🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

They bring the nursing home. 😃

Hi all. Checking in. Reading your tales every day helps in some strange way. So thank you. DM only puts the phone down on me now, blames me for everything that happening to her. Bad DD for not bringing her to live with me and my kids in a totally unsuitable house miles away from where she lives.

Took mum to a falls risk assessment today and one if the recommendations was get rid of her current poor quality and worn out slip on shoes and replace with either velcro or lace ups for more stability. He suggested Hotters were worth looking at. We looked at the website when we got back and they have been rejected on the basis of being flat , despite that being all she wears, and "hideously expensive" even though she spends about £500 a month less than her pension.
Anyone got any suggestions for other brands to look at that might be more acceptable? Mum considers supermarket clothes extortionately priced so I'm probably on a loser.

If she doesn’t need the wider fittings that Hotter specialises in, then I would have thought your nearest cheap shoe shop should give a selection. You’re looking for a firm fit around the heel and lace ups or a firmly fastened strap so her foot doesn’t wobble.

Trouble is, all shoes are now “hideously expensive” if you buy them only every few years. Other alternative is to take note of what fits, and buy it for her birthday (then watch as she puts them in the wardrobe “for best”)

I'm currently battling with her denying he said anything about shoes. And even if he did the shoes that are literally falling apart are "perfectly good and sensible". Plus she lives in a small town in the fens snd going anywhere to buy anything clothes wise is a major trek. Last time I braved taking her shopping was looking for an outfit for my nephew's wedding (her grandson) when a dress that was reduced from £100 to £40 in the sale was announced to be a ridiculous price at the top of her voice. She ended up wearing the same dress she wore for dad's funeral.

@countrygirl99 i think you’re on a loser there.
IF I thought the person would take the advice, I would recommend Vivo Barefoot. They are expensive but they are flat, sturdy, made with a wide toe box and flexible in the sole. Foot stability is linked to proprioception and the ability to “feel” the ground so thinner soles are better.
However - I know my own mother would reject them as “ugly” “too big” and “too much” and carry on with her Velcro slipper type shoes which crush her already severely bunioned toes into a small V shape as she shuffles around the house…

I think the very thought of barefoot shoes would cause apoplexy! When trainers were suggested as good option her face was a picture. Propers cats bum mouth.
He also suggested drinking more water which didn't go down well either.
One of those occasions when you come away wondering why you bothered to use up annual leave and petrol.

I haven't posted in a while but basically nothings changed...My nan is 99 now and still living pretty independently. She is very lonely and tells me how much she wants to die every time I see her and how she never expected being old to 'be like this'. I fully expect being 99 to be pretty shit tbh but we are doing our best which is clearly not good enough. Between me, my sister and my neice, we see her most days. We have discussed companion services a few times a week but she dismissed this out of hand. She does have carers every morning so we suggested increasing this but that got a no too. Just a rant really because I'm feeling pretty crap about it all this morning.
PS. The shoes - Cosyfeet are a good brand (not for my nan though apparently as she 'Would never ever pay that kind of money for shoes'...

Had a look at Cosyfeet and I think I'd get the same response. Mum never used to be like this about clothes- evidence is 3 wardrobes bursting full . Trouble is when dad wasill she didn't eat properly and dropped 2 sizes. Now she won't buy clothes because she has plenty but needs safety pins in the waist band to hold them up and the tops hang off her. She's even went to dad's funeral and grandson's wedding with a skirt held up by safety pins. In the old days she would have been straight out for a new outfit.

Mum no longer fits her hotter/ecco shoes, we have recently got her some EEE width velcro ones from Chums. Not too pricey either.

Remember if you’re buying EEE from Cosyfeet and the like because of edema or another medical condition, you can buy them VAT-free

@countrygirl99 quite! Been there. Why do I bother?
DM told me yesterday she’d been having a “funny turn” and felt faint. It could be all sorts of things, she’s recently been diagnosed with a second dodgy heart valve so she’s technically in the early stages of heart failure. But I didn’t want to alarm her and she was up and about so I went for the simplest thing, which was - drink a glass of water. A lot of fainting is down to dehydration causing low blood pressure. Explained, brought her a glass. She sipped the first third, put it down and wandered off. Two hours later it was still sitting there. “Oh, I had a cup of tea earlier…” 🙄

Drinking water was another of the suggestions. I reminded mum when we got home and she just harrumphed so I doubt that will happen. Anyway I received an email with all the recommendations so I'm going to print it out and put it on the pin board in the kitchen for her to ignore.

Hello, may I come in your cafe please? and do you serve gin?

Does anyone have a brother who pulls his weight and if so, any tips please? I thought it was 2024 but seems I'm mistaken, woman's work and all that ...

With regards to shoes and clothes, if you have charity shops nearby Hotters shoes are often available (just don’t stop to think why) and are usually under £10. M&S etc jumpers are also cheap and usually in good condition. Don’t ask me how many pairs of shoes my DM has!

Sadly, the god forsaken hole of a town that mum lives in has 1 tiny charity shop that opens randomly and no clothes or shoe shops. Even the 2 nearest slightly larger towns don't have shoe shops but I don't know what their charity shop situation is. Getting her out to buy clothes is a whole day exercise by the time I've driven up there, got her organised and driven to a town with actual shops. That's why I'm keen to buy online if I can. For clothes the nearest decent sized Tesco will do but even thats a half hour away.

Gin is freely available.

Many of us have brothers labelled “goldenballs” who manage avoid doing any of the hard physical and mental labour because “you’re better at that sort of thing”. Yes, it’s pathetic in 2024. Not all men, I’m proud that my DH stepped up with MIL. He’s refused all offers of help from me and now I think he’s just being a bit stubborn, but he thinks I’ve enough on my plate with DM.

My DB started off ok, lived further away than me so visited less often, but for longer, which meant I got a weekend off every month at least. Did loads around the house. Then took a new job offshore with no consultation or even acknowledging the impact on me. Last visit back to the U.K. he was back for 3 weeks and didn’t visit mum once. Gitbag, and even my very mild DH who never gets involved in family stuff has said that he’d thinks DB has “dropped me in it”, which for DH is severe criticism.

I have a sister who doesn't pull her weight or anything like, so it's not just brothers. I can't help resenting her Facebook posts about all the lovely things she gets up to. She's seen Mum for about 15 hours this year at the most and I was there too. She won't read any of the Alzheimer's information because it's "too upsetting". I have tried so hard to keep her up to date so she'd understand what life is like for Mum and me but she doesn't engage. She said she'd come and help one weekend but she said that months ago and hasn't mentioned it since.

@countrygirl99 same!! All her skirts are held up by safety pins. She was a shopaholic in her, slightly, younger days and has hundreds of skirts - all size 18. She barely eats now and they all just fall down without several safety pins. I bought her a new one from BonMarche but I've never seen her wear it. I literally cant find elasticated skirts suitable for a 99 year old anywhere.
Bad morning- but not for me luckily. My sister got a 5am wake up call from nan as she'd fallen in the bathroom and bum shuffled to the phone. She said she called me first but I didn't have any missed calls so.... As well as giving up eating, she appears to have given up going to bed at night aswell.

I second the suggestion of Chums for shoes. They have lace up, velcro and zip https://www.chums.co.uk/ladieswear/footwear/shoes most of them quite reasonably priced.

They also have elasticated skirts, although I can't vouch foe them specifically meeting the needs of a 99 year old.

The only brother I know who pulled his weight with elderly parents only had brothers, no sisters!

Since my DPs have needed help in March, my DB has been pulling his weight. We are both equidistant away around 2hrs, with responsibilities to our own families too. We are sharing the visits and admin equitably between us. Hope it lasts.

@NoBinturongsHereMate thanks 😅 forgot to add that she will not pay more than £15 for any item 😉 may have to try charity shops. She was actually quite stylish for an elderly lady until recently but was a sales bargain hunter.

You may be in luck - Chums has a sale with several that fit the brief at £10 or under.

Had a look at the chums site and everything that fits the brief is out of stock in her size she has big feet 😪. I'll keep an eye on the site as I think that may pass mum's price demands. I just wish she would realise that 2 pairs of good shoes is better than 10 pairs of worn out or damaged shoes.