🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I'll have a look at the social prescribing, thanks! Community transport exists a bit but seems like it's fairly limited.

'it will be full of old people' as my 80 year old mum used to say 😂

This is a big part of the problem! My mum worked 30+ years in an old people's home and very much still thinks of herself as someone who looks after elderly people rather than one of them 😂

Sympathies. My dm wasn’t keen on old people- at 95+.
are there any U3A groups ? Lots going on there. Age uk may have ideas, also phoenix groups? Men in sheds? Local authority website may have info too.

My great gran used to talk about "the old people" when she was in her early 90s. But she was organising events and still a church choir stalwart.

My mum worked 30+ years in an old people's home and very much still thinks of herself as someone who looks after elderly people rather than one of them Can she not still do that? Our area has a voluntary group helping the elderly. The volunteers are in their 60s and 70s.

My dad moved to be nearer us when he was 83. He started working with the archivist of the local history society, joined CPRE and various other campaign groups, the local civic society, a local group trying to keep the library open, a local conservation group, and the local church where he met his current best friend.

So - if they have interests, push them in the direction of relevant local groups. If not, U3A. Also, unless violently atheist, try whichever local church has the best social life and coffee after the service.

Basically, if you can’t generate your own amusement, you need friends, and you’ll never make friends if you don’t get out there and start meeting people.

I've come to the conclusion over the years that sometimes dad just needs to vent. I have many outlets for my moaning (work, mil, Dh, dd, here) but Ddad only has me. Could it be that they are just using you as a venting opportunity ? I always looked for solutions until I had that " lightbulb" moment that maybe he just wanted to have a moan about how shit his life is and by trying to offer solutions and saying "oh it's fine" I was minimising that for him - which I would hate of DH did it to me.
so now when o know dad just wants to vent I think about what o would want DH to say to me in that scenario (you're doing an amazing job, you work so hard and nobody could do a better job, yes life is absolutely shit for you dad what can I do to help)
maybe your parents just need validation that their lives are a bit shit and restrictive now they are getting older

StiffyByngs I think you might be on to something. While mum was just about coping, one of my most successful tactics to get her to do or agree to anything was to ask her to help with invented problems 'oh no I've bought too much meat, shall we cook it up together and share it so it's not wasted'.... It's really important to feel useful as there is so much fear of being a burden (even though making her feel useful was often very burdensome to me 😂) Sometimes it's easy to forget how hard it must be to see your life getting so small.

And also [warming to my topic] I often just want to let off steam, without anyone making helpful suggestions about what I could do eg.

new shift pattern at work - I just want to moan because I hate the fact they're imposing it, I'm worried how it will impact me and I resent the organisation so much for what they are doing to Dh. I know I'll make it work cos I have no option. I don't need Dh telling me the ins and outs of union voting, we will solve it blah blah. I just want him to say " you are absolutely right. what a bunch of wanker bastards they are, I hope it fails and they all get sacked"

im too fat and i hate it - but I don't need your helpful suggestions thanks. I know every diet plan on the planet, what I lack is motivation

probably your parents know what they could do, they just don't have the energy and want you just to agree with them and offer sympathy. I have always felt that we forget that The Elderly are just people that have got old, with all their hopes, fears, experiences and emotions just like the rest of us. I know I often forget it. My dad likes to be asked advice, wants to be seen as the expert so should I be surprised he doesn't want to be told what to do ? I don't !

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew you are heard. Here’s some 🍷

I totally agree that we all just want to moan without solutions and it's annoying when people try and help when you just want them to sympathise.

However, and I am definitely projecting here! if your parents complain they are lonely it has an undertone of criticism that it's YOUR fault, you aren't visiting them enough. And that makes it hard!

new shift pattern at work - I just want to moan because I hate the fact they're imposing it, I'm worried how it will impact me and I resent the organisation so much for what they are doing to Dh. I know I'll make it work cos I have no option. I don't need Dh telling me the ins and outs of union voting, we will solve it blah blah. I just want him to say " you are absolutely right. what a bunch of wanker bastards they are, I hope it fails and they all get sacked" Yes - because when someone gives you suggestions, the underlying message is “it’s all your own fault, if you’d have done this, it wouldn’t have happened”.

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew It took me years to work that out, mum wanted a good moan but didn't want anything to change. Up to my moment of revelation I'd spent countless hours researching solutions, finding details of every interest group she could get to, including bus numbers, looking for things that existed that would solve her problems. When she rejected all my suggestions it felt that she was rejecting me. Every time was the same but I kept on going. One day I realised that she didn't want solutions, she just wanted me to listen. After that she got what she wanted, I saved all the research time and I didn't feel rejected. Wins all round.

Cat posted too soon. I was going to add, probably because I’m my father’s daughter, I’m really bad at sympathy, always wanting to solve problems instead. I envy those who understand apparently instinctively what others need. It’s a long hard slog for me.

@Knotaknitter I was the same with my DM, always trying to sort out the things she complained about. Then I read in one of the threads here that often people just need to vent and aren't looking to you for advice/solution. Like you I started to just listen - agreeing that things were rubbish etc. It made life much less fraught.

My DM is semi-conscious in hospital. I don't think she's going to survive more than a couple of days. I'm very sad today.

@Knotaknitter yes, because at last she felt you understood her problem, instead of saying (implicitly) “that’s not a problem, it can be solved like this”. Other side of coin is someone wants solutions, and sympathy makes their problem seem even worse than they thought.

Then some people welcome “I know what you mean, I had that problem too”, it makes them feel less alone, whereas other people understand it as you playing top trumps. People are bloody difficult!

@MissMarplesNiece

@MissMarplesNiece I hope you have someone to hug you.

reading posts pros and cons, sympathy or solutions. It’s hard and when solutions aren’t obvious.

I was bought up by DM whose answer was always ‘you have two arms and two legs’ be grateful. I never ever felt able to talk about any worries, health issues etc. I became her listener when DD left over an affair whilst he decided who he wanted to be with! He came back. DD thinks he is a good listener and someone to go to with problems! He lost my trust there and then - I was 17. He left my DM again just after I had given birth and again I was the emotional support to DM who just wanted to shout about it, him and her. But they stayed together.

I have never forgiven DD, which is why I find it hard that DSis only sees DM being difficult and tough, & not how selfish DD can be.

DH has fusspot DM, says ‘love you’ after every conversation (before Dementia took hold in a big way). when MiL met with my DM she would fuss over her and I could see my DM getting annoyed by it, but keeping quiet. I would often say to MiL, ‘we don’t do fuss’ and she would say ‘nor do I’…. She couldn’t see it, maybe others are more like her and my family are the odd ones. I think MiL was hoping I would be more her….

@Juneday
That's exactly what I used to get told! I once moaned a bit that the sunburn on my legs hurt. DM's response was 'just be grateful you've got legs at all' 😂 Which I've always remembered partly because I was a clueless kid and she should maybe have pointed out early doors that it was a bit stupid of me to be out in the sun all day with no protection (or factor 2 coconut oil) 😂

@SeriouslyAgain glad to hear I wasn’t the only one.😁 I suspect someone used to say it to DM, which being a child during the war made more sense!

My mum was much the same. Everything was get outside for some fresh air and you'll be fine.

Which isn’t wrong, really - most of the old advice is spot on (get some fresh air, a good night’s sleep, drink more water)… my DM was like this too. But now that she’s older she won’t follow her own advice… Her
body clock is upside down and she’d rather get up at midday and warch Escape to the Country than go for even a short walk. Maybe I need to just listen too… I find that very hard!

I’ve been lurking reading everyone’s updates and the emotional rollercoasters, my heart goes out to many of you.

I’m pulling up a chair and bringing chai tea lattes and chocolate brownies.

DF has had many falls, a trip to A&E this week and continues to be either bright and almost sane (always brightens for nurse visits) or very confused (thinks he’ll go to prison for sending an email and won’t sleep for worrying). DF continues to be very self-neglectful if there’s no one with him, which is so stressful and means my siblings have shared having him to stay. I do admin as DH will not have DF here for many reasons.

We haven’t been able to get a care assessment because we’re between a rock and a hard place (no one is in the same borough as his house) so we’re looking at self-funded sheltered housing with carers that might not be enough support, won’t be affordable unless he agrees to sell his house, but might get him his own address where LA has a duty of care.

DF seems to be oblivious to how much impact he is having on everyone else’s lives, totally time blind and no understanding that magic faeries aren’t going to be able to fix it so he can go back to his home.

It’s all such a mess and he’s so frail and his existence is so miserable for him, let alone anyone he stays with. But posts here have given me a new perspective on how he may be feeling.

Really will try to listen when I spend the afternoon with DF tomorrow and let him talk.

I do find the moaning without acting on a solution hard to deal with. It's partly because DM won't bother anyone else with it, just me. And partly I end up absorbing all my child's woes as well, plus all the people who work for me!

@FiniteSagacity It's such a fine line between listening, letting them talk, genuinely respecting what they want; and just having to treat them like children because you can see that they're setting themselves up for failure and that then their lives will be even more miserable. I've never got the balance right.

@MissMarplesNiece thinking of you 🌺🌺

@SeriouslyAgain I hear the treating like children and struggling with the balance. But I must talk less and listen more.

At this point DF presents as having (some) capacity - so harder work than a toddler or a teenager as he’s still the senior adult. But what DF wants is self-destructive and he sees it as enjoying what time he has left.