When your caring responsibilities finally end... a lottery winning style fantasy thread

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

when my parents have gone and I no longer have to spend half my time off driving around to their house and at their house looking after them and responding to various crises
if DD is still living at home (I hope so because otherwise I still have a bloody long time left of this) I am going to pay for DH and DD to go on holiday for 2 weeks. I shall stay at home, doing absolutely nothing for anyone else at all for the first time in decades.
I shall spend the time planning the extension I will be purchasing if there is any money left; purchasing the harp and harpsichord I intend to fill it with. And I will eat cheese and bread for every single meal for the entire fortnight.

I’d quite like to get to know my sins and extended family without DM involved. I’m not sure it will work out but I’ll have a try.

If you have memories of your amazing parents in their better days then that’s wonderful. Mine was not great so less motivation to be very involved now. I do it for me and her, not because I owe her anything!

Me and my sister are going to go on our 1st holiday together

Not sure that's a particularly helpful post tbh.

I get it OP, it's the not knowing how long it will go on for and hoping you don't die before they do! Every year it's like, omg here we are again.

As for what I'd do, massive holiday for me, my family and wonderful sibling. Then yes, planning a Christmas overseas!!

Not sure you've understood the premise of the thread tbh.

Op, I’ve never been in this situation but have managed lots of people who were caring for elderly parents at the same time. It’s so tough. You enjoy your fantasy and I hope things get easier soon.

I've already decided I can't wait for them to be gone and I'm not spending next Christmas with them! It might be years yet and I'm not doing it every year.

Sorry you're so stretched OP. I understood your post perfectly. I would choose a jacket spud as my 'I want to eat something lovely but zero effort' meal.

We are fortunate that we have siblings that share the load so I insist we still go away regularly, just have to make sure we don't clash times with the siblings. I guess I am quite selfish but I fear that we would be too old to enjoy our time if we waited until we are free of caring responsibilities.

I'm sorry that you couldn't even have this thread as a little space of the type you were hoping for, @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew.

It's a shame that people are so keen to jump in with their 'confusion' (actually inadequate reading comprehension) and their tales of missing parents that they didn't damage their health and sanity caring for.

It’s coming up to a year since my DF died and I’m no longer panicking when the phone rings, particularly if it’s a withheld number

We’ve enjoyed holidays likewise without the calls- I still don’t quite believe that.

I’m finally able to miss him for the person he was who I loved not who he became in the last couple of years.

I’m still busy doing his papers, accounts and clearing. Seems this doesn’t even stop after death. One day 🤞

Back to the point of the thread: I'm going to go on holiday every chance I can without worrying about what's happening in my absence

I'm also going to ignore my siblings

I have actually gone NC with my two sisters now.

It has made me a calmer, happier person, not having them on my backs all the time.

This made me smile! I've been literally fantasising about renovating my mum's massive house and moving in. Awful I know, and ridiculous because I'll have to sell the house when she dies because all money is going on care costs. But whatevs... In the meantime, I'm dreaming of an extension with an indoor pool and a full on gym and media room in the basement 😂.
(your post wasn't at all hard to understand!!)

Not quite the same but my mum went into a carehome this year and so I went away for Christmas leaving my siblings to deal with Christmas. It was lovely.

Ah this is a sad post

I hear you.
When the time comes I'll be switching off my phone and getting in the car and going for a long drive in the opposite direction of where I have had to travel for the last 24 years.
I will stop at services and drink coffee, I will stay in a pub style bed and breakfast and have a drink in the bar.
My husband will take care of the children and the dogs
I will taste a freedom for just a little while.
💐💐

I get it op.
I lost my caring responsibilities unexpectedly last year when the relative I supported went out for a walk and was knocked over and killed on the road.
It was a shock to say the least.
I haven’t managed to recuperate time or headspace as I’ve been trying to sort everything else out instead but once it’s over I am booking myself a holiday and anyone in my house is welcome to join me but I’ve made it clear that I will be pleasing myself and expecting them to do the same.
I know if I stayed home I’d end up taking on some kind of project that doesn’t need doing simply because I’ve forgotten how to just ‘be’ and to not be ‘doing stuff’.
I have felt permanently on the edge of some kind of crash for the last 6 years, adding some other stuff regarding one of my dc into the mix and i sometimes question whether or not i’m actually okay.
Sending sympathy to everyone here who needs it 💐

I will sleep in beautiful pyjamas. Not the black joggers and t shirts of the past God knows how many years. I will have pretty slippers. Not the slip on trainers I have currently to allow me to leave the house decently at 20 seconds notice.

This is a timely thread for me. My caring responsibilities are ramping up as we enter the final stage (no idea how long it will last, but am guessing no more than a few months) and I am worn down and a bit resentful, and then guilty and ashamed of being so. Torn between wanting it to be over, and feeling like I'll look back and wish for more time.

The point raised by a pp about having time to miss the people our parents were has really struck a chord with me. I want to cherish the dwindling time I have with my mum, but the day to day reality of the situation doesn't leave any room for that because it's all too grim and taken up with minutiae of medication and prescriptions and arrangements and shopping for and preparing food that doesn't get eaten. Washing dishes and laundry. When it's over maybe I'll be able to get more clarity. (And work a full week without disruption and have a glass of wine on a Friday night without angst.)

Thought I’d put a real life one on. DM cared for her DPs for years even though she wanted to live with us (DD - me - DS IL and 2 x DCs). When my DGPs finally died in their 90s, DM inherited their house (only child) and combined resources to buy a lovely big house with us. We now live in a shared house in a beautiful part of the world. She sees DGCs every day, walks her Ddog and has no responsibility. We have plans in place should DM require serious care (she’s only in her early 70s) but for now she has company when she wants it, privacy when she needs it and all the free time she wants.

I was also a carer for DF (divorced from DM) until he died in November. It does end and the freedom feels like a strange and unfamiliar thing initially.

And 💐 and love to everyone on this thread who’s still struggling. I feel you. Solidarity ❤️

For me, the not jumping everytime the phone rang at an odd time thinking what had gone tits up again. I could leave my phone at home and not worry about what was going on.
And yes, the moment the last payment from the estate was done and I knew I would never have to have contact with my sibling again was great

Totally get it OP. I shall be sending the husband away too. Clearing out the bedroom (DM lives with us, largest bedroom, can't move her to smaller one as would increase confusion so DD has equivalent of a box room!). Ripping up carpet, new wallpaper, new bed and bedding, wardrobes - the whole lot. And a new massive bookcase just for me. Then our room will be renovated for DD/guest room if she's flown the nest. Box room will become my office/library. I shall drink hot coffee on the garden swing in the back yard while stroking the dog without worrying what the thud was. I shall go out for the whole day and not be time checking to be back to give DM lunch. I shall play my music loud, and make the lighting soft, and have rugs in every room that are currently too much of a trip hazard. And I will miss her terribly, but no more than I miss her now, because the person she was is long gone.

I'm sorry if this has already been suggested op but would it help to get carers in to help? I know and understand that many elderly people prefer care from their relatives rather than strangers. However it sounds as if you're under immense strain.

Why do people miss the point of the post