Mum’s put downs: how would you respond?

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My 78 year old mum can be funny and charming at times, but can quickly become difficult and make nasty comments. Sometimes I blow up, sometimes I walk out, I sometimes feel like crying, but recently I ignore and silently seethe, because if I react she calls me touchy, and to me that’s the tactic of a bully. What do you think is the best response?

Recent comments include: “your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty” and many more gems like this…

What has she said when you've pulled her up on the comments? Have you ever insulted her back, if so what did she do?

If she's relentlessly cruel, I'm wondering why you put yourself through speaking with her?

Can you be direct and honest with her. "I don't understand why you're choosing to make such an unkind comment?" If she claims you're being touchy, give her a clear instruction "Do not comment on my appearance in future." Then change the subject.

If she does it again, calmly remind her you have told her not comment on your appearance so you'll be leaving. Then leave. Every time.

No need to debate it with her or let it deep into other conversations. Engage fully with everything she says that isn't about your appearance etc.

‘Yeah they do say you start to turn into your mum as you get older’

I would bat them back at her every time. An insult gets an insult back, in a jokey, light-hearted tone.

Hi Mum, I’m phoning cos I don’t like your rude criticisms of me so we won’t be round for a bit,

My mother does this. It's very frustrating because pretty much any response is 'wrong'. I am over sensitive, or I have no sense of humour, or she didn't mean it. She likes to compare and contrast with other family members or her carers too. I visit in order to help her out but I go in with an anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Every single time! I try not to visit her on my own as she's better when there are more people there.
I have started leaving longer between visits, which helps my sanity. I think she might be making the connection between her being rude, and less contact from me. I can't chat with her about it because she makes herself out to be a victim every time. She can dish it out but can't take anything she perceives as criticism at all, however tactfully i try.

Thanks for replying everyone - appreciate it. I’ve fought fire with fire but it makes me feel mental, losing control and being equally insulting, I feel crap afterwards. If I blow up she looks at me like I’m crazy, and then starts saying I’ve got anger management issues, and I think that’s the desired reaction; she wants the reaction, and I refuse to give it to her. If I try reason with her she also says I’m too touchy. I once walked out as soon as the first comment started; but it just started again next time I saw her. She is stubborn and absolutely refuses to change or consider the impact, because everyone else lets her get away with it; I’m the only person who cannot laugh it off.

OMG… becoming her… what a horrible thought! Hopefully my many years of therapy will prevent that…

There's no law that says you must maintain contact with parents. Leave her to it.

@Flintwhistle Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat as me, there is no winning and it sucks. What was her relationship with her mum like? I think my mum is just playing out her own strained critical relationship with my grandma, which is such a shame as I know it hurt her a lot

'Meeow you are nasty. Careful mum you might make me not come back.'

Might "Fuck you, you nasty old cunt" work?

This
stop visiting.

@KStockHERO LOL yep very tempted to say that!

I'd just have a stock reply: 'hello nasty old lady whose going to end up with nobody who cares about her because of her vicious tongue'.

I would probably just say "how rude" each time, very calmly, then change the subject. Call her out but don't give her an emotional reaction.

“your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty”

Your response should be to all of the above as - "I know, I take after you." said with a mock grimace.

I think I'd just go with 'rude' and carry on.
If she's wanting a rise, ignore it.

Also. Has she always been like this? Is it possible she's got dementia?

It's so difficult isn't it? Mine will be quite subtle about her digs usually, then other times is really overt. She's losing her filter as she ages. But she'll slip them in, and then the moment has passed. I'm left reeling, and she's happily prattling on so I feel like I can't say anything.
She's always done it. She has a public face and is generally much more pleasant to people outside the family. I spent quite a long time in quite low contact with her, which I can manage. She is quite sharp if she thinks I've not been to see her enough (she's housebound now) but fails to see that being unpleasant isn't going to make me go more often ( although as I said upthread, she may be starting to make the connection)

My Dad can be like this. I have learnt that he likes the reaction so I don't react, I just agree with him or thank him and talk about something else.
"You've put weight on"
"Yep, shall I make a drink?"
"Your hair is messy"
"Thanks for telling me, have you seen DSIS recently?"
He does it far less now he knows it doesn't have his desired effect.

@evryevrytime She’s always been like this

My mum around the same age does this too. Mostly about my weight. I'm a size 14 definitely a stone overweight but she is morbidly obese. I try and ignore as I pity her in some ways. If anyone mentions her weight there is mass hysteria. I would ignore but cut down contact.

@pumpkinspicedbogroll That is a very mature way of dealing with it. You’ve got far more patience and self control than me. I guess all of the digs are pretty mindless and meaningless, but I find them quite infecting. Difficult to park my emotional response.

Mum grew up in a very poor family and fought tooth and nail to 'better herself'. I do wonder if she feels she now has to prove her worth, and that she belong in the social world that she is part of. I've noticed that she uses bitching about other people as a way to bond. Her self esteem does seem quite fragile.