🪳 Cockroach Café Spring 2024 🪳 🪳

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve had a good clean of the place, replenished supplies, and brought in pots of snowdrops and daffodils to remind us Spring is just around the corner.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something mor savoury, so for the moment it stays.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I visited my Dad today. He was very sleepy because the home had forgotten about Pancake Day, and to make up for it had dished out pancakes for elevenses.

Did you know that snowdrops, in addition to the little green hearts on the inner petals, have green and white stripes all the way up the inside of the flower?

Conversation was slow

[thesandwich]

Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation ooh it all looks lovely! You’ve even plumped the cushions in the bad daughters ( large) lounge! And not bothered with the never used good daughters broom cupboard…..
welcome regulars, lurkers or newbies.

[thesandwich]

Fascinating about the snowdrops! Sorry conversation with your df was slow.

[NoBinturongsHereMate]

<Hangs coat on peg>

We only have 1 snowdrop in the garden so far this year. I'll have to take a closer look at it.

[BestIsWest]

Thank you, place is looking lovely. Just popped some Scotch in the drinks cupboard, I’m off gin at the moment.

[NoBinturongsHereMate]

I have a feeling I just plopped into the last thread without really introducing myself, so I might as well do that now.

I'm several hundred miles from family, which makes things tricky, but somewhat between elderly-parent responsibilities at the moment. Keeping a foot in the cafe door because I know the next round is coming.

PaBint died just before the pandemic (thankfully) after several increasingly difficult years with Parkisons (including towards the end Parkinsonian dementia), and a wide assortment of other physical health problems.

StepPaBint was diagnosed with vascular dementia a couple of years ago - although we'd seen the signs a decade previously and MaBint had been tracking progress. He's still at home for now with MaBint and no outside carers, and I'm just doing research and long-distance advice.

MaBint is mentally fine but beginning to decline physically.

[funnelfan]

Thanks for the new thread!

[venusandmars]

Marking my place. I'm a cafe 'associate'. My own dparents have died and I'm supporting dh with his remaining parent (age 93 with dementai and in a care home).

[Knotaknitter]

I'm a graduate. I was here a lot with mum's dementia and MIL's never formally diagnosed dementia. I've not been responsible for anyone for over two years which has been about long enough for me not to have an increased heart rate when the landline rings.

[NoBinturongsHereMate]

PaBint only had my mobile number, so after he died I was able to change the ringtone to avoid the adrenaline surge every time it rang.

[Juneday]

I was telling a friend about this great cafe/bar…. He said he didn’t really know how to put into words and guiltily said, do you know what I didn’t like my father. I told him that having somewhere say to say things and not feel bad about is important, sadly we feel conditioned to say we love DPs - but that doesn’t mean we always like them. My current gripe being my sister clearly favours my father over my mother - whereas being a few years older I remember the hurt of the two ‘affairs’ and his childish crushes - and I am not sure I like him very much, but I do find common ground with him and try to remember good points…. And I will support where I can as and when they need it, which maybe fast approaching. Just about to ring and ask about his skin cancer diagnosis. Wish me luck. Nice cold glass of something this evening.

[DahliaMacNamara]

Hello to customers old and new.

My own parents died before troubling me with elderliness, so I never really entered the class, let alone graduated. MIL made up for it, and as the only non-working adult the next generation down I was very much on the front line. The only elderly remaining is FIL, who manages pretty well with our technical and heavy labour support, but can be a little shaky and forgetful at times.

Still getting the adrenaline surges when the phone rings, though, @NoBinturongsHereMate .

[MotherOfCatBoy]

Dropping in, it’s nice in here even when it’s still grey and miserable out there!
Have escaped for some Welsh walking this week so no duty visit. Will phone DPs on Sunday when DF will want to talk about which gadgets/ telly/ tape player doesn’t work and DM won’t be bothered to talk to me at all because she’ll be watching some series or other. Then will visit mid week and be shocked once more at the level of mess and neglect in the house, but they don’t want a cleaner or carers or anything. Grr.

[BestIsWest]

I used to be on-call 24/7 for my job - did it for about 20 years until about 7 years ago. If I hear an old Nokia ringtone on an old film or TV show I still jump.

DM normally rings my landline, the only person who does, so I get the surge when that goes off.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Have escaped for some Welsh walking this week so no duty visit. Had my honeymoon in Wales in November - the waterfalls were impressive!

[Fantasea]

@MotherOfCatBoy Hoping Wales was lovely and a good break from the duty visit. My DM is nearly 90 and has always had very low standards of housework and personal hygiene, yet she can still shock me with the level of neglect that I see. I wouldn't be able to raise the idea of a cleaner, even though she desperately needs one and could easily afford it, simply because she's so mean with money and also thinks what she does is more than sufficient. What I've also noticed recently is how she re-wears clothes for days on end, even if they are stained or she's been gardening. The pair of navy trousers I saw her in this week still have the yogurt (?) splashes on the back and mud down the front from last Monday and she regularly has food down her jumper which is also on for up to a week. I wonder if she is becoming a bit incontinent which would explain the constant navy trousers (these are a baggy pair) but the lack of changing her tops was never quite this bad. She has full capacity and is physically quite well for her age. We would have an awful row if I mentioned, it just isn't a conversation I could have, so I just have to keep quiet. I'm wondering though if this a normal sign of decline in the elderly?

My DM would like to be able to ring my landline constantly as she has some call package where up to an hour to another landline is free. To keep her calls down I don't have it plugged in, she was the only person ringing it anyway. She is charged for calls to mobiles so only rings me when it's an emergency and I feel sick when I see her name light up. DD and I laugh that her phone only accepts incoming calls!

[KittyCatsby]

@DahliaMacNamara

whilst not living close to my Mil , she knows I am just a phone call away and makes the most of it , several times a day ! 😏
She definitely has some cognitive impairment ( is aged 88 ) but with help can just about manage to still live sort of independently.
Her latest telephone calls , are her plans to dig the garden and get her potatoes and carrots in for the summer !

[Gardencentrevoucher]

Delurking to say hello on this new thread. I've just finished reading an Oliver James book about dementia, I've not quite processed it all yet but its given me lots to think about.

I also may not have introduced myself properly before now so: DM is early 70s but already showing significant mental decline However she is steadfastly refusing to do anything about it and even before DF died she was resisting any help, assuming he could do it all despite his stage 4 cancer. For now I'm humouring her because we're all still adjusting to losing my dearly loved dad but its just a matter of time until she has a crisis. I hate the feeling of anticipation.

[MereDintofPandiculation]

@Fantasea The clothes thing may just be the result of declining social activity. Your true test as to whether she’s coping is what she wears to go out and see people,

[Newmum738]

Hi everyone! Thanks @MereDintofPandiculation for the new thread,

I'm be had a crap day today. I'm having to spend half term with my 5yo visiting my mother who lives a fair way away from us. There are a lot of family issues that I'm dealing with since my Dad died and my mum is oblivious and unconcerned about the impact it has on me.

It makes me feel very angry about the situation and resentful towards my mum.

Sadly, I think this could go on for a long time. Mum has dementia but it's in the very early stages. If it's all a mess now, I'm dreading the future 🙈

[Gardencentrevoucher]

Oh @Newmum738 I'm sorry to hear this but I can really relate. I keep telling myself is not her fault its the dementia but it is so hard. I found myself getting angry that DM wasn't able to care for my DF when he was really ill but then felt guilty for feeling angry because she was just oblivious really. Like a small child that simply can't comprehend something complex. Its so sad.

[Metoo15]

Hello everyone. Can’t remember if I’ve been here before but never mind. I’m so mentally exhausted by the last 30 years, first dad now mum, that I’ve all on remembering my own name some days.
My situation at the moment is my mum 92 was taken into hospital in October, she became confused at home with a high bp, she was there seven week, they discharged her into a care home after many meetings and mountains of paperwork still not fully completed, 10 weeks later !
Mums deteriorated since, especially during the last three weeks, some days she’s so dizzy she cannot walk, other days not too bad. It’s all one big rollercoaster. I visit twice week and never know what she’s going to be like when I get there.
Just to say I understand every single feeling or thought that goes through your head. It feels like my brain has coastal erosion 🤣 How daft is that.

[EmotionalBlackmail]

Thank you for the new thread!

Feeling a bit frazzled after a really stressful month at work (expected but still difficult) and now half term to juggle plus my DM's complete obsession with minor insignificant details. I know to her they're not minor, it's just the way she couldn't care less about the rest of my life!

[Juneday]

@Metoo15 I hope your DM is getting a visiting GP and all the help she needs, as much for your peace of mind as her well being. DH had/has similar with his DM, he rungs ahead to get an idea, last time he got there and she had been put back to bed and was asleep so a pointless visit in many ways. That’s a good description - coastal erosion.

@EmotionalBlackmail I suspect the elderly brain starts to go into same ‘survival’ mode that the teenage brain does. It basically dictates ‘me first’ to survive, no space in my head to think about others. Teenagers of course come out of it. Loads of studies have shown that hormones affect empathy in teenagers, as a natural part of life. It feels like something similar happens with aging?

I noticed this with MiL and am seeing elements with own DPs too.

Had a decent chat with DM on phone - when she could hear me - whilst talking a neighbour popped over with some Waitrose lemon tarts! It is so reassuring that they have kind neighbours when we are 3 hours away.

[Metoo15]

Juneday. Thank you for the suggestion of ringing, I’d thought about it yesterday and today but they rarely pick up to be honest, and even if they do it’ll just be, oh she’s fine eating her lunch etc. The last visit she was in bed fast asleep, so had to visit the next day for my peace of mind.
I’ll see how she is tomorrow , then I’m going to insist she sees a Dr next week.