So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 3

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

Carrying on from our first two threads..
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

Did the Dr explain why they had called you in so urgently?

To be honest I suspect that may be my dad misinterpreting things and making more of what was actually a routine phone call to see if mum was available for the outpatient clinic. He always jumps to the worst possible result of anything, I should really have learnt to take it with a pinch of salt by now

there is a 1/10 chance that she has BC and part of the appointment was deciding whether she would have a colonoscopy to say for certain. That's not an option so they are going to do a ct instead

Does anyone else find they really struggle when they have a Break From It All to actually get anything done ?

im currently off for 18 days, DD broke up on the 6/7. So no school run, no work, no running around after parents so much as I'm not working and going past them every day.

I've got a massive list of things I want to do but I just can't focus. I've been wondering why. And it's occurred to me this afternoon that it might be because I'm so used to being constantly running on my way to the next thing that my brain just can't cope with 14 hours free to get on with I want to do. So far I've barely managed any of the more "project like" jobs. All I can manage is the cleaning, cooking, quick errands etc. but I seem unable to actually motivate myself. I've had no problems decluttering though, it seems to help me mentally.

dh is working endless overtime and I feel so guilty every day when he is working so hard. He asks me what I've been up to and I usually try and find something other than "Mumsnet, playing the piano and doing nothing wishing I could motivate myself" as it's just so pathetic.

does anyone else find themselves completely unable to actually function when they actually have some sustained time ? We still have 13 days left until the resolution of DHs work situation so still very much in limbo with no money really to spend on doing anything until hopefully it is all dismissed on the 31/7

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I have been off work since last Thursday and have felt restless the whole time - not getting anything done really and not being able to settle.
It's been a terrible day - I wonder if Nans distress could be terminal agitation? I always hoped she would have a quick, peaceful death but that is obviously not going to happen.

In your circumstances @Nodancingshoes thats totally understandable, you are in a highly stressful position and it's to be expected that all your focus is on your granny at the end of her life. If your are thinking you can focus on other things too you are definitely expecting far too much of yourself xx

I meant more for those of us with settled situations where we have a brief break from the daily grind

Yes, i am like that but i found during some CBT that my anxiety manifests by having thought paralysis and being overwhelmed, which means i don’t do anything. But you wouldn’t know to look at me, you’d just think I was having a lazy day. I work full time and see my mum on Sundays, which is an all day thing once I’ve factored in travelling, so Saturdays are the only day of the week I can actually do anything for me. It’s a successful day if i get showered, dressed and eat at normal times. DH and I will usually go out for a walk for a couple of hours which i don’t think he realises is the highlight of the week for me.

Like @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew, decluttering and tidying helps me if I can force myself, just “doing” helps break through the paralysis and feeling of being overwhelmed.

Not even doing any of my hobbies when I get the chance was causing me more anxiety, so I’ve put them all away for the moment until I get my mojo back.

i think I’m going to have to ask the GP for medication because I can’t go on like this.

I think I've posted about this before, but we had the imaginary bowel cancer situation @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew - DM was convinced that the GP had told her she had bowel cancer and however many times I would tell her it was just a referral for tests she wouldn't believe me, and ironically I actually had cancer at the time, that I hadn't yet told her about so I was having to support her for her imaginary cancer while I was getting no support from my real one. She was fine probably also piles!

I also struggle getting things done in spare moments, but I think it's more because I just feel as though I deserve a rest instead because I'm bloody knackered.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew I get that. I've named it lethargic inertia. Just an all together "can't be arsedness" attitude but I so want to get things done. If I have, say 3 hours, available to me I run through a mental list of things that I 'should' do and things that I 'could' do. By the time I've run through those lists scrolled through MN/news/FB/Instagram I could have done some of the should's/could's. Then I beat myself for being lazy (and then eat something to feel better). Vicious cycle. 🙄

FIL actually did had prostate cancer and in the end DH had to go with him to every appointment because he just panicked and heard "blah cancer blah blah aggressive blah blah spread to your bones blah blah need chemotherapy" when the doctor had actually said " it is cancer but it's not aggressive and it hasn't spread to your bones or anywhere else so you don't need chemotherapy"

I'm quite LC with my Mum because of various reasons (lying about putting my Dad into his current, awkwardly located care home on a 'temporary' basis when she clearly had no intention of moving him, slagging me off behind my back when I was spending a lot of time travelling to visit, repeated and continued attempts to make everything as melodramatic and emotionally charged as possible).

I've just had a message off her saying she enjoyed visiting another relative and had transferred a small amount for my two kids to spent on holiday (she does this to force me to acknowledge the message) and that "it's very miserable living on your own sometimes."

So fucking sick of the guilt tripping on top of everything else!

@SierraSapphire We had something similar with my Mum and my sister. DS had cancer except at first I think DM saw this as competition for attention and just kept amping up the melodrama with my Dad. She made a big fuss of how she'd told my Dad, who can't speak, move, see and we're not sure how much he understands now and they "cried together".

Later on this progressed to her deciding to phone around members of the extended family with updates without asking my sister. She told my aunt that the cancer "wouldn't respond to chemo" when actually the surgeon had said that it had a really good chance of being successfully treated with surgery. That sort of thing.

It's really shit. DS only told her so DM wouldn't expect her to visit for a while, but then DM tried to get her to visit anyway, even although she'd said she couldn't drive...

Thank you @Projectme - lethargic inertia is a good description and solidarity to those of us with this struggle, especially @funnelfan who is a superhero

Like @SierraSapphire it resonates with me that I just need a rest in any time I have ‘spare’. But it’s so hard to get to the end of the weekend and feel like I wasted a few ‘spare’ hours and didn’t do all the things I need to get done before work takes over my time.

I feel a bit of a fraud right now because DF seems stable not sane though at the moment and I’m limiting visits in the hope he settles into the nursing home which is keeping him stable. Obviously it’s just as well because I need the time to deal with all the admin slave calls about services and funding.

@FiniteSagacity that's exactly how I feel, there are so many things in our home that desperately need doing, many incomplete projects that Dh has started but at the moment cannot finish due to being at work all the time. I so badly want them to be done but just lack any ability to start anything more complex than emptying the dishwasher

I am definitely a rabbit caught in the headlights at the moment. My house is severely neglected and even though I have loads of things I want to do I am constantly on edge waiting for a phone call and can't settle to do anything.

We visited mum yesterday and it was a lovely positive time with my uncle telling us stories about their childhood she had deteriorated in the 48 hours since we last saw her. She was in a really deep sleep and didn't respond to us at all. She's not eating and drinking and doesn't even respond when she is washed or changed.

We're going back again this morning just in case on some level she knows we are there.

While we were with mum yesterday we had a long chat with the nurse (away from the bedside) and they now have the drugs for end of life. She's not had any of her meds for days and no food or water.

We're visiting every day along with other family and friends.

I have arranged with the home that if she dies in the night they won't ring me until 8 a.m. because there is nothing I can do although I will get there straight away if she is agitated and they think I can help.

My biggest anxiety is breaking the news to everyone - DH and I will have to tag team our way through the DC and extended family.

Oh @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere sending hugs. Do try and get some rest. With telling people, can you ask say one cousin to pass the info on to another couple of family? We did that with dm…. Told the most important people in person then delegated beyond. People always want to help and gives them a job to do. 🌺🌺

Thanks @thesandwich. There are not as many people to tell as when my DF died. My cousin lost her own DF just a few weeks ago so I don't want to put any more on her than she is already carrying - she takes me to visit every day and we sit and wait together. I was talking to her just now and she said that we only need to worry about the people who have taken the time to visit and keep in touch and when someone is 87 they don't have a huge number of friends left. My biggest upset will be telling my kids (all married, all moved out) but I might delegate that to DH - although to be fair if they see his number come up on their phones they will know what has happened.

Newcomer to this thread. Mum in care home, been in care 7 years. There is nothing of her left.

I truly don't understand why people are like this. I am hearing impaired and my hearing aids are a life saver.
My mum won't wear hers as she says all the people in her care home spout rubbish. They have dementia and she's now wrong but she has dementia as well.

I guess it's like me and some of my friends not wanting to start wearing glasses full time. I want to stave off looking middle aged for as long as possible.

It took me a long time to realise that what they want is you. Your time and your house. We lived with Granny 1 until she died, few years later we got Granny 2 till she died. My mother said she'd never do it to us-then my father died and she couldn't believe we weren't offering her a home.
We weren't on the doorstep, had full time, full on jobs and unsuitable houses. My capable, competent, feisty mother refused to get on the bus and go to Tesco and get a taxi home. We had to take her. Time, it's always time.

My lovely mum passed away yesterday afternoon. When we arrived her breathing was very laboured and noisy. We'd been there half an hour or so when she opened her eyes and gasped then slowly relaxed and there was no more breathing. It was another hour or so before her heart stopped but we sat holding her hand, singing, talking to her, we tucked her up in a blanket she had from my children with their photos on it and the words "a very special hug goodnight".

The staff were all lovely, coming in to say goodbye and hugging and crying. We're going back tomorrow to clear out her things and plan to go back in a couple of weeks time with cake to say goodbye to the friends we made there.

We're not having a funeral, mum hated them and didn't even attend my dad's or her parents', so she would be delighted to know she isn't having one. We will have a thanksgiving celebration at some point in the future.

So I'll be checking out of here and wishing the best to all of you as you accompany those you love on their long journey.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere im so very glad you were with your dm at the and that it was peaceful. You have been an amazing daughter to her.
From a fellow graduate of the cockroach caff, look after yourself. 🌺🌺🌺🌺

Mum is not having a funeral, does not have anything to leave other than clothes and niknaks but there is so much sorting to do. I honestly don't know how anyone does it all.

I'm very sorry for your loss @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

but I'm glad you were all with your mum and that her end was peaceful.