When your caring responsibilities finally end... a lottery winning style fantasy thread

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

when my parents have gone and I no longer have to spend half my time off driving around to their house and at their house looking after them and responding to various crises
if DD is still living at home (I hope so because otherwise I still have a bloody long time left of this) I am going to pay for DH and DD to go on holiday for 2 weeks. I shall stay at home, doing absolutely nothing for anyone else at all for the first time in decades.
I shall spend the time planning the extension I will be purchasing if there is any money left; purchasing the harp and harpsichord I intend to fill it with. And I will eat cheese and bread for every single meal for the entire fortnight.

I also understand your post. Much sympathy

Post was perfectly clear OP.

I’m free now, but I used to often think like this. I think the not knowing how long your life is going to be dominated by caring is one of the trickiest aspects. It’s a shame we’re not issued with an egg timer at birth that told your life expectancy! We’d know how to plan then…

And what have i done with my free time? Gone back to full time work and every spare moment seems to involve taxi driving a teenager somewhere! However it is fantastic to be able to go on holiday or out for the day and not be dreading the phone calls!

You have misunderstood the premise of this thread.

The OP cannot "rejuvenate" at the moment because she has caring responsibilities, has had them for some years, and will continue to have them till her parents die.

Yes 100% OP.

I'm in the easy end of this as dm is in a nursing home but last week when we thought DM was going to be free and she recovered (a bit) I messaged my sister saying 'I can't stand this for another year' but what choice do we have? We are all stuck.

After ds went to university I awarded myself a year off cooking and it was absolutely awesome. I mostly ate chickpeas out of the tin.

Dp's parents are mid 80s and we are the closest relatives [girds loins]

But when dm is finally free... I am going to have a weekend at home pottering with no driving anywhere. And I'm not going to speak to my siblings.

Clear to me too !

Don’t do this to yourself. My DP is 95, admittedly in a care home for the last 5 years, but still my responsibility. I haven’t had a holiday in the last 3 years where I haven’t had the dreaded phone call of fall/hospital admission/some other crisis.

I’m retired now and my biggest fear is I will die before DP and my kids will be left with it to manage.

I’ve given up imagining it ever ending - realistically it could be 5 of more years. As for inheritance - that will be gone within the next year or two. Not that I resent that - it’s DP’s money and at least it means I get some freedom now.

I should add DP has Altzheimer’s and no quality of life. If you’ve never been in this situation, you can’t imagine it. My sympathy OP.

Should make clear DP means Dear Parent not partner

Please don't wait to so something for yourself. It is so important that Carers get some respite. Could you get someone to cover for you , even for a weekend. If they have money , let them pay for it if necessary. My uncle didn't want anyone but me but I had to put my foot down. Told him that everyone had to do something they really didn't want to and that included him. Otherwise I couldn't do the majority of his care without regular breaks.

I'd like go have a proper job, one where I can make decisions instead of doing mindless work in between arguing about food hygiene and whether whiskey counts as a fluid.

Oh don't worry, I do do things for myself and have a "respite break" away from it all once a year on my own doing what I love (playing piano).

i just really would relish being in my own home, on my own, for an extended period without the constant guilt I should be doing something else😄

I had planned this to be a fun thread but it has gone a bit awry ! I meant it more in the spirit of " when your kids finally leave home what are you going to do with their room"

Christmas. A family Christmas. Where we can watch ‘made up rubbish’ (science fiction), be in the lounge without someone talking or snoring through everything, play board games, go for a walk… have a conversation where more than one person talks!

Yes yes yes @pickledandpuzzled

we are going away for the first parent-free Christmas, whenever that may be. They are pretty much housebound apart from coming to us, we can't go out for lunch as mums catheter blocks at the drop of a hat. So the last 4 christmases have been spent at their house with Andre Rieu and old war films on ad Infinitum. cannot wait to do what I want.

My mum and dad died.
I sold their home and received a nice inheritance.
I don’t work anyway but I’d give anything to spend time with them.
I receive no pleasure from spending I’m afraid however I’m fortunate that money has never been a worry for me.

I just miss mum and dad so much 💔

Your post made sense to me, I feel the same, I have spent most of my adult life looking after other people. I am tired, I am done.

My caring responsibilities ended just before Christmas, after seven, increasingly demanding years.
I had a long, hot bath. And I didn’t take my phone in with me.
It’s a small start.
I miss my parents from a decade ago, when we had conversations and they could remember things. Not the pain and misery and rage, or the long, slow disconnection of mind, body and capacity.
I approve wholeheartedly of harpsichords, harps and cheese. 😁

Did you have to care for them every day, give up time spent with your own family ? My caring responsibilities and the resulting effect on my mental health have taken my marriage to breaking point.
i see my mother decline, she was my idol and it kills me. It's turned my dad from a happy go lucky chap into a miserable old man with massive anxiety.

I did. And although it was desperately sad watching them retreat into themselves, my Mum particularly, I’d happily do it all again.

My Mum had Alzheimer’s and towards the end was pretty viscous to me, as so often happens. My Dad died and I would have moved heaven and earth to see a glimpse of mum again. The day she died, I sat holding her hand and talking to her, telling her what an amazing Mum she was and that I loved her so much.

Losing them within 4 months of each other was just so sad and although I now have time, I don’t have them.

Im fortunate that my husband supported me 200% and even learned how to use the washer! Every cloud eh?!

He an absolute Gem and we worked as a team.

We all have our own story.
We all walk a similar path.

My mum died when I was young so there’s just my Dad that I care for. Once Im over the fact that I won’t have my Dad anymore. I’ll go straight home after work , take my uniform off, put some nice clothes on and go out for dinner with my husband. I’ll have a glass of wine because I know that there’s no one to call me to ask me to go anywhere and do something or no midnight hospital dash.

We are virtually 9 years in. Only 1 left now or I think we would be totally broken. All 4 was killing us. Early 2022 was particularly bad as there was other stuff going on as well and I had a fantasy of going away for a couple of nights by myself. Just somewhere I could go for long walks and read. I had even planned when and started to look for a suitable venue then FIL was told his cancer was terminal and the battle to get him to accept severely disabled MIL needed to go into a care home gained a whole new level of urgency. He finally accepted it less than 5 weeks before he died. 5 weeks that were spent going in and out of hospital and unable to even wash himself. By the time it was over the chance had passed as my mum's needs grew ever greater. I'll get that weekend away eventually but I think there's a few years still to go.

When this is all over I am never allowing any of my family access to my home again. I am putting the firmest boundaries in place. I am done looking after my family & lending them money. All they have done is drained my resources.

I hope to perhaps start dating again, book a weekend away with DD. Sleep without my quiet loops on, come home from work and just chill with DD rather than run around like a headless chicken.

I will start making an effort in my appearance again.

I have a lot of my families belongings stored in various spots around my house. This also has to go. I am not a storage unit.

@PermanentTemporary can I ask why you are no longer going to speak to your siblings? I only ask as I've said I will do the same, especially after they've completely turned their backs on me & left me to care for our DF while still having to work and be a parent to DD6. It's broken me.

@JellyWellyBoots I completely hear you but in my case I'm only going to take a weekend off talking to them! We've had some appalling rows about Mum's care, though I have to accept they've sometimes been productive. On the whole they are supportive, nothing like the kind of experience you've had.

I would only say that it is sometimes really worth seriously kicking off.

I think this thread is showing how you can relish the thought of relinquishing care duties but at the same time mourn the loss of the people they were.

When Dad goes I will have to sort his stuff and do probate. I’m not looking forward to that. He has a lot of stuff. I found his School Cert certificates and school reports yesterday. Interesting.

But I will still have DH requiring increasing support. And I don’t want to think about when he goes. My plans at the moment extend to no more than clearing his stuff and showing off this beautiful house at its best. Then probably 4 years to enjoy it before I need to downsize.

I am half-planning a Grand Tour of the UK to catch up with friends I’ve only spoken to via email for years. That’ll be a challenge if I have to do it by public transport!