🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

my mother who would refuse to eat and drink as she wanted to die, until she started hallucinating through dehydration and a carer would ring 999. Ambulance crews would take her in, get a drip running and she’d recover. And repeat. Saw this on another thread. How can we be so cruel?

@user14929261 would you find it easier to say it’s” until you’re better?” How is her sense of time? Could you involve someone else- vicar, friend etc?

Just told the carer that she needs to speak to DB1 as I can't just drop everything because mum is having a down day. I'm not even working from home today so it would be 2 1/2 -3 hours before I got there anyway depending on trains back to home town. I'm going up tomorrow evening to top up her pivotell. DB1 is too far away to go round but he's retired so is more likely to have time for a chat - not that he ever bothers, he prefers to bark orders at me about what he thinks I should be doing.

quick dilemma for you all..
I saw a lovely sofa on FB marketplace, being sold by a local lady but it's clearly from their bridal showroom. I messaged her a few days ago but haven't heard anything. The listing was for 3 sofas and is still open. I did a bit of internet detective work and the photos on the fb listing are the same on their website so it's got to be the same sofa.
I messaged the chat option yesterday but no reply.
i really really want the sofa, it's £35 and gorgeous. Like really really want it for my spare bedroom refurb.
the bridal studio is open today. Will I look mad if I ring them ?

Mums utterly lovely GP is doing a home visit tomorrow (squeezed in on her way to work) to assess mum following the consultants suggestion for a DNR after she considered mum has lost her capacity to decide what medical treatment is best for her.

I’ve read what the nhs say https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/do-not-attempt-cardiopulmonary-resuscitation-dnacpr-decisions/ and I was just wondering if others have done something similar and if you have any thoughts or experience on whether a DNR, an ADRT or a Respect plan is appropriate?

Mum is 85, at home with 4x daily carers, just about managing. She spends all day in bed, cognitively she’s operating at a very basic level. Physically very frail, and she’s on medication for Parkinson’s with query Lewy Body Dementia and/or vascular dementia. But she seems happy enough in her own little bubble, and although frail she has no other ongoing physical health issues. Is it too early for a Respect Plan?

DB and I are aligned in wanting her final months/years to be safe, comfortable and dignified, which is also in line with her expressed views about ageing when we were all a lot younger. We are not wanting life-prolonging measures for the sake of it if her quality of life continues to decline. We’d far rather her end came due to the natural consequences of increased frailty eg she just stopped eating/drinking, or she got an infection. As opposed to an overly medicalised approach where the default is to treat everything.

I have tried uploading the photo but it won't work
https://www.wild-flora.co.uk/ it's the pink sofa on the homepage

I could try the "until things improve" line, thank you. No friends, hates religion (and most other things eg me, people, exercise, veg, taking medicine that would help, etc etc)

God knows what we'll do when she out and out refuses. You can't exactly pick her up under your arm like a roll of carpet/tantrumming toddler and take her to the nursing home. DSis who has POA is getting really nervous about what she has to do when DM's best interests clash with what DM wants.

I'm not familiar with the Respect plan, but I'd say it's never too soon for an ADRT. You can say what you do want as well as what you don't, and all the if-thens for different situations.

I'd be very very wary of scammers on FB marketplace - it's absolutely riddled with them.

I'm not too worried about that, we've got a couple of mutual friends and she is the company owner by thr look of it. Also it would be cash on collection anyway. I work for the police so I definitely do my due diligence on selling sites as I know how rife the scams are

@funnelfan better too early rather than too late- dm had a respect plan in place- check your local hospital/ health authority. It means guidelines are in place re admissions/ cpr etc and can avoid distress. And unnecessary emergency hospital admissions. V worthwhile, even though it means contemplating difficult scenarios.

Well I phoned them. They've been sold.
now I feel really deflated :(

Phoned mum this afternoon when I had a few minutes between meetings. She has forgotten how distressed she was when she phoned this morning. Good job I didn't drop everything and go there.

@countrygirl99 that’s a relief.

@funnelfan DH and his bros agreed to put DNR into place, no other options were discussed. Both times a hospital dr asked it was me that had to confirm DNR. Basically, she is frail very if interventions cause a heart attack we won’t revive her.

But nursing home carry on sending her in ambulance to A&E with every worry E.g. where GP has said the medication or his intervention isn’t working for an infection, nasty cough etc . Finally GP and DH agreed no more rushing MiL to A&E, but I am not exactly sure what that means and no paperwork has been organised. Is that a respect plan? Should there be written confirmation? I think DH has assumed he has agreed so all in place.

We don’t have PoA on health. But DH was consulted.

@Juneday we went through this with MIL. She had a DNR recorded after her stroke but last year the care home were calling an ambulance every few weeks resulting in an admission and IV antibiotics. She was paralysed, non verbal, had seizures, was incontinent, had heart failure and kidney failure. Her communication problems meant she got really distressed away from her usual carers who understood her. This was despite her Respect form saying she didn't want hospital unless necessary for pain relief. Home response was always that her symptoms could be managed better in hospital. Finally a hospital doctor said stop, let her have her last few weeks in peace.

@countrygirl99 thank you, I appreciate you sharing, it’s really helpful but sad too. I do feel that the home seem concerned and don’t want to be accused of not doing more, They were actually cross the hospital sent MiL back to them too early. They said this happens a lot - I hope they are listening to the GP now. It must be hard, but also an inevitable part of their job.

I've just had a phone call from DSis who's called ambulance for DM. Apparently she's (DM, not Dsis) is very pale, weak and isn't speaking when anyone asks her a question. I'm feeling really helpless - I had major surgery a fortnight ago, still have all my stitches in and a lot of pain. I want to get in my car and drive to DSis house, as much to support DSis as anything, but obviously being not insured to drive atm is amongst the things stopping me.

I feel a bit panicky and very tearful.

Oh, @MissMarplesNiece , that’s so difficult for you! But you can’t do anything and mustn’t try. Support your sister by phone if you can.

@MissMarplesNiece I’m so sorry- you must feel so helpless. You’ve just had major surgery. Your dsis will understand. 🌺🌺

Hello everyone 👋 I am new to the cafe, but likely to become more regular.

Just had to do a safeguarding referral for my elderly aunt who lives hundreds of miles from me, but has no children and no family near her. Been trying to get the GP to take note of her decline for the last year, she is now only eating ice cream mostly, not washing and in denial about accepting help, telling neighbours who currently help her with her shopping that she will not let anyone in the house even to bring in shopping.

My DF (her brother) also in decline, losing eye sight, faecally incontinent at times, but also in denial about it. Refusing to shower in the new walk in shower (he can get in it I made him show me) that I just organised because he couldn't get in the bath and was strip washing. Still drinking heavily and smoking despite his breathing difficulties. Luckily accepts having a cleaner and has said he would have carers in so that he could stay in his house and is open to a nursing home, so at least that is something.

@MissMarplesNiece It must be hard to not be able to rush straight there, just be there to support your sister on the phone, you really can't risk doing yourself damage by overdoing it at this stage in your recovery. Your sister will understand 💐

So, my DM has got pneumonia. She's now waiting for a bed so she can be given antibiotics. DSis has told me doctor has said it's an unknown outcome atm, but DSis who is very level headed has told me that things might not go well.

The hardest thing @MissMarplesNiece is dealing with the uncertainty and not knowing which is even worse if you’re not there. Try not to dwell on anxious thoughts, because after all they’re not going to help anyone and the adrenaline won’t help your own recovery. Support your sister and then try and find something to distract yourself, eg reading or watching some telly.

Mums GP was great. She’s known mum for nearly 27 years now, and it can’t be understated how important that kind of thing is for continuity of care, mum is lucky in that regard.

DNACPR is now in place and pinned on the wall. GP advised that they are open to discussions on treatment or not for future illnesses on a case-by-case basis, if and when they occur. Acknowledgement that we’re all mortal and quality of life is the important factor for us. It doesn’t sound like there is a culture of over-medicalisation in mum’s local health services, which is reassuring to DB and me.

Mums having a good day today too, by her standards, so ok all round except I’ve done some laundry and a red item has unexpectedly run and turned her white sheet pink. Bugger.

@funnelfan that all sounds very sensible and reassuring to have that continuity with the GP who sounds 👍.

@MissMarplesNiece sorry to hear about your DM, but you know that you must not risk your own health atm, it’s hard but @funnelfan‘s advice is good.

Oh no @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew that's rubbish re the sofa. I hate missing a bargain!