I'm so pissed off with my sister! Perspective needed.

[Catchtheball22]

Hi. I have one sister. She is single no children lives alone happily with her cat. She works full time and has a time consuming expensive hobby where her social circle is. Friends support etc.
I'm married have 4 children. Two at uni and two at secondary school. Husband works away in the week. I ran a successful business up until my father died 3 yrs ago when I decided to take a career break to get things sorted for my mother as it became apparent she had dementia and
Father had his it from us.
At the start sister made it clear ahead of didn't want mum going in a home and when it came to it she would move in and mind her as she wanted to live in the family home in the future. I was happy with that as she would be there for mum.
She was named as lead carer on everything and mums next of kin.
However, three yrs down the line I have been left with everything, I manage mums house, pay the bills do her house maintenance and manage mums hospital appointments and sorted carers for her sorted a cleaner and a mobile hairdresser. I manage her dog for her doing her monthly vet visits et. (Dog is ill too) I haven't been able to go back to work. Every time I talk about it mum has a catastrophic accident/ event or something which means I can't.
Sister is constantly telling me how sick mum she is. How she feels she needs to start looking after herself because she has no one to mind her. I have my own family. We do go on holiday and that is held against me too (even when I'm on holiday my mother will phone me
Crying saying she mosses me and asking when I'm home)
I can't ask sister to do anything as she gets defensive and tells me how stressed and tired she is. She listens to her work mates telling her she shouldn't feel like she "has" to care for mum. It's not like that in the world any more.

I'm now left feeling burnt out with the responsibility of that and minding my own family. I tried talking to her about it as I have to still visit mum 5 days a week and I wanted sister to maybe do some of mums Christmas shopping to help me out. She refused and told me I have all day with the kids are T school to do it and she worlds from 8-4.

I'm just so down about all this now. I can't face feeling so busy for the next god knows how many years.

I should add. Sister has now stopped all talk of moving in with mum and when I suggest it she refuses
To
Discuss it.

I think I need perspective or advice or maybe I'm just being a prick! What you think?

Could you possibly sell your mum's house and get her to move in with you,it will be easier if she's living with you, and the money from the house can help you financially support her and you. As you're her full time carer you should be claiming carers allowance for your mother.

How will your family finances be compensated for your three years loss of earnings? You are enabling the current situation by providing a lot of unpaid care, for which I would think you’ll never be compensated unless there is provision within the estate. Your sister needs to face the reality that more care is needed than you are able to provide so a residential option is needed and the house will have to be sold. The other option is she takes the next three year hit and moves in with mum as unpaid carer to preserve her inheritance. But she’s happy for you to give up your leisure time and less so for her to do it …..

I really feel for you @Catchtheball22 As other posters have pointed out, your mother is coping at home because you are shouldering* *the burden of care. I'm in a fairly similar position. The only way anyone will realise that my mother can't cope is if I back away from it and leave her with just her 2x daily care calls.
That is really difficult to do because my visits and the tasks I do for her help keep her safe, fed and in a clean home.

The mental capacity irritates me a bit because it seems to be that the person who's capacity is considered is deemed to be more important than the person caring for them.
So someone doesn't want to go into a home...so they and the social services expect their relatives (usually one daugher ime) to look after them. Where is that daughter's right to choose? I suppose the relatives can decline to do the caring, but does that not leave them open to charges of neglect?

It is a very very difficult situation all round 😔

I would list all that you do, and then highlight all the things that you will no longer be able to do from 1st January.

Send that document to both sister and social services and say that form that date someone need to take up the gap.

Ask social services if they need to re-asses based on the new information.

You need to force the issue with SS. They will do nothing as long as you pick up the slack.

My friend forced the issue with her father. He had dementia. Her mother was 80 and struggling to cope. He was in hospital and they assessed him to come home as fine, because he had support and help at home (his wife). They also said he needs help getting up and dressed (he was tall she was tiny and frail) and he mustn't be left alone at all.
He was deemed to have capacity for this decision because at the moment they assessed him he was quite clear that he wanted to go home.

My friend went up to the hospital and said that her mum was coming to live with her, so they could discharge him, but it would be to an empty house and they needed to arrange carers for him. Suddenly it became an unsafe discharge and he was discharged into a home.

"I suppose the relatives can decline to do the caring, but does that not leave them open to charges of neglect?"

No, not at all. You can refuse to care for a relative for any reason, or no reason at all. It may seem as if it is 'expected' but you do not have to meet those expectations, you are not obliged to do hands-on care for a relative. The relative can pay for care, or Social Services would need to provide care if the person had no funds.

I can't refuse to care for her she's my mother! Jesus Christ she feels lonely and hard done by as it is could you imagine if I refused to care
For her?
My sister rents a horse. So essentially im covering so she can go and shovel
Someone else's horses shit! Apparently that other girl just isn't coping and needs sisters help
And support.
Let me say this isn't new, she has always had more time for friends than family. She has a real thing about being the single one and having
To look out for herself.

Well she does have to look after herself. Because when she is your mother’s age there will be absolutely no one to give her a hand. For sure the rented horse isn’t going to answer her calls.

God no, I don’t think this would be easier, at least not in the long term. OP is hoping to go back to work, shouldering 100% of the burden is definitely not going to help.

And regarding the family home, nobody wants to have to sell it, but them’s the breaks!
From my own experience, it is a thousand times harder to find a care home if you leave it ‘too late’. Finding a home that will accept her gets a lot harder as the dementia gets more advanced. It’s not always best to stay at home for as long as possible

Well, if you can’t refuse to care for her, and your sister won’t, then you’ve just got to grit your teeth and get on with it possibly until there is some sort of crisis that makes a home the only choice. Playing the martyr will do you no good, and this might well go on for years yet. You deserve a life too, as does your sister.

The only person who can help you is you. Your sister isn’t going to, clearly.

So your choices are either to take the bull by the horns and insist that a care home is needed (the SW’s opinion is irrelevant really, your DM will be self-funding), to refuse to care for her (unpalatable, obviously), or carry on as you are.

Your sister is being unfair and selfish, and a massive CF wanting to secure her inheritance off your back, but that’s not illegal. You can’t force her to become a carer, but you can probably railroad her into a position that is less unfavourable to you.

Stop being so nice. You deserve a life of your own as much as anyone else. 💐

But if she actually showed willing to be part of a family - our family like we have invited her to be we would look after her!
But she only wants to
Please herself. She's happy to come for Christmas or visit when her friends let her down but always on her terms and would have no qualms about cancelling should she get a better offer.
I married when she was still at school and she's always been like this. Now we are in our 40's and 50's it doesn't work!

You can withdraw care if its affecting your health, does mum realise how much you do, does she want you to get extra help. You can ask for a carers assessment and carers allowance, are the household bills direct debit, food shop online, anything to ease the load, what do the carers think, can mum get extra care during the day or night.

Yes but there is no use expecting her to change. She is self centered and anxious. Especially around issues of family life. She never formed her own family and is a hanger on to others. Probably a big sense of FOMO as well. She is not going to step up and care for/about anyone. But she will certainly complain and demand care and attention when her friends no show in her 60s and 70’s

What do you mean she was named lead carer? That's not a thing.

Does your mum claim a disability benefit and therefore your sister gets carers allowance? Unlikely if she works.

If you mum gets Attendance Allowance you can claim carers allowance for you- not al lot but given you aren't working will be some income.

You can't simply put a parent in a home either - if she has capacity she can say no.

Approach social services for a care needs assessment and maybe there's some care at home that can take the pressure off you.

Yes we do click and collect. Had to stop house delivery as she was unable
To move shoppingFrom Door. So that is one thing sister does. She adds mums shopping
On to hers and collects it once per week then she takes it to mums and
Puts it away. I get things she wants or need from shop during week and I arrange for meals to be delivered into her freezer weekly which either me
Or carers heat and serve.
Carers think she's a lovely old lady and they are god to her. They say they visit women who are better than mum but also some worse off.
She is away I do more but because she doesn't see sister often she greets her like the
Prodigal son when she comes around and she won't ask her to do anything in case it puts her off visiting.

Slightly different perspective

My (older) sister does almost nothing

Since dad died 5 years ago, I looked after mum and travelled a fair bit every week to do that.

This summer she became very ill and refused carers. I have moved near her - which probably partly led her refusal to get carers!

Then I had a nervous breakdown and she had to go in respite care.

I can see what happened with your sister. I am still asked "why don't you move in with your mum". Because it's so depressing, I'd rather walk into the sea. Not a joke.

Also, being in a care home doesn't mean the frequent calls will stop.

I admire your ability to care for your mum. But please remember not all of us have that. It literally made me ill.

If your mum is refusing a care home, you might need to start trying to talk her round, though I fully realise that might not work.

But please don't blame your sister for being unable to cope. I didn't plan on physical care for mum - never did I dream she'd refuse carers when ill - but I find the constant housework and non physical care etc too much.

There's another chap on this board whose sister had a nervous breakdown due to elderly parent problems. I think it's probably more common than is known about.

you mention your sister cries and talks about having a shit life. Maybe she's in my position - she hasn't got a shit life but mum brings her down so much, she thinks has? I feel that way a lot.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. So what is your advice? I'm really interested to know what you think I should do? How would you approach this?

You need to get a carers' assessment done and have a frank conversation with both sister and SS about how your mum is managing with your help.

I've been in v similar situations to both you and your sister at different points in my life. Both are tough, but for different reasons. I was the single working woman who moved back in to help parents out. I had little idea what I was taking on. I ended up not working for a few months whilst one died, that drained my savings as I still had to buy food and pay bills. I realised I was never going to be able to live independently, have a career, relationship or family of my own if I stayed. So I moved out, initially 30 mins away, later on 5 hours. Now I have the career and the family, and getting pulled in all directions by expectations of caring for the surviving parent.

It isn't easy for either of you. The reality of being a single person living alone is that everything falls on you and it's really lonely - you have to work to pay the bills, save into a pension, there's no one else to share household responsibilities with like cooking and cleaning. Maybe she thought moving in would mean sharing the cooking with your Mum? Or having some company and had no idea of the reality of dementia. Maybe she was after the inheritance. Who knows? I can understand her spending time with her friends - that's her support network.

You have older children/adults at university, not toddlers, who presumably can be left to get some food, maybe even overnight. Yes, you will have more free time than she does. That doesn't mean you should spend it caring for your Mum. That's your choice.

Get the assessments done. Put boundaries in place. She's ringing you during the day? Don't take the call if you don't want to. Presumably your sister is at work (I don't take calls from my Mum during working hours else she'd be on the phone all the time). Work out what you're prepared to do in terms of lifts to appointments, shopping etc. I found it was impossible to manage hospital appointments and a FT job, hence not working for a few months.

You need to get out of the mindset that the other sibling has it "easier". Neither of you do. Neither of you had to provide care, both of you have a choice but you both need to face the reality that it will probably mean a home.

What would happen if you became unable to care for mum. Do you need to visit every day, do a midweek shop, take her to hospital visits? Do you carry out any personal or physical care. Are the carers private, can they be increased, I would ask if there are befriending services who could help, AgeUK, community kindness groups.

I'd start with

• are your mum's needs covered? I mean needs, not wants. So the Christmas shopping for example - why does that have to be a big job?

• If not, I'm unclear with who doesn't want to sell the house, is it your sister or your mum? Care home sounds like a good option but obviously not if mum is unwilling. My sister is worried about the cost of care home but I've told her she has to suck it up unless she's willing to help.

• Be realistic about mum's "wants". If she's at the stage where she is unhappy all the time, do regular visits cause unhappiness for you and your sister as well? If they don't cheer her up, and she can't remember them, you should cut back

• Don't remind your sister that she said she'd move in with mum. It's a blessing she realised it was a bad idea before actually doing it.

Depending on your mum's age, this could go on for a very long time, I'd outsource as much as possible.

It's really good that your sister has a support network, mine have vanished. It's really important that she keeps hold of them. I realised today that if I was in hospital, I'd probably have no visitors as what is left of my support is now two hours away by train. I'm going to try church etc but brutal honesty, I'm concerned in case it's full of old people who are looking for a support network.

I have helped out elderly neighbours since I was about 22. I'm becoming very aware there's no one to help me out. So don't ask your sister to give up important stuff.

I think there comes a point where you have to accept you're dealing with a set of practical problems and try to minimise the damaging effects on others.

I note you say " I can't refuse to care for her she's my mother! Jesus Christ she feels lonely and hard done by as it is could you imagine if I refused to care
For her"

That's how I felt even a week before my breakdown, I didn't see it coming, suddenly I was keening in a corner and had to call for help. My mother was in bed, too dizzy to sit up.

Do you want to pull back? My mistake was giving too much that 5 years. It set the bar way too high. It sounds like you might have done the same.

My mum doesn't have any cognitive conditions but is starting to forget when I last visited. I'm not sure it makes a huge difference to her quality of life and makes me unhappy.

A great saying I got from here is "you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm".

Sorry about the weird formatting, dunno how that happened!

Op please don't Martyr yourself.
You have 4 children.
If you carry on like this , you will become ill.
Then who will look after your kids?
Your mum?

By stepping back you can get other plans in place.

None of us can give up work to care for dp - we would end up being ill and having no money to pay bills.
How would that help anyone?

But what we can do, and want you can is find a new plan.

It's great that you love your mum and want to look after her, but it's not great that doing it is destroying you - and you won't stop, despite alternative - that's a martyr.

I've sat this morning and re read all your messages - thank you.

I realise I just need to stop back. I'm pissed of and jealous that sister has been able to do this and I haven't. But like you all say that's my problem
Not hers. I've asked to meet up with her to talk about this. Things I want to say are

Firstly that she needs to tell mum she's not going to move in with her. Half the problem is we are living on the never never with mum thinking sis is gonna move in when things get tough for mum.

Secondly list all the things she and I are doing and draw some boundaries.

Look at what mum needs and check that is covered.

Lastly look at what mum wants (constant company from us and to have us on call all day etc etc) and see how we can manage her expectations regarding this. I think these wants from mum are what is tipping
The balance for me if I'm honest.

Have I forgotten anything?

Well done @Catchtheball22 You've had some great advice on here. Very best wishes to you and all your family

Ps highly recommend joining or at least lurking on the cockroach threads.