Where do I start? Long, sorry

[CappyHappyClappy]

My parents are in their late 70s/early 80s. They have health and mobility issues , can no longer drive.

I only get 2 weeks holiday a year (US). It takes 2 days just to travel here, so my current 10 day trip is really only a week.
I’ve just come home for the first time in more than a year, and it’s very clear they are not coping. The house is a state. It’s small, damn all storage. They have too much stuff and cats who make a mess everywhere. It stinks, the house is unsafe and unhygienic.

i have no idea what to do or how to get help. They live in rural Scotland, no public transport. It’s a nice community but limited access to facilities. They get groceries by going with a neighbour once a week to the nearest supermarket which is half an hour away. No supermarket deliveries here. They won’t entertain moving, but to be honest the house is so bad they wouldn’t be able to get much for it to afford anything else anyway.

I don’t know where to turn to get help. They are resistant to change but this can’t go on. It’s hard to get rid of stuff here too - nearest dump is nearly an hour away, only one tiny local-ish charity shop. I could cry because it’s overwhelming. I’ve only just got here and we’ve had an argument about how bad it is. I would be happy to pay for a cleaner but it’s way beyond that right now.

What on earth do I do? How can I get them the help they need when I’m not here?

This could work,. They do sometimes slip back into ‘mum and dad’ mode, so maybe playing up the worried daughter bit could help. I will try anything right now.

In reality, you're not going to be able to turn things around in a week, particularly if they're hostile to the idea of changing. They'll have got into their own rut and it's very difficult to get them out of it. It's really difficult to get the authorities involved if they're deemed capable of making their own decisions.

However, there will be a range of local groups - and these differ from area to area - that will be able to help. Their local council will have a list of these. If you search for <insert local council name> "voluntary sector groups" you'll probably come up with the organisation that will be able to signpost.

Local authorities also often fund community transport in rural areas, which can be booked ahead for shopping trips, days out and that sort of thing - I'd investigate this as well.

Can you stay somewhere else and do daytime visits so you're not in the middle of it all the time? Or do you have any other friends you can see when you're there? Take care of yourself too, particularly if this is your only holiday.

Realistically (and I really, really wish this wasn't the case as I've been through it with mine!) what is likely to happen is that they'll go on like this until there's some sort of crisis with one of them that tips them into not coping. Then there will be a lot of pressure to sort things out at a time you probably haven't planned for - you might want to bear this in mind when asking for leave.

They won't want to hear this now, but I'd have a look at sheltered housing/care homes so that if the crisis comes, you're not completely at sea. Even just doing it online when you're back home and looking at inspections and so on will give you some sort of idea of what's available locally.

On the plus side, at least the neighbour is seeing them weekly and the district nurse has been in, so there is some contact with the outside world.

I'd have a look at sheltered housing/care homes so that if the crisis comes, you're not completely at sea.

I agree with this. If someone needs residental care the ideal is a planned move, but a crisis move is much more likely so it's really helpful to have a shortlist prepared.

Sending hugs and handholds
You’ve had some good suggestions already. it’s really hard when a combination of pride, stubbornness, shame, fear and boiled-frogness means parents won’t accept help

some priorities:
1: POA for both finances and health and welfare . If you don’t have them get sorted this week while you can get things signed in person. There is a limit to what you can do from so far away but having them in place will let you do what you can eg access to bank accounts, and health decisions of/when crisis comes . If they resist reassure then it’s for wmergencies

2/ make contact with district nurse, GP, the friend who gives them lifts, any other neighbours . You don’t even have to say anything explicit. Just make sure they know you are their daughter, your name, your tel and email address, that you live abroad etc… One advantage of a rural community is people will look out for them - but make sure they know how to reach you if there is a problem or they are worried

3/ Age UK have a good helpline so try that - they operate through local branches

4/ find a cleaner and gardener if your parents would be willing to have one or both. Don’t worry about the state of the house. Cleaners will have seen much worse. Agree with others see if you can book a deep clean and then two or three times a week (remember part of the goal here is to have someone coming round regularly). If you can find someone happy to be more general home help, run errands feed cats so much the better

5/ the suggestion to start making some contingency plans, even if you don’t discuss with your parents , is a good one. You can do some research online if you don’t get a chance while you are over here.

Finally I would suggest focusing on whether they are safe, rather than whether things are as clean and tidy as they could be. It sounds like they aren’t coping all that well, but if they are warm, fed and safe that is most important. You may need to lower your standards which is awful when it’s your own parents. But you need to protect yourself too and you can only do so much.

I used to work in elderly care and sadly this is all too common. If they have capacity, you're frankly banging your head against a brick wall. Like a PP said, it's only when a crisis hits that you can start to introduce changes.

But don't tiptoe around it and be blunt. Tell them that it smells, it's dirty and it's very obvious that they aren't coping. And you're worried about leaving them in this state.

Thanks for all the suggestions. It’s good to know this isn’t unusual, but it’s sad there are clearly others that are in the same position.

I’ve been looking at some options for cleaning. I haven’t found a hoarder/extreme cleaning type of company any closer than Glasgow, which is more than 200 miles away, but I have come across a local company that does regular cleaning. I thought I could try the local letting agent for recommendations- they manage a lot of holiday lets so might have some ideas.

The neighbour who drives them occasionally is lovely, but he’s older than they are!

The nurses are coming in this week so I will try and talk to them. Their doctors surgery is excellent so I will contact them too. I’m unsure if I should tell my parents I’m going to do this or not.

Their personal cleanliness is fine, and apart from some forgetfulness they are mentally capable. They did give me documents a few years ago which may include a POA - I will check when I’m back home.

I feel so out of my depth. Unfortunately I’ve inherited my mum’s unfailing politeness and inability to upset anyone. I need to get tougher.

You don’t have to tell your parents that you are contacting the GP. The GP should be used to keeping things confidential . Let the GP know if you contact them without your parents knowing so they can keep the contact private.

In my experience GPs are very used to this kind of situation

If you want to let your parents know, you could say something very neutral like “I’m going to write to your GP so they have my contact details if there is ever an emergency “.

The GP can also ask your parents’ permission to talk to you about their health. Again they could do this is in a general way “is it OK for me to discuss your medical details with your daughter, should that be needed in future”. They don’t need POA if they have your parents permission.

ps - holiday let company very good idea for cleaners

If their personal cleanliness if fine that’s a good sign. Were they happy about the cleaners in general? If so that’s good too

I know it’s awful seeing your parents decline. It’s a form of early grief. Losing who they used to be and have been your whole life. Do you have people back in the US to support you and you can unload on a little bit?

this sounds really hard OP. Can you get them to make a file of essentials- neighbours numbers, GP etc? Bank stuff too. They might need you to take on some financial responsibility at some point. May as well get organised.

is this your only holiday?

hope you get to do some nice things this week with them too?

I managed to chat to the nurse this morning, who was really nice and gave me some good info. She was very much of the view that while they’re somewhat managing right now, that the clutter is presenting an increasing risk as they develop more health issues. She did say they’ve been offered help which was declined, so at least it’s on the radar.

The thing is it sounds like your parents are burying their heads in the sand really about the realities of aging. If they have capacity they can decline all help and intervention (which they have.) I feel for you, it is really hard and you have the added struggle
of being so far away.
One tip- make sure the GP surgery has your contact details, maybe even the elderly neighbour and community nurses. I work in the hospital and it’s not uncommon for us to really struggle tracking down a NOK, all a neighbour might know is the state or country they live in. If things do take a turn for
the worst at least they would be able to get hold of you, and also make sure you have power of attorney in case the time comes when they don’t have capacity. Trying to sort finances or care from abroad without that would be a nightmare!

its great that you’ve spoken with the nurse, she can be a useful contact going forward. And it’s also great that they seem to be managing the personal basics - clean, fed, watered, able to use the toilet, taking their medicine etc. It sounds like it’s the house that is the main problem, plus lack of forward planning.

i agree with others that you really really need to get POA organised before you leave, or at least set things in motion. Do you know who their solicitor is? Or if they have things like wills etc organised? It’s also very useful to have an idea of their financial situation. DH and SIL found out that FIL was paying lots of things he shouldn’t be - store card charges that were never used, an old Internet provider he had stopped using etc. Plus he’d taken out a loan that he didn’t need and was paying loads of interest on it. But getting POA organised is the biggy

I would suggest that they both apply for attendance allowance

This is not means tested

This can be spent on anything eg cleaner, taxis, meal out at community centre, etc

Unfortunately, a week is not enough time to sort everything out

Goodluck

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

@CappyHappyClappy apologies for late reply but this company is based in Inverness, could that be of use?
eta correct url; https://scsclean.co.uk/

Wow.
I would have said the opposite.

I'd recommend contacting their local CAB office. We live in the rural Highlands and I know from working in the area that the CAB managers can be an absolute font of knowledge. They will know what services operate in the area and what your parents might be entitled to.

Sounds really tough, I'm 350 miles away from my folks and that's feeling like a huge distance nowadays, never mind another country!