I blame Escape to the Country!

[Mini712]

Is anyone else in the same situation?

My parents retired 12 years ago & decided to retire to Dorset. At the time, I was pretty upset that they were moving away from me and my young family but accepted their decision.
During those 12 years they have had an amazing retirement, living in a beautiful part of the country and travelling the world with fancy holidays & cruises galore! But more recently their health has started to fail so they can’t do as much anymore and Mum in particular is feeling a bit isolated which as meant they now want to see us more. They come and stay with us regularly(usually for at least a week!) every other month but we live 3 hours away so we can’t just pop in for a cup of tea.
I am now feeling guilty as I don’t want them to feel lonely but also resentment as it wasn’t me that moved in the first place!
Last saw them 2 weeks ago when they stayed with us for a week but now getting pressure from Mum to see them over Easter. Should I cave in and see them even though I had planned to spend Easter with hubby & sons?

By the way I have a brother but he rarely calls them, let alone visits or has them to stay

Any thoughts would be appreciated ❤️

@Mum5net · Today 11:23

Going forward and trying to be pro-active, I wonder if the good people at Age Concern have come up with a template for those with faraway family members that can be filled in ahead of the inevitable crisis?

So the next time any of us head to the faraway home we get them to fill out the name of a local person to contact in case of hospital admission, or the person who will accompany them, to appointments, facilitate OT visits or transport them home...

And who is going to do this? I know a few older/elderly people around me (neighbours,) and whilst I say 'hello' and 'cold for the time of year isn't it?' when I see them, like hell would I be anyone's designated 'person to accompany them to appointments,' and give them regular lifts, and do shopping for them et al...

This is stuff FAMILY should do, and if you have moved away from family, then you cannot expect random neighbours to replace them/give regular help that family would be likely to do. If someone decides to move away from their young adult DC, and they find themselves unable to drive and get to places themselves, that's tough. They made their bed. They will have to get taxis and online food shops.

If you made the decision to move 4 hours+ drive from your family, well, you only have yourself to blame if you are stranded. More people need to think ahead/think things through, before turning fantasy places to live into a reality. A reality that is a stark reality if things in life/your health takes a turn for the worse.

I have done my share of caring. Looked after 2 kids for over 20 years, and also nursed my parents, as well as doing chores for them, (and shopping,) and driving them around to appointments at hospital and the GP and the like... for the last 7-8 years of their lives (whilst my brother did fuck-all to help.) I am not volunteering to help elderly and infirm neighbours. Nor will I look after anyone's children - only my own grandchildren.

I am also dismayed to see the amount of posters on here who said their brother did fuck-all to help their elderly/infirm parents. And even on the rare occasions they visited, they were treated like a Prince. It happened with my brother too, and many women I know had the same. Perfect fucking Prince of a brother who could do no wrong. Yet he never lifted a finger to help anyone or do anything for anyone. It was always me. And I never got a word of thanks. Funny how all the 'caring duties' fall to the females in the family!

I know a young woman right now, who has just moved into a large 4 bed home with her husband, and they have 2 bathrooms, and en suites in 2 of the bedrooms. Her husband's nan has been diagnosed with alzheimers, and her husband's aunt (who lived with the nan, and looked after her for the past 3-4 years,) died a week or so ago. The family's eyes are on this young woman I know (and her husband) to take the woman in, as they have 3 spare bedrooms. No-one else has 3 spare rooms. Several family members have 1 spare room, but say they need that for grandkids/visitors etc....

Anyway, HE is out at work all day - and she works from home. So it's very clear who will be expected to look after the nan. HER, not him. She is digging her heels in and saying NO, and the wider family on her husband's side are side-eyeing her, for refusing (as HE said 'yeah maybe..' ) SHE has vetoed it, and is now being called unkind and mean.

She is a 27 year old young career woman, who doesn't have the skills or training to look after an 80 year old woman with advanced alzheimers. And what's more, she WORKS 40 hours a week. (And often goes on work trips for 2-3 days.) She can't just pull herself away from her work/her office to care for, run around after, appease, and pacify 'nan' who needs proper full time care.

...

There seemed to be more recognition in the past that when you moved far away, visits would be infrequent.Or even non-existent.

After my grandmother moved overseas when she got married she only returned to visit the UK three times - the first was only a few years after she left to deal with some family business, the last time in her late 60s (the only time she went by plane rather than ship.)

It was a big deal to travel, and even phone calls were poor quality and expensive.

There is an illusion now that the world is smaller. And yes, tech means we can skype and text message, and (for now) travel is pretty cheap, and faster. But the world isn't really smaller and when push comes to shove, distance still will make a differernce.

100% agree @TempestTost ^

Fortunately my 2 adult DC live 20-25 minutes drive away from us, and it's nice having them this distance. Would be wonderful if they were 20-25 minutes WALK away, but you can't have everything. This distance is OK!

@SabreIsMyFave My parents moved 1hr further away at 74 when my DM had mild dementia and my DF, their only driver, had diminishing mobility. They wouldn’t need our help. Next month we can finally sell their home - 18 years later. They led us a merry dance for over two decades by not recognising or facing up to their frailty. No POA either.
There are some wonderful posts on this thread… hundreds of vivid descriptions of similar situations up and down the country populate these pages. All we can do is our best to break the cycle.

And who is going to do this? I know a few older/elderly people around me (neighbours,) and whilst I say 'hello' and 'cold for the time of year isn't it?' when I see them, like hell would I be anyone's designated 'person to accompany them to appointments,' and give them regular lifts, and do shopping for them et al...

I totally agree with this. I like my neighbours, they seem nice but I barely know them apart from a cordial hello. I'm afraid there is no way I could take on regular tasks for them. More than happy to water their plants if away as it's temporary but I'm too busy to commit to looking after them and where does it end? I have elderly neighbours all around me, if I did it for one, I'd end up doing it for about 4 different people. I cant commit to that!

I know we'll have trouble ahead. We have a neighbour, no family, getting on. Apparently we are his in case of emergency. Which I wouldn't mind but we haven't had an honest conversation about his expectations, our plans (what if we move) and his potential estate which is quite likely to be small, really loved and tricky to dispose of (niche interest).

My in-laws had an elderly neighbour who was the neighbour from hell for 25 years. No one would investigate or step onto her property, that was one for the authorities to finally discover.

Thanks for this thread OP. It's helping me think through moving and downsizing. With only one son to help out, it's sobering to consider how we would be totally dependent on the kindness of strangers if DH indulges his preference for rural isolation. Fine as long as you both drive, have capacity etc.

Yes I agree, and would also like to thank you for this thread. It has led to a good few conversations over the last few days here too.

I hate that stupid escape to the country programme too, with their notions, but still continue to watch it!

Ah yes, enter the new hero of the social care system ‘the neighbour’!

I used to visit an elderly neighbour when I was at home on maternity leave and visited him once in hospital too. I once phoned the care team to ask for more support, when his health suddenly declined and his partner was not sure what to do. But that was at a time in my life when I had time on my hands. With a small baby, I wouldn’t have been able to commit to being an emergency contact or collecting him from hospital, let alone providing any actual care.

I don’t know what the solution is but living far away from family really doesn’t help matters.

I’ve been the ‘neighbour’ but she fell out with us spectacularly and we don’t speak at all now. She did it, we think, to try and get her sons attention, to agree to let her move close to him. Neither has happened. He’s certainly not interested in helping which was always obvious and he will stick her in a home if she needs help.

Ive seen her try and build relationships with other neighbours who she had ignored for decades or are young and not interested. She tried to get the young guy opposite do odd jobs for her that DH did, you can see he avoids her now. If you haven’t built relationships previously you can’t call on them.

They should put their own boundaries in place too. If I'm going to the supermarket and they don't need physical help with their shopping, I don't mind if they tag along. But they can fit in with me when I'm going anyway. That can be dangerous! My Dad could take 2 hours doing his shop.

This is stuff FAMILY should do What if there is no family? Or should they have had children in preparation for old age?

Another thing about moving to rural areas (at least in the US state I live in) is that if you move to a different ( ie 'cheaper') area or state, when the time comes that you need or want to move back/nearer your DC you may not be able to afford to do so.

This happened to a friend of my cousin's. She moved from suburban So Cal to 'out in the (cheaper) Arizona desert'. When she wanted to move back nearer her DC she could no longer afford to buy in the area she left, property prices had risen so high. She did make money from the sale of her 3 bed 2 bath desert house, but not enough for the big downpayment to make a mortgage affordable, so it's going to help pay the exorbitant rent on a tiny 1 bed flat.

Not the US but my parents are in the same position. Houses closer to amenities cost more than houses in rural areas. They can't sell and afford to buy closer to town. They are stuck where they are.

It's not even fine if you both drive. One day if one of you is alone and reliant on carers, the further away from civilization you are the greater the likelihood that your carer won't make it there if it snows/floods etc. Same if their car breaks down and they're left having to cancel half their clients and get the bus to the rest, guess who's getting cancelled? It's not the people in the town centre block of flats opposite the bus station. Theoretically the agency should send someone else, same as they would if the carer was on holiday or off sick. In reality though that doesn't always happen. Making complaints about neglect etc after the event doesn't change the fact it's happened. Not having effective access to sufficient care then increases the chances of you needing to go into a care home. If living in the town is your idea of hell and the countryside is worth an earlier death from potential neglect or worth the increased risk of s care home, that's your choice. But if you're actually quite contented in the town, moving out to live the countryside dream for a few years in retirement maybe isn't worth it.

This is stuff FAMILY should do What if there is no family? Or should they have had children in preparation for old age?

Then they need to contact adult social care and tell them they need help.

The kindness of strangers is a lovely concept but it's not one you should rely on as your only plan for the future as what if all your neighbours are also elderly and frail? Where my nan used to live- her neighbours both sides were also elderly and had mobility issues, she lived in a road/area which was very popular with older people who were retired.

My parents' neighbour has started mowing the grass verge outside the front of their property (not that huge land behind their house though). They are taking this as confirmation that the community is going to look after them. There's a far cry between mowing a small strip and undertaking care and significant driving tasks! Again, I think they are going to have to learn this the hard way.

Oh goodness- they are probably in for a bit of a shock!

This is stuff FAMILY should do What if there is no family? Or should they have had children in preparation for old age?
**
Then they need to contact adult social care and tell them they need help.

This is such an interesting & useful discussion. the problem is, as we all know, social services is in pieces. There aren’t the numbers of Paid carers we need for lots of different, social care has been cut to the bone and then some. Ironically research shows that whilst it’s absolutely people without adult children who rely on paid for help via social services the most, they also find it harder to access because they don’t have adult children phoning social services and advocating for them relentlessly so they get help. We have a huge issue coming over the horizon as 20% of people over 50 don’t have any adult children so the unpaid care and organising provided mostly by adult daughters/DIL just won’t be there. Government utterly oblivious to this & carrying on as if everyone has adult children to rely on

I'm hoping that my parents not having anyone to rely on gets them higher up the list for help priority.

Governments know full well what the issue is and how to address it. They also know that voters increasingly don't want to provide care from within the family but also don't want to pay for it themselves or from "inheritances".

Remember the "dementia tax"? It wasn't the model I'd have chosen but it was a model of funding for care when needed in old age. It was massively unpopular with voters who presumably thought the money was going to drop from heaven like manna.

This is such an interesting & useful discussion. the problem is, as we all know, social services is in pieces. There aren’t the numbers of Paid carers we need for lots of different, social care has been cut to the bone and then some

Totally agree! and its only going to get worse as life expectancy is rising. It's very concerning. If SS find out a neighbour is helping they will try to palm literally everything on to that person to avoid having to pay for their care so its another reason why neighbours need to be very careful about their involvement as they may well end up with being pressured into taking on more than they bargained for.

Was it actually unpopular with voters, or was it one of these things which is drummed out of the running by spin and relentless publicity? My memory was that it died before the voters had any real chance to express their views. And wasn’t there a “death tax” from the opposing party which met the same fate?

My MiL moved to a suburban area when her children were teenagers, lots of similarly aged families then but over time they moved for one reason or another but she stayed and eventually she was at least 25 years older than everyone else. The bus services were reduced, the corner shop failed and she was marooned. Her neighbour had three children and did help when she could but she worked and had a busy life. Even suburban areas can be tricky as things change.

One of the things DH I have talked about is not moving away from our doctors/local hospital.
He has a complicated illness and then cutting those links could be disastrous, he has good care here and a good GP.

I thought life expectancy had started to fall or at least wasn't increasing in the last few years? Either way with assisted death seeming ever more likely I can't see it carrying on increasing as it once did.