🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Ah, found you all! I got lost after the old thread so I've just been catching up with the posts - definitely some recurring themes.
It's all ok here at the moment. Prodigal brother has been in contact with DM and even made an exceptional visit which delighted her. Unfortunately she just couldn't resist the urge to give him a lengthy list of things she wanted him to sort out while he was there - so I doubt he'll be back again for a while.

@IoWfairy at least those jobs won't be on your list (assuming he did them and didn't just flee)

@countrygirl99 he did a couple of tasks of his choice, not the ones that DM really wanted or I consider were important. I’m grateful for those, but the tedious ones have bounced back to me - along with DM moaning about it.

Typical!

Can I please pull up a chair? I'm a gardener and a lot of my customers are elderly. I love them,they are great, although sometimes I feel that I'm more of a social service ( tea drinking & chatting with them) than a gardener. But if it makes them happy, I'm happy.
Yesterday,I went to work for Mr X,who has a huge house and garden. Shortly after I arrived,he came to inform me that some men were going to pressure wash the drive,so I might need to move my car. Alarm bells started ringing. I asked if they'd just turned up,knocked in the door and offered to do it. Yes,he announced. I asked if they'd given him a business card or anything with a landline number on. Yes,there was a flyer,no landline. I go around the front to investigate and just let them know that I'm there. Two Irish gentlemen and a young lad,all very charming,had a quick chat with them to just let them know that I'd be around. Go back to Mr X, and ask him if he's agreed a price with them,yes he had,he'd got a good deal. They wanted cash,but he said it was bank transfer or a cheque,they balked at bank transfer. I told Mr X that it was a good job he hadn't agreed to pay cash as it was a very bad idea to let anyone know that you keep large amounts of cash in the house. I asked if his daughter ( whom I also work for)was on holiday). If she wasn't I'd have got on the phone to her,but she's away and I wasn't going to worry her when she's 1000's of miles away.
As he's of sound mind and not my relative,there was nothing I could do,but I did say that if I was still there when they wanted paying,to shout me and I'd be there with him,as there is an old trick if agreeing a price,doing a job,then wanting ££££ for it with threats if you don't comply. I didn't want to cast aspersions,but neither did I want him being ripped off. He said that was fine,and that the men had wanted to to onto his roof and pressure wash that,but he'd said no.
The day wore on,the men were very polite and friendly,but unfortunately I had to leave before they finished. As I collected my stuff, I looked up to see one of them on the roof. I shouted to ask if Mr X knew he was up there,and he said he did. I go around the front and see Mr X happily watching them on the roof. I asked him if he'd agreed,and he said 'in for a penny,in for a pound'. There was nothing more that I could do as I had to leave as I'd two appointments that I couldn't miss.
Probably it was totally fine, everyone has to earn a living,but how many times are elderly people told not to accept traders who just knock on the door?
I got to my first appointment,only to get a phone call from my sister,that she's had to take my dad to the drs,then the hospital as he's got suspected gallstones or infection. He's been kept in,so I'm going later today. DH has gone to see MIL 2.5 hrs drive each way,as she is 94 and poorly with a stomach upset. She's in a very nice nursing home,but keeps having mini strokes. I'm hoping DH doesn't bring the stomach bug back with him as I don't want to pass it on to my dad. Add to that,we have started lambing,so I will be working two jobs for the next 3 months with no days off.
Thanks for letting me unload here.

What a lot to deal with all at once! Will you be telling Mr X’s daughter when she’s back from holiday? Is pressure washing roofs actually a thing?

MereDintofPandiculation I certainly will. I'll be working for her a week on Monday,but might ring her before then. She knows that I look out for him,as I had to ring her before when he'd gone for his afternoon nap and left a candle burning unattended. I couldn't get in to blow it out as everywhere was locked.
I've been to see dad tonight,he looks so old and frail. It's hard to believe that he was at work with me on Monday,driving his tractor and rivetting sheep troughs. They think he's either got a gall bladder infection or gall stones,but a scan didn't show much,so he's got an MRI tomorrow to try and find out what is going on.
I want to go to bed,but I've got sheep to check at 10pm.

@Feckedupbundle good luck with the lambing - my grandparents were farmers and uncles too and I know they never found time to properly relax - or go to the drs! So I hope your father gets good care.

on the pressure washing drives, I had exact same last week, charming young man with gentle Irish accent - I immediately said thanks but no thanks. He said he was working for neighbours, he wasn’t. My 87 year old aunt has the same last year, she believed they were working for her neighbour and agreed a good cash price! Then her many neighbours, all n same cul de sac for years spotted what was going on and told the guys where to go. They got really foul language and threats of violence from the charming young men who did leave. My aunt was so embarrassed, particularly as she was newly widowed and proud of how well she had bern managing all the stresses of probate etc.

sadly it is never a good idea to agree to work this way, and paying cash means no proof, no come back and a real chance that due taxes aren’t paid, my aunt had a lucky escape. But I know a few who ended up failing for it, followed by, whilst I here I can fix those loose tiles etc etc.

As more of us go cashless the upside is less of this. 🤞🤞

Married couple, quite well off, money in investments, property, bank accounts, in joint names or one of the two names. If it looks possible one of them might need to go into care at some point, and earlier than previously envisaged, would they need to check each partner has roughly half the assets in their own name, so the whole lot doesn't go on care? I know it's a bit off topic but wanted to ask in this cafe as it can get nasty out there. Thought some of you might have some thoughts 😥

@PanettonePudding i believe they only take into account half the joint savings for these very reasons - if Maureen and Fred have 400k in savings Maureens assessment would be 200k because Fred may need funding for care as well

Hi, I've been lurking here a couple of weeks and relate to so much!

My own parents are in their 70s and living their best lives - it's the in-laws that are a very big issue and I am trying my best to support DH. Every time we keep thinking things are coming to a head it just drags on for longer and we feel no further forward at all.

We work full time and live 70 miles away from them, DH has two sisters, one a lot closer, but they are nowhere to be seen unless they want money. The PILs live in a 3 storey house which is completely unsuitable for them.

MIL has advanced Parkinsons but doesn't believe anything is wrong with her - she won't use walking aids and insists on going up and down the stairs- she's had several falls, the most recent was a week ago. Luckily nothing broken but a lot of bruising. She struggles to communicate, and likely has dementia- but social services are insisting she has capacity which we disagree with (and so do her carers). She currently has 4 care visits a day.

FIL has psychotic depression and was sectioned a couple of years ago, it had got to the point they were talking about palliative care as he was refusing to eat, but he managed to turn a corner with treatment and returned home after a few months in hospital- straight into a role of MIL's full time carer. He feels obligated and MIL expects it of him - so their days are spent with MIL sitting in her chair ordering FIL about, and FIL hovering over MIL constantly waiting for her to need something.

FIL's mental health is now back in a decline - not helped by the fact he hasn't been taking his medication properly. He is terrified of spending money on anything (they are not short of money) and keeps taking MIL's bank card off her. He is not able to make any decisions at all, and believes things in the house are broken or not working when it isn't the case. He worries about MIL and has been waking her up throughout the night to check she is still alive.

We have been visiting as often as possible and when not there DH is spending most of his life on the phone to various agencies just trying to get them to work together! We managed to get respite for MIL in care home close to their house last week, and after two days she insisted on going back home. Her social worker has managed to talk her round again and we have a place in a home further away this time - we have to attempt to get her there on Monday.

FIL is still in a spiral and HIS team are wanting him to return to hospital, preferably as an informal patient but if he refuses this then another section is very likely.

But at the moment - they are both still at home together and seemingly fucking up everything that DH manages to get put in place for them!

Power of attorney should be through for DH any day now which will help a lot - at least with FIL while they are still insisting MIL has capacity.

At the moment having either of them in some form of care - preferably both - is the goal!

@PanettonePudding if you look in Age U.K. website there is lots of accurate and useful info about funding. But in essence I think what has been said is likely about right. They can take all assets down to approx £23K of one person, then means test. Everyone gets left with £14k (if they have it). And the home with a spouse of other dependent lives there is excluded from assets. But also check if there is nursing funding or care allowance available.

My lovely dad died at 3am this morning. I'm shell shocked as last night he was talking about the next job he'd got planned and how he was going to do it. Multiple organ failure apparently.
I'm so sad,but incredibly glad that I had him in my life for so long and that he went quickly. For an active man,the thought of him slowly deteriorating and being unable to do the things that he loved would have been awful. He was 85 and at work Monday and Tuesday,and was out doing his shopping on Wednesday. Now he's gone.

@Feckedupbundle So sorry for the loss of your dad. He sounds like an amazing man and like he had a very gentle death

@PanettonePudding

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/financial-assessment/

@Feckedupbundle so sorry for your loss. My lovely sporty active Granma literally went to powder her nose and that was it. It took a while to sink in, as it was so unexpected - I was talking about her just last night.

I'm so sorry, @Feckedupbundle. As you say, it's good from his point of view that he was active and well virtually to the end, bit it does make it more of a shock for you.

@PanettonePudding we've just been looking into exactly these questions. All assets in the name of the person needing care are counted, half of any assets in joint names, and the house is disregarded until the second person moves out. Get LPAs sorted, if not already done.

Attendance allowance is not means tested, and is payable for someone who needs care at home or who is self funding in residential care. It's doesn't have to be spent on actual attendance by carers, it can be used for anything that make their life easier - cleaner, taxis, day centres, physio, gadgets, whatever.

It does appear to be worth splitting as soon as the assessment has been made. There was someone on this board who said the equivalent of - Maureen’s savings went down to £23k, Fred’s stayed at £200k, and LA said “oh! £223k - Maureen, you’ve still got £111500”

“As more of us go cashless the upside is less of this.” Sadly, there have been cases of the charming man doing the drive giving a helpful lift to the cash machine to draw out money. (Of course banks are doing their best to make it less easy to draw out cash). Good reason for PoA. “My son handles my money for me” means the job suddenly becomes too big to start today.

@Feckedupbundle So sorry. A good death, but that doesn’t lessen your loss one bit.

Thank you. It's going to be hard as we worked together,mine and my sister's houses are built on land that he generously gifted us, everything on the farm was either built or repaired by him at some point. I suppose that his memorial is all around us.
I went to see how my mum was earlier,she's doing ok,but seeing dad's wellies and waterproof trousers where he'd left them,ready for work then next day,really set me off.
My girls were devastated,but have decided that the best thing to do is go about their day. Dd1 has gone to work and DD2 is riding in her first British Eventing competition today. They know that their grandad was proud of them and would want them to mope around.

@Feckedupbundle I’m so sorry about your dad. He sounds an amazing person.
grief will hit you all in different ways.🌺

@Feckedupbundle so sorry for the loss of your lovely dad Xxx

It's awful how elderly people are so often victims to these ploys. My DM has full capacity and considers herself very savvy, yet has been caught by scammers posing as Amazon twice and also by someone posing as the bank's fraud squad. She just can't see these people aren't who they say they are, I've told her so many times to just put the phone down but she spoke to the 'bank' for over an hour! She also has a window cleaner whom she inherited from the previous owners and he's always finding lots of little gardening jobs he can do for her to 'help her out' which she doesn't seem able to say no to, all for easy cash. I was there the other day and she gave him £40 for cleaning 7 windows and removing a few leaves from her gutter. It's interesting, she's so submissive with these people yet really doesn't hold back with telling me or DD what she thinks. I'd like to persuade her to use your idea @Mere but she prides herself on being able to deal with things herself, which she clearly can't.

It might be worth encouraging them to join the local WhatsApp group, if there is one and they can work WhatsApp.

We have one for our section of the road and it seems to have rescued our very elderly neighbours a couple of times as it's very quick and easy to check with neighbours whether Person At The Door actually has done work for them.

They're not in the WhatsApp group but we also have the contact details for daughter of very elderly neighbours and have warned her before now if something appears amiss.