🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@MelanzanaPatata I am blessed with an awesome DB. BIL does not even qualify for a D.
@TeenDivided glad to hear you’re feeling part of a team for now.

Please can I join your cafe? I will bring wine and crisps.
I have been soul carer for my 91 year old mother for 7 years and I just don’t know how much more I can take. I’m totally exhausted ( I’m 64 and I was diagnosed with cancer recently which apparently is curative but has left me fatigued) of spinning plates.
@FiveFoxes I also struggle hearing on social media about what a fantastic life my sister is having. She has seen mum once this year and she lives about 20 miles away. She is going on a 8 week trip to Australia with her husband soon. I’m unable to go on holiday as she refuses to step up. How do you cope with the frustration of someone just letting you do everything. Then I feel guilty about my feelings as mum didn’t ask to be old and frail. I feel so isolated. I’m single and have no support or break. Mum refuses a cleaner let alone and carers. Sorry for venting

@Tupperwarelid I'm not surprised you're exhausted after 5 years. DM has always been quite a negative person but I only had to deal with the negativity fairly infrequently and usually over the phone since moving out. Then we moved much closer to my parents due to DH's job and now I feel like I can't escape.

DDad had another fall yesterday and has a graze and a lump on his head. He had his hip replaced two years ago due to a fall and had a head injury several months ago. I'm on edge every time he gets up because he will just randomly overbalance and fall backwards.

DB does pull his weight but has an old, wonky house and it's not going to be long before DDad can't manage the stairs even with help. So I'll need to my parents for a third day every week as DB works full time and won't be able to have DDad during his work from home day.

@Nevergonnagiveuup welcome and here is for venting, no apologies necessary 💐

You’re having a really tough time. Your DM needs to accept other help (I know how hard that is to get through to a parent) such as a cleaner and carers. Looking after yourself is not optional - if you break then no one wins. Your DM needs to think of her own future too, she’ll be in a better place to cope if she already has outside support that could be increased if you couldn’t help.

I also hear you on seeing your sister having a life and boundaries - but while she is choosing not to do things for your DM - that doesn’t mean you have to do them all.

It helped me when a poster previously shared that if you have to choose between guilt and resentment, choose guilt (I think it was Phillipa Perry). I’ve also listened to a lot of Brene Brown’s work on shame and perfectionism (The Gifts of Imperfection and Rising Strong books but there’s also a TED talk and a Netflix special). If a friend was in your situation, what would you advise them? I think you need to choose yourself and say you can’t do it all any more but what do you think?

@Nevergonnagiveuup I’m sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I hope the treatment is successful - but please do use this to reevaluate how much you do for your mum and find new ways of thinking. If you required surgery and were out of action for as prolonged period, how would your mum manage- she’s put all her eggs in one basket (you).

It seems common for people who get carers after resisting them for so long are very quick converts. So try a sideways approach - perhaps frame it as helping you while you recover from your illness. And then never cancel them afterwards.

I’ve had therapy recently, and I’ve of my breakthroughs was identifying whether something was a necessary thing to be done, or a nice to do. I dropped nearly all the nice to dos, and focus on the necessary. And even there, I think - ok this thing needs to be done - does it have to be me that does it?

i don’t always get it right but I’m working on it. Please prioritise your own health, it’s ok if your mums house isn’t perfect, good enough is good enough.

@Nevergonnagiveuup sorry to see you here- and much sympathy re cancer diagnosis. There is an excellent long running cancer thread in general health- lots of wisdom and advice there.
As a “graduate” of both threads- but still on the cancer recovery one, please please put yourself first. Your sister won’t change. And I know your dm didn’t ask to be old and frail- but she’s still here! Whilst so many aren’t.
please contact Macmillan or local carers group for counselling/ support. Mantras from us vets of the board( looked after dm for 17 years until she died at 98 last year ) have learnt from bitter experience are to do the stuff only you can do and outsource everything else.
does she have attendance allowance? That can fund some help. Refer to social services- can take time but have a look.
as others say, tell her getting a cleaner Is vital for YOUR health. Ask for local recommendations for independent cleaners/ carers- on fb/ nextdoor.

you are doing what someone here described as the invisible mending that enables her to live independently.
Please prioritise your health and happiness.

In terms of practical things and if finance is an issue, @Nevergonnagiveuup could you tell your own doctor that you are a carer for your DM but obviously you’re now having your own health issues and so respite care is needed for your DM to give you a break?

Our situation is complex both financially and medically and DF was protesting against a care home but we simply cannot be there every day or do everything.

Thank you for understanding. I don’t feel like I can talk about this to anyone in real life because until you’ve been a carer you don’t understand. If ever I vent in real life I hate myself the next day and I feel like people massively judge. I hear comments like “ she did it all for you when you were a child” and “ you’re so lucky still having a parent”. It’s been enlightening to read this thread and see other people’s thoughts on these comments.
I do feel lucky still having my mum and she has been a wonderful mother to me but that doesn’t erase my exhaustion. The advice I have had is entirely correct, persuasion is needed to reinstate a cleaner ( stopped during covid). She does get attendance allowed so can afford it. I know she will resist as she’s very stubborn but I will have to be more stubborn than her. I think I’ve reached a low point today as I’m struggling to source her specialised medication and have desperately been phoning around all pharmacies in the area today. No one knows all the admin work that is involved as well as all the appointments and physical care. Thanks again to all those who responded to my post

@Nevergonnagiveuup keep sharing here. You’re right that anyone who hasn’t been through it just cannot understand and you’re years into it.

The admin is never-ending and there’s lots of experience of that here. You are not alone and can just vent or ask questions.

If your DM has had a cleaner before then I hope that’s the place to start drawing your line (but I totally get that finding a cleaner is another admin job).

MiL died today. It was in a way a shock, 10 days ago I was in a ‘teams’ meeting to determine whether her needs should be CHC … looked like it was leaning toward a ‘no’. I.e. health needs not so severe to be NHS funded, I made my points, including that she did at times refuse meds, had lost 4 stone …. But that isn’t taken into account🤔 because it was about the present not the past! .

I came away thinking she wasn’t as unwell as I thought…. So it was a shock to go from she is gaining weight etc. . DH rang the home this am to arrange visit and was told she was frail and refusing food; but not get here soon. DH said he would visit this afternoon. He got the call before he had got in the car.

I have spent the afternoon reassuring him he couldn’t have done more. It’s been really emotional - and for some reason I was shocked that within 10 minutes the home is asking us to ring the undertakers…. My god the paperwork, and being a bank holiday 🤔

MiL was very organised before dementia took hold and had left sealed letters with her will, more tears, but lovely and a huge help and also a reminder of the real person before dementia took hold.

A week of admin ahead and one more sad phone call to make in the morning.

Age U.K. website also very helpful for box ticking and advice, typed a list.

Sorry for your loss, @Juneday . It's good to be reminded abut the real person who was there before dementia began to steal them away.

I’m so sorry for your loss@funnelfan .🌺🌺

Sorry for your loss @Juneday

I'm very sorry for your loss, @Juneday.

The 'tell us once' service helps reduce the paperwork.

Thank you all, worse bit will be going back to nursing home to clear space. But also a huge relief now, it’s always a shock but also been expected for a while.

I think you meant @Juneday ?

Sorry for your loss too June. It sounds very similar too my MIL when DH also got the “come now”, then “don’t rush” calls. I’m glad she’s at peace and you can re-remember the woman she was before dementia.

@Juneday so sorry for your loss Xxx

Oops thanks @funnelfan .posted in a rush.
so sorry for your loss@Juneday 🌺🌺

Sorry for your loss @Juneday . Good that now you can remember her the way she used to be.

Sorry to hear this.

Sorry for your loss @Juneday I hope the clearing out of your MILs room and all associated admin goes smoothly

@Juneday I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you strength for the days ahead.

Lovely nurse at Care Home continues to say all the right things, made DH feel a lot better. And helpful call from his brother (part time undertaker), admin all dependent on Dr now. So many friends, here are elsewhere been through this, it is a whirlwind!

off to celebrate a family birthday, much needed change of scene.

Any suggestions needed please.

DM mid 80s, Parkinson’s and dementia getting worse, spends most of the day in bed, carers 4x a day. Not incontinent as such, but don’t always make it to the toilet and thus has little wee accidents. Mostly ok with poo continence. Switched her to Tena pants successfully a while back.

problem is, she’s now forgotten she needs to wear Tena pants, and has reverted to wearing normal knickers, with the obvious consequence of an increase in laundry of bedding and nightwear which is causing issues as carers aren’t supposed to do it (some do put on a wash when they change her bed, but then no one takes it out again).

i have asked the carers to always check she’s wearing Tenas at each visit (she says yes when she isn’t), there’s a note on the system and a physical note pinned above her bed. I’ve removed every pair of knickers I can find in the house and left plentiful packs of Tenas in her room. She’s still not wearing them, and I’ve found yet another pair of wet knickers hidden in her clean clothes again.

can anyone think of anything else I can do apart from ring the carer office again and re emphasising the point?

@funnelfan thats really tough. Are the Tena pants in her knicker drawer? Can’t see what else is possible… would period pants be any good as more knickerlike?