So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a time of it @AgitatedGoose. I hope when you get there that the funeral is a time of peace for you.

Their ridiculous excuse was that they didn’t think they would be able to donate to a UK charity as they live overseas.

Now we've got used to the idea, my sister and I are pleased our parents specified pre dementia that they didn't want funerals.

Re social workers our experience is that the good ones are worth their weight in gold, the bad ones make things worse and there doesn't seem to be any inbetween.

My Mum actually wanted a direct cremation and I wanted to respect her wishes but have been overruled by my step dad. It seems utterly ridiculous to spend a huge amount on a funeral with a handful of attendees. I’ve made it very clear that I want a direct cremation and hope no one decides otherwise.

@AgitatedGoose I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, and that it is being made more difficult by uncooperative family members and her wishes not being followed by her husband. Why, oh why, do people feel the need to upset the applecart..why can't they use that energy to support you? Just selfish and all about them, I suppose. I guess there is a blessing there though for you..their actions will allow you to be shot of the whole inconsiderate lot.

Do you mind sharing with us the charity that you suggested to her family ? I would like to donate in her honour...it won't be much, but I feel led to do it for you.

Oh, @AgitatedGoose , I just realsed that this may be outing, so I could donate to the charity without giving her name.

Thank you so much. I’m incredibly touched by your kindness and this really means a lot to me. The charity I’ve chosen for family donations is the Alzheimer’s Society. They help fund research into this awful disease and also I used their helpline numerous times when I was feeling really bad and had some amazing support. You really don’t have to do this though. The family member has now made a donation after I sent a very terse email and her son has been in touch to apologise about his Mum’s behaviour.

@AgitatedGoose That is such good news all round. I'm glad you've chosen the Alzheimers Society as the charity. I have several friends whose family members have this disease..hopefully with research a cure will be discovered soon. It will be an honour for me to make a donation for your mum. Take care. Prayers for you for comfort and peace.

@AgitatedGoose DH and I have left money to the Alzheimer Society in our wills.

Name changed - not sure why!

I'm glad I found this thread to say what I can't in real life.

My elderly father has killed any real love or compassion due to his complete unreasonableness and selfishness in his own age.

Since my step mum died he's expected that the family will look after him, refused to move house, to move into care with old mantra ' I'm OK'

He would have us round twice a day if without even blinking, without even caring about the impact on us.

He quite clearly doesn't want to be around anymore; he doesn't do anything but whinge and get nastier in his opinions..why do they get more bigoted as they get older? . He doesn't look after his hygiene. He doesn't spend any money . He answers the phone when he wants and replies to messages when he wants, leaving you wondering if he's OK until you have to go and check.

Recently I thought he'd died in his sleep, but he'd actually had a fall - queue hospital stays, loads of stressful admin and inconvenient visits. A dark part of me wished he'd have passed away then for the benefit of everyone. He now has a carer go in and quite frankly, I could just let them get on with it.

The point is, I guess, is his refusal to do anything to help himself even though he's capable, has led to resentment and anger on my behalf.

I totally get this thread, even though my situation isn't as bad as some, I feel the pointlessness of the whole situation, and the relief when he passes away will be at the same level of grief.

@Sweetpea1532 Thank you so much. I’m incredibly touched by your kindness and generosity. I really hope that a cure for this heartbreaking and cruel disease will be found soon as increasing numbers of people are being affected.

Hi @Aweekamonthayear do you go round regularly, or do you go when he phones you?

It can be hard to watch the car crash some people make of their lives. I'd be inclined to leave him to it.

@Aweekamonthayear why do they get more bigoted as they get older? Please don’t let your experience of one man make you feel all old people are the same. You will be one of the “they” sooner than you think.

New thread here as this one is nearly full
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5036546-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-3

My dad gets worse by the day

his general topic of conversation is "Boat People" coming here.

an Asian/"foreign" doctor is either rubbish and "well what do you expect they probably were trained abroad" or "we had the lady doctor, she's very good, she's asian".

the real low point last week was a suggestion than VMEs shouldn't be allowed in parliament as "they aren't from here". I did try to point out why he was wrong but it's like trying to hold back the tide.

im not sure if he's getting worse with age or it's that he always thought like this but doesn't have my mum to rebuff ideas like this anymore, she is far more liberal in her world views.

Stiffy what does VME mean?
I've looked it up and found nothing helpful.

Visible Minority Ethnic, a phrase much utilised in public sector which is where I work :)

Thanks. I googled it several times and that absolutely wasn't one of the many possibilities

nothing personal @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew , but what a horrible term - defining the default human as white and lumping together anyone that “visibly” isn’t white. It feels very othering. Which is I suppose what your dad is doing.

What happens when they talk loudly like that in care homes? I visit businesses for work and remember visiting a care home just after the EU referendum. The manager told me how awful she felt for the staff, half of whom were from the EU. They had tried to make the trip to the polling station a bit of a day out. The staff wheeled the residents down there were they all, without exception, voted leave grumbling loudly to each other about too many foreigners and sending them all home. The poor staff had the listen to all this.

Apparently it's the "acceptable" way. It's how everything is referred to in the public sector.
it used the be Visible Ethnic Minority but apparently that wasn't right either and they moved the words around which apparently made it fine.
I totally agree with you. As if "white" (whatever that actually really is) is the default.

im sorry if I caused any offence it really wasn't what I intended, in fact it's been drummed into us at work that this is the most correct way to refer to people of different ethnicities to white British

No offence taken - I’m white myself. And usually embarrassingly oblivious to these kind of issues. I’ll gladly use the most respectful terminology I can to talk about people when it’s necessary to refer to their race. I appreciate that in your work environment that’s seen as the correct phrase, however cringeworthy we may find it. Would be interesting to know what colleagues who would be classified as VBE think and what their preferred terms would be. But that feels like a discussion for another thread and another board, not elderly parents.

reading these posts made feel less alone . I have two kids at high school and a mum in her 90s . Her dementia is advanced enough that she lives constantly in the present . Stays in bed all day . Loses everything. Money cigs etc . Risk taking behaviour. I found at work this week she had been using gas to light her cigs and leaving it on !!!
somehow despite living 40 mins away , working in a high stress job ( NHS)and having two children - my life has become an extension of my mums daily needs !
I love my mum but feel totally burntout and resentful!

@MyPinkSquid that's a worry leaving the gas on. My DF has now forgotten he smoked, he was a 60 a day smoker and had to have patches when he was sectioned. Never did I expect to see him without a cigarette! Probably a good thing as the last time I saw him trying to light one he was holding the lighter up to the middle rather than the end