Why would my aging mother lie about this? *title amended by MNHQ*

[XmasStag]

A cousin of mine died a few years ago. Around about the time of his annivasary my aunt texted me to say thanks for the card and for the mass for X (her son's name).

I never knew any of this.

When I got home I asked my mother and she said she sent a card to her and she said she will get a mass said in his name and then she signed it from the two of us.

I never knew any of this.

Anyways my mother never went to the local priest and she never got any mass said. I reminded her a few times since then but all it did was anger her and it's clear she has no intention of getting any mass said.

Why would she lie on her dead nephew?
It's dispicable.

Would it assuage your concern if you arranged the mass? At least you can then look your Aunt in the eye and say it was done.

Only your mother knows why she said (in writing the card) such a thing to your Aunty and then reneged on it. Maybe it just made her feel good at the time?

Try not to let it come between you.

It wasn't me that promised a mass.

But it's you it's irritating though. It'll give you a chance to put it to bed.

It sounds similar to when I say to people that I'll pray for them. I say it because it makes them feel better, but I don't do it because I don't actually believe in God. Nobody is hurt. I feel like maybe this is similar? Thinking there's been a mass said for you is just as good as there actually being one - in that it actually does nothing, but may provide comfort.

No, not all people lie like this. I do think promising and not delivering is fairly normal though.

It's clearly bothering you so go to see the priest and ask for the mass to be said. It's not a big thing to do. Then you can let it go. I'd tell your Mum you'd done it too.

My Catholic mother would fervently disagree with you on this and would be very upset if she ever found out you were lying.

If it bothers you so much, you could move out and get your own place?

On the basis that I don't believe in God, I wouldn't say to anyone that I'd pray for them. I don't pray. It would be hypocritical and a lie.

I don't understand how a mass helps those who are already dead, but I can see how it can bring comfort to the living.

OPs mother might have had good intentions, but it is wrong to have made assurances to the Aunt and then not followed up. Equally, it isn't OPs responsibility as she never promised anything.

It's not really any of your business is it.

how old is she? And does she have a history of this kind of thing? If not maybe it is age related. Elderly people can do strange things sometimes.
If it’s bothering you that much then get a mass said. Although it sounds more like it’s her behaviour that’s bothering more than the mass itself.

I don’t think it’s despicable. I think it’s a harmless white lie. At least your mum remembered the anniversary and made a gesture towards your aunt which is more than you did. And yet you seem to be annoyed that your mum covered for you by putting your name on the card instead of being grateful to her for including you.

Your mum absolutely did not “lie on her dead nephew”. That’s silly talk.

Is your mum one of those people who says things that she doesn’t really mean? I mean the sort of person who says “Let me know if you need any help” then doesn’t help when asked? Are you angry that other people are unaware that she’s full of shit?
If the priest saying mass would help you feel less angry then you should organise it yourself.

Good grief talk about if you really think this move out and be a grown up

I'm with you, op, it's a very specific thing to promise and she shouldn't have promised it with no intention of doing it. Because she signed your name to it, I can see why it's made you uncomfortable too.

Go and arrange it with the priest. Do it for your aunt and your own conscience. Well, that's what I'd do. Would a donation be expected?

She probably thought it would give her sister comfort but if she's not arranged it (and wont give a good reason why) speak to the priest yourself.
Assuming you aunt goes to a different church than you both so would not know whether the mass has been held already. My sister's catholic church has a weekly online newsletter that lists all masses and prayers for people in their parish.

I have no idea why she did it- maybe she wanted to make a donation and couldn't afford what she thought was appropriate. Maybe she hated your aunt. People have all sorts of motives. I'd just get the mass said and move on.

Incidentally- as an atheist, I think it's hugely disrespectful to say you'll pray for someone if you don't intend to and don't believe in prayer anyway.

This is it. It's not so much the mass. It's the lieing and in the way she did it too. She didn't have to write anything about getting a mass said in her card but she did. It's so bad.

I mean, your mum's not covered herself in glory by "lying" but perhaps the intention was there when she wrote the card but she just didn't get round to it because she's elderly.

If you're bothered, just get the Mass said by writing a note to the Priest requesting one to be said in your cousins name (a small donation is also customary, but not compulsory)

I certainly don't think your mum has committed the crime of the century!

@XmasStag "It's so bad."

It really, really isn't!

His anniversary was in the summer time. I just don't buy the idea that she didn't get around to doing it. There's been plenty of time to do what she said in her card.

OP, the only way I think this is bad is if your mum is an avowed atheist who you know never had any intention of getting a Mass said to begin with.

My cousin lies dead in a grave and she wrote to her sister to say she will get a mass said for him and it was a lie. I don't understand how thats something that is very great and good. She lied and the circumstances that she lied in.

I'm surprised you think it so bad given you didn't even send a condolence card.

So why not get a Mass said for him yourself? I know you didn't initially promise one, but the outcome will be the same (a Mass will be said for the repose of your cousin's soul)