I'm so pissed off with my sister! Perspective needed.

[Catchtheball22]

Hi. I have one sister. She is single no children lives alone happily with her cat. She works full time and has a time consuming expensive hobby where her social circle is. Friends support etc.
I'm married have 4 children. Two at uni and two at secondary school. Husband works away in the week. I ran a successful business up until my father died 3 yrs ago when I decided to take a career break to get things sorted for my mother as it became apparent she had dementia and
Father had his it from us.
At the start sister made it clear ahead of didn't want mum going in a home and when it came to it she would move in and mind her as she wanted to live in the family home in the future. I was happy with that as she would be there for mum.
She was named as lead carer on everything and mums next of kin.
However, three yrs down the line I have been left with everything, I manage mums house, pay the bills do her house maintenance and manage mums hospital appointments and sorted carers for her sorted a cleaner and a mobile hairdresser. I manage her dog for her doing her monthly vet visits et. (Dog is ill too) I haven't been able to go back to work. Every time I talk about it mum has a catastrophic accident/ event or something which means I can't.
Sister is constantly telling me how sick mum she is. How she feels she needs to start looking after herself because she has no one to mind her. I have my own family. We do go on holiday and that is held against me too (even when I'm on holiday my mother will phone me
Crying saying she mosses me and asking when I'm home)
I can't ask sister to do anything as she gets defensive and tells me how stressed and tired she is. She listens to her work mates telling her she shouldn't feel like she "has" to care for mum. It's not like that in the world any more.

I'm now left feeling burnt out with the responsibility of that and minding my own family. I tried talking to her about it as I have to still visit mum 5 days a week and I wanted sister to maybe do some of mums Christmas shopping to help me out. She refused and told me I have all day with the kids are T school to do it and she worlds from 8-4.

I'm just so down about all this now. I can't face feeling so busy for the next god knows how many years.

I should add. Sister has now stopped all talk of moving in with mum and when I suggest it she refuses
To
Discuss it.

I think I need perspective or advice or maybe I'm just being a prick! What you think?

I'm not sure a conversation will help resolve things as your Dsis has a habit of turning on the waterworks when it gets tricky.

I'd write it down as well. This is what I'm able to do for DM going forward and these are what I think are the gaps. Your Dsis doesn't have to plug them personally, but they need to be resolved somehow be that by getting extra care or DM going into a home.

*Things I want to say are

Firstly that she needs to tell mum she's not going to move in with her. Half the problem is we are living on the never never with mum thinking sis is gonna move in when things get tough for mum.

Secondly list all the things she and I are doing and draw some boundaries.

Look at what mum needs and check that is covered.

Lastly look at what mum wants (constant company from us and to have us on call all day etc etc) and see how we can manage her expectations regarding this. I think these wants from mum are what is tipping*

I think you need to reframe some of mum's behaviour as driven by her dementia.

If your sister tells mum she isn't going to move in, will your mum even remember? This isn't the core issue here, it is that you are exhausted.

You think mum wants constant company and you on call all day and that having a chat with your mum would manage her expections. Reality is that this behaviour is very common in dementia, mum is bored as she can't initiate any activity by herself, can't remember that she last spoke to you 10 minutes ago and rings you again. No amount of discussion with your mum is going to 'manage her expectations'.

Mum is who she is now, she isn't going to change. Neither is your sister. The only person whose behaviour you can change is your own and you have had enough.

I am widowed and since then I have needed two lots of surgery which meant I needed help from my family afterwards for a few weeks. I felt really bad about this as I did not produce these lovely girls to have them waste their lives running round after me. Thankfully I do not have dementia but it is so common now that maybe I do need to have a conversation about my wants/needs should that happen over the next few decades. Something for us all to think about maybe.....

I think it is a conversation to have once, with your sister. My own experience tells me that otherwise this becomes endless circular conversations.
You must decide what you are willing and able to do for your mother, and at what point you stop.
Sister may well try to shut you down with tears. You can't make her help if she's unwilling or unable, and neither can she force you. Is mum capable of saying what she would like to do if the possibility of sister moving in is no longer there? She might not remember afterwards but you would have a notion of whether she'd prefer carers or a care home. Of course she might be like mine and stoutly declare that she needs no help at all.
Very difficult.

@AnnaMagnani thank you. I agree and I do forget that she isn't the same as she has dementia. Maybe that's part of the problem with me. I'm not allowing for the dementia. The constant panic phone calls are exhausting.
This morning it was mass panic because the door of the washing
Machine wouldn't open and the clothes were going to smell musty!

Could I ask how you think I can change my behaviour? I'm willing to take on board any advice to feel better about this.

Can she afford home help type care? Unfortunately, due to the mental capacity act, you can't just 'put' her somewhere safer, so it seems that you (and I with mine) risk letting her hurt herself if you (we) step away, before the powers that be will step in and do something about it. I think it's a crafty move, and very unfair on families.

I think you've got to remove any emotion out of communication with your sister. To be honest I would email her with facts, how the current situation is unsustainable and options for going forward.
In your email detail what YOU are prepared to do. Whether it's shopping, 2 visits a week or whatever. Then detail what needs still need to be covered. Tell your sister you BOTH need to work out a solution. Ask her which tasks she can cover, task A, B Or D because you are prepared to do C, E and F.
Don't allow her to avoid committing to any tasks, if she's going on about no time because she's working ask her what solution she has for getting task X done.
Make it clear what you are prepared to do and don't get distracted by her saying she has no time. Just keep replying 'so who is going to do X then?'

How advanced is her dementia, is she actually safe at home in-between visits. You say she got anxious about the washing machine, supposing she leaves the gas on, front door open, floods the sink. Who employs the carers. Dementia will only advance, I would seriously consider a gp or nurse visit to assess her memory, safety and care needs.

My friend had a dreadful time of this with calls all hours of the day and night until her DM was finally admitted into a home.

How would you feel about switching your phone off for a couple of hours a day so you have some uninterrupted time ? But I guess the concern is a genuine emergency will take place.

Unfortunately I think she does need to go into a home and have restricted access to her phone, it's the only solution which will give you peace.

Maybe look at local day centres where mum could get lunch, hair done, mix with other people, there may be local support groups.

Could I ask how you think I can change my behaviour? I'm willing to take on board any advice to feel better about this.
Have times when you switch your phone off. If you got her a care alarm, you’d know your sister would be alerted if she fell, and you could have guaranteed call-free respites.
Don’t buy in to your mother’s sense of urgency. The stuck washing machine door can wait till tomorrow. Or a carer can sort it. “I’ll be around tomorrow, I’ll look at it then” as your standard answer to “I’ve got an emergency, you must come round this instant”
Accept that you can’t meet all her emotional needs, any more than all yours are being met.
It’s good to bring more people into her life. A mobile hairdresser? Someone to cut her toenails? A gardener? It’ll cost. Has she got Attendance Allowance?

My sister will be the same as yours and will definitely not support when the time comes.

However, I also won't be providing support either. As PP says, I'd rather walk into the sea.

I work full time, my mother never did, she didn't support me when she could have and I'm not sacrificing myself for her.

My bf mum is the same, she lives alone. She's lonely and she calls her sons and daughters multiple times a day. She gets a bee in her bonnet about something and then calls and is reassured, forgets and calls back. It's very sad as she's distressed about the thing and the kids are driven mental with the calls. Can be up to 20x a day.
They have a group chat where they share the updates amongst sibs and sometimes one will say they've had enough and stops answering the calls. The other know that they'll then get calls saying I can't get hold of xx. There's not much you can do, it's the dementia. So you'll have to get more resilient at dealing with it.
As I said before, I honestly think some respite care would be helpful and if it was a good place maybe mum would consider it?

Your sister doesn’t want to care for your mum which is fine as no one is obligated to. If you don’t want to/can’t do it anymore, she’ll have to go into a home. If your sister doesn’t want that, tough. She doesn’t get to do nothing whilst you do all the care just as you can’t demand your sister helps. A home is the best option.

I think a belt and suspenders approach is going to be necessary because your sister is an avoider. Its really remarkable how people like that can just ignore emails and tune out unpleasant conversations.

Hold a business meeting, write out an agenda, think about resources and needs, stress that this is a plan for the future not a raking up of the past. Try to hold the face to face meeting first because she might be the kind of person who bolts after receiving the email. Have a backup plan to proceed even if you can’t get her consent.

My mother also has dementia, btw, so I really know what you are going through although I am much luckier right now with the caregiver situation.

The phone calls are a real killer. You have my sympathy. I found when I was in a similar situation that I couldn’t relax, not even for one minute. It’s awful

OP, it sounds like you've been non-stop for about 4-5 years and are beyond weary. Your sister sounds very hard work.

There are many golden nuggets of info on this thread. Great for reference in the weeks to come.

Does one of your home bound students need some Christmas work? Could Granny pay them, but you direct them, to simplify tasks including putting together a short list care homes etc that might be needed in New Year,
and researching how the dog can be cared for etc.

( ALSO Park this thought. Some of your four DC might find themselves POA to her. Anyone taking up that future role would be well served by having a tiny window onto how she's behaving now. )

@Catchtheball22 did you have the conversation with your Dsis ? If so how did it go ?

@Catchtheball22 I really sympathise. I'm about to start a thread about my nightmare sister.

My father doesn't have dementia although his short-term memory isn't great now. However, he manages alone most of the time, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc pretty well. So I can't help there.

However, one possible short-term solution is to see if you can persuade your mum into a short term respite residential care facility for a couple of weeks. It would give you breathing space and would hopefully then have professionals who could witness your DM's levels of need. Your sister would be told that it was a short-term measure , so the house would be safe. My guess is that DM would be much happier, you would have a weight lifted and if your DSis has any compassion, she would realise it's better in all ways other than financially. Can you start searching now to present DSis with a list of options?