Mum needs showers but Dad wants his bath, how to compromise?!

[laundryelf]

Social services offered to fit a wet room shower after DMs' hip operation but DDad refused as his morning routine of bath every day is essential apparently. It's been difficult but now Mum has been diagnosed with untreatable cancer and they have recommended wet room again. Ddad still won't agree and DM won't go ahead without agreement. I am frustrated with it and worried about DM using shower over bath and falling asleep she ets increasingly frail or just not washing properly. Is there another option? The bathroom is very small and they don't have much money.

Your Dad is being incredibly selfish. Can't you have a word with him and point this out to him. It's his wants against your Mum's needs. If he loves her he'd just get the wet room.

Thanks everyone, apologies I didn't check properly before I posted, ignore the falling asleep it's falling whilst climbing in and out of bath to have a shower I am concerned about.

Yes, DDad always has been a difficult person to deal with and seems to be getting worse with age. He thinks the occupational health people are exaggerating the need for the bath to be replaced by walk in shower/wet room. I would like to see if they would have a straight talk with Ddad directly about DM's needs but not sure how to arrange it, he would just leave the room. I live some distance away. There may also be ,as @mitogoshi suggests an element of why have disruption now for what might be short term need. Although he's older than DM so may not be able for climbing in/out bath himself soon.

Washing at the sink is okay for now but not long term as DM cancer progresses she will be unstable when standing and she does feel it's not a proper wash.
Thanks for the suggestion of shampoo caps.

Your father is abusing your mother by refusing to accommodate her verified needs.

Has he always been selfish and abusive? I can see why your mother has just acquiesced and is now facing the prospect of topping and tailing at the sink if so.

I would be very strict with your father and just get SS or whoever to remove the bath and install a shower that both of them can use. He is a selfish man to dig his heels in so that HE is the only one getting what he wants. Not on at all.

It is a difficult issue, but that man needs to be told what to do for quality of life of your Mum. He won't be able to use a bath much longer anyway as you say. It is ridiculous that Mum has to wash at the sink while he luxuriates in a bath. Surely SS or OT can see that is not on long term for her health and well being.

I am very cross about your selfish Dad, even though we are only strangers on the internet.

Agree with everyone saying your dad needs to be told in no uncertain terms. How self centred. He's obviously used to ruling the roost. It's your mum's turn now - she doesn't need any extra problems right now, does she?!

Sorry that she - and you - are having to go through all this OP. It's hard.

Can you find out what he hates about showers? If it's the cold, make sure the bathroom is kept very warm and the shower has a good flow. If you're standing there with one shoulder under the shower and the other sticking out into a cold room, it can be miserable.

A bath lift would be well worth looking at
OT can supply free if suitable
I tried the Bella Vita bath lift which was great ( sadly my bath too small)
It lowers, rises and reclines with a remote control
I have just had an amazing wet room fitted with a grant
I'm sorry your DM is so unwell

With the wet room flooring, it is anti slip( but non slip in reality) I have Altro which is the usual brand
My bathroom was surveyed first and levelled for optimal drainage and there are no puddles left after use

Isn't it shocking that sh!tty selfish men will still be sh!tty and selfish even when you are frail and facing cancer .

Please advocate for your poor mum . The least she deserves is to be clean and comfortable in her final years .

You can reassure him there will be a seat in the shower so he doesn't need to stand up (in case he is worried about this).

He's being very selfish.

I tell your father that he needs to get a wet room instead of the bath because your mother needs this now.
I tell him as well that at his age it safer to have a wet room than a bath. Ask him what happens if he had a fall now getting in or out of a bath? Tell him your mother is not able to help him in this situation. I would also tell him he can have a special chair to sit on in the wet room.

If he refuses to have this done tell him tell him your going to ring all of his family and friends tell them how selfish he is being. If you have a elderly cross aunt tell her what's going on and she given him an earful.

I tell him if he does not do this that your mother will have to move to a nursing home and he will be paying for this as your mother needs some comfort at this stage of her life.
Tell him as well if this happens you won't be providing any care for him in the future that means no lifts to doctors and hospital appointment, no sorting things out and no help from you to stay in this house long term.
Let him see that his days of been this way are over.

A walk in bath is the solution but I don't think your mum should have unsupervised baths. Can put a chair in. My parents replaced a bath with walk in shower, not wet room.

Walk in baths are incredibly expensive though and personally I think DM should come first
DM can have a shower chair and handgrips and anything else free in a wet room and mine took just over a week to install
It's DF's attitude which needs to change
The shower caps are called Nil Aqua and they also do " shampoo" in a bottle
Both are good

Is there any other room that could be turned into a bathroom for your mother?

Wet rooms are shit. I would hate one, and I do not necessarily trust that the council would do a great job. My grandfather took baths all his life, and I would not have left him without one in his later years - elderly people do not always adapt well.

While I really do sympathise with your mum I think some people are being really harsh on your dad here calling him names. I have a condition where my joints are in constant pain, the only way I get any sleep is if I have a hot bath before bed. It would absolutely devastate me if someone took out my bath.
Can they afford a walk in bath or convert part of a bedroom as another bath or shower room?

@Multipleexclamationmarks did you not read the OP's post where she describes her father as a 'difficult person' who seems to be getting worse with age?

He's a contrary curmudgeon at best and an abusive dick at worst.

We don't know him. He may well be difficult and grumpy, he may be in pain too, he may be a dick. The point is we don't know and I think that calling complete strangers that we really know next to nothing about names is unhelpful.

We know exactly what the OP has told us. She lived with this man and has observed him for decades.

She hasn't mentioned pain, so quite honestly the attempt to see it from all possible angles comes across as gaslighting.

There is no reason a wet room would be any slipperier than a shower

You’d be devastated, I would too, I love my bath. But would you insist on keeping a bath at the expense of anyone else in the household who can’t bath?
It’s not that deep.

We have a wet room. It isn’t in the slightest bit slippery.