So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

The lack of foresight is one of the most frustrating things. Neither of my parents ever had any. My mum didn't gain any even when my dad died. She remained convinced that somehow she would cope brilliantly for ever. None of the ensuing crises ever convinced her otherwise. But then I was enabling all of her nonsense. If I'd just let her fail, it may really have been better in the long run.
Sorry it's so rubbish for you TheMess.

Oh dear @TheMessThatYouLeftWhenYouWentAway that sounds like an awful situation.
They sound really thoughtless and you've done your best to warn them about practicalities. It's not your problem though if they've chosen this for themselves, hard though that is.

Do they (or your Mum anyway) know how difficult it is for you financially to do this? It seems so incredibly short-sighted of them to move somewhere so impractical and yet then expect you to run around facilitating it.

Mine is at a distance but in the same country and I will not do anything to help that puts my own family's stability at risk - ie jeopardising my job and ability to pay the mortgage, putting my child in a worse situation by being absent a lot. It is incredibly hard (see username!) and my DM moans no end about it but ultimately she chose to live where she does and her lifestyle.

@TheMessThatYouLeftWhenYouWentAway I’m sorry you’re Dad is so unwell and can imagine how stressful this is. I know the end stage of any illness can be long and drawn out and often modern medicine simply prolongs things without improving the quality of someone’s life. I do think you need to have an honest conversation with your Mum about how all of this is impacting on your finances. You shouldn’t be expected to finance your Dad’s care. This is probably easier for me to say as my parents never helped me out and I had an awful childhood so feel less obligation. As @EmotionalBlackmail says you shouldn’t compromise your job or being able to pay your bills.

I moved over 130 miles from home to be with DH, it struck me very quickly how many older widowed people there were in the area. All had moved to retire in the area and then their partner passed away they became so isolated from their families who had stayed in their home counties. It convinced me that it is a bad idea to be so far away from relatives in old age and as soon as DH retires in next couple years (hopefully) we will move back to my own area (his children have moved away and he's much closer to my family)

Hi, @TheShellBeach suggested that I come over to this thread.

DM 79 is in hospital with delirium caused by a UTI. She's been in for 2.5 weeks and we are now waiting for respite care to be arranged.

I am her only relative and live an hour away, have my own family and work.

She has been really nasty to me for most of the time she has been unwell and I'm just mentally exhausted by it all at the moment!

I know most of you have far worse situations than mine so apologies if I seem a bit 'pathetic.'

It would be nice to know that others on here know how it is and 'get it.'

Hi @JamieFrasersSassenach
Have you looked at any nursing homes yet?

Hi @JamieFrasersSassenach Welcome to the thread no one wants to be on😂. It's not pathetic at all. None of this stuff is easy.

@JamieFrasersSassenach it has been a battle but eventually the NHS put a ‘package’ of ‘Reablement’ care in place for 6 weeks for DF and if they do for your DM (as a return from hospital ‘safely home’ package) I highly recommend you step back so the services put in place see how DM copes.

We stepped in to help in December and it wasn’t helpful really as @SeriouslyAgain said, it can just enable elderly parents in denial.

By all means look at care homes - we have but we simply don’t have the funds to put DF into a care home ourselves. His own home is a millstone that is full of hoard and falling down, DF is gradually coming to accept it needs to be auctioned to release the value so his needs can be met. We have had to find a private sheltered accommodation option.

We have learned the hard way that we actually should have let the system step in - we didn’t want to be uncaring monsters at Christmas and DF seemed at death’s door just weeks ago - but we actually prevented him needing to go into hospital so that made it even harder to push buttons to even get reablement and adult social care involved.

But we have our own busy lives and our own families who depend on us to be able to work and to keep going. It has also become obvious we’re not able to provide the extent of the care DF needs - partly because he still thinks he’s the senior adult - so I do regret not stepping back and letting professionals do what they do.

As this thread shows, DF could have weeks, months or years (of poor health) left and you can’t take that on an hour away.

Thank you for the welcome.

Today DM said she would like to go to a care home near to where her house is.

She can afford to part fund respite care and if needs be she can sell her home to pay for care.

As horrible as it sounds I don't want to sort this out for her - I want the hospital discharge team to do it.
I don't have the time to do it and I cannot put up with her nastiness for more than half an hour at a time, it doesn't matter what I say she twists it.

Today she said she was ready to go home and told me to tell the nurse I was there to take her. We went to speak to the nurse who she then told I wanted to speak to about having her put in a home and that she had not asked to talk to the nurse herself. It's very frustrating because although she is very confused and still hallucinating she is also very quick to think up a reason why everything is my fault and new things that I have 'done.'
She ties me up in knots when I am with her, if I say blue she says black etc.

Today I could happily walk away and not go back!

Jamie is she still being guarded by the security team?

@JamieFrasersSassenach When my Mum was in hospital I took a very hard line with social workers and the discharge team and made it very clear from the outset that I wasn’t going to do anything and that it was up to them to sort things out. I made it difficult for them to contact me and refused to attend meetings. As I’ve said on other posts I had a very difficult past with my parents and a lot of my Mum’s behaviour after she developed Alzheimer’s was very triggering for me. Wishing you good luck in this awful journey.

@TheShellBeach yes she still has 2 security guards - the DOLs is still in place.

@AgitatedGoose so far I have only spoken to the ward staff including the ward sister. I would think that the discharge team may try to contact me on Monday, there is no guarantee that I will be able to take the call. I will not be offering to do anything myself. I will take on board what you say you did - I think DM's current behaviour is so hard because she was frankly an awful parent to me until about 10 years ago and this behaviour is very triggering.

Well, my mum did finally die a few hours ago. And having been almost wishing for it for so long I can't believe that I've been sobbing about it. It's just such a shit shit way to go. Years of no dignity, no life. And she wouldn't have had to go through it if it hadn't been for me constantly trying to help and support and advocate; and I do wonder if I was doing that for me rather than for her. I'm so sad for her. I wish she'd died long before she became such a burden. She'd have hated it. I'm grateful that latterly she probably didn't know how awful it was.
Thank you to all on here and in the cafe for being there and being kind. I'll probably carry on popping in to hand out my hard-won words of wisdom!
For those who think it will never happen (and I really did think I might predecease her at one stage)... It does eventually. Keep on keeping on.

@SeriouslyAgain I'm so sorry. At least she's at peace now. I'm not surprised you're sobbing your heart out.

So sorry for your loss @SeriouslyAgain. I think with dementia, death is the end of grieving rather than the beginning. It's okay to feel relieved as well. 💐

@SeriouslyAgain oh

Maybe a different type of grief? A lot of the feelings have to be parked when our elders are in such shit situations, if we're to keep going at all. But they do come out unpredictably. I imagine that I will feel only joy when dm's long end finally concludes, but when she last nearly died I was a mess. I hope you can find some peace over the coming days.

SeriouslyAgain So sorry to hear your sad news. Take care 🌺

@SeriouslyAgain
Saying sorry for your loss doesn't really cut it because it's such a difficult time emotionally.

It's not your problem though if they've chosen this for themselves, hard though that is. This. You’re allowed to live your life as you wish, you’re allowed to make bad decisions. What you shouldn’t do is rely on friends and family to bail you out.

Similarly as family you should give as much help as you freely want to do out of love and family feeling. But when you’re starting to resent it, it’s starting to be too much.

@SeriouslyAgain

Thank you all for your kind and wise words.
I'm starting the sadmin now so I'll soon be sharing my 'wisdom' on that too! Or asking for help!
Thank you to everyone on this amazing thread. It's kept me almost sane at times for the past few months.
All the very best to those still going through the mill.

So sorry for your loss @SeriouslyAgain

Oh my goodness @SeriouslyAgain I don't know what to say other than sorry that you're feeling knocked sideways, sorry that your mother was so reduced by the end, sorry that it went on so long. Not sorry, if that doesn't sound callous, that she's died because from everything you say, her more real self would not have liked to have lived as she was living.

I've done the deathmin really recently so please do fire any questions up. There are things I wished I known.

I hope you feel some sense of pride that you worked so hard to keep her at home as per her wishes. I know you've got ambivalence about this, but for the moment just take pride. It's wierd how much you can feel for someone you don't know, but you have been so helpful, wise and witty on this thread.

At some point when it's less incredibly heartless of me, I will ask some nosy questions about her condition and how it progressed, if that's OK. But in the meantime, genuine best wishes to you and the transition to a new chapter.

[Ps on a different note, we didn't sack the carer... she's overbearing and a bit Mrs Danvers, but does a lot of stuff around the house that saves me loads of work].

Thank you again.
And yes @Valleyofthedollymix of course feel free to ask me anything. I feel like we've been elderly-parent-twins with the cashmere and the bossy carers!

@SeriouslyAgain Sending heartfelt condolences about the sad loss of you’re Mum. Dementia is so awful and relentless that I’m not surprised people feel relieved when the sufferer is finally at peace. It’s not something you’d wish on anyone and I know my Mum would hate the person she’s become and wouldn’t want to
linger on. Take care of yourself and pop back on here when you need to.