🪳 Cockroach Cafe 🪳 Autumn 2023

[MereDintofPandiculation]

I’ve just done the autumn deepclean, brought in a load of logs, and made sure we have plenty of rugs and throws, and toasting forks and marshmallows. I’ve even brought in extra rugs from the Good Daughters’ room under the stairs - they’re not needed there, no-one ever uses it.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or to ask a small question that doesn't warrant its own thread. Or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. So 🪳 mes amis/amies, and may you all live to fight another day.

Hope this isn't a tactless time to ask a question in view of countrygirl99 having to go to a funeral (hope it goes as well as possible countrygirl) , but I've been put on the spot by teen DC (worried about mum dying on Xmas day and me therefore not being around)...
What do you actually have to do on the day someone dies if it's expected? When dad died it was 'unexpected' so ambulance/resuscitation attempted/police visit etc.
Sure it will be different this time but I need to manage expectations (mine and DC) about whether we can just have Xmas day regardless, maybe not even tell DC so that Xmas day itself isn't forever remembered as 'when mum wasn't there because grandma died'. I know I will be able to be 'stiff upper lip' about it so it's only the practicalities that worry me.
I know that sounds awful too, but however much I do my absolute best for mum, I do think she is less important than DC + The only way I cope with mum is by constant forward-thinking and planning.

Seriously my understanding is that once a medical professional has agreed the person has passed you can have the funeral home people take over from there. All undertakers I imagine will have someone on duty over Xmas and 24/7 cover as sadly it's peak time for them. Have you considered which undertaker you want to use? The starting point would be their website. Undertaker websites now give prices and options.

Thank you for replying. I seem to remember with dad that the undertaker was just organised by a 3rd party (doc? Police?) because it definitely wasnt me, and mum didn't do anything at all. But I guess in any event they just take the body away and no one's going to want to do much else on Xmas day?

DM died in an ambulance and DF in a hospital so both got taken to the hospital morgue. In both instances, different towns, we got recommendations for the local undertakers. I think your ‘planning’ will be hugely helped by identifying the undertakers this side of Xmas, ‘for when the time comes’ and having a quick chat in advance. Then you can tell DD quite honestly that everything is in hand.

Thank you again.
I suspect that I'll still be having the same concerns in 2024 as mum has just staged yet another miracle recovery.

I second the advice to check out undertakers in advance. My DF died suddenly at home (paramedics, police etc) and it was left to me to find an undertaker on the spot - he couldn’t be left where he was and the police and paramedics couldn’t help. Thinking back it was very distressing.

I concur with what @BestIsWest has written about finding an undertaker in advance. It helps take some stress out of what will be an already stressful situation if you have their details ready rather than having to plumb for the first number that you come across.

Financial advice sites recommend calling round undertakers to get an idea of services they offer/costs etc. It seems "cold", somehow, to shop around, but realistically this is a wise thing to do although probably not the sort of thing you want to be doing when dealing with the death of a loved one so a bit of research beforehand is probably good.

@SeriouslyAgain what a sensible question and good advice given. Do you know if your DM has a funeral plan - one of those monthly payments? MiL loved insurances so she has that in place and when I was going through paperwork (when she moved into nursing home as I have PoA) I found little notes about her funeral wishes that I have put together in a plastic wallet. DH and I have only just got round to Wills and solicitor suggested we think about wishes and funerals. I feel the easier I can make it for my DC the better🤞.

I have a potential PoA/legal quandary coming up, flat owned by three parties, if two want to buy the freehold would it be wrong to expect MiL who will not really benefit from buying her share, to contribute to freehold purchase? The solicitor who is working on wills is asking around for us. But if anyone has any experience or advice happy to hear it.

We knew Mum was "on the way out" and what her wishes were, so I had requested quotes from three undertakers by the time she went. She would have been proud of me I hope (always very organised and a great list maker).

My Dad's death was less expected and I was only involved in the funeral arrangements at the point the undertakers had succeeded in getting on the nerves of my poor stepmum (so I was delegated to liaise with them). I suspect they were selected in a bit of a panic, and it was in the middle of the first lockdown so nothing was normal (to be fair).

So I would definitely recommend getting on to undertakers earlier, so you know you have someone you're happy with.

Thank you so much everyone! I really appreciate being able to ask questions on a friendly helpful board.
For anyone else popping in here looking for advice, apparently for an expected death at home (there's really not much on the Internet about this) you phone GP or their out of hours service, or if out of hours service isn't answering, 111 (though can you imagine having your dead relative in front of you and having to deal with the stupid tick-box questions they ask?!).
A doctor then comes round to certify death and then as PPs say, undertakers can just take charge.
(such good advice to think abt undertakers beforehand - really don't want to be googling around the place in a panic while trying to process the actual death).

Funeral went very well. Youngest BIL played MILs favourite piece on the clarinet that brought out a few tears but was lovely.

So glad today went well @countrygirl99 🌺🌺. How are you doing- and dh?

Glad the funeral went well @countrygirl99

@SeriouslyAgain You won't need to worry about registering death because registrar won't be working. So if you can have a funeral director identified who can do what's necessary, you won't need to worry about anything. Care home will want the room cleared but I imagine they'd be very happy not to have you doing that on Christmas Day.

Friend of mine died suddenly when no-one was around. Police instructed a funeral director who took care of her until such time that a next of kin had been identified and located.

You will be able to have a breathing space of Christmas Day and not have future Christmas Days blighted.

MereDint, thank you. Sadly (for me!) she's not in a care home 😂. I've just seen that although you have to register a death within 5 days, the powers that be are a little more lax over Xmas.
Generally I think it looks like I could just give the live-in carer a bit of support and then escape back home to DC and plenty of alcohol!
Now that I've done all this research of course, it won't happen anyway so hopefully I've tempted fate in the right direction and Xmas Day will be death-free!

@thesandwich we are OK but shattered now. Currently sitting down with a glass of wine and contemplating whether we can be bothered to heat through pre-cooked curry.
I always go to funerals with a handbag well-stocked with those little packs of tissues because blokes never seem to think they will need them. DH did and so did DS1, my boys were very close to their nan. DS2 watched the live stream so had to sort his own tissues. 4 grandsons carried in the coffin in the coffin which was a bit of a tear jerker. MIL was a lovely woman and more of a mum to me than my own mother has ever been. Before her stroke there was nothing she loved more than fussing over her grandchildren and even after nothing made her more happy than seeing them.

Oh @countrygirl99 it sounds like it was a very fitting send off for her. After dms funeral I could really understand the importance of the rituals, and felt such relief after. Take it as easy as possible- and well done with the tissues. Hold on to those good memories.

@Juneday While DH's family were waiting for DMil to go into carehome they arranged via POA for DMil's freehold to be paid. To be fair it was something DMil wanted to happen for the last decade, and then, when DMil was admitted to the carehome, it was one less thing to worry about when they were clearing and selling the house to pay fees. Your situation is not strictly the same but it's a very sensible route and I cant imagine anyone objecting.

My parents had the undertaker in their wills - happens I went to school with the funeral directors sister and he’s a friend on fb. Therefore messaged him after my father passed, which was in hospital so not as urgent, and I didn’t expect an immediate answer. See it came to me to message having a drink that night (ma happened to be in rehab care home so I was safe to have a couple). He called straightaway to take some details - I thought he asked for my father’s mum’s details and gave them, only he’d asked for my mum’s details - this came to light on the Monday when he called to confirm other details - yes, quite mortified 🤦🏻‍♀️ And yes I will have to use the same ones for my mother 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ve probably mentioned this before but DF had a funeral insurance policy which specified a particular local undertaker - and he had told me this.

In the stress of the moment, dealing with his sudden death, the doctors, paramedics, police, DM and DB - and it was during the pandemic - I totally forgot this and the undertaker I called that morning (after googling) was not the one specified in the policy.

It was only the next day, looking for his birth certificate that I found the insurance policy and then had to call and see if it could be transferred to the right undertaker. Thankfully they were all so understanding and sorted it for me but it was something I could have done without.

If she’s not in a care home or hospital and the GP hasnt seen her in a while, they may ask for a post mortem. That gives a bit longer to worry about registration.

@SeriouslyAgain 🤞. Enjoy the alcohol😁

DH going to visit his DM on his own at nursing home, first time without me! He has been warned she is in a shouting out mode. I have written Xmas cards for her, sent a new blouse for her, a card from my parents and her regular letter from a dear friend of hers that we have to read to her as she can’t cope with reading. (Curious about what causes this). I hope she can acknowledge one or two of these things.

When my DF died in hospital I rang my uncle and he contacted the undertaker who was a friend of his. The undertaker was lovely and talked us through everything.

I visited DM yesterday. I have realised I have come to terms with her not knowing me most of the time, not caring about my DC who were the be all and end all of her life but I can't cope with her asking about DF. Eleven years since he died and as soon as she saw us she wanted to know if he was ok? What was he doing? Where was he?

A friend had this with her mum. She spent 3 years saying he'd gone to visit hos brother for a few days until she stopped asking. Fortunately she remembered she hated his brother so the response was always "thank goodness he didn't insist on me going too".

@BestIsWest good to hear that, BiL currently working as a undertaker, trained in his 20s, kindness is such a big part of the job.

DH visit to his DM was not great, at first she thought he was his DB, then said he had stolen her money, not visited for a year etc. Says she needs a phone, wants to go home, thinks no one visits (she has a visit every week) etc. No two way conversation. BUT DH thinks she can get better and that she knows she isn’t making sense. I Try to explain dementia is often like that.

MiL knows it is nearly Christmas, likely because all staff are talking about it, and is asking why she isn’t coming to us as usual. DH thinks he should visit more often over Christmas and that it will improve things . I find it difficult to put into words to DH that I think his expectations might be a little high -he told a friend his DM will live to 100?

We agreed he needs to speak to the GP especially since she told DH she has skin cancer (again).

Reading: cognitive problems, either loss of ability to read or loss of ability for sustained concentration, or sight problems which can be part of cognitive decline