Mum’s put downs: how would you respond?

[LookOverHere]

My 78 year old mum can be funny and charming at times, but can quickly become difficult and make nasty comments. Sometimes I blow up, sometimes I walk out, I sometimes feel like crying, but recently I ignore and silently seethe, because if I react she calls me touchy, and to me that’s the tactic of a bully. What do you think is the best response?

Recent comments include: “your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty” and many more gems like this…

Watch yourself mother. I'll be choosing your care home soon.

Look up medium chill/grey rock. Say nothing and give nothing of yourself other than a light pleasant airy superficial chat. There is no way to make someone not want to be mean to you but you can reduce the hurt. We did that with one of my DH relatives. A score out of 10 for effort (ooh they’ve worked hard on that one gives them a 10) and then a score out of 10 for impact (ooh that one burned to the core gives a 10). Give it a go. It really works to leave the behaviour where it belongs with them. My DH’s relative barely bothers now - I presume because we’ve stopped feeling hurt so it stops giving them what they wanted when they behaved that way.

Casually drop a brochure for a local funeral home with a dog eared page on choosing caskets.

@JessicaFletcherMSW I like that scoring game! We do bingo with mine - a point for a particular complaint or criticism as the same ones tend to pop up. The out of 10 one will mix it up nicely!

I’m not sure trying to be equally hurtful back is the way to go. The comment won’t have come from a pure desire to hurt, it’ll be “saying things as they are” “honesty between mother and daughter” or simply declining cognition. You are much more important in her life than she is in yours. So I’d go for cutting the visit/phone call short. @JessicaFletcherMSW ‘s approach is good, too. Cutting the hurt to you without being nasty back.

With my own mother I just let it roll off me. Unpleasant remarks were only occasional, but her response to me telling her she was having her first grandchild (back in the days when bride’s parents paid, and sex before marriage was not approved of) was “well, at least that’ll save the cost of the wedding”. It didn’t upset me - I was emotionally sure of myself - but as mothers’ comments went I thought it was rather a corker.

I wouldn't be hurtful back. I would come up with a few stock phrases "That's a nasty thing to say" "If you can't say something nice, please say nothing " and the one that might get through " Mother when you say things like that it makes me not want to spend time with you".

What about calling her by her mums name when she says these things to you, and if she says anything, just reply oh, you reminded me so much of Gran when you said that or something similar. It might make her think.
Well done on your recent phone conversation with her. Maybe a few more conversations like that might start to have an effect.
Or sadly, probably not as it sounds so ingrained in her, so maybe just taking a large step back from her, for your own peace of mind.

OP, please remember that this is an abusive relationship.

What you've described across your posts is an abusive relationship going right back to your childhood.

When abuse starts that young it gets normalised by the child.

And sometimes I see people on here explaining that their partner is "lovely most of the time." Like he's only horrible and abusive sometimes... So the relationship is mostly OK ... Just like you say that your mum has her good points. This is common in abusive relationships; the abuser gives just enough niceness to try to make you stick around to take the abuse. IT'S STILL AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. In a good relationship there is NO abuse.

You really, really don't have to stay in a relationship of any kind with your abuser.

Is she like my beloved mother, who thinks that because it's "the truth", it's fine to say it?

@Finfinfin Thank you for taking the time to reply. I notice when I add qualifiers to my descriptions of her, and you’re right that this is often heard when we talk of abusive romantic relationships. I think it’s really difficult to admit to ourselves and openly state that a parent is behaving badly towards us. It’s taboo to criticise parents, the guilt kicks in, and it can strike deep in us; if my own mum thinks that I’m not worthy of gentleness and respect, is there something truly wrong with me? To all who are experiencing this: there is nothing wrong with us. We are all innately valuable and worthy human beings.

It’s FOG, fear, obligation and guilt.Because they’ve been brought up in a household where this is normal and your parent is the boss and they are not allowed to stand up for themselves even as an adult. If they do the parent escalates and is out of control as they totally over react. There are few limits as they have to win. It’s always walking on eggshells not to annoy them. I just wish that I had went no contact with my parents decades ago. This behaviour is abuse and it’s not normal and it’s taken me a lifetime to acknowledge that I put up with it as a child but I should not have put up with it as an adult.

My mum does this too. I say to her ‘Did your mother say things like that to you when you were my age?’ She says yes. I say ‘And did it make you feel happy? Or did it make you think she was a nasty old woman?’

God you are patient! I just could not be doing with this.

“Reports say that dementia makes elderly people lash out - just so you know.”

That should pull her up.

@doodleZ1 Thank you - your comment resonates deeply. I’m reading the material on the out of the fog site: WOW. Some of the tactics are so familiar to me, specifically being shamed (for how I look, my choices, my sensitivity etc). I’ll bring this into my therapy; there’s a direct link between that behaviour and my shaky self confidence. If anyone else wants to read it’s here - a few wise posters have mentioned it (thank you all): https://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do

Well done for confronting her, OP.

I vote for this response. My mother is the same OP.
it’s horrible. I think that now she seems to be in the early stages of dementia I am more tolerant. She rambles incoherently, switches tack, gets emotional and doesn’t remember what she said yesterday. Somehow that helps me cope.