I'm so pissed off with my sister! Perspective needed.

[Catchtheball22]

Hi. I have one sister. She is single no children lives alone happily with her cat. She works full time and has a time consuming expensive hobby where her social circle is. Friends support etc.
I'm married have 4 children. Two at uni and two at secondary school. Husband works away in the week. I ran a successful business up until my father died 3 yrs ago when I decided to take a career break to get things sorted for my mother as it became apparent she had dementia and
Father had his it from us.
At the start sister made it clear ahead of didn't want mum going in a home and when it came to it she would move in and mind her as she wanted to live in the family home in the future. I was happy with that as she would be there for mum.
She was named as lead carer on everything and mums next of kin.
However, three yrs down the line I have been left with everything, I manage mums house, pay the bills do her house maintenance and manage mums hospital appointments and sorted carers for her sorted a cleaner and a mobile hairdresser. I manage her dog for her doing her monthly vet visits et. (Dog is ill too) I haven't been able to go back to work. Every time I talk about it mum has a catastrophic accident/ event or something which means I can't.
Sister is constantly telling me how sick mum she is. How she feels she needs to start looking after herself because she has no one to mind her. I have my own family. We do go on holiday and that is held against me too (even when I'm on holiday my mother will phone me
Crying saying she mosses me and asking when I'm home)
I can't ask sister to do anything as she gets defensive and tells me how stressed and tired she is. She listens to her work mates telling her she shouldn't feel like she "has" to care for mum. It's not like that in the world any more.

I'm now left feeling burnt out with the responsibility of that and minding my own family. I tried talking to her about it as I have to still visit mum 5 days a week and I wanted sister to maybe do some of mums Christmas shopping to help me out. She refused and told me I have all day with the kids are T school to do it and she worlds from 8-4.

I'm just so down about all this now. I can't face feeling so busy for the next god knows how many years.

I should add. Sister has now stopped all talk of moving in with mum and when I suggest it she refuses
To
Discuss it.

I think I need perspective or advice or maybe I'm just being a prick! What you think?

It sounds like a care home will best meet her care needs. Dementia homes have carers who are specifically trained to help keep people like your mum comfortable not just physically, but mentally. It isn't a case of you or your sister letting each other or her down, it's just making the choice that is best for her. Lots of people say they would like to stay at home, but things change and can be different to how we expect.

There needs to be a move towards a situation where you and your sister aren't battling. That helps nobody.

I think both of you have too much on to care for someone with dementia. The burden of COGNITIVE disability and depression (different but very often associated) as opposed to physical disability is hugely underestimated, very individual and also enormous.

What does your mother say about a care home, or about increased care at home? Do you think she has a perspective on the situation as it is now? What did she say about care in the past? Did she care for her own parents in the past? It's common for women who did do 24/7 care to be pretty sure they don't want their daughters to do it.

Also does she have the money to self-fund a care home if SS continue to say she doesn't need one?

I would do the following:

• take your mum to the GP re her depression/anxiety
• do a care diary for a week including ALL the things you do and the actual time they take
• ask for a social services reassessment with the diary

-discuss the situation with your mum

• stop focusing on your sister - but keep her updated by email.

Hey OP,

I would sit down with your sister and have a firm, honest chat. Say you are struggling to care for mum on your own, and if she is not willing to step up then we need to discuss a care home arrangement.

If sister disagrees, then you should go back to adult social care and ask their advice.

If your mum does not have the capacity to decide on where she lives, it’s the power of attorney responsibility to decide in the best interest of your mum. If two of the POA are disagreeing, you need an outside professional to support.

Maybe you should start visiting a few care homes - with or without your mum and sister. Things escalate quickly and at least you will be more prepared and have done some ground work. Tell your sister what you are doing and it might shock her into helping a bit more.

It's a bungalow in a middle class area in NI. So not worth London prices but pricey for here.

Yes she doesn't want to loose the house to pay for care home.

I would recommend the book Contented Dementia. It is very good at helping you assess what is reasonable and feasible when it comes to caring for someone with dementia. Your sister should read it too.

Exactly
We have this but all work.
We have carers going in

Get a date for returning to work
(Don't tell mum)

Get carers in.

Make sure it is all running smoothly.

Go back to work.

My dp doesn't want to go in a care home , that's fine but carers it is then.

Also get social services ti do an assessment.

We also dp at day once a week which is brilliant.

Don't put your sister in the equation.

She has chosen to relinquish any responsibility for your mum.

I think as a starting point you need to get everything on paper. Get a sheet of a4, divide in to 6 and then write your name and frequency, your sisters name and frequency and outside car and frequency. Then write each and every thing you all do in each column and how often you do it. When it comes to frequency maybe colour code it, red for daily, amber for weekly, green for monthly. You should be left with a document that highlights how much more you’re doing and how much more frequently you’re doing things. It’ll probably also highlight that paid staff offer lots to your mum. Don’t worry about being pedantic about tasks either. Add things like emotional support, hair cuts etc. Send it to your sister and say I’ve created this document to help social services understand mums level of needs because I’m struggling to meet them and we need to think about next steps for her. Ask her if she thinks you’ve missed anything. It’s not a direct challenge to her but should give her pause to think about what she contributes. If she then chooses not to invest more time and energy you know that’s an active choice and you need to make decisions that work for your family in a guilt free way.

I think emails are a good idea
and I do think drawing up a list with roles and responsibilities so you can identify who is responsible for what and identify any “gaps” In care.

I recognise that the problem is currently in the OP's lap, but that does not change the fact that someone cannot be admitted to a residential home without their agreement unless the do not have mental capacity to make such a decision. The stress of caring for this lady and the sister's lack of input - neither alters that fact. No-one can "put" someone else in a home without their consent, unless certain stringent conditions are met. I am sure that you would not wish someone to do this to you without your clear agreement.

Even with power of attorney in place, evidence of absence of mental capacity would have to be sought.

I agree that a clear written or email communication with the sister needs to happen, spelling out the OP's need for care to be shared, and co-operation over future decisions.

Could I ask OP what her mother's views on the situation are? - and how far she recognises her need for support?

I can see both sides here.

She has a full time job and a time consuming hobby. If its something like having a horse it's really is like another job, they need exercising mucking out etc every single day. So the reality is you do actually have more time than her in the day. However you shouldn't be taking on more than you can manage

You need to arrange proper care for your. Mum. Also have at least one day off at the weekend. Or tell your sister that you will alternate weekends with her

Serious chat time

Start looking at care homes, you're her daughter not her carer. If your sister insists she's not going into one let her deal with it. You'll burn yourself out mentally and physically if you continue like this, you need to toughen up a bit..............

F

If caring for your mother is your blocker for going back to work then you need to set up an alternative arrangement. I would proceed with plans to return to work and tell your sister that as you need to work due had to help or help you look for a suitable care home. It's not fair on you and the toll it takes caring for someone with extensive issues

"social worker thinks she's not ready for a home yet (despite being registered blind, having dementia and physical issues) she had 3 visits from carers a cleaner and two daughters. On paper it all looks Rosie. In reality it's really hard because I'm the one getting the phone calls and having to arrange everything"

The social worker thinks it's working because it is working - you are making it work. If you step back and withdraw your help, it will all fall apart. But you would have to be prepared to step back. If you carry on filling all the gaps the social worker will be happy to let you.

I think you need to spell out to your sister that your mother will at some point soon need to go into a care home and sell the house to fund it. That is the reality, and however much your sister cries isn't going to change that. Your sister isn't willing to help and you can't make her, but you absolutely can refuse to shoulder the burden on your own.

Your sister needs to either step up and care for her or the house needs to be sold to pay for care. You need to be blunt with your sister and explain these two options.

Your mum would probably be happier in a home being looked after 24/7 rather than alone with 3 fleeting visits from carers a day. Your sister is being selfish, she doesn’t want to care for her but wants the inheritance. Get a solicitor involved if you need to.

Look, social work will say she doesn't need a home because you are shouldering so much of the burden here.
In my view it's better she settles herself somewhere where she can be properly looked after. If you leave until the dementia is very bad it may be very distressing for her (depending on how the dementia manifesrs). If she goes now and can engage in the process she may feel differently about being there.
Could she go in for some respite care and if she finds it good then suddenly the conversations become a lot easier because you're dealing with facts not opinions.
As for the house, forget about it. It'll have to be sold most likely and you'll just have to getr get her comfortable with that or you need to pretend to her that it hasn't been sold if you have PoA and she's not got capacity to make these decisions. Either way assuming she lives for a good bit longer there's almost no prospect of her improving so it will be eaten up with fees regardless.
You are going to have to put your foot down OP. Your sister won't

If you were to be run over by a bus this afternoon what would happen to your mother then? Would your sister move in and take over or would mum be shipped off to a home? Unfortunately dementia only gets worse but you may have many more years of caring to go…I’d be researching care homes in your position.
My cousin has devoted the last 20 years of her life, since her father died, to caring for her mother. She’s now nearly in her 70’s and her mother is late 90’s but i think she so entrenched as a carer now, that she can’t consider other options, because “it wont be for much longer” - she’s been saying that for about 10 years now! Her brother would have taken the care home route years ago, and does absolutely nothing to help. Look after yourself OP.

I think OP shouldn't be taking on more than she wants to not more than she can manage.

If OP sister had a horse - pay someone else to do mucking out etc while she looks after her DM, or else pay someone to look after DM while mucking out horse.

I'd imagine OP's day starts about 7, gets kids to school 8.45 or so, chores and housework take up almost all the day, then shipping kids around, cooking, cleaning, homework help etc in evenings and finished at 10 or so.

Well then Dsis shouldn't have volunteered to move in with DM "when the time came".

I get it most of us don't particularly want to sacrifice our lives for our DPs and even if she did move in, it doesn't really resolve the issue unless she gives up her job as well.

But DSis needs to admit that she is not prepared to do it and stop expecting OP to pick up everything and then turning on the tears when she is asked to do anything.

I think your sister also needs her eyes opened about dementia OP, she said she'd live in but maybe pictured a rosy scene where she made a cup of tea now and then. Dementia can be full on and very challenging. Does she actually know what late-stage dementia looks like? There might be sweet moments along the way but she needs to have a realistic understanding of it.

Which LPoA do you have, do you both have it? How much capacity does Mam have just now?
Is there any cash or just the house? Could you get a live in carer?

I'm sorry but this post made me so cross on your behalf! Your sister is a selfish bitch. I've one like that too.

All she cares about is getting her mitts on her inheritance and she doesn't care what sacrifices you have to make so that she can have it - while she sits on her hole and does nothing to help!

You need to tell her you can't do it any more. And you can't. You are enabling her to work whilst you can't.

Make arrangements to go back to work and look at care homes. I wouldn't give a damn how much the selfish cow turns on the waterworks.

I bet four children are way more time-consuming than whatever her hobby is!