So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Goodness @CaveMum so they're going to end up back in A & E fairly soon.

Sigh.

Thanks ladies, yes I suspect that another hospital admission will be in the near future unless the Drs can convince him to have it put back in tomorrow.

Mum is incredibly old fashioned about deferring to the "man of the house" nonsense (she's a practising Jehovah's Witness, while dad is most definitely not - WHOLE other layer of complications there!). When they had to recently change their car mum kept saying that dad didn't want an automatic and he didn't want an engine size of less than x - sorry but dad is totally blind and hasn't driven a car since the 1970s so why the hell does he get a say in anything other than cost?!

And breathe...

Here’s a big group massive hug to everyone. It is all wearing us down and I don’t know about you but my brain is fried.

I think DM might not last to Christmas which means I am stalling arranging things for the kids in case they get cancelled. Which is stupid as it guarantees that the kids don’t get a Christmas this year. But I’m wandering around unable to concentrate on anything and I am procrastinating about anything important.

Ah thats a horrible situation to be in@TomatoPotato. Feel for you. For everyone on here. Its just crap for all of us, in one way or another.

so despite me seeing my DM tuesday and im taking her out shopping on saturday, me popping in today to literally just sort a problem with their ring doorbell, me staying for only an hour was 'not enough, ive barely seen you, why are you leaving early'. The GUILT! I could cry. Fuck the fact that i work, 2 kids, husband, home, social life (hahahaha) and dealing with menopause and seeing them 3 x per week...its never enough!

I was putting off organising Christmas things too, @TomatoPotato , still in this stage where she's on end of life care. But I've decided to just organise stuff, I feel like I've put life on hold for such a long time already.

Here’s a question though. And there’s no right or wrong answer. Where do I draw the line? So if you’re on your way to the airport for a once in a lifetime holiday or even just a normal holiday. Do you cancel there and then and deal with the crisis or carry on anyway. Does the answer change if it’s just a day out? Or if it’s something for you rather than for the kids? I feel like I’m trying to prepare myself for the worse case scenario but I don’t want to not arrange a holiday or day out for fear it might be canceled? What do others do?

I go and do whatever it is. I thought about it before our holiday but we'd have all had to come back if I'd reacted to a crisis (DH doesn't drive and would have been stranded otherwise). I'm not wrecking my family's holiday.

Days out I wouldn't answer the phone, it's set not to ring during work hours, so I wouldn't know there's been a crisis until later on. This makes it easier to switch off from it.

The time there WAS a crisis I didn't pick up the message for about eight hours, then couldn't get there anyway for personal medical reasons. Friends/neighbours had to deal with it. This is the point - there will be a time when you can't respond to a crisis because you're ill yourself, incapacitated in some way etc, can't leave your child. Nobody can be always available and having other support in place means there are other people to deal with that crisis when it arises.

Otherwise, taken to the extreme, you'd never have a day out or a holiday again,
never have another alcoholic drink in case you need to drive to deal with something. You can't live your life like that.

My MIL’s friend, with a difficult and demanding mother, got a call on holiday from social services, asking her to come back to sort out the latest crisis. MIL’s friend told SS to deal with it and carried on with her trip.

the key is putting robust support in place so its not always you thats first to call, coupled with defining what is a genuine crisis.

so, little things like installing a key safe so someone else has access if you are away or on holiday. A list of trusted tradespeople, registering with their utility providers so you can phone them on your parents behalf. Exchanging phone numbers with their neighbours/friends who you could call on to help if you cant be there.

then decide what level of support you are able to give and where your line is when you must go over vs what is something that can wait until your next planned visit, or someone else can do. When you talk about worst case scenario, what are you worried about? For me, the only “drop everything and come now” would be a fall or illness requiring hospitalisation, or if a tornado ripped the roof off. Everything else can either wait or someone else (usually the carer) can sort it. And i didnt tell DM when I went on holiday, just made my visits around it and she never noticed.

I had this last October (2023). We’d gone through security and were about to go into the holding room before getting on the flight when my phone rang. I never get calls unless it’s an emergency. It turned out it was someone from my bank phoning to say thank you as I’d left them good feedback in a survey. Both DH and I thought the call was relating to my mum and that set the tone for the holiday.

And bingo, on the second day I got voicemail after voicemail from the buzzer alarm people and I was on the verge of looking at flights home. But then I finally got in touch with them and all they wanted was to update my contact details on their records.

Get them to pack a hospital bag with enough things in to keep them going for a night or two. That way a neighbour or paramedic can easily grab it if they are admitted.

My "drop everything and come now" scenarios are pretty much limited to heart attack, stroke type scenarios, not expected to live much longer situations.

We actually faced this with ILs one evening in 2022 when FIL collapsed the night before a covid delayed trip of a lifetime to celebrate our Ruby anniversary. As it was we'd just had dinner with a bottle of wine so couldn't go but it was touch and go whether to cancel. It was bloody expensive and I doubt insurance would have covered because it was FILs pre existing condition. I let DH and supported whatever he wanted to do but he was furious because the only reason MIL, who needed 24 hour care, wasn't already in a hospital was FILs resistance. Luckily she was due to go in a week later and in the end DH decided he'd had enough and we were going. His brother, SIL and aunt covered a couple of days ( naturally it was the weekend when everything is harder) and the home admission was brought forward a few days. We'd had a nightmare couple of years with 4 parents with a high level of need, none local, and had lost my dad a few months earlier and DH just needed that break more than anything else.

Much solidarity all. I think for me I feel constantly on high alert. The stress is unreal. At this rate she’ll outlive me

Your last paragraph really resonates with me as I feel like I’m doing those things just now and putting my life on hold. My DF has had multiple trips to A&E this year which has resulted in me becoming more anxious than usual about doing anything or going anywhere or having a drink. How do you get out of this mindset? I find it very hard.

@EmotionalBlackmail this is very much the approach I want to take but it just feels like there is this expectation from wider family and friends that of course you would just drop everything and go and sort whatever it is out.

@TomatoPotato I was on a boat in the Mediterranean when I noticed 4 missed calls from a number with the same area code as DMs so of course panic. Managed to call back and for some reason a mobility aid company had my number for her instead of hers. I just feel that sense of stress and panic about the phone constantly and things aren’t even that bad yet! I really don’t want to put my life on hold. I guess keep booking things and see how we get on is the only thing I can do.

@Facecream24

my wider family and friends (actually DM's friends are the critical ones, my friends would support me!) aren't offering to pay my mortgage, look after my children and were frankly useless when we've had to deal with my health problems in the past. I find the criticism hard to deal with but I'm getting better at either ignoring it or turning it back on them to point out what they could do. Only taking calls or msgs at certain times helps.

Ultimately my priority is children and keeping a roof over my family's head. That means maintaining my career, which I can't do if I'm constantly nipping off to deal with things or opt to go part-time (which would also mean we couldn't pay the mortgage or afford to retire ourselves!)

@EmotionalBlackmail its so helpful to find someone with the same situation and thought process. Same career, house, kids here and yes family are the main criticisers! Thanks for your advice.

Good luck @Facecream24! It is really hard.

I got one critical friend to shut up by suggesting she collect the laundry from the hospital, do it and return it when she started moaning at me about when was I going to come. At that point I couldn't drive for medical reasons which was why I hadn't come, so the idea of me coming and lugging laundry around on the bus was absolutely farcical!

In news that will surprise no one, mum had to call out the district nurse in the middle of the night as dad was unable to urinate. He’s now got a new catheter fitted. In typical martyr fashion when I asked mum how she was her reply was “we’re dealing with things as best we can”.

We’ll see what the hospital say when he goes back this afternoon.

Its truly rentless isnt it? I used to dream and wonder how it would end with late Mum who was just not wanting to be here. Told all medical professionals that she wanted to die (she really did - it was her time as she was early 90's). They just smiled adoringly at her.

FGS - can we not have a conversation about keeping the very old alive, who have no quality of life, who are paying a fortune to be in a care home (or the tax payers are). Dont stuff them with antibiotics and then cart them back to their care home or worse into the arms of the nearest relative while smugly patting themselves on the back that they have 'saved' another very old person.

What has happeneed to a good dignified death surrounded by loved ones??

The elderly parents I am reading about on here are horrendous. Using emotional blackmail to get their children to do their bidding, to make stupid decisions that the children (normally the daughters) will need to clear up. Living in a dirty house and refusing to move. Surrounding themselves with clutter and junk that YOU will need to sort out. Not being able to find anything, refusing to use the direct debit service and wanting to go into a bank to pay a cheque in (or getting you to do it THEIR WAY!

All the while even on these threads there are people who bleat that if they have capacity they can make their own decisions and you need to explain why something is foolish to do.

DO YOU NOT THINK THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE??

RANT OVER FOR TODAY!

@Tracker1234 brilliant. 🥇 for post of the day. every bit is spot on. Now breathe.

The holiday thing is a big issue. Your stomach turning knots when the phone rings and you recognise the number and you are waiting to board your flight. I used to think of scenarios as to when we would come back home i.e heart attack (unlikely) fall and breaks something (likely), going into hospital for a UTI and talking gibbish.

In the end although we were away quite a lot nothing urgent happened. I did get phone calls from parent or SS but very lucklily I could deal with it via a phone call.

Mum suffered a lot from UTI's and became almost incorrent and couldnt gain her balance. That happened a number of times, medication sorted it but everytime she was discharged she lost more and more confidence and became more and more frail. In the end she stopped eating. Her EOL medication was sorted although the surgery told me she wasnt there yet.

I wasnt there in the end. I asked her the day before when I saw her if she was in pain and she said no. Her EOL medication had started I presume.

Going back to the orginal question though. I had siblings abroad. I demanded that they be on standby. They wriggled a bit and the care home didnt want to call internationally but I told sibling to call the care home EVERY DAY. I dont think she did and eventually they got some sort of WhatApp in place.

It is funny that the people sitting 100's of miles away seem to have what they consider to be the best ideas as to what YOU need to do without actually doing anything themselves bar opening their gobs!

It is funny that the people sitting 100's of miles away seem to have what they consider to be the best ideas as to what YOU need to do without actually doing anything themselves bar opening their gobs!

This. My aunt came up for the weekend, decided to tell the care home staff that she wasn’t happy with the room layout so wanted them to move the TV and furniture, and now she’s sending me messages telling me to tell them what music channel to switch to on the radio. She creates such chaos that I don’t want her in the room at THE END. I just want my brother and I to be with my Mum for a quiet and dignified end, rather than the wailing and gnashing and demanding that other relatives are present to show that they are the better griever and they’re closer to my mum than I am.

@Tracker1234 I completely agree. My grandma had a heart attack age 74 and died immediately, no ill health in the run up to it. Lived a great and full life till the day she died. DM is on all sorts of medication to prevent things like a heart attack and why? To live a few years longer but get dementia and lose all quality of life instead? Our medicine seems to simply prolong life without always thinking about the quality.

It sounds like you did a great deal more than me. I suspect I might be the annoying one not doing enough.

@Facecream24 i get that it is hard to know what to do. If I had read two years ago the posts I make now, my reaction would be “but she’s my mum, I can’t just leave her like that”. But the stress and anxiety along with other Life Stuff brought me down to the point of breakdown, so if anything I can say helps even one person avoid the traps I fell in then I will do my best.

i have a feeling though that for many of us, particularly those who have been fortunate to have an ok relationship with their parents, we have to go through some bad times in order to believe what others say and understand our limits, and not feel so much guilt when we push back.