I'm so pissed off with my sister! Perspective needed.

[Catchtheball22]

Hi. I have one sister. She is single no children lives alone happily with her cat. She works full time and has a time consuming expensive hobby where her social circle is. Friends support etc.
I'm married have 4 children. Two at uni and two at secondary school. Husband works away in the week. I ran a successful business up until my father died 3 yrs ago when I decided to take a career break to get things sorted for my mother as it became apparent she had dementia and
Father had his it from us.
At the start sister made it clear ahead of didn't want mum going in a home and when it came to it she would move in and mind her as she wanted to live in the family home in the future. I was happy with that as she would be there for mum.
She was named as lead carer on everything and mums next of kin.
However, three yrs down the line I have been left with everything, I manage mums house, pay the bills do her house maintenance and manage mums hospital appointments and sorted carers for her sorted a cleaner and a mobile hairdresser. I manage her dog for her doing her monthly vet visits et. (Dog is ill too) I haven't been able to go back to work. Every time I talk about it mum has a catastrophic accident/ event or something which means I can't.
Sister is constantly telling me how sick mum she is. How she feels she needs to start looking after herself because she has no one to mind her. I have my own family. We do go on holiday and that is held against me too (even when I'm on holiday my mother will phone me
Crying saying she mosses me and asking when I'm home)
I can't ask sister to do anything as she gets defensive and tells me how stressed and tired she is. She listens to her work mates telling her she shouldn't feel like she "has" to care for mum. It's not like that in the world any more.

I'm now left feeling burnt out with the responsibility of that and minding my own family. I tried talking to her about it as I have to still visit mum 5 days a week and I wanted sister to maybe do some of mums Christmas shopping to help me out. She refused and told me I have all day with the kids are T school to do it and she worlds from 8-4.

I'm just so down about all this now. I can't face feeling so busy for the next god knows how many years.

I should add. Sister has now stopped all talk of moving in with mum and when I suggest it she refuses
To
Discuss it.

I think I need perspective or advice or maybe I'm just being a prick! What you think?

You need to sit down with sister and decide on an equal and fair way to share the load.

I don't think you owe more of your time because you don't have a job. Equally, she doesn't owe more of her time because she doesn't have kids. You need to work out what you're willing to contribute in terms of time, what the shortfall would be, what support you need to bring in from outside and how to fund that.

Ultimately she doesn't get to sit around leaving you to it and then inheriting a big old house. In the real world, if neither of you want to be full time carers at some point then the house is going to end up being sold to fund care. That's life. She can't have it both ways.

If you want to go back to work, then do it and sister or a paid support will need to pick up what you can't do. You basically need to draw boundaries and stick to them.

I don’t know the answer but it seems your sister underestimated the huge strain of caring for someone with dementia. Especially on top of full time work. It’s likely your mum will have to go into a home at some point (no matter how much anyone thinks they can avoid this, sometimes you just can’t), so it might be best for this to happen sooner rather than later, in everyone’s best interests (including your mum’s)

I think you can have a conversation with your sister where you say that everyone can acknowledge that time has moved on and no one can cope. You need to stop talking to her about the plan she had to move in etc and start focusing on what next.
I think if she's feeling this overwhelmed you just need to articulate the best way forward which is basically that mum either has live in carer or goes into à home. I présume you have PoA etc?
So instead of focusing on sister just focus on finding a decent care home for her. You can't continue shouldering all this!

At the start sister made it clear ahead of didn't want mum going in a home and when it came to it she would move in and mind her as she wanted to live in the family home in the future.

Say to your sister that if she no longer intends to move in with your mum, she will need to go into a home. If your sister works full time, she wouldn’t be able to do much in the way of caring anyway.

This, a thousand times this. You’re sister doesn’t want to do the caring, she can’t block the option of a home.

You need to put your mum into a home. Neither of you feel like you are able to deal with the burden of caring for your mum for your own valid reasons. It will be the better option for all of you and will stop resentment building up between you and your sister. Your sister will likely be more open to this now she’s realised it’s too overwhelming for her to take on.

I can understand your sister not wanting to move in with your mother, regardless of what she's said about it before. When reality kicks in things are very different.whoever lived in with a needy parenr would inevitably have their own life really curtailed. Its one thing doing stuff, visiting, appointments ext then going home, it's quite another to live there I think, as far as possible you and your sister need to come to some sort of fairly equal agreement about who does what. Being single doesn't mean she should do more. Having a family doesn't mean you should do more
You each have your chosen lifestyle which you both have a right to. If agreement can't be reached I think you need to buy in more care. If your mother doesn't get Attendance Allowance look into that. It would help pay for some of the care. 💐

Has anyone got power of attorney. Mum needs a full care needs and capacity assessment which you can arrange through her gp, nurse or social services. Neither of you are obliged to do any caring, your sister is no longer moving in so mum needs a carehome where she will be looked after.

So your sister thinks your mum shouldn't go into a home and that you should do more to look after her? She's withdrawn her offer to live with her but expects what? Her mum to cope alone?

If your mum was in a home you'd know she was being looked after and had some company. You wouldn't have the admin role, unless she would have to sell her house etc, but once that was done, the admin role would be over.

If you were my daughter I'd want you to be in daughter mode, not carer mode. I really feel for you, going through this.

Hi op, I'm really sorry your having a tough time. I can 100% relate to you. My nan gor diagnosed woth alzhimers 2 years ago. But now is on her last stages of it.
I had to have a serious melt down with my siblings because they were doing jack shit as I was pregnant and taking care of my other 2 children and my own home.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your sister. Especially if she is next of kin

Yes agreed.

She can't eat her cake and have it.

Also
She was named as lead carer on everything and mums next of kin.

get this changed... She isn't providing lead care....also make sure you have solo power of attorney.

If you have to do it, you have to do it but that means you get to make the choices.

It sounds like your mother is much closer to you anyway.

I would try and have a factual conversation. Don't get drag into "you didn't do X" "I have to do Y" just "this is what is needed: A B and C. Can you commit to doing it going forward? If not, we need to make some changes because it's important mum gets the support and care she needs"

I look after people like your mum. Do what's best for her and make the care home move now so she can get settled with it. Your sister has managed to get the power to make these decisions but is expecting you to do it all? No. Do not let her move into your mum's if she won't take on the job she demanded. You need to be firm with this.

I think you are pissed off because your sister is basically being disrespectful.

Her attitude is this: I have an important job and important friends and important hobby. Nothing may disturb my finely balanced lifestyle.

My sister OP has no job and she only exists to service family, she's a resource to be tapped.

She basically thinks that because you provide care for some family members, your time shouldn't be your own and you should extend your care to anyone that needs it. I.e. being taken for granted. That is disrespectful and denies you agency, makes out like what you currently do with your time is unimportant and certainly less important than what she does with her time.

Don't be her doormat! Are you by any chance the older sister? Did she maybe grow up thinking you were just supposed to take responsibility for things while she pursues whatever she fancies?

Sounds like sister wants mum kept at home so she can benefit from the house , unfortunately if your mum needs to go into a home the house will have to be sold.

Contact social services and have your mother assessed. Tell them you are at your limit. Give mother your sisters number too

Your sister can only do this because you allow her to

Thank you all. I sat down with Sister during the summer when I was starting to feel the pinch because my kids where off Uni and school and she proceeded to tell me about her friends parents who are more incapacitated than my mother who still live at home. She told me I was catastrophiising and that I was causing drama where I'd don't need to be. I had the social work out to assesss mum and she has increased her carers by another visit so she is having 3 visits a day.

This doesn't stop the tearful phone calls when mum is lonely or just feeling depressed or has forgotten where she put the tv remote.

I asked sister at that point to even take on the dogs care as it can be done after work. She just cried and said she can't cope with it.

So my position is that social worker thinks she's not ready for a home yet (despite being registered blind, having dementia and physical issues) she had 3 visits from carers a cleaner and two daughters. On paper it all looks Rosie. In reality it's really hard because I'm the one getting the phone calls and having to arrange everything.

Sister consistently throws back at me that I'm lucky because I don't work and still get to go on holiday. If I tell her that irrelevant she just cries about how shot her life is.

Honestly she has no idea.

We have joint POA can I get mum even private respite without sister agreeing?

I am
Indeed the eldest.

You need to put your mum into a home. - she's not a parcel or a dog to be "put" into kennels!

As long as she has mental capacity the choice of whether to go into a home is hers and hers alone. You can be deemed to have capacity even when suffering from dementia. It depends upon the stage of the illness.

The OP is trying to do her best, but it is a big challenge and she needs the help of her sister and of local services.

The situation needs spelling out to the sister in words of one syllable. And proper help needs to be sought from the LA. There also needs to be proper financial arrangements in place and a power of attorney, if mother is well enough to agree to this.

I used to be a SW with the elderly and this situation where one sibling gets to do all the work and the other is calling the shots is so common.

We have joint POA can I get mum even private respite without sister agreeing?

It depends on what it says in the POA. For my mum, my brother and I were able to take decisions without consulting each other (we never did, but could have).

she's not a parcel or a dog to be "put" into kennels!

As long as she has mental capacity the choice of whether to go into a home is hers and hers alone.

On the other her side, the only reason why the mum is coping is because the OP is doing so much of the caring. The mum is unlikely to be able to organise carers, food, hairdresser etc… herself!!
The OP caring for her mum and doing so much is basically hiding problems from the mum, the sister and the SS. Who then all say ‘mum is fiiiine and doesn’t need to be in a care home yet’.

@Catchtheball22 i think you have to make a decision there re your mum. One that doesn’t involve your sister or her POTENTIALLY helping more (and whether she should, ought to do xyz).
Can you cope with the level of care your mum needs?
Can you (as a family, because that will have some impact on your dcs and your DH too) cope with you not working?
(As an aside, I hope you are still contributing to your state pension!)
Then once you have taken that decision or decided how much you can do and when you pull the plug so to speak, let your mum and sister know. There is only so much you can do and it’s ok to state your limits on how much involvement you can give.

The issue with your sister is a different one.
As she has no involvement with your mum’s care, I’d start by removing her from all those documents (next if kin etc..) if you haven’t already.
Then you need to decide how much her attitude to caring for her mum has had on your relationship with you.
A PP mentioned lack of respect. Is it how it feels to you? Can you forgive what looks like to you like selfishness?
Then decide how to deal with it.

But I’d separate how your sister behaves from what your mum needs iyswim.
If your sister feels taking your mum to a care home or that her care isn’t good enough with what you do, then she can step in if she wants.

I think the wording is "joint and several" - if that's how it's been set up, either of you can make a decision without the other's agreement.

So her position is that your mum doesn't need that much care but if she does you should provide it? She makes the decisions and you suck it up?

She does sound very much like someone who has never had caring responsibilities.

It is up to you if you want to (or have capacity) to take on any caring. It's a really hard thing to do and you would be entirely within your rights not to want to.

So if she doesn't want to either, that means paid help in whatever form that takes.

If she finishes work at 4, chances are she has more hours of leisure than you do. She just doesn't want to give it up.

Could you write your Dsis an email or letter, stops the blubbing when it gets difficult?

Situation is difficult and you're right, you cannot and should not continue like this. Your sis is banking on inheriting a house on the back of your loss of earnings through not being able to work. I'd lay it out - if she still wants to move in, now's the time to do it, but you understand totally if she doesn't and therefore alternative care needs to be arranged.

On a practical note, you could contact Cinnamon trust about the dog, I believe they can help out in situations like this.

You say you used to be a SW with the elderly and say that this is a common situation, with one family member having to put their life on hold to look after an elderly relative.

But you also say that the DM isn't like a dog you can just put into a home, thereby dumping the problem right back in the OP's lap.

When someone is in an untenable situation like this and other family members refuse to help, what do you suggest instead of residential care?

May I ask does your mother live in an expensive property? Is your sister trying to ensure the proceeds do not get swallowed up by fees?

That is fine but she needs to do the work now to stop it from happening