earth do I do? How can I get them the help they need when I’m not here?

Sorry I'm no expert, but wondered if you could contact Help the aged, they might have some ideas. Alternatively maybe social services might be able to arrange some care. Could you discuss getting a cleaner or a private care with them, if they are financially able to do so?

Sorry, I see you've said it's beyond a cleaner.

Maybe they're no longer able to care for the cats and the local animal rescue could find new homes for them?

Would you be able to make a start on cleaning and then get a cleaner to go in weekly to stay on top of it all?

Are you sure it's not beyond some sort of cleaner? Perhaps a more specialist hoarder/extreme clean type service? Sounds like the cleaners would have to travel to get there but if you have money to throw at the situation it seems likely you'd find someone willing. After an initial tackling then maybe a twice weekly cleaner could keep it ticking over so that either they continue to live there or it could be sold easily.

It sounds very tough though.

I would join local groups such as next door and see if you can find someone reliable to come in regularly to clean.

Search for local community voluntary services. Don't know about Scotland but most councils in England have them and they are charities that do a lot of community support.

Age concern, help the aged, saga are all good places to turn for advice...you could also try citizens advice. Local council and / or social services.

Identify what support they need to stay independent/remain ay home

In England you could contact Adult Social Services based in the County Council. I would expect there to be a similar service. They are vulnerable adults and social services need to know about them.

Age Scotland have a helpline you can ring, they will lots of experience of what help is available https://www.agescotland.org.uk/

good luck @CappyHappyClappy this is a tough situation for you.

If your parents are known to district nursing I would call them for advice as they may be able to put you in touch with care management who could assess your parents needs and provide a care package. Alternatively call their GP and tell them you are very concerned and need an urgent referral. Some of the local charities may be able to provide advice as well but it does sound like they need a regular care package in place. Good luck, it’s not an easy time or job for you.

Do you have any siblings? Any other family who are located closer to them?

You say that they have health and mobility issues. What are these? I’m assuming that they are not suffering dementia or any other neurological conditions. How are their health conditions being managed? Sometimes that can be a way into getting them to make adjustments.

My parents are in rural Scotland too, and I often hear them talking about the informal networks that are set up to help older people living far from family to get by - taking them to town for shopping, Dr appointments etc. Do you know the neighbour who’s helping them out? Maybe you could talk to them and find out more.

i understand that it’s a shock to find them living in such grubby conditions. Do they see it? Are they not noticing the state of the house? Or are they aware but physically unable to keep up with cleaning / maintenance?

Can you talk to them more generally about their plans for the future - especially if you are permanently in the US? My dad is very resistant to talking about what they will do. Like yours they are totally reliant on driving for everything. My mum is sociable and will be able to make the most of getting lifts from neighbours (as she’s given plenty in her time) and using taxis. She has also talked about moving onto a bus route (my dad is having none of that 🤷‍♀️).

In reality there's often very little you can do. As an ex district nurse I've seen this 1000 times.
An urgent referral to social services is your best bet but if they refuse to engage or are resistant to change you're stuck. If people have capacity they are allowed to make unwise choices.
Letting a crisis develop is usually the only way things move forward.
Do not be paying for a cleaner. If one's needed they pay for it themselves. If they choose not to then that's on them. Very common not to want to spend any money yet let family run ragged. Be very careful of propping up an unsafe situation. Today is the best they will ever be?
What were their plans for coping as they aged?

Age concern, help the aged, saga are all good places to turn for advice.

Age concern and Help the Aged.merged about 20 years ago to become.Age UK (who can give advice and will have lists of local services). Saga does holidays and insurance, not care or advice.

My understanding is that social services will only get involved if the parents themselves ask for help not anyone else .

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions. To answer a few questions:

Their health issues are physical, not neurological. Dad did have a a very minor stroke a while back, but no cognitive issues that I can see. Mum has pretty bad arthritis. Both have breathing issues, asthma, COPD. District nursing have been in as mum got injured recently. I’m actually surprised they haven’t flagged anything (or maybe they have and my folks haven’t mentioned it).

I honestly think it would break their hearts to rehome the cats. I actually think though that getting the house under control would make the cats way less of a problem. It would likely help with their breathing problems. I hadn’t thought about hoarder type cleaning services, I’ll look into it.

I have no siblings, so no one to lean on to help with all this. I’m going to talk to them about longer term plans. I know they want to stay in the house, and if it was cleaned up that may be feasible.

So do they are in aren’t with you that the house is a state? I can’t even comment on clutter at my parents place without getting my head bitten off 🤷‍♀️ and their place is clean at least, no pets, it’s just cluttered and various trip hazard around.

i think you’d be shocked at how low the bar has to be for a district nurse to even bat an eyelid at living conditions. It would have to be a very serious risk to their health, and even then, if they have capacity, there is very little anyone can do without their consent.

with our PIL we had to work quite methodically through the list of ‘can you do this safely?’ - eating, drinking, personal hygiene ie washing / showering regularly, toileting properly, taking medication, etc. This at least led to getting rid of furniture and rugs that were trip hazards, and getting various bars / rails etc installed by the council. Anything else was up to them 🤷‍♀️ and what we could persuade them to do.
Like you we live far away, so we had so much to do in a week long visit. We just didn’t have time to go softly softly with them: they had already sold their house but were incapable of packing / sorting their stuff. We had to go quite hard just to get it done.

maybe you need to spend this visit softening them up to the idea of change, then keep in close contact about it once you are away, then plan to return quite soon if they are receptive to sorting anything in the house. How often do you / are you able to visit?

OP, do you have Power of Attorney set up for them? If not, that would be something to consider doing while you are there this week.

Don't be so sure that the stroke hasn't affected you Dad. His executive function is likely impaired so tires more easily, less able to accept the current situation needs to change etc.

Hopefully you can be forceful with the "if you want to stay here with the cats XYZ needs to happen else social services will intervene"

Very tough on you when you live so far away!

Not much can get done with a week but making it clean and safer can be achieved - if your parents are on board.

Hire a skip and be ruthless.

Arrange for a one off deep clean then a weekly clean thereafter.

Are they coping with laundry?

Can they cook for themselves to a decent standard? Would meal delivery’s be an option plus a small weekly shop with the neighbour?

Can someone be hired to tend their garden or if unfit do they qualify for the council to send someone to cut the grass?

I’d raise concerns with their GP and social services and make it clear they have no one to support them.
You will probably find that they’ll not do anything until there’s an emergency and one of them needs care.
It’s hard enough to take action when you’re local, I don’t see how you can realistically do much from the US if they’re resistant to any change. Just focus on alerting services and being blunt with them for this trip.
They may be able to get Attendance Allowance that would help them to pay for support. If they want to stay in their house they could do with help with gardening, cleaning, shopping and cat care! They should be able to use taxis or hospital transport for appointments.
US holidays are ridiculous - could you buy any more leave or find a job that has better benefits?

I’m assuming you have your own full life in the us too, but is there any possibility of negotiating some working from Scotland on a temporary basis to get them sorted?

I don’t think you can deal with the clutter unless they want to

but for cleaning, you could try an end of tenancy clean. That’s often about four hours of intensive cleaning.

Honestly? You need to step back. You can't help in any meaningful way. You have to leave them to it.

I honestly think they have just got so used to the mess that they don’t notice it anymore. they absolutely do get tired a lot more easily. There’s a lot of general disrepair too. They never been the tidiest people but this is beyond that.

My job is customer facing so no home working available. I used to get back about twice a year, but that was before I was working. It was extremely hard to get a job at all, despite qualifications and lots of experience. I could try and get some unpaid leave later in the year and come back over. Not sure how that will fly as it was a struggle to get this amount of time as it was. It costs a fortune to come over, and I can’t really afford to leave my job right now.

Mum mentioned that the community nurse was going to be coming in at some point this week. I’ll try and catch her and have a word, or else I’ll contact their GP. They will be mad at me for doing so but I have to do something. I feel I don’t really know where else to turn. It’s overwhelming.

If they were on board I could blitz the place and make vast improvements in a week. It’s the getting them on board that’s so hard.

Just sending a handhold. Nothing useful to suggest really. Until their life becomes too much for them, I doubt anything will change. But at some stage, the SOS will arrive, so I suggest you plan for the crisis and let things ride until it happens given the distances.

Having been in a very similar situation, I know that there are specialist cleaners out there - and if you are speaking to social services they will know the right people to help. They were a lifesaver for me.

Maybe go at one thing at a time. The absolute priority would be the cat mess? It’s not normal for cats to shit all over the place so perhaps there are not enough litter trays. Will they allow you to clean up the cat mess and get more trays on the grounds that the cats are distressed. Then you will need to site the litter trays and that might lead to getting rid of some junk, etc. Then if you’ve just got grime and dust and not animal waste it might be easier to think about a cleaning service?

Can you do a bit of reverse psychology and ask them to let you blitz the house because it would help you feel less anxious about being so far away, worrying about them etc. You can say you know it's over the top (it isn't) but it would be doing you a huge favour as you find it so worrisome being an ocean apart and it would give you peace of mind. Would they slip into 'mum and dad helping out their daughter' mode if you pitched it like that?