DM wants a riser-chair costing £4.5k! Advice v welcome

[Valleyofthedollymix]

DM is 82 with moderate dementia. It affects her mobility more than her cognitive abilities but I don't know how much this is to do with the dementia and how much is due to her lack of exercise over many years.

She is currently burning through finite funds by living in a large house with a very expensive live-in carer through an agency. After a lifetime of being careful with money, she's spending like Liberace and it's going to run out, especially since I think she'll live a long time. Frustratingly, the extravagance encouraged by the carer, for example endless new pairs of trousers and cashmere jumpers (one week she bought six). If we query this spending, it gets turned into a black mark against us - for someone with a failing memory, DM can keep a really good tally of the ways in which we've 'denied' her.

Anyway the latest was the carer organising for a bespoke riser recliner chair company to come round to demo. DM apparently 'fell in love' with the deluxe one and has chosen the fabric etc. It costs nearly £4600. This feels like an awful lot to me but apparently, it's tailor made for her spine, size etc.

Does anyone know if this is worth it? Of course, if it's a buy once buy the best situation and it'll change her life, fair enough, we'll find the funds. But I wouldn't spend that sort of money on anything without due diligence. I feel like we're being bounced into it. I'm also unsure of the wisdom of these chairs at all because might it exacerbate my mother's immobility?

So, if anyone has any knowledge on how much you need to spend and what's worth it, I'd be vvvv grateful.

Ancestors meh. It’s hers. If she wants to spend it, and she’s getting pleasure from it then let her get on with it.

As for the carer….. if she gets on with your Mum and meets her needs then I’d consider gritting my teeth and putting up with her. Better the devil you know.

@Mirabai

I agree. My grandma's move was very positive despite wanting to stay at home. She had become very angry and erratic and really calmed as a result of the move - it gave her back structure and a world that she could understand, with a level of constant human interaction/company available to her.

Yes, she knew her own house, but she was really struggling and could only do the most basic things - going to toilet, simple meals. If something broke or went wrong, for example, she no longer had capacity to work out why and might not remember to tell her children or her carer and then she'd be on her own when she came across it again until she could recall it at the right time to get help - it's quite frightening to live in that way.

Your mother has you over seeing her finances for a reason so you have no choice but to help her spend responsibly.

She could live on, needing care for more than a decade and it is wicked to waste her financial security. Scarves that are not uunpacked and an over priced chair instead of money in the bank for paying the rates, medication and carers is irresponsible.

There will be a more reasonably priced chair or one for hire should she ever need a chair. If your mother had all of her marbles she would be horrified at how her childish grabs for 'pretty' are being encouraged and enabled by the carer and those in charge of her financial security.
Your mother might get just as much daily joy out of simple, inexpensive and healthy things like a peach, a rose, music or a cross work kit.

I'd guess, because the more money mother spends, the less inheritance there'll be when she's gone ... and I did hesitate when writing this and wondered if I was being too harsh but, OP isn't worrying that there'll be no money for carers or they'll need to sell the house ... just that mother is spending it on whatever she wants... I don't like the blame & unnecessary accusatory statements about the carer either.

That makes sense though. If my mother was spending endless money on things like clothes she really didn't need, I'd be really concerned. It's one thing if the mother is rich but I know mine aren't, so I'd be concerned that her doing so ultimately means she will run out and guess who is going to be looked at the foot the bill? I don't know how old your parents are but mine are getting there, and it's really scary thinking of what is going to happen when they get older and run out and I can't afford to pay for everything. I don't care about inheritance at all. I assume OP knows just how much her mother has and how much it will stretch. I never knew having aging parents bought so much anxiety until I started getting there.

Well, I don't have that worry.
My parents were both dead at 63 and 65.

OPs mother clearly IS wealthy and I think the 6 cashmere sweaters in a week is likely an exaggeration but, even if it's not, if mother can afford it, why not if it makes her happy?

I find it strange the carer seems to be encouraging her spending like this.

I had exactly the same with the my mum re the chair. There was a very cocky salesman in her house.

He had brought a sample chair in, erected it and let her test it out. She wanted the chair, I was furious, she signed the order etc.

He and I ended up having a very heated 'discussion'. The deluxe chair was magically reduced from approx £7k to £4750 (be cause he liked her!!!!)

He asked my mum if she was old enough and wise enough to choose what to larn her arse in to watch Corrie!! Then refused to let me speak.

As he was taking the chair to pieces and returning it to the van bit by bit I locked the door so he couldnt get the last bit of his chair, briefcase or order pad. Whilst he was shouting outside and then calling the police I was calling the very well known company to explain the exploitive disgusting sales tactics praying on vulnerable people.

The police came, sided with me, and I got a crime number (to add impetuous to my complaint I think). I also reported them to advertising standards (false representation) and trading standards (multiple reasons).

It still makes me cross to think about it. The whole situation took about 6 hours.

THIS

If the carer was rude, it suggests that she is behaving inappropriately and knows it.

Not to say that she is dishonest (though she may be) but that she is encouraging your DM to buy things she doesn't need - perhaps they both get a shopping "buzz".

Your DM won't want to change though - she'll regard this woman as her "friend" - someone much nicer to her than you are, because the carer indulges her.

pay her to say to your mother 'she is moving away because of family affairs'

For crying out loud . . . don't be ridiculous.

I thought that even with POA you need to justify spending another's money to the OPG which function as a check. Don't you have to supply annual accounts? You have a responsibility as she lacks capacity but there is presumably still a check on that responsibility, yes?

We got a second hand one from the local mobility shop in about 2002. My dad used it happily for around 10 years until he died, another relative has it now and it is still going strong 10 years later. It is an electric recliner/ riser. It cost about £1200 at the time.

"She was furious when I cut the live-in carers from two to one"

If she's got a full time live in
care package the company will be getting next to nothing.

£2k a week for 24 hour care for a full week works out it's approximately 11 pounds 90 per hour. Considering overnight stays which are normally charged it's a higher rate than a dairy rate and only two carers to cover 24 hour shifts I would say that's pretty cheap. Unless I've misunderstood what you mean by live in carers.

I'm sorry for your early losses. It is true then that you won't ever have to go through those older years then, though I'm sure you'd love to have that 'problem'. If it makes her happy, she can do whatever she wants with her money. I'm just at the stage where I'm coming to terms with my parents eventually needing to wear the consequences of decisions they have made over the years, and that I don't have unlimited wealth with which to bail them out.

Everyone is different. My mil was diagnosed with mixed dementia at 78. She lived (with us) until she was 92. Many times we, and the doctors thought her time had come, but she just kept going.

I genuinely feel this is about OP's inheritance. Maybe subtly encourage her to buy things with resale value for after she dies – many luxury brands have high resale value.

Excellent post

It gave my mother such pleasure buying Lancome and Clarins products she didn't need and would never be able to get through - specifically when there was a promotion and she'd get a bonus toiletry bag with x8 samples of other products. She loved the thick card bag with its cord handles , the items wrapped in tissue paper, the cartons came in and then reading the little minuscule print leaflets that accompanied them. Was it a waste of money? - objectively yes, in terms of the pleasure it gave her, a resounding no.

Incidentally, I no longer see this type of promotion - seems main,y to be a discount on items and not the little bundle of the 'free gift'

Does she get attendance allowance or PIP? You could put an application in and this can increase her income. You could also try for carers allowance and use that for carer salary and get a better one.

Have you read the thread? Her mother is very well off.

She doesn't need money. She is spending it willy-nilly because of her dementia.

Also, carers allowance is dependent on the care that someone provides and there are very struct criteria around it.

There is no way she'd get PIP @motheronthedancefloor
A friend of mine with multiple sclerosis, (who's only in her 40s) had to fight for it.

You can't get PIP just because you fancy a type of chair when you can still walk up and down stairs.

Honestly, it's 'advice' like this that just confuses things.

If the Op's mum is spending 2k a week on carers in her home I'm not sure a few cashmere jumpers & some smoked salmon is what will make the difference to any inheritance!

It seems possible that the carer does this shopping for an easy life?

Perhaps if the stuff isn't really wanted (just the pleasure of opening & maybe trying on?) she should also be returning it?

Oh gosh, I'd be really concerned too. She's not frittering bits and pieces - that's a lot of money for things she's not using. I would definitely take action to curb the reckless spending. It sounds like the enjoyment is the spending but then she doesn't enjoy what she's bought, so that's not healthy.

My DM is 86 with dementia. She is becoming irrational about spending - not on that scale, and she lives with my dad, which helps a lot, but it's noticeable. We can't go in a gift shop without her buying soap and a gift for the grandkids. Harmless at the mo (although she is hoarding the soap, always thinks she's run out, and the gifts aren't usually appropriate) but still hard to control. She also wants to buy expensive blouses, which are cold and impractical, so she has dozens of those and not enough practical clothes, meaning the heating has to blast high and she struggles when she goes out. It is very hard to reason with her now and she gets angry if my dad suggests she has enough blouses. It's the same with shoes. They are not broke but my dad is careful with money and I'm sure would rather spend it on other things. It's more the fact she buys things that don't suit her then struggles she has nothing warm to wear / no comfy shoes!

OPs mother clearly IS wealthy and I think the 6 cashmere sweaters in a week is likely an exaggeration but, even if it's not, if mother can afford it, why not if it makes her happy?

Is it hard to understand what's going on?

@Elfblossom

The issue is not the money as such, but her mum's judgement. People with dementia lose their sense of judgement and this buying of too many things is an example of that. Did you read she also has 200 scarves with labels on them still?

This is her ILLNESS - it's not about being able to afford them.

The real issue is that her carer is facilitating all of this as she buys them on the Mum's credit cards.

I thought - if you have power of attorney - you can take control of all the finances if you judge that your parent eg because of dementia is not competent to make sound financial decisions.