🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

My Mum is now on Donepezil. She is really struggling with the side effects (sickness) and I am struggling to persuade her to keep going. I have also bought her a TabTime pill dispenser to hopefully help her remember to take one a day.

She asked me who put me in charge. Which is very ironic! Luckily she wasn't saying it in a nasty way. I am still waiting for the actual diagnosis letter though. I'm not sure if it is the NHS or Royal Mail being rubbish. Probably a combination!

Sorry to hear about your DM @MissMarplesNiece but you must take care of yourself. Impossible not to worry I know but sending love.

@funnelfan DMs GP has raised the issue of DNACPR with me late last year. I need to speak to her and DB about it but just don’t know where to start.

@FiveFoxes - DM couldn’t tolerate Donezepil. It made her sick too. Rivastigmanine was no good as she was allergic to the patches so she is now on Memantine which she seems to be ok on.

DMs GP has raised the issue of DNACPR with me late last year. I need to speak to her and DB about it but just don’t know where to start.

@BestIsWest in mums case it was initiated by her consultant who wrote to the GP. The GPs secretary rang me to see if I was aware of the recommendation, made a telephone appointment for me to speak to the GP who scoped me out and once she realised I was on board she said she needed to see mum and offered to come and see her. The GP was very skilful in how she introduced the topic to mum and presented it to her. It’s obviously a conversation she’s had before.

I will talk to DB then @funnelfan and see what he thinks, then go back to the GP. We all witnessed unsuccessful CPR being done on DF so that made my mind up for me.

Thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me today.

DM has pneumonia. DSis was at hospital all day and has just been told to go home by Consultant. There was a bit of improvement in DM, but whether it will be enough, I don't know. My DSis has been through this before with her MIL, and she's very pragmatic and practical. She keeps telling me that this could be a pattern - improvement/deterioration- for weeks. I know from being here in the café, and reading the posts here, how this often plays out. My DBiL said to me earlier that DSis has a steel core, but it worries me because no human is made of steel and there's a limit to what we can take.

These things are all so tough to go through.

Hello, I have just "transitioned" to this corner of MN and am reading through threads and realising i've got myself into a situation with my elderly parents that I probably didn't think through.

We moved back to our hometown and in with them (they still live in a big house) as there is a housing crisis here. The deal was I would cook, shop and clean in exchange for living here and it's been taken up with great enthusiasm by my parents and my sisters who just show up for takeaway now and then and leave the mess to me. Last night I snapped and messaged my sister to ask her to clean up after herself when she comes over and was told "I have real problems, you're clearly very unhappy don't dump your shit on me. You're getting free rent, suck it up or move out."

I am going to extricate myself, I promise, but just wanted to say thank God for the wise women on here telling me to focus on my own family and my own wellbeing.

Four months in and I am done!

@Poettree i presume the "deal" didn't involve you clearing up after your sisters that no longer live at home ? I hope you aren't paying for them to have a takeaway as well

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew No it didn't. They seem to resent me being here (although both of them have lived her for spells when my parents were still in reasonably good health.) Parents pay for takeaway thank goodness.

i’ve got myself into a situation with my elderly parents that I probably didn't think through. You’re not alone!

They seem to resent me being here Yes, that showed through clearly. It looks as though they resent you having no housing costs at a time when they’re possibly struggling with rising rents or a big increase in mortgage payments. They don’t see themselves as coming for takeaways, they see themselves as taking time out of their busy schedules to visit your parents, and, after all, you were cooking anyway, and what’s another couple of mouths?

Well done for deciding to move out!

One "advantage" of mum's alzheimer's is I don't need to come up with new topics of conversation, I can recycle stories and events for weeks and use the same ones several times a visit. But last night I had to bite my tongue very hard. I was telling her yet again about DHs trip to hospital when we were worried he'd had a stroke. I told her the whole story twice then 5 minutes later she asked "how is DH, is he keeping well?" I gave up and just said he's fine.
It was hard work last night. How is MIL? Died nearly 4 months ago. Is DS2 and his GF going to get married? They got married in 2020. Why are you working past retirement age? It isn't 60 anymore. And again the story about the wild elephant in Kenya that she tells me people were feeding currant buns. I get a headache from the forced smiling, the tropical temperatures (though she insists the heating isn't on despite the radiators being red hot), the smell of cigarettes (not that she ever smokes in the house of course) and the tv volume (it's not loud, I must have sensitive ears and should see a doctor about it) .

@MereDintofPandiculation Yes I understand that they are stressed. A lot of people are stressed. But I'm not their punching bag nor their unpaid chef. It was never a permanent thing and when I go my sisters can pull their weight again.

Oh countrygirl99, I have literally run out of things to say because my mum doesn't react anyway and I worry that if I talk to her too much about stuff she can't remember (which is pretty much everything in my lifetime) she'll get upset and think I'm gaslighting her.
It's mad isn't it. Don't know whether to laugh, cry or both!
@Poettree I think there was a good dose of irony in MereDint's post!... Everyone absolutely gets it and feels your pain. Really great that you've decided to leave...very best wishes with that moving forward.

@Poettree 'I've got myself into a situation with my elderly parents that I probably didn't think through' - yes, me too and a lot of us here! My able-bodied DM moved to be near me over 3 years ago and I find myself as a sort of PA/workman finder/shopper/computer mender/therapist and general punchbag which wasn't really the contract I signed up for. All the bad daughters on here are the ones who've stepped up and most have siblings who do the bare minimum or occasional state visit. You've done the right thing deciding to move out.

@MereDintofPandiculation Huge apologies, I didn't read the irony at all. Feeling a bit defensive and more than a bit snappy here.... thanks for getting it, now I re-read it I see what you are saying. thanks all, for being gracious at me barging into the cafe and ranting. A lot of you are going through much harder things. I will lurk for a bit with a cup of tea.

@Poettree we've all been there taking something the wrong way because we are just overwhelmed, over worked and bloody tired and fed up. DH and I have both snarled at each other over nothing at times when dealing with our olds has just got too much. Now we just have mum left he knows to pour a G&T as I walk through the door after a visit.

Plumps up cushion for @Poettree welcome, we get it. Rant away.

I certainly have become snappier and snappier over the last 3.5years. It doesn't take much to set me off so you are not alone @Poettree. I'm in a permanent state of irritability

Waves to Poettree, and all café users, old and new.

Ah, it's a new thread so I'm now here under my new username. Been around for a while though.

Having caring responsibilities for a relative changes you as a person, I think. I'm a lot less patient than I used to be and in some way I think I've become more selfish. I don't really like it.

Sorry, I"ve just seen your update. No probs.

Hello all, new to posting here but I've been reading for a while. Don't know where to start really, but I visited my parents (both 78) last week for half term with my DC and found them both really struggling with loneliness and boredom during the day. In my case, I am the one who lives away and my two brothers are genuinely good about helping them out, visiting in the evenings and so on. My niece and nephew are teenagers and are also really good about spending time with them after college/work.

Both parents were saying how much the days drag out- my Dad can't drive anymore due to seizures so is reliant on Mum, which is very hard as they were both highly independent until 2-ish years ago. Dad is also very snappy, irritable (always has been, but getting worse) and his seizure medication makes him tired.

This is a rant really, because they've made clear they don't want to go to any organised day clubs or activities. I suggested my mum try visiting the library but she said she didn't see the point. But then they complain that they are stuck watching the TV all day! I can see a point where they end up barely leaving the house and they seem like shells of themselves at the moment.

I don't know if anyone has any magical solutions, but please let me know if you do!

It turns out that the NHS have a 'social prescribing' service in my area where they suggest things that people can go to. No idea if it's any good as I am waiting to get their suggestions for my Mum.

Is there any community transport in their area they could use?

As for refusing to go to things and then complaining they are lonely, I would honestly suggest asking them what they want to do about it, giving them suggestions and then bluntly saying that if they won't do anything it's their fault they're lonely. But I know that's easier said than done!

I wish I had a solution. I tried to get my mum out of the house sometimes but everything I suggested, the response was always 'perhaps /later/tomorrow/I'll think about it'. All of those meant 'no'!
I think maybe the elderly can get kind of stymied... They don't know what to do and they're tired and possibly a bit depressed and it's all either too much effort or a bit embarrassing (what if I can't see/hear/find the toilet/get out of my chair easily...) and then there's also the fear that if they go to organised activities, 'it will be full of old people' as my 80 year old mum used to say 😂