So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

I’m sorry @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sending strength for the coming sadmin.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere the crisis is over now. Please let the sadmin wait. Give yourself time.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere Sorry for the loss of your Mum but glad you were able to be there and that her death was peaceful. Take care in the period ahead.

@Nodancingshoes I hope you've managed to get abreak. My DM went through a phase of phoning me (I'd pick up in case something was wrong) then putting my Dad on who'd sort of grunt a bit. I found it massively stressful as I'd get these calls when I was taking my kids to the park or similar. I asked DM to stop doing it; she wouldn't give me any warning and a lot of the time I couldn't really hear DF properly. It's like getting a big dose of anxiety you have no control over. She did stop eventually (before that it was late night and early morning Whatsapps, I had to put in boundaries or I'd have gone insane).

Many years ago I worked at a care home and a resident asked to use the phone. I took her over to the phone then she announced she wanted to call her mother, I hadn't seen it coming and felt awful!

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I hope you're doing ok.

We're just still keeping on. DM has form for lying about DF's care arrangements - he's an an expensive home in a terrible location (it's the location bit that's a pain). She told us DF's pension was covering the costs but the home have put up the fees twice now and DM is claiming they've done this retrospectively with no notice, which sounds unlikely. It's the extra layer of fuss and drama she puts on everything that gets so wearing.

Very sorry for your loss. But how lovely that you were there. 💐

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm so sorry for your loss, take care of yourself right now everything else can wait

I'm currently waiting for the care home Dr to contact me (been waiting since yesterday) the home has told DM that DF ought to be in hospital as he now has cellulitis on top of CKF and she is now worried we have made the wrong decision about him being kept in the home. So I'm waiting to find out what the Dr thinks. Personally I think moving him will distress him and I'm not sure it's going to change his prognosis and I think if he could talk to us he'd say leave me be but I suppose if it sets minds at rest it's better to ask

I can see no benefit to your father being moved to hospital, @Tara336

I hope he stays where he is. It's so confusing for people like him to be in a new environment, and for what gain? He'll be looked after better where he is.

@TheShellBeach absolutely agree I think DM just wants to know she's doing what's right, I think it would be confusing and from what I have read on NHS websites it seems that it's something that will just keep returning once antibiotics have stopped. We've also been told that antibiotics will cause more issues with his kidneys so whatever we do is going to cause an issue somewhere else we are dammed if we do and dammed if we don't.

@Tara336 my dad's kidneys were wrecked from years of heart failure diuretics and then he got a UTI. There was a debate about which antibiotic to use which would put least strain on his kidneys.

He started and then stopped at least one antibiotic and I think they were growing a culture to see the exact infection. But he died in his sleep before a treatment plan was agreed. Looking back I do wonder if the delay treating his UTI was because they realised it wasn't in his best interests to keep him struggling along by curing it. He was likely to have died in a few weeks anyway. I hope he gets to stay in a peaceful environment and is kept pain free.

@choux thank you so much, I'm going to take a day off and go to the home when the Dr is there doing rounds and have a chat. Helpful to know about cultures being grown, ill ask about that. I think DM wants to know she has made the right decisions for him (deep down I think she does feel he should stay at the home). I'm not sure I'm prepared yet in my head for DF to pass but the very logical part of me knows for him it would be so much better then the half life and suffering he is going through, but the emotional part is are we doing what he would want? The right thing etc. We have never been close he's not that sort of person so we have never talked about wishes even DM doesn't really know as he wouldn't discuss things like that with her which I think is where a lot of her worrying is coming from. We have (family) let him stay in the home where he has his things around him and familiar faces as that's kinder so hoping the Dr agrees and maybe is more candid with me asking direct questions

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

My nan has moved into the care home now. She is quite angry about it and is expecting us to stay with her all the time which is obviously not doable. The palliative team have said it's best to be honest with her but that's a hard thing to do 😢 She is very frail now but still battling on.

Sending love

@Nodancingshoes we told my mum that she was there until she got stronger/until the heating was fixed/until the weather was better.

She is alternating between begging us to take her home and blaming us for putting her in there. 😢 It's traumatizing for everyone - her and us. We actually had no choice about her going there, we never wanted it but her care needs are now beyond anything we can do. Apparently most people on her dosage of morphine are calm and sleepy but she is in distress which is awful.

That must be so difficult. When she says she wants to go home, it’s the whole situation she’s fighting against, she wants to be fit and well and have her previous life. I’m very sorry, sending hugs.

She needs a bigger dose and some midazolam and cyclizine.

Can you talk to the doctor?

I think I will do this - we want a calm, peaceful end of life for her but she is resisting it at every turn. She has always resisted being old - 99 is very very old!

Thanks @funnelfan I needed to hear this today.

@Nodancingshoes solidarity and I hope they can work out how to help her feel calmer and better.

@Nodancingshoes my DF initially kept asking to go home and it is really upsetting but he has settled now and it is very rare for him to ask, the last time was about a month ago on a day when he could speak but that was first time in months he had said anything like that. I think give it a little time and it will hopefully calm down

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I'm sorry to hear about your mum. Please be gentle with yourself now - don't stress the sadmin, it'll keep.

@Sharptonguedwoman sympathies for your situation, I know what it's like. I hope you're as OK as can be under the circumstances.

We are thinking there's not much time left now. She has slept almost all day today but at least she isn't in distress 😢

So sorry @Nodancingshoes

Thinking of you @Nodancingshoes

Hi everyone. I've binge read through all 2 threads, and would like to contribute, mainly to get this 'out there' ( and out of me, basically)

Firstly, thanks sooo much for being here. I found this thread by accident. Who'd have believed that a website for mums could expand so much that I'm now reading avidly about issues with elderly relatives/ neurodivergent partners ? I can truthfully say that emotionally and practically such forums/ books have helped me more than expensive counsellors.

Anyways...DM is 92. My DF died ages ago. I'm 68. I have 6 siblings . 2 live near to her. One acts as her carer ( a codependent relationship. My M fosters codependencies). Sorry, I can't call her (Darling M). She isn't . Especially to me. Unfortunately having siblings has been a deterrent towards cutting contact. And since she's realised she actively needs us, she's been acting 'nicer', which re awakens the Nice Girl training in me. Luckily I live 3 hours drive away, so I can avoid. And distance has made the heart grow ...harder.

To the present. She's just got home . Third break in 8 years. Hip screw. I visited a couple of weeks ago, and am going back tomorrow. Hoping to sort out her garden so she doesn't fall again. She'd apparently cancelled her alarm button, and the gardener. She'll start complaining about the carers, and sabotage anything put in place that could make DSis's life easier ( ps DSis has got a lot more boundaried. Good for her).
When I return home 3 days later I'll be shattered, because She'll try not to let my butt hit the chair, if at all possible.

It's the future I worry about. Carer DSis's daughter is emigrating. To a country that won't give visas to older people. DSis may well want to move elsewhere ( I don't know the details. Yet)
So, what will happen then ?
M has sabotaged any attempt to move to supported living. She can live where she is until she dies. She can't move in with anyone ( too long a story/ too outing). Everyone will fall out , she'll refuse ( this seems to be why she has had kids. To look after her. Her 2 remaining sisters are the same).
Unfortunately, she didn't seem to have factored in the part where it would have been sensible to have been nice to them. And strongly enough, no amount of cloying manipulation can hide the fact. Who'd have believed it ?