Unpleasant elderly father

[Curioustoknow1]

Never posted before, just wanted opinions please...

We're a small family- me, husband, two teenage kids, (also sister & BIL).

No contact with DH family, (he used to be abused as a child), my mom passed away 17 years ago, only have my dad.

My dad is 74 & has mobility issues, he lives in squalor & his legs keep getting infected so has a carer go in twice a week to change dressings etc. (We've tried to clean & tidy the house, but he just makes it a mess again). He lives in one room, uses a bucket in the kitchen as a toilet, so when I visit, I have to go in old dirty clothes & shower as soon as I get home. We've tried to get him help but he refuses & gets quite rude, we've even offered to get him a stair lift (he doesn't want it). He hasn't slept in a bed for years, he had a bed in the dining room but will only sleep in an arm chair, he also has alcohol issues.

Anyway, he's not a nice man, he regularly verbally abuses his neighbours whenever they walk past his house, he purposely parks his car over hanging the other neighbours drive to make it very awkward for them to get on their drive.

He completely blanks my kids, which is the issue I have, he drove to my aunts house last week to post Xmas cards (he despises my aunt), but hasn't bothered to send my kids a card. It was my son's bday on 24th December, I went to see him on 23rd, even bought him a present, but he hadn't even bothered to get my son a bday card, & didn't phone to say 'happy bday'. I told him it upsets me how he blanks the kids, but he doesn't care, he just ignores me. (My kids are teenagers & he's been vile to them all their lives, so they've become used to it, neither like him).

My kids don't want contact with him, whenever I used to take them to his house, he'd completely blank them, his house is that dirty, that my daughter ended up in hospital for two days after stepping inside the once, so after that, they'd have to stand in the garden when they visited & be ignored.

My daughter was in the car when I popped down last week, he asked me to drive him to a supermarket, he got in the car, saw my daughter & said 'I see there's someone in the back', went into the supermarket, & then when was back home again, got out the car & shut the door - didn't even acknowledge her, no 'merry Christmas', or even a 'goodbye', just shut the door & left.

My sister refuses to speak to him now (hasn't done for 18 months), & both her & my husband say I'm mad for tolerating him.

He makes me ill whenever I see him, all he does is talk about himself, moans about people etc, & makes me so annoyed my heart is racing & then I get snappy with my husband!

Even my kids don't understand why I bother, part of me feels sorry for him though, I'm sure he has mental health problems, but he's kicked me out of the house when I've suggested he needs some help.

He's such a nasty person, but he's still my dad somewhere in there - part of me thinks to just 'put up with his behaviour' & rise above it, but part of me thinks that it's almost saying it's ok for him to ignore/ blank my kids as I'm ok with it?!

Your dad sounds terrible. You're far too kind and decent, and he knows it. You've got misplaced loyalty towards a man who doesn't care about you, your family (or anyone else), and who will never change.

I'm concerned about 2 things - he's got problems with alcohol but he drives.

Don't put up with this OP. Cut all contact, fuck him.

There is a person in my life similar to your dad, but not as mean.
I could not live as they do, with the filth, mess, broken things etc. I too wear old clothes when I visit so I can throw them out after and shower. She hasn't been upstairs in her own house in years.

However we differ in that I only visit when absolutely necessary (roughly 2 or 3 times a year) if I can get away without going inside, it's better for me.
I do online shopping for her, I make chemists deliver to her window, I do not ever offer to clean. She would take up my offer, I would feel horrible about throwing her stuff out and the next time I visited inside I would feel all my efforts were wasted.
I sort out taxis if she needs a gp visit or whatever, I have her over occasionally (again I sort out a taxi to get her here) as yet I dont do her banking, shes competent enough. But the time will come I've no doubt.

Any emergency and i farm it out to others. Her heating breaks, i get an engineer in, her cooker breaks, i order a new one and get them to fit it.
She has tried many many things to get me to go more often (she's lonely) and I bat it back. She is lonely and alone, but this is not my issue to fix.

There are and always should be limits, oddly enough I now have plenty of time to help her, but I know it would be a waste of my time, my time is precious, so most things I do for her are at arms length.

I also give massive monetary tips to whoever was brave enough to go into her home and eg replace the cooker. Kudos to them all, brave brave people.
Shes unhappy with everything and everyone, yet cannot see it's her, shes a grumpy old woman, nothing is ever good enough. No one can take that criticism all the time, so no one bothers with her. And yet I love her sooooo much, I just cannot bear her.

My dad is very like this, not the squalor but the nastiness. I see him as little as possible. He's in his 90's now and I just think it can't go on forever. Very hard as you just want a loving reciprocal relationship 😥

Another saying stop.
Just the alcohol alone is enough of an issue and impossible to fix.

Can you get social services involved, say you can't cope any more. He obviously needs help at home and his mental health also seems very poor. You need to make sure other services know what is going on so it's not all on your head. Someone from outside might be able to cut through the bullshit and make him accept that he needs to clean up his act literally.

Tell him the same, you've got too much on in your family without spending hours a week trying to keep his head above water, he needs to make other arrangements to get his life in order.

You can't change him and you aren't responsible for his welfare or happiness op. Reduce your contact with him and gradually fade him out of your life. You have tried your best to create a relationship with him and he does nothing but throw it back in your face. And please don't force your children to be a part of his life he doesn't deserve their love or time.

You've already had much good, compassionate advice here OP.

I'm going to swivel the situation round and ask you to look at it from a different perspective. What does work? What things do you do that have some reasonably positive outcome that don't stress, distress, or drain you?

So that gives you a starting list for "things I'm ok doing for my very damaged father."

If that's all you do, what happens? Are there - be honest with yourself - any significant gaps that someone - not necessarily you! - would need to fill, or could something low stress like "phone him briefly once a week to check he's alive" do the job?

You're not going to change him, and if any disaster happens it's most unlikely to be your fault or responsibility (his parents' or grandparents' fault maybe, or society's ...) or anything you could reasonably have prevented.

So the goal is to make the most of you and your family's lives, because that you DO have control over. Accept that your father is who he is and that you are not some miracle worker who can fix him, just an ordinary person who can keep an eye out for him. Nobody asked you to do the impossible, nobody worth noticing expects you to do the impossible. And you shouldn't worry about people shooting their mouths off without knowing what they are talking about or thinking for ten seconds. Stupid gonna be stupid, just ignore them.

Clearly your kids are better off without this man. And you are too. Have you suggested to him that he is so rude that maybe you shouldn't come anymore, and see what he says? Like he might at least apologise, and try to explain himself? And if he doesn't, just don't bother any more.

You have pretty much described my late fil. Though he would be charming to his neighbours and would speak to his grandkids, but the mess and filth you described just took me back to his house before he died. Well, apart from the bucket loo. He did have a mop and bucket which we're probably the same state.

I honestly wouldn't spend any time with him. He is rude to your family and to you and he doesn't deserve your time and efforts. He is only grateful you come as he doesn't have to deal with the day to day it's bills etc and leaves him with more drinking time.
When my dh had a huge go at his father and stopped speaking to him, he then got into trouble with not paying his bills and had several red letters.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and I know you feel if you show him some kindness he will suddenly wake up. But the truth is, he won't💐

Does he abuse his carers like he does you? And if he does, what happens? Do carers just have to suck it up if people speak to them like shit?

This is going to sound harsh but you can just stop going. If you can get help for yourself and work through why you feel obliged to put up with this horrible, dismissive invalidating behaviour. Maybe you feel you're doing it for your mum? How did he treat her. I just think it doesn't need to be dramatic, just don't go back. Tell yourself it's for this week and keep going. If anyone asks you can just explain you don't want to be mistreated anymore.

He will not change. he will never be the father/grandfather you have every right to want, or even a shadow of one. I suggest calling Adult Social Care and telling them the whole situation and that you are stepping back. They are not emotionally affected and much more equipped to ensure that he is safe.

Thank you for posting this. This is pretty much my mum and I feel so guilty, it helps to know other people have been through the same xx

@Mistletoewench Sorry that you are in a similar situation. It's almost impossible to explain to people in real life, isn't it. Wishing you all the best - and am happy to talk if that helps.

OMG this is my Dad. He is filthy....
He demands things. Hes rude to everyone.

Wife has not spoken to him for years. And I don't blame her. And I still get "you need to sort that wife of yours out, remind her whos boss and tell she needs to speak to me?" He even said once I needed "to sort her our one way or another". Wow!!!

My kids haven't seen him for years. I used to visit and he'd ignore the kids completely. He once said "oh you've brought her with you". It was all about him having access to ME and my kids just got in the way.

I remember taking him out one day with my daughter who was 4/5 at the time. 45 mins drive to this place, they had a park, of course daughter wanted to go on the slide. She'd sat good as gold in the car while he had his "trip". So I said I was taking her in the park -he kicked off "I want to go home now", "I don't want to wait for you", "Put your foot down and tell her NO!".

And he wonders why his grandkid don't want to bother. He moans once a year but tough I don't make them go.

Best one ever (and my wife will never forget this!). We're older parents, wife was 42 when we had our daughter. I remember telling Dad - wife was there too, that she was pregnant. I got "what on earth did you do that for?", "what is the matter with the pair of you?" "Babies cost money!".

You can image how my wife felt. Went home and cried for hours. What an evil man. I realised after, my son was 10 at this point and Dad was slowly redirecting my attention away from my "baby" so he could have full access to my "services" again. A new baby was taking the attention away from him again.

What do I do now - my wife doesn't speak to him - he doesn't like it tough. My kids don't see him and he moans - tough. I can't visit as often as he likes - tough. He moans and won't help himself - its out the other ear by the time I leave his house. Got to switch off to him.