So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

@Radionowhere hello welcome and so sorry. It really is awful. There is a thread you might find interesting
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5179774-appalling-behaviour-dressed-up-as-old-age-it-has-to-be-addressed
Solidarity and 🥰 to you and your family.

Thanks @TheShellBeach Still at home. No carers, has taken a real dip in the last few weeks and now needs them I think. Has needed a cleaner and gardener for many many months but will not agree to either. I'm (quietly) refusing to do the cleaning, DH is doing it. I want him to put his foot down. Suspect he won't. It means that I'm left with everything to do at our own house anyway. We both work full time.
There's a weird dynamic going on. His mother is very manipulative and selfish. Very difficult to please. Has told her children repeatedly over the years that she hopes to be looked after by them in her own home when she's old, and to die at home, a dreadful burden to place on your children in my view.
She's feeling very sorry for herself this weekend. Reckons she might not see out the weekend. She absolutely will, being closely monitored by her medical team. DH was in her house 4 times yesterday, three times today, once with me, our daughter was also in. It's never enough.
She's terrified of dying, and really quite depressed at times, and yet is a committed Christian. I thought she may find comfort from her faith but if anything she seems to have parked that at the moment.

@Radionowhere interesting you mention her faith. Mine was an ‘avid’ parishioner of her church using the entrance down the aisle each week almost as a catwalk. She would never join in with things like doing teas and coffees or cake sales but she did wheedle a ‘job’ as a person who doles out communion etc - she thrived each week choosing her outfit and being able to use the altar as her stage.
Ours also has ‘parked’her faith. She told me recently that organising her and Dad’s funeral would be tricky as the priest ‘won’t want to do the service’. I asked him as I know him. He said he would because it was the right thing to do but that he understood she was realising how rude she had been to him.

My mother is terrified of death but has never tried to address what she is terrified of. My theory is she believes in heaven and hell and is panicking that it might not be very nice after a lifetime of poor behaviour.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Thanks for the thread. Somewhat morbidly it’s nice to dip in and see other people having the same struggles! It’s only now that I really understand the significance of obituaries that say ‘passed after a long/ short illness’. With long illnesses you still get all the grief and shock but you also get years of care that leave family emotionally and physically wrecked. :(

@BlueLegume That's interesting, hadn't occurred to me it might be a glimmer of self reflection.
Sorry, chuckled at the priest's comment, poor man!

Yes.
And almost always, it's women, who are often well over 55 themselves, or older.

These 90 year olds have daughters who are also pensioners with their own health problems.

I was 65 when I said Goodbye to my mother. Many years spent on this task. Now contemplating a return to paid employment! You couldn't make it up!

DH has announced tonight that his mother may have to move in with us. It was an information briefing rather than a conversation starter
For context, we both work full time, not from home, and have two very large dogs.
Which begs some rather obvious questions which it appears I'm not allowed to broach.
I'll understand when it's my parents apparently. Righto.

OMG @Radionowhere that needs to be shut down, pronto.

That should not be happening. Your husband can't just announce something like this to you.

Outrageous.

Goodness, so he's giving up work to look after them?! How will this be afforded?

@Radionowhere did something specific happen on his visit to his mum to trigger that comment? How does her telling her children she wants to be looked after in her own home by her children and die there fit with her moving in? And are your DH's sibling(s) helping to look after their mother currently?

I guess he thinks if she moves in the cooking, washing, cleaning, personal care will all get picked up by you. No holidays as she can't be left alone for a week. Then no nights out because she can't be left alone for a few hours. Will one of you be pressured to give up work to be there 24/7 because near the end that could be needed. It might already be needed.

It's nice to want to try and give a sick parent what they want but I doubt he has a real grasp on what that would mean for his own family life including you and his daughter.

I’d be informing him that you’ll be moving out the same time she moves in. I know he’s probably deep in the FOG from what you’ve said and I do have a grain of sympathy for his position, but there comes a point at which all the grey rock in the world won’t help you keep your sanity while he dreams up these unworkable solutions and won’t even discuss them.

Many of us have a damascene moment where we realise that we simply cannot do what we and/or our parents would wish to enable them to live as they want, and outside help is necessary. And then suddenly life gets a bit less stressful and in my case, I asked myself why we didn’t insist on this earlier. What will it take to get your DH to that point do you reckon?

It’s the opposite for us actually as my parents (both with very significant health needs) are in their 60s so I’m juggling small children, and dying parents. An OT I was talking to said it’s been coined ‘the sandwich generation’ because people (women!) are having to care for parents at the same time as small children - partly because of people having children later.
I guess at least I’ll be through it once I have to manage menopause!

Gosh, thank you all so much for letting me vent. It's helpful. Feel like I'm losing my mind this weekend. I know I'm not a bad person, I'm a realistic person, a bit black and white at times but there we are.
Struggling to keep a lid on my emotions which are veering from anger to a quite intense sadness when I think this may end my marriage. Feel very detached and quite aware that may become permanent if it goes on too long.
Realistically his mother won't move in with us, completely unworkable. He doesn't want to move in with her, I think is where it's coming from, and nor should he have to.
Hadn't occurred to me that he was also thinking I would have to pick up the domestic stuff @Choux but I think that will be part of it. He's becoming resentful and he will direct that at me, regardless that I'm drowning too. Such is life when you choose to martyr yourself.
His siblings live too far away to be of any help, they will come to allow us to get away, if convenient Other than that we are tied for the foreseeable.
His mother said to him today that she was becoming a burden etc, I said that maybe he should broach the subject of getting paid help, he got very cross. I don't understand what it's like apparently. Okay. He said that his mother would not want to go into a home and he wasn't sure how we would work it when she gets to the point that she's bed ridden and dying. I couldn't keep a lid on it I'm afraid, and said that unfortunately none of the immediate family are nurses and we wouldn't be able to provide end of life care for her at home... I've previously said that I will not, under any circumstances, be providing personal care. In reality I will as a very short term, can't actually neglect her, scenario, but I'm not offering that up as it will become a long term solution.
I'm sure he thinks I'm cold and uncaring. I don't think I am. I know my limitations. I'm neither a nurse nor a particularly accomplished housekeeper.
Edited to say she is managing her own personal care currently. I can see that not being the case for much longer.

@Radionowhere You're definitely not a bad person and I think it's good to be realistic because otherwise you just get sucked into the vortex and there's no escape. Your husband needs to be more assertive with his Mum and tell her what can and cannot be offered. There's absolutely no way that you should be forced or coerced into having her live with you. Social services want families to care because it saves them a job and once you start on this path they'll be happy to let you continue. Although I didn't directly care for my late Mum doing all the arranging and dealing with numerous crises was more than enough on top of a full time job.

Edited to say she is managing her own personal care currently. I can see that not being the case for much longer

One piece of advice on this subject @Radionowhere

Do NOT even start to do any personal care. Not even in an emergency. Your DH needs to realise that his mother needs paid carers to do this.

And I'm sure he wouldn't do personal care himself.

So given that there is nobody to do it, your husband will have to give in on this.

And do start looking at care homes, so that you have one ready for when it's inevitably needed. The worst thing would be if your MIL went into hospital, could not be discharged home, and you needed to find a home in an emergency.

Tell your husband and his mother that this is judicious future planning.

Yes, @TheShellBeach the personal care is going to be the crunch point I think. I won't give in. His sister will have to make a decision at that point. She doesn't work but has a family she would have to leave behind so I expect she will refuse. Perhaps then he won't feel like he's the one giving up on his mother... She won't want him providing personal care, and he will not want to do it. She would let me, but I can't deal with that. It will be a hard no and I'll take the fall out.

Social services want families to care because it saves them a job and once you start on this path they'll be happy to let you continue

This!

100% this. @Radionowhere this is the bottom line.

That's why I advised you not to take on ANY personal care. It's a slippery slope.

And I'm so sorry that your marriage is in trouble because of this.

It sounds like it's mainly due to your husband's inability to face what is really happening to his mother, and his desire, spoken or implied, that you will take on the burden of being her carer.

Does your MIL own her own house by any chance @Radionowhere ? Is this why she and your husband are so keen to avoid care homes? You aren't a bloody free live-in nurse and you need to tell them that.

@Radionowhere would your MIL be safe, warm, clean and fed if she had carers visiting her at home? If so then that is the most straightforward solution, at least in the short term.

From what you’ve implied, she might not be happy about it, but safe, warm, clean and fed is my standard for DM that keeps my conscience clear. If there’s something else that’s a “want” rather than a “need” then I’ll consider it, but only if I have the energy/capacity. Eg I might not do Christmas cards in her behalf this year, I would like to do my own which I haven’t done for several years due to doing hers and only having the energy for one lot.

Getting your DH to accept a similar “minimum standard” sounds as if it could be difficult though. It was hard enough for me even though my DM is a reasonable woman and we get on.

Hi all, can I join?

DM is in a care home and is very frail. The care home manager said she could go at any time so now I am waiting for the phone call which could still take months TBH.

Hello @TomatoPotato and welcome to the thread.

Has your mum been in the home for long? Were you her carer before she went in?

She’s been in about 6 months and was independent before a stroke.

Good way of looking at it @funnelfan . Home care assessment on Monday. They want to speak to DH as well. God only knows what he'll say to them. Haven't broached the subject of being there too as yet but I will.
Sorry about your mum @TomatoPotato