Mum’s put downs: how would you respond?

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My 78 year old mum can be funny and charming at times, but can quickly become difficult and make nasty comments. Sometimes I blow up, sometimes I walk out, I sometimes feel like crying, but recently I ignore and silently seethe, because if I react she calls me touchy, and to me that’s the tactic of a bully. What do you think is the best response?

Recent comments include: “your hair is thinning”, “you’re losing your eyebrows”, “you look like you just got out of prison”, “you have sturdy legs”, “your walking got very heavy”, “hello zitty” and many more gems like this…

I'd say I've had enough of this. Contact me when you're prepared to be civil. Until then I won't be back.

Its hard I know but it's important. I once (long story) had to tell my parents they were being shits and they either change or get out of my life and that I didn't care which they chose.

I tell you that because often people are accused of giving advice they'd never follow themselves.

no contact!!! this is definitely the way to go and it will be much better for your state of mind! I did it and I immediately stopped feeling so stressed!

My mum's a rascal for that too. Most recently, she announced out of nowhere, "Hey, you've got bingo wings! Look at me, I don't have bingo wings!" (She is 83 and I'm almost 60.) I have no idea why she does it, apart from the likelihood that her own mother did it to her so she thinks it's normal to speak to your daughters like that. I learned to manage it when she started on my own daughters and I taught them to say, "Well, Granny, EVERYONE ELSE says I've got lovely clear skin/a really nice figure/a perfect head shape." And I got into the habit of doing it on my own behalf too. I don't throw any insults back. There's no point.

Had to laugh about the bingo wings, though!

Thanks. He's been this way since I was in my teens and I didn't hold my tongue then!
I find it really empowering to not react now and I feel way more confident because I know I am in control.

My mum would be like this, she often does it to lash out when she's not feeling good or for a rise so she can play victim. I find best approach is to say 'that's not an acceptable way to speak to me, if you do it again I'm leaving/ ending the conversation ' and then I follow through. It took me a few times and I bothered with her much less but she got the message. Now there's a huge difference in how she acts with me and how she acts with my sister who's less consistent. I speak to her like she's a child being rude who I need to educate to do better. And it means I'm not rising to bite, I'm holding my boundary and she's held to account.

Mine does this. Last week it was "your hair is long. Are you going to get it cut?" My hair is always long but she obviously thought it was too long. I usually ignore her and tell my dh her latest pearler and we chuckle together. I remind myself I will never do that to my children.

Learn the lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Mean" and burst into song every time she makes a cruel comment.

My mum got worse as she got older. She is full of spite, nastiness and vitriol.

Last time she was in hospital I would phone 3 times a day to keep her spirits up [I live abroad] one day she was really evil and the nurse took the phone off her and told me that my mum struts round like a Cockerel after, all puffed up and pleased with herself, the nastier she is, the better she feels. That was the last time I let her be abusive to me. I no longer speak to my family, they are too dysfunctional to be around. They don't change so you either put up with it or withdraw from them.
On a serious note, if you are losing your eyebrows please get you thyroid tested, it is one of the first signs of hypothyroidism.

It's just so tiring deflecting it all the time, isn't it?
I have started a strategy of leaving a silence. That can work too. A silence, and then either a change of subject.
She said something quite nasty to my sister last week. Sister left the silence for a moment or two, then stood up and said something along the lines of well it was lovely to see you, I'll be off now (how she usually leaves) Mum must have known she was out of line because she went all sad and said oh don't be like that. Sister feigned ignorance, kissed her on the cheek and left.

I'd forgotten she told me that till this thread. Quite masterful and I think I might try it....

Does she care what outsiders think? If so, maybe mention you wonder what 'Brenda' would think if she could hear her.

💐 Or you could be firm and say that you won't visit whilst she's abusive to you, because it is abusive. Not surprised to read you've had to have therapy 💐

Why are you choosing to spend time with her? Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you owe her anything. Set yourself free from this bullshit.

She wants to hurt you. She knows what she's doing and she knows it's wrong. That's why she tones it down in front of other people.

My mum is a bitch too and that's why I haven't visited her for nearly a year. And when I do, it's going to be when other people are there as well.

I think what that poster was saying was a throw back at your mum, not you 😋

Just start cutting down your visits. If she asks why, tell her.

My MIL is like this and she's started doing it to our children, so we've really stepped back from her. Found out recently that she's got a medical problem and she could die any time, it can't be fixed, and honestly, nobody really cares that much because she's so bloody awful to people
I think I'd be inclined, if it was my actual mum, to just say, ok see you sometime in the future, don't know when - enjoy your life - and just go, even if you've just arrived

There's "Thanks Mum! Love you too!" as though she'd just complimented you.

Or, "And yet, you still love me," (hug, kiss, ignore her baffled expression).

Or, "So does name-of-friend, do you think I should tell her that, or would it be rude?"

Or "You're right of course...what do you think I should do about it?"

Or, as a PP said, a speaking silence (this last I would employ when my Dad was trying to stir - he lost his parents as a kid and the annoying middle child desperate for attention at any cost was VERY close to the surface). Dignified and simple, and should there be any challenge - there never is - the mild reply, "Well, I wasn't sure what to say to that!" works.

Basically, channel the slomo bullet dodging in The Matrix.

I'm always baffled why people continue to visit such toxic people. So what you happen to be related that's not your fault.

Yes she was

You need to practise the emotional detachment. Don't reply at all to these hurtful comments and definitely get up and leave every time. That's what I did. She's looking for a response. Don't give her one.

@binkie163 Thank you, are our mums related?! Unfortunately I just overplucked my eyebrows in the 90’s, major regret lol

@MysterOfwomanY "Basically, channel the slomo bullet dodging in The Matrix” - I just laughed out loud in my empty house, so funny! Love it thank you!

I'd recommend microblading. Totally changed my brows.

Yep my mum does this.

Currently pregnant and she’s told me to lose weight and “in January lose weight” the same month baby arrives…

And if I lose weight my pregnancy won’t be so bad and I’m dramatic about it. I’m not massively overweight bmi about 28/29 and I was losing weight when I was trying to get pregnant and I asked the midwives if I should continue and they said no just maintain.

Also got my hair cut because I was fed up of brushing it… and got told that it looked better longer and blonder.

Oh and she’s called me a tramp before because of my choice of clothing.

Every time I try defend myself she just goes on about some crap about me not being happy…

I’d stop seeing her

@ActDottie Yikes! My sisters pregnancy also triggered a wave of bitchy comments from my mum. It seemed like she felt threatened by it, didn’t want my sister to have it too easy, because her own pregnancies were difficult. I found it quite sad to watch. I really think women shouldn’t tear each other down. Life is hard enough as it is. Wishing you all the peace and positivity with your pregnancy!