So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

[StiffyByngsDogBartholomew]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

Just wondering how others cope with either caring or overseeing the care of elderly parents particularly when the past relationship was very difficult and you’re doing this single handedly either as an only child or because other siblings won’t get involved. I fall into the former category and feel constantly stressed. Apart from this thread I feel there’s no support out there for people who had a dysfunctional family background and now have elderly parents who need help. I have extended family who live abroad and whilst they can’t do anything practically the odd phone call offering emotional support wouldn’t hurt. I’m on Facebook with these people and despite posting several times about how stressed I am they simply scroll on by. I’ve actually reached the point of considering ending all contact with them.

@AgitatedGoose why are you caring for parents who did not care for you?

Can you arrange carers? There's no need for you to do this, surely?

My Mum is thankfully in a nursing home so I’m aware it’s much easier for me than many people on here. I find visiting my Mum very stressful and it’s a long journey. My step father has usually got into a muddle so there’s always something which needs sorting out. I think it’s the increased contact that’s hard as I was previously low contact.

@AgitatedGoose I think I'm still working through so many emotions with my por relationship with my DF. Hes now in a care home and I won't bore you with all the details but as a father if I said he wasn't great it would be an understatement. I dont like to see him in the state he's in now, but I also struggle with how I actually feel as he is a very selfish, self cenetred man who bullied us all. He was never physically abusive but he was emotionally abusive and I find it hard when staff say "oh its the dementia" it's really not the dementia what they are witnessesing is who he really is only he doesn't have the skill to hide it from view now. I have tried reading some of the self help books recommended on here, but then I feel angry about the fact I'm having to read them because he caused this.

Slowly we are beginning to speak in my immediate family about what it has been like for us, I always knew how he treated us wasn't right and I learnt to hide it from anyone outside and to survive as best I could while living with it. I learnt from a young age DF didn't do anything for us unless there was something on it for him. Now he asks to see me and it is still the same I go in and he will demand I sort something (although he's losing speech now so just stands over me wagging his finger in my face). I have no intention of sorting anything unless he's in mortal danger and I will visit when I feel like it now rather then when he demands.

I wish I had answers how to manage, I think do what feels right at the time and try not to expect too much

Sorry. I hadn't remembered that you'd already posted about her. My apologies.
It sounds like a very difficult situation.

I’m going through similar with my recently deceased FIL. I’ve watched him bully and coercively control his family (especially MIL) for years, but now he’s dead, the narrative has switched and MIL has made a shrine to him in the living room. I thought she’d be ready to enjoy the rest of her life free of him, but in reality I think he died too late and she’s too old to enjoy the freedom now.

It’s difficult for me to understand I guess, because I’m an outsider and, despite everything, he was their husband/father after all. But ultimately I’m angry that he was such a shit husband and father and death has absolved him of all of that.

Just wondering how others cope with either caring or overseeing the care of elderly parents particularly when the past relationship was very difficult and you’re doing this single handedly?

@AgitatedGoose re your question, thanks for giving me an opportunity to answer.

My mother is 87 and still lives independently, though housebound now. She lives
a few hours away from me. She hasn’t been a good mother and there have been periods of NC because her behaviour has been so terrible.

How do I cope? We are currently in contact and because of her age now it hardly seems worth going NC now. However, over the last 2 months I’ve pulled back a lot, and “let the chips fall where they fall”.

It’s one phone call a week instead of 2 or 3. One visit every 6 weeks instead of monthly. I now refrain from telling her some things I’m doing eg holidays; only general chitchat.

What I’ve noticed this last couple of weeks is that she is being more pleasant and there are less flashpoints and criticisms coming from her (fingers crossed 🤞 this is the way of the future). It’s like when you install boundaries people respect you more and are nicer!

I’m also doing much less for her, have parred down my duties eg banking to a minimum. Mostly it’s just shopping online (she’s demanding there, but it’s also a pretty narrow job at the same time). If she couldn’t cope further I would hand her care over to social workers to organise (she is self funding and would pay extra for this service to be organised by them but that’s fine) or go into a home, again self financing. I see her getting more frail and tired which isn’t easy but mentally she is full tack and manages well. Most of her demands for socialising are met by neighbours, to whom of course she is very pleasant and solicitous in the main.

The other pay off is that I am starting to feel
so much better and have more time and energy for myself finally. Cutting back to calling her once a week has really made a difference. I think about her a lot less so there’s less negativity in my life. It’s not always easy though; I’ve had to be strict with myself at times. I suspect there’s some training to prove I’m a “good daughter” which I’ve had to consciously resist. But think this will get easier as my boundaries become clearer and more settled. So far, things are a lot calmer and I’m maintaining all my boundaries to try and maintain this new state of affairs.

I hope you have found ways to support yourself in your situation AgitatedGoose 🌺

Good post @BanterBaby

@Jellycats4life you are absolutely right about the narrative switching some days DM will talk fondly others she's brutally honest about how DF treated her and myself and DB. I have never pretended he is anything other than a bully but same as DM hid it from the outside world as a way of coping and because of the shame.

I knew it was bad but I didn't realise how obvious it was until someone I know was carrying out some work at my parents and DF had been interfering, DH called me and said the person carrying out the work had phoned and said he was struggling to complete the job and he needed DF to leave him alone could I speak to him?

I spoke to DF politely saying workman needed to get completed as he had somewhere to be and I realised my heart was pounding and I was stuttering as the stress of asking him to stop was too much. I was glared at, told I was talking rubbish and he continued interfering. Afterwards the workman said to my DH he had never seen anything like it and that he had been concerned for me as DF reaction to a such a polite request was not normal, that he could see mine and DM fear of DF and he suspected there had been DV at some point.

Theres never been DV but constant psychological and emotional abuse. I guess it wasn't well hidden as I thought.

Following my post yesterday I’ve suddenly and unexpectedly graduated from this incredibly supportive forum. My Mum suddenly passed away in the early hours of this morning. It’s been a huge shock as I really thought she was never going to be released from the dementia prison. In many ways I feel a huge sense of relief that Mum is no longer suffering but I also feel incredibly sad about the difficult relationship between us.

Your story is so relatable @Tara336. Except in my FIL’s case he was too controlling to even allow repairs or a workman into the house. MIL is now saddled with a house in a dreadful state. At her age, it’s doubtful whether she could cope with the upheaval of all that needs to be fixed. She’s arguably better off selling it to a developer who will have to completely gut it and start from scratch. So that’s something we’ll have to get her thinking about within the next few years.

@AgitatedGoose I’m sorry for your loss and all the complicated feelings that get dredged up. It’s OK to feel equally relieved and sad.

@AgitatedGoose I'm so sorry to hear your news.

@AgitatedGoose I'm sorry for your loss, it must have been a shock for you.

@Jellycats4life the workman was in our house when DF had dementia (but we didn't know) he was dead against the work being done and only allowed it as DM was paying. He still felt the need to supervise/interfere. We have been left with a huge mess to sort out too as he also would never let any work be done, ive spent the last year firefighting things as we discovered the gas central heating had never been serviced and there was a leak, that was discovered a few days after he was sectioned so we've had to replace heating, windows, doors, clear rubbish, start redecorating to make it comfortable for DM.

DF insisted on everything being "functional" so the house has never been homely and DM is enjoying having it decorated to her taste but it's exhausting for me sorting everything on top of work etc. She also says everytime we throw something (gleefully) "oh he would go mad if he knew"

@AgitatedGoose

so sorry @AgitatedGoose 🌺

I have only read the first couple pages of the first thread, so I realise conversation has probably evolved. however, on the original point....we decided just not to go to hospital with an infection, because it had been a reoccurring cycle. 999 paramedic who attended and GP were onboard. and it was over within a week. isn't this the normal approach?

No. Firstly, you have to go by the wishes of the person concerned. If they want treatable conditions treated, you cannot override their wishes.

yes, of course. our situation involved dementia as I imagine many do. so you are guessing at what the person would want, based on knowing them.

Or based on what they said or wrote down before losing their marbles, even though that was several years ago and without the knowledge or experience that they have now (eg several years ago they wanted all possible hospital treatment but now they've experienced it they hated the experience so much that they never want to go back).

But there is a tendency now to keep alive unless the evidence to the contrary is strong. partly as a result of Shipman.

it is not straightforward at all is it. before dementia my LO would definitely NOT have wanted to live through the situation he was in for the last 1-2 years of their life. in early to mid stages of dementia whilst still mobile and not painful, they became terrified of dying and probably would have expressed a wish to be kept alive no matter what. when we made the decision not to go to hospital they had no quality of life at all, could not walk, eat, speak, had no cognition and were in pain

the times we took them to hospital over the last 2 years of life were horrific, they care was awful and they were distressed by being there

Unless you have strong evidence that they wish to be taken to hospital, if you've got PoA you can argue against, and you may well find that medics carers all agree with you. Best to raise the question now. It's difficult in the mayhem of a "shall we call an ambulance?" scenario. You can get "not to be taken to hospital" written in their notes. I've just had this done for my father, agreed it with the care home, then had a phone call from the GP next day to talk through it and make sure it was the best thing for him in his current condition.

oh, we are passed this stage now. my dad passed last week after we decided not to go to hospital this time. exactly as you said the paramedic that came out initially, the GP and the DN all said it was the right decision. still hard to do it though

I'm very sorry for your loss @GriseldaBlanco