Mum’s put downs: how would you respond?

[LookOverHere]

My 78 year old mum can be funny and charming at times, but can quickly become difficult and make nasty comments. Sometimes I blow up, sometimes I walk out, I sometimes feel like crying, but recently I ignore and silently seethe, because if I react she calls me touchy, and to me that’s the tactic of a bully. What do you think is the best response?

Recent comments include: “your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty” and many more gems like this…

You could laugh it off and tell her you always look forward to her criticism and can't wait for next week's. Maybe even tell her that the last few have been quite unimaginative so she really needs to up her game.

If it's about your appearance tell her it's clearly genetic.

A simple, 'The insults have started so I'm off' and leave, every time.

I agree with this:

A simple, 'The insults have started so I'm off' and leave, every time.

No emotional response, no counter attack, no comment back to her, and no 'flouncing'. Calmly gather your things and walk out the door at the first insulting word out of her mouth. If she says anything else, keep on walking. You aren't going to change her, so the best thing to do is remove yourself from 'the problem'.

I wouldn't care if we were in the middle of a meal, sitting and watching telly, or just chatting over tea, I'd stop what I was doing and leave.

I did something that actually made a difference.
I prepared very carefully for the conversation and made notes of what I wanted to say. Bullet points including examples, the impact her unpleasant comments had on me. I went round as usual and said I needed her to listen, and very calmly, keeping my voice steady, even though I was very nervous, went through my “script”. I ended by saying that I found the way she spoke to me rude and completely unacceptable and said I would not tolerate it in future. I didn’t make any threats like “I won’t see you again”. Obviously she tried to argue, asked me for examples (I had plenty) but after this short conversation I refused to be drawn any further even though she was going into nervous breakdown mode in front of me (“I don’t know why you’re speaking to me like this” etc etc). I changed the subject to normal matters and left in a pleasant way.
I was very fortunate in that after this, to my amazement, my mother changed her attitude towards me and left out the nasty comments, mainly. Every time it seemed to be starting again I calmly said that I wouldn’t tolerate it. My mother proved that she was capable of reflection and change and not everyone is. And I had to really be brave to do it, as I felt completely sick before and during and after my little “speech” but it was definitely worth it.
Mum is no longer what she was due to cognitive decline and luckily her personality has changed for the better as a result, but we had several much easier years beforehand.

This is a good tactic. Her actions would then have consequences, without her having the satisfaction of seeing you get annoyed or upset.

If I behaved like that to my adult daughter, she'd tell me not to be so rude and if I kept it up, she'd refuse to see me.

Your mother is bullying you with her belittling comments and you don't have to put up with it. Tell her very firmly to stop it and spell out the consequences if she doesn't. Ignore her calling you 'touchy' - just focus on making it clear that if she wants to be in your life, she has to stop insulting you.

TBH I’d say ‘If you’re going to be nasty, I’m going home now.’

My DM who had dementia, sometimes used to say horrible (and quite untrue) things about my dh and dds, it was very upsetting. Just once I said, ‘If you’re going to keep saying horrible things, I’m going home NOW!’ - and I meant it, and she must have known I did, since even with dementia, she did stop.
(I lived 60 miles away, so couldn’t be popping in non stop).

Your DM doesn’t even have the excuse of dementia! I wouldn’t feel in the least bad about walking out - after a warning. She must know that these comments upset you.

Either go NC or, each time she says something nasty say : ' are you feeling OK, Mum? '

Keep saying that

She'll get bored eventually

My DM can be like this. She once said "you've put weight on". It was met with "it'll take me a bloody long time to catch up with you though won't it?".

"D"M has always been a bit critical of everyone else's weight so this one didn't go down too well. I'd never usually say anything like that to anyone but she really pissed me off that day.

At the moment she's being as nice as pie though because I think that the penny has finally dropped that if she's horrible I just get up and go home.

I just had an emotional call with her now and decided to confront her. She did the usual “but I was joking!” rubbish, and I said “nobody is laughing - you have a terrible sense of humour”. I also said it reinforces the sexist notion that all that’s important about women is what they look like, and that we’ve got to do better and not be women tearing other women down. I finished by saying that the most depressing thing is that she’s just replicating how her mother spoke to her (gran was an absolute monster to my mum) and probably doesn’t even reflect on that or why she’s so critical, but that she can do that in her own time, I refuse to analyse her harsh behaviour. I won’t see her now for a while. Let’s see what happens next time. Thanks for all the replies and advice. Seems many of us in the same boat. Sad, but true.

@LookOverHere well done, you deserve a rest from it for a while x

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

Sounds like she has narcissistic personality disorder. I feel your pain. Website is amazing.

Welldone op. That was a big deal.

Lots of good tips on here, I need them too. Visiting my mother next week for the first time in ages, I've really cut it down due to the way she is

Same for mine! It's very difficult

This sounds as if it could be early signs of dementia. People say things that they never would normally. I would try to get her checked out.

How did she respond @LookOverHere ?

That's a lot easier said than done in my experience! Particularly with a parent who has always been difficult, there is usually a whole raft of denial. There is no doubt that mine is showing clear signs of dementia but at the moment she can still present beautifully for heath care professionals.

She’s negging you - trying to make you feel small so that she still has the upper hand. She keeps doing it because she know it gets a reaction and keeps you in your place. Best thing to do is laugh heartily and reply something like the following:

‘I know, mother dearest. I inherited it from you.’

’Ooh, saucer of milk. Table for one.’

’Does being spiteful come naturally to you, or did you have to work at it?’

’I truly am my mother’s daughter. Can’t wait for the saggy arse and flaky skin to kick in.’

‘Hello, Zitty’
’Hello, Big Nose’

’Your hair’s got thin’
’Unlike your back side’

’You have sturdy legs.’
’ Could be worse. At least I didn’t inherit your cankles’

‘You look like you just got out of prison’
’You look like you’re still in prison’

‘Your walking got very heavy’
’We’ll not be seeing you on Strictly Come Dancing anytime soon either’

It shows you’re not taking her seriously when she says something like that, that it doesn’t mean anything to you, and that if she chooses to insult you then she has to expect an insult back.

It took me a while to get to this point with my DM - I was the one who lived locally, did all the running around and still got all the little and constant digs made at me. She was on best behaviour when golden sibling visited, and would drop everything when summonsed by them.

One day I did just use the mn classic 'do you realise how rude that is, do you mean to be so rude?' and just walked out. We were nc for a while but I put in boundaries which she mostly respected (to my face, she still slagged me off to dsibling even though I was doing ALL the jobs/visits/hospital appts etc)

Well done OP

Call her out and be blunt . I always find a “why do you say such nasty things to your own daughter?” Calls it out for exactly what it is. Then when you are called touchy, I would “yes I am, I am also leaving” so you make your boundaries clear and then leave her to it.

@ElleCapitaine Made me laugh so much - these are brilliant - thank you!

Sounds like you responded and explained excellently @LookOverHere ! How did she respond to what you said?

Love @ElleCapitaine 's replies! Brilliant

Fuck I hope not!

I want to turn into Isabella Rossellini!

"Oh, you sound just like your mum when you say things like that"

"That reminds me of granny"

"You're turning into your mum with those comments"

"That's like something Granny X would have said, isn't it?"

Make her think about how she's repeating the pattern of behaviour. I doubt she'll like seeing the similarities between herself and her own mother.

When you've had enough for the day, you can say something like "Right, I've had enough of your Granny X comments for today, I'm off. I wonder how you'll channel her next time."

@Flintwhistle She got very defensive initially; like a typical school bully she always blames the reaction of her target. On the criticisms of what I look like, I said it absolutely must stop and she said “ok…” in a slightly sarcastic way but didn’t answer back. We’ve been here before. It’s not dementia, she’s always been like this; she used to say “I just don’t like you” when I was in primary school. No wonder I ended up in therapy. My gran had a vicious tongue and sadly my mum just went into autopilot and adopted the same streak. I think the advice of many to get up and walk is right, I need to keep doing that. It is bizarre that an adult ignores verbal warnings and needs consequences, like training a pet, and horrible that it’s my own parent, and confusing when she can be very nice to other people. It’s really messed up. Wishing everyone a peaceful (and parent conflict free!) week 🙏