So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Visited my Pa95 in his care home this morning as my usual weekly visit. It was very depressing as he could only really complain about not being able to go to the toilet on his own etc - seeing this as the staff being strict/mean to men - when in actual fact it's just that the women he was comparing himself to are still mobile and 10 years younger than him. I can usually distract him a little but really that's all he wanted to talk about. I got the care manager to talk to him twice but nothing was enough. Very depressing (and if I'm honest quite frustrating). I said surely it would be more cheerful for you to talk about something other than toileting?

I love my mum but I need it to stop. I have had 20 years of it. It destroyed my marriage. I feel like they are taking our lives

This!
There is plenty of evidence to demonstrate that women's health is seriously compromised by taking care of elderly parents for years on end.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew
Are you okay to start the next thread? We're nearly there.
I'm very conscious that you're extremely occupied at the moment.

This is how I feel. My life being taken.

I'm taking it back and not feeling terribly guilty about leaving mum to carers coming in.

She is in bed, it won't be too long.

I need my own life, now.

It angers me so much. Meanwhile most men just seem to get on with their lives, leaving us to deal with the real shit.

Yes, even if the person needing care is the man's mother or father.

The wife is always supposed to step in. Even if she works full time herself.

Men get away with not doing so much crap - it maddens me.

I have said on here before. Bench on walk near me. Parents both died in their 90s then dedication to daughter shortly after aged 60. Like it was a surprise. Noshit Sherlock

Oh yes and adult disabled children too. I know there are many good devoted fathers out there but equally large numbers of single mothers coping with this, getting older themselves.

She's my MIL not my mother so not really for me to say no to her ultimately. I will not be there. Neither will I take time off from work to sit round her bed watching her die. I'll do practical things, as I can, to help but that's all. If DH and his long distance siblings want to take that on it's up to them. I don't think they have any comprehension of the reality. The consultant suggested there would be NHS support. So it will now be taken as gospel that my concerns are unfounded. I'm extremely sceptical.

Ha, this resonates. Daughter's in law moving in to help their frail inlaws has come up in conversation. DH valiantly proclaimed that he would never expect me to do that.
"Oh same here DH, I would never expect you to move in with my parents to look after them."
Cue a look of bafflement/horror and then realisation, that IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME THING!
Sexist twit.

Exactly!

Women, on average become carers in their 60’s, men on average past the age of 75. This shows men care primarily for their wives, but sons offload the care of their parents onto their sisters or wives.

Shiny new thread ready for us here
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5217385-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-4

On one level I feel for you hugely, life is difficult in such circumstances. You must be exhausted. On another I’m glad you’re not mine. You’re so mean about your parents. Wishing your mum dead says something about the colour of your soul.

I wonder if she was so drama raptured when giving you life? Nurturing you until you could walk, talk and use a spoon? I have four and I truly gave them my all, every single ounce of possible energy, love and resources. It was the highest privilege of my life. They were the best years of my life, all of it, every single bit…what a ride ! what a ride! Better than landing on the moon. I’m an artist and teacher and I always considered them my finest works of art.

I have friends who are not that keen on their adult kids but I have always really liked/loved mine and all their qualities. They’re not perfect and neither am I but I have always been proud of them. As I get older (not ancient but older) pensioner this year, I’ve sensed an undercurrent from some, a difference of want, a dystopia of need…things and families change I guess. I find it unnatural and so different from pre lockdown days. I try to respect the difference and distance they need. I respect their peace but I miss them massively.

I’m grateful I’m not in your mums position. I’m wishing you were Italian or from a big family and could get more support and appreciation. Don’t forget with out your mum you wouldn’t exist, maybe that could help you access some compassion…

@ByWaryCrab there was absolutely no need for that level of unkindness directed at @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew . This is a thread for people utterly at their wits' end and genuinely suffering. Some compassion on your part would not go amiss.

Totally compassionate as I said in the post. But a vulnerable and elderly person deserves more love, you know, the unconditional kind, like she extended to you? I genuinely feel for you, as I also said. Our older generation are the wisest, kindest and usually the most dedicated in good health and so readily discarded, moaned about and dishonoured when they need our love the most. If you go back over your own threads, which I have read in their entirety today I think you’ll see where I’m coming from. You’ve said some awful things on there about your own parents, I find it shocking, plain and simple. You’ve given me food for thought though and worry. As a deputy matron I saw the most horrible abuses of the elderly (financial and otherwise) by their families and I am sensitised I suppose. I hope it’s never me, or you for that matter. There’s a very interesting social model on a Dutch website via euro news (care in the community) which you might find interesting. I.E. young and old of all ages live in complexes and benefit from one another’s strengths. The whole care system is in disarray and I’m sorry for the fact you’re caught up in it. I wasn’t being unkind, truly, just trying to express that there are aspects of your relationship with your mum that you’ve forgotten in your stress that might help shore you up just now. If this post is as you say just a desperate rant/hate/fest for strugglers then you should have said? I genuinely was trying to help. No offence intended at all.

@ByWaryCrab I agree on some things you said and personally go out my way to help my stubborn but nice FIL - and yes I agree there really are some shocking families too - but I do disagree about elderly people being the wisest and kindest when in health -some are indeed, but many are not - plenty become stubborn and mean too - refusing to pay for help even when well able to do so but with huge expectations of help from family - usually female members of family too - the thing is times have changed and many women are having to work until late in their 60s purely to get by - maybe if some of these very comfortably off oldies with family nearby had helped their family out years ago and given them lump sums then they would actually have had more time and more choices to be able to help them out - so nope I can't accept all elderly folk of sound mind are kind and wise -

I was generalising of-course, accept your point. And yes some old people can be mean. Big lump sums….. I wish, none to receive non to give. No one gave me one. I agree, had I not had to retire due to ill health I’d still be working and loving it. Some of us live on tiny incomes and ask for nothing and certainly have nothing to give away, everything is relative I suppose. I do sense today that there is a mood of entitlement in society. My next round of Christmas shopping starts at the end of February in order to have gifts for next christmas, I sense that flies in the face of most people but it is how I cope.

Oh piss off. You have no clue.
i have had over 20 years of it
and just so you know my parents were crap. Really neglectful
my older sisters were both awful as teens. Took all of my parents energy and time
i said something to my mum once. Her reply was we thought you were fine

Twenty years of caring? You said to your mum about struggling? Sorry I’m not understanding what you mean.

So you're both an artist and a teacher. And also a deputy matron?!

Hmm.

Gosh. This thread has taken a turn.

I worked in the health service/social services/ community for 21 years. I then went back to uni and did a degree, ma and teaching degree/PGCE/ diploma in ‘learn learn to learn, preparing for excellence’ so yes I have been a deputy matron, teacher and am now an artist yes. Well spotted.