So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew oh my goodness - what you are doing is not sustainable. Is there anyone in the family or your parents GP who could get your parents to see this is wrong and they need external help?

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew
I'm so sorry it's so tough at the moment, and sounds like it has been for a long time. It sounds like you're in danger of burn out, there's so much pressure on you.

What would happen if you went to your parents less often, say once or twice a week?

This thread really resonates with me too, and I can really see the stress and desperation we all feel.

I am baffled by so many elderly parents who seem to expect their children to move in to provide care, or at least be there every single day.

My lovely mum cared for her own mum and has always been adamant that the same won't happen to me or DB. She wants to be independent but accepts carers so we don't have to.

She's terminal though, so soon it'll just be dad, and he expects one of us to move in. He looks sad and says 'I thought families pulled together in hard times', but why should I lose my home so he can keep his? Cos that's the reality of me giving up work. Should my children also move in, or do I just leave them? Should DH also stop work to facilitate this? I don't want to feel angry, but can't they see the impact of what they're asking?

@TheMerryAquaBird your post just made me choke up. It is great your DM accepts carers to alleviate the burden on you. We are in a battle with ours who just trots out the line ‘I don’t want strangers in the house’. She hasn’t been a kind mother always criticising and judging everyone. My sis had some minor surgery this week and ended up in tears breaking down to a nurse about our situation. Our brother thinks we are hard hearted and along the lines of your DF ‘families pull together’. Nothing we have done for our mother has been right. We have cooked from scratch she wretched. We have cleaned - not good enough.

I have had a cry this morning as I have been there too much this week to help out other siblings with commitments. I feel sick thinking the only option is to move in. She is not ill so this could go on for 15-20 years. I do not live near to her so it is a trek. What kind of situation to put your adult kids in just because you are stubborn.

My DM made pointed comments in front of us when we met up with a distant cousin about how her terminally ill mother moved in with us in the early 70s because ‘that’s what families do’.

She conveniently forgets that her mother was with us for just a few weeks and that just a few years ago DSis and BIL started the process of selling up so that they could get somewhere with an annex for DM. DM was so bloody difficult about the whole thing that DSis came to her senses and stopped. DM doesn’t want to live with / near DSis and there’s no way she could move in with / near us.

So our reality is DM can’t manage on her own (she is a safeguarding risk), can’t / won’t live with or near one of us, and refuses any paid help or residential care. It will just take one more crisis for the decision to be out of her hands.

@BlueLegume Have you suggested to your brother that your DM moves in with him?

@SabrinaThwaite excellent point in the last paragraph re a crisis taking the decision out of her hands.

When I pull myself together and use sensible words this is what I think we need to happen. Frankly us all popping in and out randomly or even routinely is simply enabling our mothers poor behaviours.

We have the added issue of one sibling having turned into some kind of martyr and being ‘astounded’ that we don’t care enough. My sister especially has always been very dutiful as a daughter and both she and I have picked our mother up on many an occasion when she has had a wobble in life….but he doesn’t want to know about that because he wasn’t involved. It is only now that his life is being impacted that he has set up a competition to decide who ‘cares’ most. Well I am not playing.

@SabrinaThwaite ha - no I haven’t because all we are unable at the moment to have a sensible conversation with him at all.

It could all be so much more simple with a few little tweaks and acceptance of external help.

One problem is - well for me anyway - he lives a very chaotic life and seems to love the drama of having a house full of animals, kids, grandkids, people staying over socially and I don’t. I enjoy a calm simple life, as does my sis. My sis made a great point years back that everything he does seems to be an act to make himself look edgy and cool.

Our kids all cracked on with schoolwork and did well and are all grown up and have good careers and their own relationships. His were forever having problems and didn’t engage with school and consequently are in low paid jobs - but he blamed the schools and the government and Covid blah blah blah.

I think he likes the chaos of not answering messages from the nursing facility about Dad; they do not bother contacting him anymore. Of not having a proper conversation with our mother about what she NEEDS in life not what she WANTS.

They do have help. It's just not enough

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew do they have an allocated social worker that you can contact? If not can you contact the council to ask them to be assessed as a matter of urgency?

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew what @CaveMum sounds really sensible. If not for them for you. Do you think if someone asked you if you thought they were living independently you would be able to say yes? I mean independent including the help they get if that makes sense?

@BlueLegume So when your DB says ‘families pull together’ what he really means is ‘I’ll get my sisters to do the heavy lifting and I’ll float around on the edges doing as little as possible’.

They've been assessed. Social services said dad can't cope and she should go into a nursing home.
he won't comply. He refuses to have her go into a home in a planned way, it will take another crisis for it to happen.
he constantly moans about how she needs to go in permanently because he can't cope but does nothing to make it happen

That's so hard. Has he been assessed as having capacity to refuse? Does your mum have capacity?

As horrible as it sounds can you contact social services and say that you are no longer prepared to enable his care and that you are stepping away? Surely they can step in with some kind of emergency protection order? I get that you want to do your best to help them but if they refuses to help themselves then they have to suffer the consequences.

You are not responsible for him, his choices have consequences and anyone who thinks that the result of his choices are your fault is not worth paying any attention to.

Sorry mum was crying so had to post earlier than planned

dad won't let me arrange anything. It's just all a massive mess

I say this kindly @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew, but you need to step back. Notify social services/their GP that you are at breaking point and stepping away for a bit. Tell them that you anticipate a crisis but that you cannot do any more. You then tell your parents that if anything happens they are to call social services/the GP for help, not you.

You will break yourself if you carry on like this, you have to put yourself and your family first.

And I can't step away and leave them to it, I just cannot do that.

i come on here to vent and spare my family from some of my moaning, I'm not looking for solutions, I know what options there are. What I want to happen is for it to be permanently over. I'm in the middle of a particularly wearing month of shifts which is really affecting my mood as I have had no school day days off apart from last Monday. In 16 days I will have 4 full days off when Dd will be at school which I am thoroughly looking forward to.

Similar situation here; sorry long one. DF cares for DM. DM has carers 4 x day and they love having them turn up to help. So I've been lucky that they have accepted help in that respect however, I asked SS to come and see them in the summer and get DF to agree to respite care (apparently he's entitled to 3 x weeks per year). DF initially agreed with me that this would be a good idea so I set up the meeting only for him to say 'no, absolutely not' when the SW asked the question about DM going into a care home for a week or two to give him a break. I nearly punched him.

Anyway, roll on to October and what happens? DF falls ill, is taken into hospital for 8 days so I move in with DM and care for her but I call SS on the first day of me being there saying we need to organise emergency respite as we don't know how long DF will be in hospital for and I cannot care for DM indefinitely. It took SS 6 days to arrange 'emergency' care. 6 long fucking days. I was spitting blood by the end of it and when the SW said 'can you last another 2 days?' I said an emphatic 'NO' and burst into tears. She then said 'any friends/neighbours/family could pop in and look after DM?' I just stared at her in disbelief. Who the fuck wants to take on the responsibility of a woman who's Type 1 diabetic, doubly incontinent and needs hoisting every time she needs to be out of bed?!

And the icing on the cake? I was told "If you can't cope, take DM to a local hospital A&E department and have her admitted as a social admission". So effectively abandon her to the system and walk away. But SS KNOW people won't do that so they drag their bloody feet, kicking and screaming before getting to a solution. I involved fucking everyone in my complaint, the local MP came up trumps tbf.

So respite care was arranged, DF came home and was able to potter around without worrying about DM for around 10 days. He's adamant now that he will take the 3 weeks per year but all this happened because they failed to agree to respite in the first place!!! All because DM said 'but we promised each other, we wouldn't put each other in a care home'. And according to DM that is now the law.

@Projectme ironically mum's social worker is brilliant, dad is th one that won't accept anything he is offered unless it's on his own terms.

That's just what we went though with ILs. FIL was getting more and more frail and complaining he couldn't cope but wouldn't countenance MIL going into a care home even for respite. He had terminal cancer, frequent falls and we were still battling. DH and his aunt scouted out care homes with SS help and we're incredibly lucky that a space came available in their favourite one just as we hit total crisis point a few weeks before he died. It was an incredibly stressful few months.

Sending you much sympathy and some gin @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew
You're in a very difficult situation.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to tell you what to do. You just sound so ground down and sometimes it can be so hard to see the woods for the trees. Do keep venting in this safe space, we all need a place to blow off steam, but also please look after yourself.

Sorry you're having such a shit time @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew , feel free to vent away. It does help, I know

<sigh> Had a message from my mum, dad had an appointment today to see whether he was able to have his catheter removed. They were at the hospital from 9.30 till 4pm. Dad hasn't passed enough urine for them to be satisfied that he can manage without the catheter despite his bladder being pretty full. However he has refused to have the catheter put back in so they are discharging him to come back tomorrow.

I get that he doesn't like the catheter but if the choice is between catheter or ending up hospitalized with another urine infection? My mum is being typically passive about it all and just saying "It's not what your father wants."

@CaveMum what they want and what is needed. Your Mum is just wasting time as ours did/does with pointless passive comments when decisions need to be solid and with the patients interest front and centre. Feel your pain.