When your caring responsibilities finally end... a lottery winning style fantasy thread

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

when my parents have gone and I no longer have to spend half my time off driving around to their house and at their house looking after them and responding to various crises
if DD is still living at home (I hope so because otherwise I still have a bloody long time left of this) I am going to pay for DH and DD to go on holiday for 2 weeks. I shall stay at home, doing absolutely nothing for anyone else at all for the first time in decades.
I shall spend the time planning the extension I will be purchasing if there is any money left; purchasing the harp and harpsichord I intend to fill it with. And I will eat cheese and bread for every single meal for the entire fortnight.

I feel your pain, I have a son with sn , a mum with dementia and everything is my fault ..

I'm so so tired , I don't want my old Mum to die / disappear but I'm not keen on this new one who is so demanding and horrid to me . I'm nearly 50 and I'm afraid there is no break for me before old age/ dementia gets me .

I've been parenting for 20 years .. I really wish I'd made more of my first 30 years as that's the only time I could do what I wanted .. I wish I'd known 🤦‍♀️

6 week ago my caring responsibilities ended abruptly!
I'd spend the rest of my days caring to have my mum back and no amount of money could replace her 🤷‍♀️

DH & I enjoyed our first Christmas in 20 years without having to change plans/rejig menus/ invite random family members/ cook food we don’t like/ eat at stupid o’clock.
We were so relaxed. It’s been about a year. MIL. The first few months , I jumped when the phone rang, and of course DH had a lot of sorting out to do.
But even as I write this, I feel lighter.
i hear you OP, it’s a very tough, and often long , road. 💐

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew this is an excellent idea for a thread.

It's prompted some upsetting thoughts - but that's ok.

A positive answer would be based around pure sensation, so I didn't have to think. Somewhere with a kind sun on my back, warm water to swim in, the driest of white wines beside me.
The negative, upsetting answer would be, that when it's all over I will stare blankly at the living room wall as the sun moves across the floor.

Because as much as I feel trapped by the present,I also feel held by it- it's given me purpose, routine. I kick against it but I have also grown around it. And when it dissolved, I'm not sure who or what will be left of me.

Fuck,that was bleak. Still - good thread.

I thought it was perfectly clear but that's becuase I've been where you are though for not as long. D parent went in a home and it was a blessed relief, sending love your way it's really tough

Well said.

I could have written this. Sending strength xx

Katherine Whitehorn wrote very straitly of caring for her husband in his final months and wishing to get past the gaunt figure in the bed who only had demands for her and to remember once more her beloved husband of 45 years. And she did care for him, and he died at home; she was just very practical about the love she was giving and who it was for.

Was her quality of life good? (Edit: I should have added I am sorry for your loss)

My dad spent his last 6 months lying in a bed unable to communicate. He must have hated it. We were all relieved when he died.

OP, I hear you. Take care of yourself now if you can.

Having a drink or three over Christmas.That was relaxing.

’I will sleep in beautiful pyjamas. Not the black joggers and t shirts of the past God knows how many years. I will have pretty slippers. Not the slip on trainers I have currently to allow me to leave the house decently at 20 seconds notice.’

Yes. 💕 I know that outfit so very well.

H

Why are people on here such idiots.

The OP is looking after her parents.

Her daughter lives at home.

She hopes that her daughter is still living at home when her parents die as her daughter is only 13 right now, and if her daughter has moved out and started her own life by the time her parents die, that's a hugely long time

@popularinthe80s . That scares me as well. I used to travel loads and be really sociable. Not sure if I can find that person again

@CatherinetheAverage - I join @JellyWellyBoots - I could have written your post, too.
The poster quoted in @Cattiwampus - I'm sat here reading in exactly that outfit. The outfit of the exhausted press ganged carer.
I've been up most of the night helping my little mum (physical description) on and off the commode. I really need her to start peeing in her pads. But of course she doesn't want to, just as I wouldn't want to suddenly start pissing into a pad. Over her shoulder is a photo of her and I at my graduation. I look at that young woman and feel obscure anger at her for her naivety. As if I could have been better prepared for what was coming. But how?
@Horsesoncourses it's a frightening feeling, isn't it, that you're lost beyond retrieval. We have to trust that we are still there. If we weren't still there, we wouldn't feel the distress at our current circs? Our distress is proof that we are still there?
@stiffy sorry, I have pulled us off piste, but thank you for this thread- your intent is crystal clear and it's helping all of us.
I look forward to watching an entire film with my partner without one eye on the 'baby monitor' camera we have set up (obviously with her permission) in mum's bedroom.

I have it pretty ok compared to a lot of you - at least I don't live there !
what prompted this thread was realising that out of 4 days off (I work 6 on 4 off full time 24/7 shift pattern) this set of shifts, I was spending two days of it at their house for the entire day abd one day with them at our house, so 3/4 of my days off taken up with parent care. Plus the visits around my shifts.
i wondered what I would do with those 4+ extra days off per month and all the hours inbetween. Hence this thread. I thought won't it be lovely to not think "what shall I do on Monday ? Oh Bollocks I've got to spend the day at mum and dads again"

@StiffyByngsDogBartholomew
i wondered what I would do with those 4+ extra days off per month and all the hours inbetween. Hence this thread

I booked myself onto one day craft activities. I’m extraordinarily bad at them, but they are such fun, and of no practical use to anyone but me and my well-being. I also potter in my garden with secateurs, and rediscovered digging as a basic pleasure.
You might even go to a concert or two.
Listen to a CD with headphones on, not having one ear cocked for the phone.
Buy NT membership and actually use it.
The possibilities are, as they say, endless.

"what shall I do on Monday ? Oh Bollocks I've got to spend the day at mum and dads again"

And then ,if you don't go for one reason or another, feeling horribly guilty.

I think, once you do have those extra days, it will take sometime to shake off the feeling that "there is something I ought to be doing...."

Solidarity and empathy to all those in this leaky boat on a similar uncertain voyage (salutes popularinthe80s and jellywellyboots)

I must say I felt stronger and with more capacity for compassion on today's visit, just from having read this thread and heard the experiences of others, many of whom have had it much tougher for much longer than I have. You are an awe-inspiring bunch. Honestly, aren't women in this stage of life bloody brilliant?

You are an awe-inspiring bunch. Honestly, aren't women in this stage of life bloody brilliant?

Yes. Sadly we have to be. As has been said elsewhere, this is a feminist issue.

We're the default carers throughout our lives. Babies, children, husbands, elderly parents.......

Honestly, aren't women in this stage of life bloody brilliant?

That's not how I'd describe it. Exploited, desperate and resilient until we crack seems more accurate.

It took a long time for me to get over the years of looking after my mum. I was actually so run down but had been running on empty and neglecting my own health. It took about a year to cycle through the guilt of relief and missing the person she was and wishing I had done more for her at the end.

Yep and the comments "oh it was very quiet because we haven't seen anyone"

dad even tried to guilt trip me because DD went to a party on DMs birthday instead of going to spend the afternoon in their sauna/morgue house. "Your mother was very sad not to see DGd on her birthday"

I hear you. OH has been in the UK for 10 weeks looking after his father. We have missed Christmas, NY and his birthday together. The easiest thing would be to move back to the UK, but the idea makes me so god damn resentful. I haven’t really ever lived in the UK, and I don’t want to. This makes me feel like a selfish, spoilt brat, but that’s how I feel.

No, @veiledsentiments , you are not a selfish or spoiled brat. This is your one and only life, it's yours.

@Avacardo2023 I get it too, it’s lovely being on my own at home, it’s so relaxing. Although the dog is quite demanding. 😂

Most of the time I’m stretched between my elderly Dad, teenagers, my DH, work, plus the dog. Luckily my in-laws are still pretty independent. Everyone relies on me, especially for emotional support. Sometimes my bff and I call each other just to offload about the constant demands. 😂