🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I would also add, those who would shame others for not taking on the full time care generally think looking after elderly parents involves popping around every day for a cup of tea, maybe running round the hoover and a couple of errands. I find those people that have done the full time care at home may say it was a privilege to do so, but they are never judgemental of others not doing it, because they fully understand what is involved. I’ve got one acquaintance who violently recoils at the smell of baby wipes because of the association with using them for intimate cleaning an elderly parent at home. She has really mixed feelings about that time.

It’s really opened my eyes to what parents of children with many needs go through. Much as I feel ground down with my mums care, I know that it can’t last forever and she is mortal. If this was my child that needed this amount of care, a child that was otherwise healthy and would be expected to live to adulthood through all of my life - I’ve no idea how those parents stay sane. I know one elderly couple who had a child with severe Down’s syndrome, and used see them pushing their adult child about town in her wheelchair. They were fiercely independent. Sadly when one of the couple died, the other parent just couldn’t cope at all on their own and fell ill and died themselves soon afterwards. I don’t know what happened to the adult child.

I looked after my babies (and still do even though they are teens now). I love them. Because I love them, I would NEVER want them to have to look after me. I don't think anyone who has walked this path would wish this fate upon their own precious children.

I am with you FiveFoxes, but also huge admiration for those that do take on all caring needs. I have what drs dismissively call an over sensitive vagus nerve. It means I feint and BP drops threw the floor set off by weird triggers, one being a a stomach bug - twice admitted to A&E and put on a drip. As a result I am useless at dealing with other people with upset stomachs, even the cat!! So once when MiL was sick I found it really difficult. I am not generally squeamish, but even thinking about it …. And it’s so true Funnelfan and others, lack of help and support.

MiL had Covid booster this week and wasn’t well after, no updates. DH will visit on Sunday, 50/50 she will be asleep.

own DM on phone asking same old questions and repeating things she has read in the paper about IHT - she is obsessed with it!! DF did report they had a good visit to Specsavers 😁👍. DM has bletheritas (sp?) and was given good advice so 🤞.

@BishyBarnyBee sorry to hear, I hope your DM gets an accurate diagnosis and you get lots of advice on where to get help. Everyone’s journey is different - but lots of sympathy and help on here. I have mentioned a dementia nurse rang me to chat through MiL, although it took a while for that to happen she was lovely. We also got a pack with details of lunch clubs and charities locally to MiL. She refused them and tbh because of her fall so quickly after diagnosis we didn’t chase up. The one thing I couldn’t find in our area was meals on wheels - I naively thought every area had one. My friend in next borough is a volunteer delivery person a couple of days a week - I hope it gets reintroduced for all, one less thing to worry about.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere as a fellow vet I am so pleased to read your post about your feelings for your dm now. You had it so tough 🌺
Much sympathy to others in the trenches- @WannaSweetie so sorry you didn’t find us when you would have been listened to and offered gin and sympathy.

Officially signing in if I may.

Similar situation to @Squirrels81 with my DF. However fortunately we do have financial POA from years ago which helps.

Whilst I’m not local I’ve had to travel over a lot on short notice for crises which I simply can’t keep doing. Taking up a huge amount of time and headspace and no gratitude just complaints.

Yup all text book stuff. It still hurts being criticised all the time, and while I havent done anything heroic, any acknowledgement that I have done stuff would help but I know it’s not coming. I’m being asked why I’m not there, why she isn’t living with me like other DMs are. Even if I could, I couldn’t (if you know what I mean). Guess that makes me bad daughter.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew

dnt normally post so not sure how to mention people. But what you said has just hit me as so true.

Thank you for the kind words, very true about babies vs older parents/relatives. My work were happy for colleagues to leave immediately for child issues, not so for me with my mum. I’m sad to see the challenges with getting support don’t seem to have changed. Anyway, wishing strength to all x

If you put an @ in front, as in @ Sqirrels81 but without the space, so @Squirrels81, it appears in bold, and also notifies the person be email, if they allow notifications.

If you type @ and then start typing the name, it throws up suggestions as to who you might mean, and you just select the right one.

We had the loveliest afternoon with mum yesterday. It was such a lovely day we decided to sit in the garden. Unknown to us the activities lady had planned to take those that wished outside for a cup of tea and biscuits so we had a lovely time with everyone, mum was alert and smiling even if she did ask if my DU was going to recover and come home from hospital. We said that he wouldn't but she said he might because she had been talking to someone who had been dead for six weeks and she came back! So obviously being dead means something different for her. But it made my cousin smile so that was worthwhile.

There are some terrible homes around but this past week has really shown us that DM is part of a community where she lives and by extension we are too. DU was part of that and there were tears and hugs from visitors, staff and residents because they all knew and loved him.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere That's really lovely!

Oh @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere how lovely. A memory to cherish

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that made me really smile. Lovely story. And anyway she might be right…. I am reading Lincoln in the Bardo atm. ….

Hi all, can I join please?

My Dad is two years post diagnosis of a weird and wonderful neurological condition and we're now at the stage where he can barely walk, is starting to struggle to swallow, falls several times per week and can't be left on his own. My parents are able to afford all the mobility aids, wheelchair etc themselves without having to wait for the NHS so they're as well equipped as they can be.

Mum is in good health, goes to the gym several times per week and is generally fit and active. In all honesty she's in better shape than me.

I do two days per week during school hours looking after Dad so that Mum can do the food shopping, go to the gym etc. I've also sorted the POA, end of life documentation etc and I go to appointments with them when they need me to.

Looking after Dad makes me sad because he's a shell of the man he used to be but it's my Mum I'm finding really difficult. I basically feel like her therapist and I just don't have the mental capacity for it.

DS (10) is autistic and being screened for ADHD, DD (5) is being screened for autism, I'm autistic and my mental health is not the best. I've given up my job as a nurse, partly due to my Dad and the kids although I am fortunate that I'm in a position where giving up work was an option.

I don't want Mum to feel like she can't talk to me about things but I'm worn out from trying to deal with all the negativity. Life must be really difficult for her and I want to help and support both my parents but I really need her to talk to a professional instead of just me. I've offered to come over more often, particularly so that she can have counselling but she'd rather offload everything on me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the next opportunity to go to bed. I'm so tired.

@RaspberryHouseBlues Hi, I have exactly the same with my Mum. DF is now in a home but she spends the whole time talking about if she's done the right thing, could she have done things differently, if he's getting better or worse. It's just non stop.

I have asked her to speak to a counsellor as she needs to talk to someone objective who hasn't been involved but she won't. She says I'm the only one she can talk to. It's exhausting and tbh I sometimes dread the phone calls as I can tell by the way she says hello what mood she is in and what the conversation is likely to be about.

I know I probably sound selfish but this has been going on for about 5 years now and it's exhausting.

Dealing with something stressful for 5 years, and getting to the end of your tether, is the very antithesis of selfish.

@RaspberryHouseBlues and @Tupperwarelid it is selfish of your DMs, but of course they’re so deep in it that they can’t see it. It’s not that they shouldn’t talk to someone but yes, the opportunity to talk to someone objective could be important for them and actually shift their thinking.
I might sound harsh; I do have sympathy, I can I only imagine what agony of mind it must put you through, to see your spouse suffer like that and be responsible for the decisions, knowing there isn’t much time left and things will never be how they were again.
However, when faced with a situation that can’t be changed, attitude is all you have that can change, and a therapist may be able to provide a perspective that could make it easier for them; and by extension for you.
But we all know that people don’t always take the best meant advice - and if they don’t, you are going to have to find ways to limit the time spent that way before it drags you down too.

It’s ultimately a form of anxiety, and they are temporarily relieving it by transferring it to you. But of course they aren’t really dealing with it properly so it comes up again and you’re stuck in a cycle.

There’s a recent theme in posts in both this and the “waiting” thread of our elderly parents become far too reliant on us both physically and mentally. I think if I could get a message to my self several years ago, it would be to encourage DM to have other sources of support so that I was not seen as the default for everything.

Five years of listening to the same worries though, I’d have gone bananas. But that’s not as worrying as “you’re the only one I can talk to”, as that effectively means “I will keep putting more and more burdens on you until you break”, whether that is consciously or unconsciously done.

These last few messages really resonate, and it's comforting that I'm not alone, especially as you can end up feeling guilty. After all we're constantly told to listen to people when they want to talk and need help.

My mother has always suffered anxiety and depression and says she doesn't want to talk to friends, only family, which is now just me. On top of that, when she lived in the UK I would call every day, but now she's moved to live with us I'm obviously there in person instead (as well as considerably busier because she's living with us) and so are my partner and son, so among my mother's complaints is that she says "we don't just talk any more, one-to-one...".

And after a year of her saying she can't cope and just wants to be out here with us, of course her depression hasn't suddenly gone away, so she now wants to talk about how unhappy the new circumstances make her. Which I find difficult to take, having spent the last year organising her very complicated move, and moving my whole family to a new town where it was affordable, etc. It's fundamentally so selfish, but she would be horrified if she knew I felt like that, and there's literally no point trying to explain it - if she was ever capable of that kind of introspection, she isn't now.

MIL is in hospital after a fall. No-one told us until the hospital rang DH to ask him to come in and calm her down- no good as we live 2 hours away and they were prepping her for surgery. Naturally they didn’t try BIL who lives much closer. No information available, they can’t even tell us which ward they’re putting her on. I am such a bad DIL, I just want this cycle to be over.

if she was ever capable of that kind of introspection, she isn't now

Sounds like she’s a classic example of the saying “whatever you go, there you are”. If she won’t do talking therapy, would she consider medication for her depression?

In my experience of supporting both mums through the deterioration of their partners of 60 years, supporting them is as hard as supporting the person who's infirm. It's so tough for them on so many levels, and physically and emotionally their own resilience is deteriorating as they age.

We were so frustrated by MIL when FIL had dementia, as she just made everything worse for him and for herself, but when we came to look for carers to support him, it was very stark what pressure she was under. You'd never advertise for an 80 year old live in carer, but that's what she was.

It often felt that she was the biggest problem, but actually, she was picking up a lot of the day to day care. Now she seems to be on the threshold of dementia herself, it seems much harder to manage without a live in partner.

I'd like to think we'll be better in our own old age but I'm not sure that will be true. Even the most easy going elderly seem to become anxious and demanding as they age, and I'm not sure I've ever been easy going. I suspect I'll resolve to never be like that, but be just as much trouble for my own kids.

Ultra old age is just quite often a shitshow. Much love to those of you in the thick of it, it really is such a grim and relentless place to be.

@BishyBarnyBee I think that's very true. And in the spirit of 'things you feel grateful for and then feel guilty for feeling grateful for', I'd say that I feel grateful for the fact that our energies are focused on one remaining elderly parent. I have huge sympathy for those of you on this thread who are dealing with supporting someone who is supporting someone. I've been in similar situations and it was unbelievably hard.

@funnelfan I hadn't heard that expression before, but you're absolutely right. She is on sertraline but we're seeing her new doctor here for the first time today, and I'm thinking some other / extra medication might help.

@NefretForth That sounds so tough and distressing, and FWIW you really REALLY don't sound a bad DIL at all to find it that way.

@NefretForth It's Ok to feel as you do. I have felt like that and it's valid. I had Dm in a care home for 9 years and then DMil was in one - so over 10 years of care homes, although to be fair I was 300 miles away from DMIL.

I offer a tiny crumb of comfort. When my DM was given oxygen after her operation in hospital after breaking her hip in the care home, amazingly we shared 15 minutes of special time where she was semi-lucid and actually knew who I was (and asked for family members by name.) We called that Golden Time.
So a potential disaster actually turned into the happiest point in a 9 year decline. (It was about four years in). Hopefully, something like that happens for you.

@NefretForth you are not a bad DIL. We didn’t know until months after MiL was sent to hospital after falling at a waitrose. She didn’t give any phone numbers even though we are local. Second fall a neighbour got in touch, no hospital needed that time but found paperwork from another 999 call, she gave a completely made up phone number for DH. The bad fall that led to hospital and surgery, the police went through her address book - they say without them they would struggle. DM now has falls alarm but only wears it when she thinks she is going to fall 😮🙁. Basically I think that means if DF is out and she goes into the garden?🤔

MiL had a bad reaction to Covid booster and has been unwell since (she has plenty before with no issues). She was refusing to eat or drink, DH got her to drink some tea when he visited on Sunday. Haven’t had an update since. 🙁. They are usually good at calling with updates.